Chipotle, Burritos And Bullets

In the interest of full disclosure, I have never sampled the fare at Chipotle. The nationwide Tex-Mex chain did recently open an outlet here in Savannah, Ga., but I have yet to visit. I never bore them any particular culinary animus; it’s just that I can make margaritas in the kitchen, and I pour with a heavier hand. And if I want to gamble on Montezuma taking revenge on me, the no-name joint down the street delivers.

Recently, when a group of Texans sat down for a meal without stowing their weapons, Chipotle found itself at the center of a controversy it doubtless welcomed as excitedly as a visit from a health inspector with a hazmat suit.

Now, the controversy didn’t center on the diners-with-firearms; at least, it shouldn’t have. According to Texas law, not to mention the Bill of Rights, no laws were broken. In fact, in the aftermath of the ginned-up firestorm of publicity, the total number of people who were killed, maimed or even nicked by the muzzle brake of a firearm belonging to one of the Chipotle diners remained, at last count, zero. Despite the howling, tearing of hair and gnashing of teeth over what anti-Bill of Rights hate group “Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America” called a “gun extremist group’s” display of “assault weapons” in a Dallas-area outlet, precisely no casualties were reported — beyond the fragile wits of anti-Bill of Rights hate group members. And let’s be honest, the kind of lonely joiner who shows up at a “Moms Demand” hate rally goes into hysterics when her beloved cat “Mr. Wigglesworthy” sharpens its claws on her Beanie Baby collection.

At first, Chipotle stood its ground, perhaps recognizing the attention-starved fearmongers like “Moms Demand” for what they are. While the chain didn’t issue a ringing endorsement of allowing law-abiding diners to dine while abiding by the law, I understand the danger of being too direct with the kind of people who fill their days trying to ruin everyone else’s. Unfortunately for the overwhelming majority of Texans and for liberty-minded potential Chipotle customers everywhere, “Moms Demand” and other liberal blowholes kept up their assault.

The pressure proved too much for Chipotle; and it folded like a cheap tortilla.

[W]e are respectfully asking that customers not bring guns into our restaurants… because the display of firearms in our restaurants has now created an environment that is potentially intimidating or uncomfortable for many of our customers, we think it is time to make this request.

The anti-Bill of Rights forces had successfully prevented people who posed no threat to them — a fact they had literally just proven in person — from continuing to pose no threat to them.

And that means Chipotle no longer welcomes me. Now, I’m not “calling for a boycott,” planning a “sit-in” or any other juvenile foot-stomping the left substitutes for intelligent discourse. If some suit in Chipotle’s marketing department analyzed the numbers and came up with “we’re better off not angering the liberals; some of their friends are union thugs and ‘occupiers,’” then that’s the company’s business model. I hope for its sake that it’s the right one. I wouldn’t risk a healthy portion of American business on palliating demonstrative liberals. They’re notoriously fickle; and they are infested with a high percentage of vegans, many of whom don’t dine at places like Chipotle.

As I mentioned, I have no problem with Chipotle’s decision to cater to the daisies among us. If it doesn’t want my business, then it doesn’t get my business. It might not even hurt the company all that badly. Starbucks cowed to the anti-Bill of Rights herd, and it doesn’t seem to be suffering from a shortage of slackers, malingerers and hipsters chugging down triple soy lattes while working on screenplays no one will ever read.

In a Constitutional society (like this one in which we live), no one should have to endure harassment for not doing anything wrong. In the case of Chiptole, the fear- and ignorance-based inflexibility of the anti-Bill of Rights crowd has created the entire “controversy.” And Chipotle chose fear-driven hysteria over common sense. It’s also publicly announced that its restaurants are “gun free” zones. I’ll remember that the next time I visit Taco Bell.

–Ben Crystal

The NFL And Michael Sam: Not For Long?

With the 249th pick in the 2014 NFL draft, the St. Louis Rams selected defensive end Michael Sam of the University of Missouri. During his senior season, Sam earned SEC Defensive Player of the Year honors. With the exception of those poor saps who say “football” when they mean “soccer,” all football fans know that the best defensive player in the SEC is also one of the best defensive players in college football.

Despite the accolades, Sam’s draft day was hardly the stuff of ESPN green room live shots. Long after the top picks had posed with their new teams’ jerseys, and the New York Jets disappointed their beleaguered fans for yet another year, Sam was still waiting.

And then, the call came in. Sam was a Ram. While he wasn’t making his professional debut at Radio City Music Hall with a congratulatory handshake from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, he was making his debut on television. In fact, despite his late entry to the league’s freshman class, the moment he took the call was broadcast and rebroadcast across the media and Internet. In fact, his entire draft day and beyond was set to be the subject of a reality TV program produced by Oprah Winfrey until it was dropped a week later, ostensibly after some teammates voiced concern it would be a distraction. Also of note was the phone call Sam took later. While he’s no Oprah, President Barack Obama is still a pretty solid “get” in the congratulatory phone call department.

In all fairness, getting drafted by an NFL team is no small accomplishment. There are 125 football teams in Division 1-FBS football. With the exception of teams which allow Lane Kiffin near the bench, each of them carries a roster comprising approximately 85 scholarship players. With only 32 teams in the NFL, most of the players at even the top level of college football will not only not enjoy the limelight on their big day, they won’t have a big day.

In all, 248 players were selected ahead of Sam. But Oprah won’t be calling them. And West Point graduate and U.S. Army Ranger Alejandro Villaneuva, who was not only not taken ahead of Sam in the draft but missed five years of football following his graduation from West Point in order to serve multiple combat tours in Afghanistan, needn’t wait by the phone for a Presidential ring. And that fact begs an obvious question: what makes Michael Sam so unusual?

While he certainly played some outstanding college ball, NFL general managers, all of whom have to win to keep their jobs, passed him over repeatedly. In a league where winning is literally the only thing which matters, Sam’s poor showing at the NFL combine hardly pushed him up draft day ladder. Did Michael Sam earn a Bronze Star for valor under fire, an honor bestowed upon the aforementioned Villanueva? Did Michael Sam even donate his signing bonus to one of the tax-exempt left-wing hate groups which overtly support liberal causes without somehow piquing the interest of the IRS?

No, Michael Sam was the star of draft day – well, two days AFTER draft day – because he’s gay. Oprah, Obama and pretty much every sportswriter from here to the Show Me State all horned in on Sam’s big moment because of something Oprah, Obama and even I consider as biologically significant as brown eyes or left-handedness. In a world in which people like Oprah and Obama whine about Americans’ tendency to over-analyze and over-dramatize the things which make us different, the same people couldn’t wait to tell us that Michael Sam is important because he’s different. Well, pardon me for saying so, but if Michael Sam wants to earn my attention, he should focus less on his burgeoning celebrity and more on his subpar strength, speed and pass rushing ability.

Michael Sam’s sexual preference isn’t particularly meaningful to me. The NFL is littered with all sorts of people who would probably be doing serious prison time were it not for the fact that they can cover 40 yards in 4.2 seconds. But Sam can’t cover 40 yards that quickly. He also can’t lift all that much weight, and – according to combine numbers – he sports the vertical leap of an overweight elephant. Michael Sam could come out in favor of inter-species relationships, and it still wouldn’t make him a gridiron star. If Sam doesn’t start working it out on the field, he’s not going to be a star at all.

–Ben Crystal

Al Gore And The Church Of The Global Warmists

Following a winter which sent the mercury further south than Senator Bob Menendez’s next “guy’s weekend,” I assumed that Al Gore’s inconvenient hoax didn’t survive the season. Nonetheless, the high priest of the Cult of Global Warming has crawled out from under the record snows to deliver an all-new diatribe about not only the coming climate disaster, but those villains who are responsible. According to the man who pocketed half a BILLION dollars by selling his failed cable netlet to some of the biggest oil barons of them all, “…the future of civilization is at stake,” and failure to act against so-called “global warming” is “immoral, unethical and despicable.”

