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The World’s Funniest Joke?

June 11, 2010 by  

The World’s Funniest Joke?

To paraphrase a famous commercial, we deserve a break today. There’s been so much negative news, so much bleating and blaming about the problems we face, so much feigned outrage and false promises, that it’s enough to depress Mary Poppins.

So this week, let’s do something a little bit different. Let me tell you a joke. In fact, let me tell you three of them and you decide which one is the funniest. I’ll tell you in a moment what 1.5 million of your fellow humorists decided. And what one professor learned about humor around the world when he set out to discover what makes us laugh.

Ready? Here’s joke No. 1:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After finishing their dinner, they retire for the night. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see," the famed sleuth says.

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?" Holmes asks.

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are but a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot!" Sherlock exclaims, "Somebody’s stolen our tent!"

Okay, did that make you laugh out loud? Or at least crack a smile? If not, let’s see how you react to joke No. 2:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She turns to the man next to her and says, "That driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead. I’ll stay here and hold your monkey."

Mmmm, that one’s got a bite in its tail, doesn’t it? It’s interesting how often we find humor in a put-down. That must say something about human nature, but I’m not exactly sure what. It also says something about our cousins across the Atlantic, because the folks in the United Kingdom selected this as the funniest joke of all, out of a list of 40,000.

The first joke above led in the balloting for several weeks, but finally finished a very close second to this one:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There is silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

If you tell me this one had you rolling in the aisles, I’m going to worry about you, my friend. If the second joke had a bit of a barb, this one is downright nasty. Because someone misunderstood the emergency operator, he murdered his friend—and we’re supposed to find this hilarious?

The sad truth is an awful lot of people did. In worldwide voting, with 1.5 million ballots cast for 40,000 different jokes, this one came in No. 1. Do you find that as troubling as I do?

Some of the other conclusions on this study were equally strange. It all started when British professor Richard Wiseman, in cooperation with the British Association for the Advancement of Science, set out to learn what makes us laugh. He asked people to submit their favorite joke to a website he created called LaughLab.

The good professor later explained the results: “We asked everyone participating to tell us which country they were from. We analyzed the data from the 10 countries that rated the highest number of jokes. The following ‘league table’ lists the countries in the order of how funny they found the jokes: Germany, France, Denmark, UK, Australia, Ireland, Belgium, USA, New Zealand and Canada.”

At the time, the professor’s comments were widely misinterpreted in the media (now, there’s a surprise) as saying that Germans had the best sense of humor. Personally, I find that assertion funny.

I’ll grant you, the Germans have a better sense of humor than some of their colleagues on the continent—the Swiss, for example. But the funniest people of all? Not by a long shot.

Wiseman went on to say that his study revealed some fascinating differences between cultures in terms of the jokes people found funny. For example, he said that many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, liked jokes that were somewhat surreal. He gave this example:

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Did that crack you up? I thought not. Let’s try again. According to the good professor, Americans and Canadians much preferred gags where there was a sense of superiority—either because a person looked stupid, or was made to look stupid by another person. He used this example:

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay—where are you from, jackass?”

That’s better. I actually smiled at that one. Could that be because I’ve met so many jackasses from Harvard? (Which reminds of the one about the Harvard and Yale grads in the men’s bathroom…)

Wiseman found that many countries in Europe also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that often make us feel anxious such as death, illness and marriage. He gave this example:

A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter.’ But instead I said, ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.’”

Did that one crack you up? Me neither.

In closing, let me tell you what has had me laughing these days and then invite you to join in the fun. Use the comments section below to share a joke you’ve enjoyed, or to recommend a book, TV show or movie that’s brightened your day.

The most hilarious book I’ve read in a long time is the latest from Dave Barry. It’s got a title I can relate to—I’ll Mature When I’m Dead. It is filled with hilarious comments and side-splitting observations. One chapter alone—“A Letter to a First-Time-Father-to-Be”—is worth the sale price. Any older gentlemen in the audience should be sure to see his chapter about Dave getting his first colonoscopy. It is, appropriately enough, near the end of the book.

And speaking of hilarious books, I’ve got to mention my favorite funny crime author, Donald Westlake, who left this vale of tears last December. A three-time Edgar winner and Grand Master of the Mystery Writers of America, Westlake’s most famous creation is the hapless criminal, John Archibald Dortmunder. If you’ve never read anything featuring this sad-sack of a thief, start with the first book in the series, The Hot Rock. It will have you howling with laughter.

