Ready For Hillary
January 16, 2014 by Ben Crystal
In the event that you live under a rock, have been trapped under something really heavy or are only just now returning from an all-expenses-paid, 5-star, 17-day getaway in a tropical paradise, I bring news. Hillary Clinton is officially running for President of the United States. Despite a resume that sports holes bigger than her Benghazi testimony, a 2008 Presidential bid that birthed the “birther” stories about now-President Barack Obama and a central role in one of the biggest foreign policy disasters ever to be denied by the Democrats, Madame Clinton is already the presumptive front-runner for the Democratic Party’s nod to handle the sizable cleanup job that will fall directly into Obama’s successor’s lap.
And the former Lady MacBeth of Little Rock is poised to continue her outstanding record of championing the cause of women everywhere. Well, maybe not women everywhere. Women who struggle to lie convincingly under oath, think “it” makes a big difference, achieved notability without riding the coattails of a disbarred chubby-chaser and/or look like ladies need not apply.
And Hillary isn’t going to miss a chance to let her impressive accomplishments speak for themselves. She’s even offering collectibles. Want to book an early ticket on the Hillary 2016 campaign train? Let your friends know you’re all aboard with Hillary swag! There are “Ready for Hillary” bumper stickers. Slap one on your bailout-mobile today! If that bailout-mobile is a Chevy Volt, I’d recommend doing it right away; the stickers are not fireproof. If you’re looking for a handy-dandy vessel for your organically grown, cruelty-free, fair-trade, half-caff, triple soy latte, look no further than the Ready for Hillary Twitter Mug! Made (no doubt) from recycled hipster eyeglass frames with Libyan sand as an aggregate, the RFHTM (now that’s an acronym) comes emblazoned with the RFH logo, a picture of The Candidate getting outsmarted by a smartphone and even her curriculum vitae — lest you forget that Hillary Clinton was once considered a “hair icon.”
I don’t know about the rest of you. But, clearly, any man who thinks that being married to the Governor of Arkansas — the “FLOAR” item — isn’t qualification enough to answer the “red” phone at 3 a.m. must be fighting a war on women.
But Hillary is going to have to move some serious merchandise if she’s hoping to advance past the opening rounds of the 2016 Presidential tournament. While her own party’s nomination might be all but sewn up, the actual election is far from assured. Even against the backdrop of the so-called “Bridgegate” scandal, CNN’s latest 2016 Presidential poll shows Hillary losing to her barely more-conservative counterpart, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
And even without a clear front-runner on the opposite side, Hillary doesn’t exactly ring the electorate’s bells. According to a new poll by YouGov.com, Hillary is only the 10th most admired person in America. Not only does she trail the top vote-getter, committed pro-lifer Pope Francis I, she trails former President George W. Bush. In fact, poor Candidate Hillary finished the poll staring at the prominent backside of talk radio host Rush Limbaugh — although, to be fair, Limbaugh is far more popular among Americans than Hillary. In a final insult, the man who can claim credit for pretty much every notch on Hillary’s career belt since the early 1970s — her husband and former President, Bill Clinton — finished well ahead of her, meaning that Americans prefer a sex-obsessed, disbarred perjurer to his shrieking harpy of a wife.
Granted, election 2016 is still a fair stretch into the future. There’s plenty of time for a conservative to emerge as a candidate who actually wants to unify the Nation torn asunder by Obama’s and Hillary’s incredibly divisive tenure. There’s also plenty of time for Hillary to get tangled up in another scandal. Hell, by this time next year, with more than 20 months still to go until the big dance, we might be discussing Hillary’s chances of clawing her way onto Vice President Joe Biden’s ticket.
At least she’ll have that coffee mug in which she can drown her sorrows.