I could take this moment to remind you that so-called “global warming” rests precariously on a spindle-thin tower of “evidence” which barely qualifies as anecdotal. I could remind you that in order to steady their scientific molehill, the warmists have to deliberately ignore mountains of evidence which directly contradict their dogma. I could point out the fact that the warmists have supplicated themselves at the altar of a deity which averages a name change per decade to reflect changing weather conditions which it failed to accurately predict. I could note the almost ludicrous hubris displayed by people who actually believe that our magnificent blue marble could be knocked out of its 4.4 billion year-old dance by a creature that has existed for less than 1/100 of 1 percent of it. I could remind you of the University of East Anglia’s infamous “Climategate” scandal, in which some of the chief missionaries of global warmism were caught contorting their “data” like they were auditioning for “Cirque Du Soleil’s” new show “CO2.”

I could, but I don’t need to. The wintry weather we actually witnessed has opened a credibility gap wide enough to swallow up even Senator Harry Reid’s bizarre “Koch brothers” mantra. By the way, Reid recently took to the Senate floor to blame global warming on the Koch brothers; meaning he not only ascribes virtually godlike powers to them, he’s a member of a completely different sect of global warmism than Gore and his minions, who believe global warming is caused by SUVs and incandescent lightbulbs.

I could also examine how so-called “green” energy policies are so economically ruinous, even if the warmists did manage to win a few battles in their war on science and sanity, the victories would mean billion-dollar boondoggles like Solyndra; which cost less than the First Lady’s shopping budget; and don’t hang around long enough to make a difference. Plus, the warmists’ wars on coal and oil, if successful, would turn the decidedly blue “rust belt” blood-red once the residents figured out that the warmists’ victories require by definition the loss of their livelihoods.

I’d even consider a wager that not even the 50 million illegal aliens who will all be voting citizens by next weekend or so will mark “si” on ballots where the question is “Do you support “green” policies, even though they serve no real purpose other than to make you nostalgic for the days of picking strawberries outside Mexicali?” Say what you want about the millions of illegal aliens who have exploited the political elite’s love of cheap labor and cheaper votes to sneak into the U.S.; they’re not much for sitting around.

I could do all of that; but I don’t need to. Instead, I’ll just say this: the high priest of the Church of Global Warmism is Al Gore. Gore boards private jets to traipse across the planet, stays in the finest resorts, allegedly molests the finest masseuses, speaks to the elite of the elite, leaves a bigger carbon pawprint than Godzilla did on downtown Tokyo, then retires behind the security fences at his 12,000 square-foot Malibu mansion and slumbers to the sounds of the ocean outside his door; all without missing a wink of sleep.

The global warmists intend to fundamentally alter human society at the behest of a man who actually thinks he alone has a special insight into the inner workings of the universe. The People’s Temple worked the same way. Some free advice to the global warmists: if Gore offers you Kool-Aid, decline.

-Ben Crystal

Hillary, Bill And Monica: An Affair To Forget

I seriously doubt that Vanity Fair magazine gave the cover of its most recent edition to Monica Lewinsky in an effort — as some suggested — to damage the Presidential candidacy of soon-to-be-crowned 2016 Democratic standard-bearer Hillary Clinton. One friend of mine actually claimed the whole affair about the affair involved a cabal comprising Vanity Fair, Senator Rand Paul (R-Ky.) and former President Bill Clinton’s plus-sized paramour; although that would require cooperation between an aging glossy well on its way to joining Newsweek in the print boneyard, a conservative Republican Senator and a woman whose best days are more than 15 years past.

I also doubt that Vanity Fair decided to spray-paint its pages with Lewinsky’s latest “dear diary” letter in an effort to gin up sympathy for the former first lady. The retelling of a pathetic chapter of Hillary Clinton’s life, not to mention Lewinsky’s, is hardly going to cover the gargantuan gaps in Madame Clinton’s political resume. Hillary Clinton was a profoundly unlikeable first lady, treating her husband’s election as carte blanche to exercise her own will over policy and with a healthy addition of whining about “vast right-wing conspiracies.” Reminding even a readership like Vanity Fair’s that Hillary Clinton stood by her man while he made a fool of himself might make for nice filler, but it’s a dubious plan to bolster her electoral chances. “You know, that Hillary Clinton hasn’t really accomplished anything of consequence without riding on Bill’s big-and-tall coattails; but since her husband’s a pig, I guess she’s got my vote,” said no one… ever.

political cartoon
John Darkow, Columbia Daily Tribune, Missouri

As for poor Lewinsky, she lit the cigar. As she pointed out in her latest version of a story the whole world remembers far more about than they’d probably like, “… I will always remain firm on this point: it was a consensual relationship.” She knew what she was doing; and it went really, really badly. Given the tendency of some of the Clintons’ acquaintances to end up in places like Fort Marcy Park (in a manner of speaking), she ought to count herself lucky. Given the poor circumstances of some of the women who tried to rebuff Bill Clinton’s advances, she should count herself very lucky, indeed. Ask Paula Jones what happens to women who tell Bill Clinton “no.” Better yet, ask the so-called “feminists” who gave Bill Clinton a special exemption from “no means no.” No means no unless Bill Clinton wants to hear “yes” — in which case, you’re a lying Republican whore. At one point, Bill Clinton’s poor ex-girl Friday goes so far as to blame Matt Drudge for her travails. Sorry, sweetie. Drudge didn’t pimp you out; you did that all by your lonesome.

No, I suspect that this sudden rekindling of a 1990s White House soap opera is nothing more than a desperate old-media dinosaur hoping the tabloid-ization of politics will translate into readership. Vanity Fair would hardly be the first to try it. For all the left’s criticism of Drudge, he is the undisputed heavyweight champion of capitalizing on the Democrats’ unerring ability to sprinkle their scandals with both sex and violence — America’s favorite pair of pastimes. Of course, Drudge has been at it for close to 20 years, whereas Vanity Fair is arriving late — and still in the wrong format.

The reality is that the Republicans ought to stay as far from any Monica-Hillary-Bill nonsense as humanly possible. Everyone already knows Bill Clinton is an inveterate cad. They likewise know that Hillary Clinton was perfectly comfortable with his philandering, just as long as he helped her get elected to the Senate and then named Secretary of State despite a resume that actually includes “hair icon.” Meanwhile, picking a fight with Bill Clinton is a waste of time, and picking on Lewinsky is just sad.

As for the Democrats, I can’t figure out what they’re so upset about. According to them, the Clinton-Lewinsky saga was a private matter and had no bearing on Bill Clinton’s job performance. I’m willing to accept that, even if it doesn’t explain why Bill Clinton felt compelled to perjure himself under oath about it. And if they’re under the impression that the Vanity Fair clickbait will somehow create either a meaningful boost for Hillary Clinton or a real distraction from Benghazi, … well: Bill’s a pig, Monica’s a dupe and Hillary’s a shrew. We all already knew that. But even if we didn’t, what difference does it make?

–Ben Crystal

The Ukraine Headache

In 2012, President Barack Obama made a campaign strategy out of mocking Mitt Romney for warning about the growing threat in Moscow. Two years later, the same Democrats who laughed along at Romney’s supposed naivete are now trying to paint not only Romney, but true conservatives, as somehow cheering Russian President Vladimir Putin’s aggression because it comes at Obama’s expense. Sorry, but no one is buying it.