Topping the list of my favorite funny movies are two classics, “It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World” and Blake Edwards’ first masterpiece (with the greatest pie-throwing scene ever filmed), “The Great Race.” If you need cheering up, rent either one of these classics. If they don’t have you laughing out loud, better check your pulse. You may not be among the living.

Until next time, keep some powder dry—and a smile on your face.

—Chip Wood

Chip Wood

is the geopolitical editor of He is the founder of Soundview Publications, in Atlanta, where he was also the host of an award-winning radio talk show for many years. He was the publisher of several bestselling books, including Crisis Investing by Doug Casey, None Dare Call It Conspiracy by Gary Allen and Larry Abraham and The War on Gold by Anthony Sutton. Chip is well known on the investment conference circuit where he has served as Master of Ceremonies for FreedomFest, The New Orleans Investment Conference, Sovereign Society, and The Atlanta Investment Conference.

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  • Anthony

    Favourite Comedy Movie(s) and/or TV Series would be:
    History of the World, Part 1 (Mel Brooks), And, Now for something Completely Different (Monty Python), The Benny Hill Show, My Blue Heaven (Steve Martin), STRIPES, Red Skelton, Abbott & Costello, Bill Cosby, Tim Allen and (of course) RODNEY DANGERFIELD.

    Alright people … bring it on…. whatchya got?

    • MrMack

      I heard the first joke with the Lone Ranger & Tonto, but maybe that is politically uncorrect because Tonto is a NA?
      Anyway, I kicked a slat out of my cradle the first time I heard those three jokes. They are old and moldy.

      • JohntheMick

        Some guy asked me yesterday if I was an ignorant apathetic to which I replied “I don’t know, and don’t care”

    • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

      Love History of the world, actually pretty much anything by Mel Brooks.

  • Anthony
    • TIME

      Anthony, This is a classic!

      I saw this live years ago I was rolling on the floor in tears.

      Thanks I needed a good laugh.

      Anyone recall Richard Pryer’s act from the mid 70′s?

  • Kris

    Funniest movie to me is Used Cars with kurt Russell. First time I saw that movie, I actually laughed out loud. I rarely do that as there are not many movies or jokes that make me laugh.

    • http://LiberttyDigest Bruce D.

      Hoe about Jack Burton in “Big Trouble in Little China”?

      • JohntheMick

        Blazing saddles and Monty Python’s Holy Grail

        • Bob Wire

          Jack Nicholson has probably made me laugh harder and louder then anyone in the world. Dangerfield the most ! Those are the living ones, oops Rodney is dead! ~ man ~I hate that!

          But the have been so many monsters of comedy, Jacky Gleason , Art Carny, Phil Silvers, Uncle Milty, Carrol Bernett, even Sonny & Cher.

          Thanks for the laughs ~ Bob, that was fun. We need humor! as much today as ever.

          • Palin12

            “My wife is so fat when she stepped on the scale at the supermarket, the ticket came out and said ‘One at a time please’ ”
            – Rodney Dangerfield

          • Palin12

            “Not only that, she’s ugly too! You want to know how ugly? One time I thought I was petting her cat and turned out to be the hair on her legs”.

    • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

      That’s just to f#@&am high. Great movie. Kurt Russell is great in everything he does & is way underrated.

  • David

    I don’t have any ‘favorite joke’ but I do love almost all of Dave Barry’s books, Bill Cosby’s monologue called “Bill Cosby Himself” and the book, “God Bless You Mr. Rosewater” (I forget the author, but he went on to write, “Breakfast of Champions” and others. And I know I’ll remember it in a few minutes.)
    I’ll be reading a book from Dave Barry and just bust out laughing. My wife thinks I’m a wacko when I do that!!!

    • ceberw

      Kurt Vonnegut. RIP.

    • ceberw

      If you liked his work, you should try to get ‘Cat’s Cradle’. His best work in my opinion (his also, along with ‘Mother Night’, though I thought ‘Cat’s Cradle’ was better).

  • http://donthaveone Beberoni

    The funniest movie hands down, was Caddyshack. Whether you are a golfer or not, the one liners just kept coming, and the cast of characters was awesome.

    • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

      Hey you should get a bowl of soup with a hat like that. It looks good on you though. (eyes rolling) Rodney will be missed the guy was great.