Ukraine is a lost cause. Whether we want to acknowledge it, it’s as clear as the Russian bombers making low-altitude flights over Kiev. While Obama and the European Union dither with meaningless discussions over even more meaningless economic sanctions, Putin is staging an airshow over the Ukrainian capital.

Barring a rather unlikely turn events in which Putin suddenly remembers that Russia+Power-Drunk Dictator routinely = bad, the Ukraine is looking at life as a client state in the throwback style of the old Warsaw Pact countries. They’ll enjoy nominal independence on matters like parking tickets and public drunkenness, but the heavy lifting will be done for them — and to them — in Moscow. It’s theoretically possible that the Ukrainian nation will rise up and maintain its true independence; but that version of the old David-and-Goliath tale pits David against not only Goliath, but a couple of Philistine tank divisions.

Ultimately, impact of the loss of Ukrainian independence is a matter of perspective. From a diplomatic perspective, Ukraine was unstable, somewhat isolated and, perhaps most importantly, not a member of NATO — meaning Ukraine was a not a signatory to any mutual defense treaties involving NATO (mostly American) men or materiel. From a geopolitical perspective, Ukraine had struggled in the post-Soviet years, remained an unsteady neighbor and, perhaps most importantly, shares borders with four NATO member states — meaning it provided a buffer between Russia and some of our newer pals. Those newer pals include places like Poland, Hungary and Romania — none of which is in any hurry to relive the Hammer and Sickle’s glory days. From the perspective of the interested observer, the likely dismantling of Ukrainian independence is a sad tale of a nation that escaped one of the most diabolical empires in human history, only to be dragged back into its resurgence. Everyone deserves at least a chance to be free, and they lost theirs just when they got their fingers on it. From the perspective of most Americans, Ukraine sounds like something a woman cites as an exit strategy from a bad date. “I’ve really had a great time, but I’ve got a terrible Ukraine.”

But Putin’s victory in the 2014 Crimean Shirtless Posedown, combined with the rhetorical knuckle sandwich he force-fed to Obama last year in Syria, proffers a cautionary tale. The Bear is back. And while I’m not the first to say it, I can’t help but notice that the Democrats are burying Putin’s Crimean gambit under piles of lapdog media spin. While Obama can’t be fairly blamed for the Russian roll into Crimea, there is no doubt that a resurgent Putin was emboldened by Obama’s asses-and-elbows approach to foreign policy — not to mention his thumbs-and-pinkies approach to explaining his actions to the American public.

Putin might be a pet cat and a monocle away from being the villain in the next “Austin Powers” movie, but he’s not stupid. Putin has noticed Obama’s ham-fisted mishandling of the Benghazi massacre. Putin has also noticed that Obama has somehow managed to engineer a policy that involves both targeting and arming al-Qaida. Putin knows Obama is too busy spying on his people and his friends, and then lying about it to both, to focus on Putin’s behavior. Hell, Obama is too busy getting his lies confused to focus on anything for particularly long — especially during the summer months, when the golf course calls early and often. And Putin no doubt remembers the Syrian spanking he gave Obama last year.

Russia’s de facto annexation of Ukraine might not be the reignition of the Cold War, but it is a frosty challenge from our old Cold War nemesis. And while Russia’s reabsorption of the Ukraine — like its recent digestion of Ukrainian neighbor state Georgia — requires no military action on America’s part, the worry now should be whether Putin’s appetite is sated or whether he’s eyeing vacation properties closer to the Mediterranean than the Black or Caspian seas.

–Ben Crystal

Condoleezza Rice And Rutgers’ Tolerance Brigade

When it comes to commencement speakers, it’s all about “the get.” Much like Oprah Winfrey’s gabfest and the rest of the pabulum that passes for daytime television, if the featured guest is neither important nor interesting enough to hold the audience’s attention, then the whole show is a dud; just hand out the diplomas and be done with it.

A commencement speaker’s resume normally improves with the luster of the institution at which he has been hired to regale the soon-to-be-alumni. At some colleges, you might get a Congressman to fire off a few minutes of boilerplate about how he believes the children are the future, so teach them well and blah, blah, blah. At others, one can legitimately hope for a Presidential send-off, provided the President isn’t playing the back nine at Brookline that day. Ultimately, the commencement speaker needs to either be notable enough to be boring or interesting enough to lack notability, especially considering the fact that a great many of the people in the caps and gowns will be fighting exceedingly notable hangovers.

This past weekend, Rutgers University’s Class of 2014 had a rare opportunity to hear someone who combines both a notable presence and an exceedingly interesting story. It’s a tale of a black woman who rose from poverty in the Jim Crow South to become one of the most highly regarded diplomatic, geopolitical and academic minds on the planet. In fact, she overcame almost ridiculously long odds to become one of the most powerful women — most powerful people — on the planet.

Like anyone who has climbed to the loftiest heights of society, she has her detractors. To be fair, not all of her critics are motivated purely by racism and/or misogyny. Nonetheless, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice represents an outstanding “get” as a commencement speaker. Her story is practically an American dream case study, a fact acknowledged by the Rutgers Student Government when it voted 25-17 to extend its invitation to Rice.

Unfortunately, the members of the graduating class, along with the faculty, trustees, honored guests, proud parents and whichever undergrads manage to crawl out of their fraternity houses, didn’t get to hear Rice’s story. From a student body and faculty numbering close to 60,000, a group numbering in at least the tens, if not dozens, made enough racket to ruin a lifetime’s memory for the whole community. Following repeated, albeit poorly attended, protests by a fringe bunch of undereducated but over-radicalized kids, Rice withdrew from the engagement.

What a perfect parting lesson for the graduating class: Even if you represent a tiny sliver of the extreme left, even if your viewpoint has been the subject of an election which it lost, even if you might learn something more useful in your final minutes in the ivory tower than you did in four years of women’s studies and interpretive dance classes, you can still rain on everyone’s parade. Just kick, scream and stomp your feet until you get your way.

And it’s not as if Rutgers is the only school that imparts this lesson, deliberately or otherwise. What a fine lesson about tolerance, understanding and knowledge for the future best and brightest. At the very least, it sure beats burning six figures worth of mom and dad’s hard-earned money on something that might actually result in the new graduate moving out of their basement.

–Ben Crystal

Back To Benghazi, Again

To paraphrase President Barack Obama, let me be abundantly clear: it’s a virtual certainty that Obama will walk away from Benghazi – and the other scandals which have defined his regime of unprecedented corruption – unscathed.

No matter how many memos surface proving Obama Administration flacks lied about those tragically preventable events, no matter how many facts come to light about Obama’s own policy of arming al-Qaida-linked Syrian terrorists using a weapons pipeline which ran through Libya, no matter how many times both Obama and his flunkies are caught changing the narrative about the unconscionable breakdown in the executive chain of command and communication which led directly to the deaths of Ambassador Chris Stevens, Glen Doherty, Sean Smith and Tyrone Woods; the 44th President will finish his term, hire a ghost writer for his latest “memoirs,” and head for the links without so much as a glance over his shoulder at the smoldering ruins and dead bodies which litter his tenure. Anything short of actual video footage of Obama ordering one of his minions to push a ludicrous talking point like “spontaneous demonstration” or “crappy YouTube video” will fall short of the smoking gun needed to actually force Obama to answer for his crimes.

So don’t expect justice; not even due to the emergence of a new series of internal White House memos obtained by the watchdog group Judicial Watch which prove that high-level Obama officials coached Ambassador Susan Rice to push the YouTube narrative even after they knew it was as false as one of the President’s many promises about Obamacare.