  • Jimmy G

    What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common? Someones going to lose a trailer.

    The best joke I have heard lately ObamaCare. But its not funny.

    • Ms. Jones

      lol! In the same vein:

      Q: What makes a mobile home mobile?

      A: Tornados!

  • Barb

    One of my favorite jokes is this one: A dog limps into a saloon with a bandage on his foot. Goes up to the bartender and says,” I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!” I can’t remember who first told that joke but he was real dead pan in his delivery and was a riot. I think it was on the Johnny Carson tonight show. That was back when humor didn’t rely on shock or sex or put-downs like today. Red Skelton was classic , Tim conway on Carol Burnett Show, all of them on the Carol Burnett show actually, classic , Dean Martin, Bill Cosby. And the best comedy movie scene I think was Jimmy Durante kicking the bucket literally, I believe in Mad Mad World.

    • TIME

      Barb, How about when Tim Connway did Vicious Kinisus.

      • Ms. Jones

        Oh, yes! Carol Burnet & Friends for sure! Mrs. H-Wiggins (“I have pencils to sharpen”) and Mr. Tudball; “I’m ready for my closeups Mr. DeMille (parody of Sunset Blvd) and Carol, descending the steps at “Tara” wearing drapes–with the curtain rod sticking out–”Why, this ol’ thing? I saw it in the window and just HAD to have it!” When Harvey Korman and Tim Conway cracked each other up, they brought the audience with them.

        • Oh Please…

          OMG….I giggle just at the thought of those clips!! I used to love watching them all struggle to keep a straight face when one of the others ad-libbed. I also agree with the above thoughts about Johnny Carson, Red Skelton etc. Nobody today possesses that kind of talent which is why they HAVE to rely on swears, degradation etc.

          • American Citizen

            I’m with you, although Jeff Dunham’s “Achmed, the dead terrorist” is pretty funny.

        • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

          Carol Burnett with the curtain rods was hilarious.

        • Marilyn

          My favorite. Do you recall Tim Conway and the elephant skit. Not a person on the set could continue becasue of the laughter and Tim just kept adding more to his lines…the elephant’s trunk, etc. I miss that kind of humor!

          • Darren


    • Myron J. Poltroonian

      Years ago, on one of the late night shows (it could have been Carson’s) a tall, droll New York comedian said with a perfect deadpan delivery: “I’ve always wanted to go to Macys and send a Slinky down the up escalator”.

    • Dale

      Don’t forget – Red Skelton. The man was brilliant. People did not like him laughing at his jokes before he told them. He just knew how funny it would be and the audience was never disappointed!
      Not only was he a brilliant comedian, he was a musician, he directed orchestras, a good writer, and skilled mime (he could upstage Marcel Marceau a world known mime).
      He could work well with other comedians and personalities as well as alone.
      Comedy used to have a symbol – a smiling face/sad face. This was symbolic of contrast between the two extremes. Red could make you sad one minute and crack you up the next – he was a wonderful communicator. When he spoke of America and its positive attributes he could swell your heart to be thankful for the good. Then he could no something so crazy for the next skit that you would be in tears of laughter. Extraordinary!

      • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

        Red was from a time that unfortunately won’t be repeated. He was great.

      • Irene

        I so liked the Bob Hope jokes. Jokes today are so filthy it makes me feel dirty just to hear them. We seem to be at an all time sick society.

      • James

        You are right. Red was very funny and followed by Amos and Andy running a very close second. We don’t have that luxury no more, only filthy language. However some shows are still funny.

      • John

        Good night, and may God bless. Boy, I loved Red Skelton, he was the best.

      • John Despard

        My favorite quote by Red Skeleton, when asked his opinion of modern comedians shortly before his death went something like this: “I don’t feel I should spend good money to hear someone say what I can read for free on any public restroom wall.”

      • martx

        Red Skelton was one of the BEST! Always funny, never vulgar.
        I miss the old really funny guys!!

      • laura

        Just found this, wasted an hour of my day laughing my head off! My favs are Skelton, Hope & Crosby movies, and Don Knotts. Whats the difference between a harley and a hoover? The location of the dirtbag:)

      • William Villines

        So nice to hear someone talk about Red Skelton, he made my childhood a better place, he seemed to just know things that you know. He seemed to know pain and suffering of life , as well as joy so recieved it was like the first time you felt it. Thank you for bringing it up Dale, he was a lovely man.

        William V.

      • John R. Bloxson Jr

        I will agree with you 100% he also did it with out a lot of profanity and cheap sexual innuendo I grew up watching his show and always had a feeling he believed in this nation and people where has that gone today almost everyone that calls them selves comedians today use profanity and sexual innuendo to please a crowd that knows no restraint or self control. taught in our schools that we are just a higher order of animal instead of a member of the human race made in the Image of God. Human life is cheap todayand getting cheaper every day sadly we seem to want it that way.

      • James Allen n

        Red always ended each show “God bless” other wise all the rest is perfect

      • bob

        Dale, who could ever forget the “RED HEAD”?Who would ever WANT to?
        If he were valive Ican hear him as MS>West 9SUPERVISOR of the SMALL town of MILWAUKEE,”What state is MINNESOTA in?”

  • Fern

    My favorite author for humor is John Lescroart. The interaction between his two main characters, Glitsky and Hardy, is hilarious. For a funny movie, you cannot beat The Villain with Arnold Schwartzenegger (sp), Ann-Margaret and Kirk Douglas who plays a Wiley Coyote character. To see Ann-Margaret try to seduce Arnold who is totally clueless and Kirk Douglas trying the tricks Wiley did with the same results always makes me practically roll on the floor.

    • http://LiberttyDigest Bruce D.

      I going to see The Villain again. The only thing I can remember about it is a stagecoach and Arnold saying he has “a seven shot six shooter”.

    • Fred

      Absolutely funniest movie ever. No one has seen it! The Villain with his sidekick horse Whiskey (the smartest one in the whole movie) Paul Lynde as the Indian Chief…a riot. I still like A Christmas Story because I remember doing most of what Ralphy did when I was a kid including the picaunt after taste of Lifebuoy.

      • Oh Please…

        Paul Lynde is definately another classic comedian that cannot be replaced….he used to have me in tears!

  • Peter

    All Monty Python is hilarious. Steve Martin is the world’s most boring comedian. Jim Carrey is an idiot, not funny at all. But Billy Connoly is fabulous! Seinfeld is the world’s most un-funny, boring so-called comedy show ever in the history of TV. One fart joke would beat the entire seasons of Seinfeld combined for comedy. Abbot & Costello are truly great American comedians. Susquehanna hat company…fabulous! Who’s on first…fabulous! The Marx Brothers were absolutely stunning comedians and supremely talented. The writers of the Warner Bros cartoons are absolute geniuses. Modern animation is sooooo un-funny!

    • TIME

      How about some SPAM?

    • Alan

      There are few left who are truly funny. Classic slapstick leaves me in stiches and I loved some of the Donald Duck cartoons where he gets mad. The one where he is a light house keeper caused me to laugh so hard I got grounded form getting pizza when I saw it as a kid.

      I have to agree most of todays so-called humor leaves me less than tickled but what do we expect of todays products when we live in a disposable socity. After all dipers are disposable too.



  • Fern

    The very best books for adorable, innocent fun are the Pogo books, available on Amazon. The drawings of the characters are so cute that you almmost don’t need the dialogue but the combination of the two is priceless.

  • Carole

    My two favorite “funniest” movies are: “10″ with Bo Derek & Dudley
    Moore and “Captian Ron” with Kurt Russell. I have a couple of
    “funniest” jokes but they really aren’t printable.

    • http://LiberttyDigest Bruce D.

      I loved Captian Ron.

      • Save America Susie

        Yes, One of my husband & my favorites! Really funny!

      • Oh Please…

        Hehe…me too ~ hey, maybe I’ll watch it tonight!

      • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

        Captain Ron great movie. Slap Shot with Paul Newman has it’s monments

    • Carik

      “10″ also gets my vote as one of the funniest, I think I laughed until I cried. You need to be a certain age to truly understand and appreciate the what was going on in the guy’s mind.

  • Rhonda

    My husband recounts comedian’s jokes well; such as Benny Hinn, the comedian of one liners. One of my favorites, a wife telling her husband, “for our anniversary, I want to go someplace special, some place I’ve never been before.” He responds, “how about the kitchen?”

    • Rhonda

      whoops, Benny Youngman!

      • Mike Friend

        Actually you were right on with your freudian slip.
        Benny Hinn is every bit as great a comedian as any in the business.
        I quit listening to him and started watching cartoons instead…they aren’t nearly as funny…but they make more sense…!