Among hundreds of pages of material, an email written by Obama advisor Ben Rhodes turned up detailing the “YouTube” strategy. In it, Rhodes suggests Ambassador Susan Rice push the idea that the Benghazi massacre was “rooted in Internet video, and not a broader failure or policy.” Addressed to senior Obama aides including Dan Pfeiffer and Jay Carney, Rhodes’ email was sent on Sept. 14, two days after intel officials informed Rice that the attacks were “complex;” and likely not a result of a crappy Internet video no one in Benghazi had yet seen.

It’s right there in black and white. Obama’s people lied; and he either knew it, which makes him a criminal; or didn’t, which makes him a dupe. And yet, Obama is already free and clear of the blast zone. Benghazi can – and likely will – damage the already-troubled Presidential candidacy of Benghazi-era Secretary of State Hillary Clinton; but what difference does that make? The Republican-controlled House, who can raise quite a hue and cry over Obama’s Benghazi crimes, is too busy cowering under its desks and/or selling out our children over so-called “immigration reform.”

That Obama and more than a few of his accomplices lied to the world about what transpired in Benghazi on Sept. 11, 2011 is a matter of record. They lost the ability to credibly claim ignorance following their multiple narrative changes in the wake of the murders. In fact, the lesson we learned by observing the Obama Administration’s muddied and often self-conflicting response to Benghazi is more about their own arrogant mendacity than it is about “the fog of war” and/or YouTube videos with the production values of the average “screamin’ car dealer” television spot.

Nonetheless, Obama and his coterie of thugs simply don’t care. They don’t care about the Benghazi victims any more than they care about the victims of Operation Fast and Furious or Kermit Gosnell… or you.

-Ben Crystal


Ben Crystal’s Guide to Liberal-Watching

As another winter of our discontent slowly releases the icy grip which not even “global warming” could break, spring has sprung across America. While the season might turn a young man’s thoughts of fancy to love; from the lobbyists’ offices on K Street in Washington to the Bureau of Land Management SWAT team armories of the desert Southwest, Democrats, their moneyed special interest masters and their jackbooted muscle maintain their dead-eyed predator’s stare in the bright days of spring. Joining them in the light is nearly every liberal who can slither, crawl or scurry.

Rather than draw the curtains and wait for another record-cold winter to silence the cacophony of Democrats’ en masse, I’ve put together a little primer to help you not only appreciate the flora, fauna and fungus you’re likely to encounter in the great outdoors.

In the grand tradition of Roger Tory Peterson, I proudly present: A field guide to liberals.

The Black-ish Flamingo (Barack Obama)


Plumage: Cavalli dresses (female), bike helmets, mom jeans (male)

Call: “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan”

Habitat: Washington, D.C.; Bill Ayers’ living room; Jeremiah Wright’s “church” (front pew – non-election years only).

Virtually unknown before the 2000s, B. Obama has become one of the most prominent liberal species in existence; despite an almost complete dearth of significant accomplishments. Of somewhat murky origins, B. Obama tends to adopt the speech patterns and mannerisms of the dominant species in attendance. B. Obama is oddly ungainly in both thought and deed; but will still attempt to engage in physical and political activities well beyond its meager abilities.

Examples: President Barack Obama, Michelle Obama

Ben’s Fun Facts: B. Obama throws like a girl.

The Gray-Topped Booby (Sociopathicus Corruptocraticus)


Plumage: Tends toward suits which match its hair and demeanor. Pinched face. Oddly small head.

Call: “Koch Brothers!”

Habitat: Searchlight, Nev.; Washington, D.C.; West Virginia (formerly).

While extraordinarily hostile to other species, S. Corruptocraticus can be distracted by large piles of cash and/or parcels of developable real estate. Unidentified sources, purportedly from inside Bain Capital, have suggested S. Corruptocraticus has an unnatural predilection for pre-teen children.

Examples: Senator Harry Reid, Senator Robert Byrd (d. 2010)

Ben’s Fun Facts: S. Corruptocraticus is capable of arguing against itself.

The Colossal Flightless Turkey (Clintoniensis Benghazi)

Senate Foreign Relations Committee holds a hearing on Benghazi in Washington, DC

Plumage: Females: pantsuits, kankles. Males: dewlaps, gin blossoms.

Call: “What difference does it make?” (females) “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” “Hey, baby!” (males)

Habitat: Chappaqua, N.Y.; Washington, D.C.; Nevada brothels (rumored).

C. Benghazi is an odd species; in that once they’ve mated, the females and males want virtually nothing to do with each other. The females are noted for their vivid imaginations and extreme paranoia. The females also display an odd tendency to badly mimic the accents of whomever they’re with. The males are noted for an almost total lack of compunction. WARNING: the male C. Benghazi is extremely dangerous; and should never be allowed near chubby women without strict supervision. The male C. Benghazi is often confused for the now-extinct DrunkDrivicus Kennedy; an apex predator which once ranged from Hyannisport, Mass., to Palm Beach, Fla.

Examples: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton

Ben’s Fun Facts: C. Benghazi really DOESN’T know what the meaning of “is” is.

Shrieking Loon (LimousineLiberalis Hypocriticus)

President Obama speaks at the National Peace Officers Memorial Service

Plumage: Females: Botox®. Males: sunken eyes, insider trading allegations.

Habitat: Primarily blue States.

Known to build and live in exorbitantly luxurious dens while denying other species the opportunity to do the same. Female L. Hypocriticus tend to be bossy and hysterical; males tend to be aloof and creepy. Both females and males age oddly; in some cases developing either “frozen face” syndrome, or “fake-bake-itis,” which manifests in coat colors from “peach” to “blaze orange.”

Examples: House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi; Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel

Ben’s Fun Facts: Some females of the species lose the ability to blink as they age!

The Death Vulture (GunBanicus Parasiticus)

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Lady Gaga celebrate New Year's Eve in New York

Plumage: Neon cardboard, Birkenstocks, Permanently Outraged Expressions.

Call: “Guns Are Bad!” “It’s the NRA’s fault!”

Habitat: Social media sites, crime scenes.

Like all creatures which feed primarily on carrion, G. Parasiticus tends to hide in the shadows, and then pour into scenes of violence and death by the busloads. Prefers tragedies involving multiple casualties; especially if the victims are children. Is obsessed with a fictional villain to whom it refers as “Gun Violence.”

Examples: Piers Morgan, Michael Bloomberg.

Ben’s Fun Facts: G. Parasiticus believes firearms are actually evil, sentient beings!

The Media Parrott (Lapdogisis SockPuppeticus)

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney conducts his daily press briefing in the Brady Press Briefing Room of the White House in Washington, D.C. on December 12, 2013. He took questions about access for still photographers in the wake of the op-ed piece in the New York Times by Santiago Lyon, Vice President and Director of Photography at The Associated Press. UPI/Ron Sachs/Pool

Plumage: Skinny ties, hipster glasses.

Call: “Obamacare is working!”

Habitat: Newspaper offices, the MSNBC bathroom, Parents’ basement (blogger subspecies)

L. Sockpuppeticus combines extreme hostility to other species with an unusually compliant attitude when addressed by other liberals. Like many lower-order species, L. SockPuppeticus females tend to be larger and more aggressive than their male counterparts.

Examples: Rachel Maddow, Jay Carney

Ben’s Fun Facts: Scientists are still unsure of how L. SockPuppeticus reproduces.

The Climate Dodo (GlobalWarmiensis ManBearPig)


Plumage: “Che’” T-shirt, dog-eared copy of Earth in the Balance

Call: “Global Cooling – er – Warming – er – Climate Change!”

Habitat: Sierra Club meetings, Whole Foods

Easily distinguished by its tendency to move in herds, G. ManBearPig will alter its “facts” to fit current circumstances. G. ManBearPig spends the bulk of its time blaming weather patterns on industry, “SUV’s” and/or former President George W. Bush. Alpha males have been known to produce “carbon footprints” larger than some commercial airliners.

Examples: Al Gore, Laurie David

Ben’s Fun Facts: G. ManBearPig cannot speak with its eyes open.

The Famous Jackass (Blowholus Hollyweirdius/Blowholus RockNRollus)

AFI Night at the Movies in Los Angeles

Plumage: Breast/cheek/chin implants. Sunglasses, even when indoors at night.

Call: “My movie is totally worth the $15/ticket!” “Republicans are stupid!” “Buy my new single!”

Habitat: Southern California, lower Manhattan, guest suites at fascist dictators’ palaces, the Hamptons (summer only); Park City, Utah., Aspen, Colo. (winter only)

Highly timid to the point of reclusiveness when alone, B. Hollyweirdus is almost never found in nature unless surrounded by extremely large and/or heavily armed entourages. Nearly all specimens suffer from a borderline obsessive condition with having better/nicer/flashier things than anyone else; and will spend the GNP of a mid-sized European nation to keep the people they pretend to support from getting within 10 feet of them. The average B. Hollyweirdius possesses an attention span roughly inversely proportional to the amount of attention it receives.

Examples: Cher, Sean Penn

Ben’s Fun Facts: Some B. Hollyweirdius are so filled with silicone that they’re not biodegradable!

The Pink-footed Peacock (Abortionista Barbiae)


Plumage: Pink shoes, short skirts, heavy makeup.

Call: “Keep Abortion Legal!” “Check out my shoes!”

Habitat: Texas day spas, Upper East Side of Manhattan cocktail parties, Beverly Hills.

Don’t let the outward flash fool you; A. Barbiae is as ugly as sin on the inside. It is almost always surrounded by a flock of much less physically impressive females; many of whom will throw actual human excrement if the A. Barbiae is challenged. Noted for a homicidal hatred for other species’ offspring.

Examples: Texas State Senator Wendy Davis

Ben’s Fun Facts: A. Barbiae often wears feminine hygiene products for jewelry.

The Average Democrat (Voterius LowInformationii)

UPI Pictures of the Year 2012 Ð NEWS & FEATURES

Plumage: iPhone, Starbucks’ cup, low foreheads.

Call: “Free Mumia!” “We are the 99 percent.”

Habitat: Big Labor offices, hate group rallies, prison.

The pack animals of the left, V. LowInformationii will show up in large numbers at any gathering of liberals, even if they don’t understand the cause of meeting. Often violent, V. LowInformationii will destroy anything they deem upsetting; even if they just bought a soy latte’ in the same location. V. LowInformationii can be found wherever other liberal species’ roost; especially if free stuff is available to take and/or steal.

Examples: “Occupiers,” labor union thugs, Code Pink members

Ben’s Fun Facts: V. LowInformationii can – and will – defecate on command; especially on other people’s property.

Remember: liberals are fun to observe; but like any wild animals, they can be unpredictable. Safety first, kiddies!

Cliven Bundy And The Real Racists

So, Cliven Bundy is a racist; and by extension, so are all conservatives.

We know this, because Bundy said some racist stuff; and the Democrats and their lapdog media have declared him to be a spokesman for the entire right side of the American political sphere. According to The New York Times’  Cliven Bundy Accidentally Explained What’s Wrong With the Republican Party”.


Granted, Bundy’s statements were artless at best. But “..the negro(s)…didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom..” is essentially the opposite of “..musing about whether slavery was so bad.” A fair argument could be made that Bundy was professing a very 21st century attitude in the language of his own mid-20th century upbringing. If he ought to update his lexicon, then someone ought to tell the United Negro College Fund, among others.

Whatever the case, even accepting the ludicrous “Bundy is a racist; and therefore so are all Republicans” argument as fact, an armed Bureau of Land Management strike team seems like a mild overreaction to a mouthy rancher who’s overdue on grazing fees and in desperate need of a better publicist.

But let’s pretend we’re good little liberals, and put facts aside. Presuming we believe the Democrats’ charge that Bundy is a racist; and by extension, so are all conservatives, then I have some very, very bad news for our port-side pals: compared to you guys, conservatives are practically Rosa Parks. After all, Bundy is a lone Nevada rancher. He’s hardly a spokesman for anyone other than himself; and not even a particularly good one. But real racists run through the Democrat roster like rats through a sewer. And unlike Bundy, their relationships with the Democratic Party are as official as they are intricate.

I’m not just talking about d-list “comediennes” like Janeane Garofalo, either; although Garofalo’s suggestion that Herman Cain is only conservative because white conservatives pay him to be is one of the more shocking moments of televised Democratic bigotry since they stood as a party against the Civil Rights Act.

Robert Reich, the Secretary of Labor under President Bill Clinton, heads a fun little collective called Common Cause. Funded in part by Democratic Party sugardaddy – and former Nazi collaborator – George Soros; Common Cause purports to be “Holding power accountable.” They even do so with the kind of tax exemption President Barack Obama’s IRS would very much like to deny to “conservative” groups. And they have quite a history. In 2011, the group picketed outside a California hotel during an event hosted by the liberally-reviled Koch brothers. Among the forum’s guests was Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. According to the picketers, Thomas’s conservatism ought to earn him anything from being “sent back to the fields” (BACK to the fields?), to having his toes cut off and force fed to him, to an outright lynching. One picketer even suggested Thomas’s wife Ginny ought to share his fate. That’s a far cry from suggesting “the negro…didn’t get no more freedom.”

And the current Democratic A-listers have a pretty poor track record on race, as well. Everyone’s favorite Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid once described President Obama as speaking with “with no negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.” I suppose that’s Harry’s version of living up to the proud standard set by former Senate Majority Leader Robert Byrd; although I have no more evidence to support the conclusion that Reid was ever in the Klan than Reid does about Mitt Romney’s taxes.

Just this past week, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling, so generous to Democratic causes that the NAACP planned to honor him for his efforts, told his girlfriend “It bothers me a lot that you want to broadcast that you’re associating with black people.” I wonder why the same people who tried to bolt Cliven Bundy to the GOP can’t seem to drum up the same outrage for Sterling’s sputum; or for Harry Reid’s, or for Common Cause’s, among other Democratic standard-bearers. Actually, no I don’t.

SCOTUS Gets Schuette Right

I think it’s a bit of a shame that the Supreme Court had to devote time to rendering a decision in Schuette v. Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action, Integration and Immigration Rights and Fight for Equality By Any Means Necessary (BAMN) et al. I was under the impression that state-sponsored racism had fallen out of favor — as much of an anachronism as the Klan and its famous son Robert Byrd, the late Democratic superstar Senator. Nonetheless, the 2006 Michigan Civil Rights Initiative (Prop 2), which bars State schools from denying admissions out of racism, met with legal opposition from a consortium of racist hate groups, including the magnificently monikered BAMN.

Thus did the court, which has certainly had its share of missteps of late, affirm the people of Michigan’s overwhelming desire to let merit speak for itself in matters of academia. By a 6-2 majority (Justice Elena Kagan recused herself), the highest court in the land ruled — nay, reminded — that ignoring merit in favor of skin color deserves no more of a place in our modern society than the Jim Crow laws the Democrats spent decades devising and defending.

BAMN was quick to denounce the decision. In a statement released to the press (which I suspect involved shouting at random passers-by), a BAMN spokesbigot named Shanta Driver shrieked:

Today’s Supreme Court decision upholding the ban on affirmative action in Michigan is a racist decision. It is this Court’s Plessy v Ferguson… At the very moment that America is becoming a majority minority nation this Court is declaring its intention to uphold white privilege and to create a new Jim Crow legal system.