      • John

        Benny Hinn, Benny Youngman…

        I can see the confusion… Just kidding with you…



        • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

          but seriously folks

    • Fred

      I believe you mean Benny HILL not Henn. Is not Benny Henn a TV evangelist? Benny Hill sure was not! I still love Tim Conway and Foster Brooks.

  • http://Q@A mary howland

    I thought the funniest movie that was funny all through the movie was stir crazy. I don:t go to movies anymore. too much of the same old thing. I too like d the watson joke. I have to admit i do chucle at jokes that are a bit gross. I think just knowing it;s a joke is why.

    • http://LiberttyDigest Bruce D.

      There is a movie called ‘The Unthinkable’. If you get a chance to see it you might like it. It is political in nature and very well done. Maybe the best movie I have ever seen but not a comedy. A lot of suspense.

  • http://??? joe momma

    it’s the dumb ones that hit me the hardest…….what do you call a cow with no legs……..ground beef……??

    • grumpy58

      cute very cute

    • Meteorlady

      What do you call a guy in a swimming pool with no arms and no legs?

      • Dagney

        What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs over a window?

        Curt and Rod

        What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door?


        What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a wall?


        What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a ditch?


        These are the only jokes I ever remember. Kids usually like them.

        • Valerie Joan

          The Dentist skit with Tim Conway and Harvey Korman makes me laugh out loud ecery time I see it. They were never crude, no cussing, a facial expression said it all.
          Some stand up comedians today have a non stop filthy act. On a cruise recently a very clever comedian at 7.00p.m. became XXX rated at 10.00…we walked out and complained to Holland America!! He was too good to sink so low!

  • Charles Kiser

    I agree with Kris – I have never seen a movie I thought was as funny as “Used Cars.” My second choice would be “American Grafitti.” (Notice both movies featured an Edsel and I’m a member of the International Edsel Club.)

  • Martin

    A pirate captain and his first mate sail the Caribbean. The lookout points and yells “Captain, there’s a cargo ship riding low off the port bow”. The captain smiles, turns to his first mate and says “bring me my red shirt”. After they attack and plunder all the booty the first mate turns to the captain and asks “Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we attack?” The captain replies “well matey, if I get stabbed during battle the shirt hides the blood. I don’ts want any of ya to worry about me but keep on fighting”. The mate nods. The next morning, the lookout points and yells down to the Captain, “Captain, the whole Spanish Armada’s off the starboard bow. The Captain turns to his mate and says “bring me my brown pants”.

    • Barb

      OK Martin, I chuckled over this one! I also forgot to say to Chip, thank you for this respite, it’s nice. Also none of the jokes were funny to me. The Sherlock one was OK but not really funny. Today’s humor is not funny. It’s a shame too.

    • Sean

      Now that’s funny!

    • Ms. Jones

      When I first heard this joke, it was describing military uniforms. The British wore redcoats, the French, brown pants. I also heard the camping joke with the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

    • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

      Great joke. Here’ one for you. A guy walks into a bar and sees two signs on the wall. One says cheese sandwich $2 the other says hand job $5. He calls the bar maid down and asks her are you the one who gives the hand jobs. She says why yes I am. He replies, well then wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich.

    • Alan

      Good ONE!

  • Richard

    I think you forgot the very last line for the third joke you listed…

    “OK Mr. Cheney…”

    • DaveH

      If you had ever gone bird hunting with friends, you would know that such an event is very possible. You absolutely have to know at all times where your friends are, and even then in the excitement of tracking a bird some people forget their co-hunters might be close by. My grandfather was blinded in one eye by a shotgun pellet in a similar situation.

  • Lynn

    I think you are taking the humor polls way too seriously. All of the jokes were funny, some better than others, depending on your sense of humor. The first funniest movie I remember was It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, then all of the Cheech & Chong movies, Animal House, Weekend At Bernies, Caddyshack (Beberoni:Thanks for reminding me), Stripes, Groundhog Day, 9to5, The Jerk, Down & Out in Beverly Hills, Wedding Crashers, Office Space, Raising Arizona and Old School. There are many more but I’m having a senior moment and crs!

    • kate8

      I didn’t find any of these offensive. Forget the PC – we laugh because we know they are JOKES, and no one really got hurt! Geez.
      I remember the days when we didn’t take everything so seriously, and all was in good, clean fun. Nothing gross.