Driver, who evidently skipped some fairly important days in law school, has somehow gotten Plessy v. Ferguson confused with Driver v. Her Imagination. Plessy specifically allowed racial segregation, whereas Schuette specifically bars race from being a factor of any kind. As for her contention that the court is defending “white privilege” in a soon-to-be “majority minority nation,” I would think that she’d be relieved to see the high court strike down institutionalized racism at institutions of higher learning as yet another racial group other than hers accedes to the majority.

Incredibly, even with their abysmal record on civil rights and race relations, the Democrats bellowed their bigotry upon hearing of the Schuette decision. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi tweeted:

I’m curious as to how a multimillionaire who’s as Caucasian as Edgar Winter in a whiteout reconciles “constitutionally advance diversity” with the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments — not to mention the 5th, 9th and 10th.

Our collective American journey toward a harmonious society is already filled with fits, starts and missteps, with more to come. It might be easier without our liberal companions throwing up roadblocks and digging potholes along the way.

–Ben Crystal

Your Race Card Has Been Declined

Pity poor Goldie Taylor. By her account, she struggles through each day, dragging with her the shackles of the racial animus which she and all her African-American brothers and sisters must drag with them through life. Taylor explained her uphill climb during a recent Twitter meltdown regarding Cliven Bundy:

Imagine my putty-faced surprise to learn after all my years on Earth that I had it better than Taylor, merely by virtue of my white-ish skin. Fortunately, Taylor was there to explain: “You don’t know the disparities b/c your life is as such that you don’t have to. That, my friends, defines privilege.”

Not that I necessarily doubt Taylor’s claims of racist victimization, but I have a hard time understanding how she counts herself among the victims. Taylor grew up in East St. Louis, Ill. While the city has been a Democrat-controlled, decaying semi-urban hulk since before Taylor’s arrival, it’s difficult to imagine how she endured much racism in a city whose population is close to 100 percent black. Rather than lament her circumstances, she escaped to Parris Island, S.C., and the Marine Corps, which must have missed her overabundance of melanin. Discharged honorably, she and her children moved to Atlanta, where she tricked the Atlanta Journal-Constitution into hiring her despite her ethnicity and attended the prestigious Emory University, a decision she said was motivated by the fact that Emory “was the only college at the time that had family housing, because without it, we would’ve been homeless.” Lucky for her, then, that Emory didn’t notice her dark skin.

Taylor moved on from the media world to pursue political work. Again, she somehow managed to escape the racism that barred so many others from success. Most remarkably of all, Taylor worked on a series of Republican campaigns in Georgia — a virtual impossibility given the racism inherent in all society, not to mention the Republican Party. She then followed her time in the political industry by infiltrating the world of advertising. All things being equal, Taylor has done quite well for herself given the soul-crushing racism that she insists defines her life as a black woman.

The money, the degree from a respected institution of higher learning, the hobnobbing with the rich and the elbowing with the powerful, and even the career built on charging people to listen to her speak her mind: it was all forced upon her because she’s black-ish. Actually, she’s a fairly pleasant shade of caramel and — speaking only on my own behalf — not particularly hard on the eyes. But still: What a trouper she must be.

Despite her best efforts, Taylor’s skin color has relegated her to the meager trappings of business success, professional and academic achievements, and media demand — all of it with corporate sponsorship by companies such as Proctor & Gamble. In fact, with examinations of race and culture including CNN’s highly rated “Black in America” on her resume, Taylor has apparently been forced to exploit her complexion to survive. No matter. Much like Barack Obama, who couldn’t rise beyond the Presidency of the United States; Neil deGrasse Tyson, who is stuck as one of America’s preeminent scientists and philosophers; and even Oprah Winfrey, who was too black to reach above a position of unparalleled dominance over American popular culture, Taylor simply wasn’t able to throw off the yoke of racism and follow her dreams.

Oh, cruel fortune! Oh, mean fate! Oh, vicious destiny! Oh, spare me the race-baiting histrionics, Ms. Taylor. You’re doing just fine.

–Ben Crystal

Snapping Selfies While The World Burns

The Great Eight: Joe Biden looks almost human in this one. Kathleen Sebelius escapes “job lock.” And it’s “Dark Helmet” to the rescue! All this — plus — How many Fs in “racist?” Presented in 1080 hi-def, FOR FREE! It’s the Great Eight, from the Personal Liberty Digest!



From the Personal Liberty Digest studios–looks like Barry doesn’t have a friend in Pennsylvania. It’s time for this weeks, Great Eight. And now, you’ve got a friend in Ben Crystal.

And remember friends don’t let friends vote Democrat. [laughter]

Ehh, I don’t know, I kind of like the original better. [laughter]

New polls reveal 61 percent of Americans think President Obama lies on important issues. The other 39 percent were afraid of being audited by the IRS…again. [laughter]

Not even resigning in disgrace can stop Kathleen Sebelius reportedly considering a Senate run. Asked what the people of Kansas did to deserve it, Sebelius said, ‘Well Mozilla wasn’t hiring after all.’ [laughter]

More telephone “diplomacy” between Obama and Russian President Vladimir Putin, [Russian accent] ‘look Barry I told you to never call me at work. It was a nice night, it’s over now.’ [end Russian accent] [laughter]

Democrat congressman Mike Honda of California-stan took a moment this week to “celebrate 100 years of Japanese-American friendship.” 100 years of friendship, huh? I seem to remember a spot of unpleasantness a while back. [laughter]

The U.N. says to save the planet from so-called global warming we need to vacuum Co2 out of the sky. Science-fiction problems…science fiction solutions. [laughter] I see your [inaudible] pig is as big as mine. [laughter]

And with Michele Bachmann retiring the hate blog, SALON has picked out a new target for the Democratic party’s, war on women, Tennessee congresswoman Marsha Blackburn. A woman who doesn’t think the way Soros commands, [gasp] burn the witch! [laughter]

And a racist hate group is demanding the University of Michigan admit students based solely on skin color. The group’s name is Bamn, Bamnnn, from the original ebonics word meaning, can’t spell well enough to get into college on merit. [laughter]

And that’s you’re Great Eight for the week kiddies for the Personal Liberty Digest. I’m Ben Crystal saying, Happy Easter. He Has Risen.

Concerning Harry Reid

Mr. David Krone
Chief of Staff
To Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid
522 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Mr. Krone,

Listen, buddy, we need to talk about your boss. I know he pays your salary, and I know he exempted you from Obamacare; but this is getting out of hand. I’m not sure if Senator Reid is off his meds or if twilight is falling on the old man a little faster than anticipated, but you need to start thinking about life post-Harry.


  • He accused then-Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney of cheating on his taxes, but he never produced more substantial evidence than hearsay; and even the hearsay itself was denied by the reputed source, John Huntsman Sr., who has denied making the accusation.
  • He detonated the so-called Senatorial “nuclear option,” thereby terminating decades of Senate filibuster tradition, not to mention making a liar out of himself.
  • He called the victims of Obamacare’s fraudulent machinations liars and paid stooges of the “Koch Brothers,” even as Obamacare revealed itself to be the largest financial fraud in human history. When his mendacity was exposed, he actually claimed he hadn’t made the statements — even though the comments are still readily available for viewing even now.
  • He funneled up to $31,000 from his campaign to his granddaughter, despite clear Federal prohibitions on such activity.
  • He intervened on behalf of Chinese-owned business interests on multiple occasions since at least 2010, when he and other Democrats finagled Federal stimulus dollars for a Chicom wind farm.
  • He personally forced the Department of Homeland Security to allow travel visas for sketchy Chinese investors in his son Rory’s Las Vegas hotel property. According to immigration authorities, the Chicoms in question were denied visas on account of “suspicious financial activity.”

But threatening the Bundys in the wake of the biggest Federal public relations face-plant since at least Ruby Ridge, if not Waco itself, crossed the proverbial bridge too far. Of all the people to wade into the Bundy ranch debacle, the most divisive politician outside the Oval Office ought to have been pretty far down the list. With the war between the Bureau of Land Management and Cliven Bundy featuring a tortured-enough plotline already, someone in your office took their eyes off the guy long enough for the cameras to record him whining, “We can’t have an American people that violate the law and then just walk away from it.” I doubt that’s the epitaph the Federal rustlers wanted to hear as they retreated from the standoff. I’m certain it doesn’t put the Bundys in a more cooperative frame of mind for the next round.

I know the future looks dark for you. Your party’s decision to place their own political zeal over the best interests of the Nation has left many of your friends in other Democrat Congressional offices updating their resumes for the inevitable loss of seats approaching this fall. Some of you will likely be out of work when the good Senator has to vacate the Majority Leader’s office. You might even have to go back to your former gig as a corporate stooge for Comcast. But for the love of all that is good and true, get Harry under control. He’s making us look bad.

Oh, so very sincerely yours,


The Price Of Sharpton

As I watched President Barack Obama interrupt his busy schedule of crimes, misdemeanors and fundraising to address the racist hate group National Action Network’s annual convention, the usual thoughts wandered through my consciousness. Why would Obama stand up to be counted with a race-pimping parasite like the “Reverend” Al Sharpton and his coterie of cretins? How would the Democrats react if a conservative President spoke to a meeting of similarly repulsive bottom-feeders? How is Sharpton still considered influential, despite a resume that reads like something from a Jerry Springer pay-per-view special? Why do I continue to subject myself to the likes of Obama and Sharpton without drinking more?

Swimming around with those questions was another, more pertinent inquiry. Why would Obama bother risking his dwindling popularity by consorting with such debris? He has no re-election with which to contend, and his base requires no shoring. The sort of folks who would willingly attend an event in the same ZIP code as a guy like Sharpton would vote for Obama if he deliberately attempted to defraud the entire Nation in an attempt to wrest control of medical decisions from doctors and award it to Federal bureaucrats — not that anyone would ever display such arrogance.

Perhaps our man Barry has convinced himself that the adoration of hate groups, pseudo-journalists and Hollywood multi-millionaires makes up for the animus of the majority of Americans. Perhaps he believes that the Americans like him enough to forgive him for Benghazi, Operation Fast and Furious, the National Security Agency’s reading Grandma’s email and the Internal Revenue Service’s bludgeoning citizens for objecting to any of the aforementioned. Perhaps he actually thinks people will ignore the images of Federal storm troopers assaulting a pregnant woman and a cancer victim while trying to crush a family cattle rancher in defense of a small reptile. Perhaps he honestly believes that dismissing accepting the resignation of Kathleen Sebelius will somehow mitigate the damage done not only to his own legacy, but to his party’s future electoral hopes.

There’s a miscalculation inherent in Obama and the Democrats’ thinking. By consistently playing to their low-information base, they’re preaching to the proverbial choir. Sure, the applause and adulation are nice; but playing to their base involved ignoring, defrauding and even physically attacking the sizable majority of Americans. Obama is wildly popular, but only among an increasingly small wedge of the population. This fall, the Democrats are going to pay a stiff electoral price for his hubris. What’s worse, his arrogant refusal to even acknowledge our outrage has likely saddled his party with a debt that will require them to pay in installments, with the next one coming due in 2016. And I somehow doubt that Sharpton and the National Action Network have the dough to cover the tab.

–Ben Crystal

How Obama Defines ‘Equal’

The Great Eight: Some paychecks are more equal than others. The Democrats’ $6 billion woman. And: we’re going to need a bigger cat. All this, plus, the worst bumper sticker ever! Presented in 1080 hi-def, FOR FREE! It’s The Great Eight, from the Personal Liberty Digest!



(clapping) It’s time. From Personal Liberty Digest studios. (clapping) It’s time for this weeks Great Eight.

And now the bench warmer himself, Ben Crystal.

Feds destroying property, assaulting citizens, and violating the Constitution over a turtle. Sadly, that’s about right these days. (laughter) With his boss pushing so-called ‘equal pay’, Jay Carney had to explain why President Obama only pays White House women a percentage of what he pays their male counterparts. Said Carny…bros before hoes, yo! (laughter)

Meanwhile, at the State Department we can’t find that $6 billion anywhere. We asked Hilary and she said to check under the Rose Law Firm billing records. (laughter)

I knew I smelled a rat, (laughter) look at the size of that thing, must be one of them city rats. (laughter)

Accomplice General Eric Holder said this week he’d like to force gun owners to wear special bracelets in order to exercise their Constitutional rights. Jewelry Eric? You shouldn’t have. (laughter) But look we’ve got something for you too. (laughter)

Harry Reid wants senators who accepted donations from the Koch brothers to “wear insignias.” What, like a yellow star for their chests? Maybe we can just tattoo it on their forearms, right Harry? (laughter) Just don’t tell Chuck Schumer.

Democrat Jim Moran thinks members of Congress are “under paid.” What’s the matter Jimmy, $174 thousand not enough to cover bail for you and the kid. (laughter) Have you thought about not hitting girls?

Here’s a question Lois Lerner CAN answer: You like prison food? (laughter)

Oh, yea, because dodging imaginary sniper fire is way easier at the Four Seasons. (laughter)

And that’s our Great Eight for the week kiddies from the Personal Liberty Digest. I’m Ben Crystal saying “Adios Kathleen, don’t let the door hit you on the way out” (clapping)

The Best Flea In The Circus

I have never felt badly for White House press secretary Jay Carney before. Actually, I still don’t feel badly for him; it’s more that I don’t envy him. I sympathize with the lead marionette in President Barack Obama’s sock puppet show; but I don’t — I can’t — empathize with him. After all, he took the job. And with that job comes certain inescapable duties. Serving as the press secretary for Obama requires the officeholder to face less fire than most, since the ideological kinship between the lapdog media and their man, Barry, borders on the incestuous. But even Obama can test the limits of their adoration. And when he does, it falls to poor Carney to grimace, adjust his ironic hipster glasses and try to soothe the media’s delicate feelings.

Monday afternoon, Carney stood his post when Obama blundered into yet another snare of his own making. Obama proclaimed Tuesday would be “National Equal Pay Day.” Given the Democrats’ tendency to wrap themselves in the righteous outrage of whichever self-identified victim class is currently in vogue, Obama’s announcement barely qualified as noteworthy. Democrats love co-opting other people’s suffering — especially when the suffering opens the door to a talking point like the Democrats’ oft-cited, yet entirely fictional, conservative “war on women.”

Unfortunately for Carney, someone noticed the elephantine hypocrisy wandering around the White House. It might have been ladies’ night in the Oval Office, but the rest of the Obama Administration clearly remained a man’s world. And in a sign that the love affair between the media and Obama has hit one of its periodic rough patches, a correspondent from the normally affectionate press corps hoisted Carney on Obama’s gender-bias petard. During the Q&A, a reporter noted the discrepancy between Obama’s equal-pay platitudes and his own workplace policies, specifically citing the American Enterprise Institute’s discovery of the 88 cents on the dollar earned by White House women compared to their male counterparts — a fact we’ve pointed out here at Personal Liberty on multiple occasions. And that’s when Carney found himself right smack in the middle of God’s little acre, east of the rock and west of the hard place.

I think that those studies look at, uh, the aggregate of everyone on staff. And that includes some of the most junior levels to the most senior. What I can tell you is that we have, as an institution here, have aggressively addressed this challenge. And obviously, though, at the end of the [inaudible] 88 cents that you cite, that is not 100, but it is better than the national average.

That was the moment I felt just a twinge of regret on his behalf. Because his boss is a duplicitous reprobate, Carney actually had to say that out loud — and with a straight face. Presented with Obama’s failure to live up to his own standards, Carney could do no better than a halfhearted excuse which translates to, “We’re probably better than average.”

Before Carney picked up the lead fan in Obama’s stage show, he served as the top mouthpiece for Vice President Joe Biden. I expect even the endless damage control required of an Obama spokesman seems almost relaxing when compared to the shame of working for a gibbering buffoon like Biden. Carney certainly could have stayed at TIME magazine, where mouthing leftist tripe delivers a smaller paycheck and less infamy than his current posting, but carries with it less risk of public humiliation than working for a pathological liar like Obama. Unfortunately for our pal, Jay, he forgot one of politics’ — and life’s — most important lessons: If you lie with Democrats, you’re bound to be a flea.

–Ben Crystal

Surfing The Web Of Tolerance

I pride myself on my tolerance. I tolerate it when I’m stuck in line at the grocery store behind the guy who’s paying for his malt liquor with pocket change. I tolerate it when my dogs decide to wake me up early on Sunday morning. I tolerate the hammerhead in the Prius with the “Think Globally, Act Locally” sticker who thinks 64 mph in the passing lane is “2 Fast 2 Furious.” In fact, I’m so tolerant that I even tolerate the existence of ideas other than mine.

Here at Personal Liberty, we share a rather obvious libertarian/conservative attitude. But not everyone who writes for Personal Liberty shares identical opinions about everything. Unlike your more homogenized liberal “news” outlets, we not only don’t censor dissent, but we encourage it. There’s a whole section right below this article set aside just for you to hash out how much you loved this piece, or hated this piece, or think Bob Livingston should replace me with “Marmaduke.”

We sport a surprising diversity of opinion among the many fine writers who share their thoughts with you. For example, our newsroom and editorial staff are riddled with SEC fans. I think Mr. Livingston himself roots for Auburn. Yet I tolerate their woeful choice in sports fandom. I’m pretty sure John Myers is either a Calgary Flames or Vancouver Canucks fan, and that’s the NHL version of pulling for one of those conferences that plays its bowl games in late November.

Quite a few people here don’t share my opinion that same-sex marriage should be legal. Others don’t agree that marijuana should be legal. And there is no shortage of you who have expressed less-than-convivial tones regarding my collection of firearms and my belief that the Bill of Rights ought to be the only license I need for it.

We disagree on some politics. We disagree on some social issues. We don’t all vote for the same people in national elections. We don’t necessarily even support the same Presidential candidates — although I’m going to predict that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will find few followers here should he get a hand on the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination.

I know some of you dear visitors to our stop on the information superhighway have fairly high opinions of the work we do here. I also know a few of you think our venture is several steps below the Web’s intellectual sub-basement. As an aside, I often wonder why you torture yourselves so; but that’s a different rumination entirely. And I know this about you, because you share it with us. Moreover, we allow you to do so at your convenience. In fact, as I noted earlier, we ask for your input. Unless your remarks are profane, libelous or involve a chance for us to make $10 million if we just allow you to borrow our bank accounts for a Nigerian wire transfer, chances are we’re going to let them into the fray. Even if you think only gay marriage should be legal, even if you believe everyone should be required to inject themselves with heroin before leaving the house in the morning, and even if you think the guy down the street with the unmarked and windowless van should be allowed to recruit our children right off the playground for Obamacare, we’re probably going to allow you to say it. All right, the serious-looking cats who handle the business end of our site might skim that last one off the top.

But we tolerate it. And if you’re still reading this, you do, too. To be honest, I don’t think I would enjoy a world in which everyone thought the same things about everything that I think. To me, that sounds like one of the lower levels of perdition, or the inner sanctum of one of those hate groups funded by George Soros. Furthermore, in a world where both of us share identical thoughts on everything, you’re vestigial; and I would miss you.

All things being equal, I’m a reasonably tolerant dude working for an extraordinarily tolerant operation. I’m nothing like the poor saps stuck toiling for the Mozilla Corporation, where even mild dissent on non-business-related political issues voiced six years ago can get you fired today.

–Ben Crystal


Regular readers of Personal Liberty know I tend to quote the sword-wielding Spaniard Inigo Montoya from the film “The Princess Bride.” Since the Democrats enjoy such a cozy relationship with Hollywood, I suppose it’s ironic that a line made famous by Hollywood would so perfectly fit the plot twists and cliff-hangers proffered by President Barack Obama’s legacy-defining Obamacare rollout. In the immortal words of the simple, but wise, Montoya: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

I love that line — partially because it’s a terrific bit of writing, partially because Mandy Patinkin delivered it perfectly and partially because it’s an appropriate rejoinder to almost any claim Obama and the Obamacare horde might make.

For those victims of the teachers’ unions, “you” would be the teeming masses of Obamacare cheerleaders who continue to spout already-debunked talking points, phantom “success stories” and fictional “enrollment” numbers while either ignoring, discounting or outright slandering the sources of real-life horror stories created by Barry’s Big, Huge Fraud.

The “word” would be — as the latest in a series of delayed “deadlines” passes with yet another multi-car pileup at the Obamacare exit from the information superhighway — virtually every promise Obama and his accomplices made regarding every aspect of Obamacare.

But Montoya is hardly the lone “Princess Bride” character to serve as an apt metaphor for the Democrats’ showing over the past six years. While Inigo’s signature phrase fits the Democrats’ inexplicably rosy view of the Obamacare disaster like the holocaust cloak fit Fezzik, the Democrats themselves size up pretty well as Inigo’s ill-fated boss, that diminutive devil Vizzini. Even as each page in the Obamacare script has been forced into drastic rewrites, they’ve pressed on with their scam like Inigo’s pint-size employer. Despite increasingly predictable failures at every turn, neither the Democrats nor Vizzini hesitated to undertake their sinister tasks. With his own impending doom well known to every sensible observer, Vizzini considered failure “inconceivable!” Sounds like someone we all know and loathe.

Much like the incompetent, but overconfident, villain in “The Princess Bride,” the Democrats have been caught lying more often than Bill Clinton at a plus-size models’ convention. Yet they continued on their mission to take control of Americans’ personal healthcare decisions. While some of their subterfuges have bordered on comedic — witness Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid attempt to deny remarks he just finished making — most have been more blatant. Even as the sands ran out of the hourglass on March 31 hourglass with hundreds of thousands — if not millions — of people lost in Obamacare’s glitch-riddled digital minefields, the Democrats proclaimed 7 million new “enrollees.”

Put aside the fact that, according to the Democrats, the 7 million “enrollees” include pretty much everyone who’s typed “” and then successfully hit “enter.” The new milestone accidentally made a liar out of House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. Granted, Pelosi was already a liar; but in claiming 7 million enrollees, the Obamacare pushers were cutting 2 million off the number Pelosi herself pushed just the day before.

Tuesday afternoon, Obama stood in the Rose Garden and declared: “The debate over repealing (Obamacare) is over.” Perhaps Obama forgot about the millions of cancellations he falsely promised wouldn’t happen. Maybe he remains unaware that the overwhelming majority of uninsured Americans remain so, despite his many assurances to the contrary. Perhaps he missed the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans have never, and likely will never, support his ham-fisted bureaucratic morass. To quote Vizzini: “Inconceivable!” To paraphrase Inigo Montoya: Hello. You killed my healthcare. Prepare to lose.

–Ben Crystal