      Some of my favorites were the old Airplane and Naked Gun movies.
      My brother-in-law had a million jokes, and kept us roaring at the dinner table.

      Thanks, Chip, for the uplifting reminder.

      • kate8

        Oh, and the Pink Panther movies, too.

  • Becky Gray

    Here’s my 6 year old grandson’s favorite (and mine):
    What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
    Do you smell carrots?
    This was a great break from the grim reality of most of the news. Thanks.

    • grumpy58

      give your grandson a thumbs up. sometimes we learn from our children how to laugh out loud.

  • AttilaTheHun

    Hmmmm … I found the joke about the hunters to be the funniest of the bunch.
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What should I do?”

    The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

    There is silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

    For me, the primary element of humor is that it takes you in an unexpected direction, and the farther from expected the better. The idea with any joke is to take the audience along a path to the point where they’re beginning to yawn and say “yeah, I know where you’re going”. Then, you hit them with a twist from left field.

    Of course, nobody in their right mind wants to see somebody shot (hunter joke). However, the jump from calling for help to shooting the guy to follow protocol is a huge change in direction, and consequently a candidate to be funny.

    • Oh Please…

      I agree with you 100%

      • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

        left,left,left,left,right it’s what makes it funny.

    • Joanne

      I guess some of us are unable to laugh at the idea of a man being shot to death (nothing personal here, just stating a fact).

      It would have been ‘somewhat’ sunny if it was the guys horse that seemed to be dead. In fact it would have been just as funny with out the whole ‘kill a person’ idea IMO.

  • Elizabeth Wright

    I liked Martin’s joke about the captain and his red shirt, changing to brown pants… I like surprise
    endings in jokes and of course the stupid jokes… never ones that are insulting.
    Thanks for this site… it made my day…
    Milton Berle said that he has worn his clothes for so long, they have come back in style three times…
    Keep up the good work, laughter is medicine…
    Blessings… Elizabeth W.

  • Eric

    I am going to date myself but, my favorite movie is from 1970 or 71 with Ryan Oneil and Barbara Striesand called “What’s up Doc?”

    • LocalYokel

      I’m with you Eric. Viewing “What’s Up Doc” was the last knee slapping media event in my memory. Maybe the rapid succession of events accompanied by hilarious facial expressions was what did it.
      But after reading “None Dare Call It Treason” by John Stormer and then following all the footnote references back into the real world it’s been more difficult to arouse even a snicker.
      Now a continuous stream of treasonous activity has me wondering if Stormer’s key title word will ever be openly used again and who will be the accuser and the accused with all the expanding possibilities.

    • Joanne

      ABSOLUTELY Eric!! In fact before reading these comments I posted the same movie. That movie was one of THE funniest of all time, so much silliness and plain old slap stick humor. The scene with the Dragon in China Town (that WAS

      • Joanne

        Hmmm….. I’ve got to be more careful with my keys…..

        I think it was in China Town, right? I’ve got to get that movie and HAVE it here to watch during troubled times like these. GREAT movie!!

  • Jim H.

    The Three Stooges. Nuk, Nuk, Nuk,Nuk Woob, woob, woob woob. They knew slap stick. Monty python and The Holy Grail. That one made me laugh the most.

  • Russell

    Q)Why didn’t Hitler drink vodka?

    A)Because it made him mean!

    Thats funny!

    If one wanted to modernize this joke substitute Helen Thomas.

    • Duende

      She probably did drink vodka and that’s what made her spill the beans. All the press corp as well as our politicians have been well trained by APAIC to never say a bad word about Israel. Any body know her email? I want to thanks her.

      Funniest Movie- Death at a Funeral.

      • Valerie Joan

        Now that is obscene….this is supposed to be funny and uplifting.

  • Bob

    When I was young the funniest things I ever heard or read was from Art Linkletter .They were called Kids say the darndest things. Well worth a trip to the library to find his books.

  • jopa

    I would have to say Red Skelton in his heyday Bill Cosby Himself.Monty Python was too corny and I always had a hard time trying to understand British accents.

  • Ed LaMance

    Interesting article, but I’m very surprised and disappointed in what you consider “funny” movies. It’s a Mad….World is barely OK, and The Great Race is one of the un-funniest movies of all time. What about Marx Brothers, Preston Sturges, W.C. Fields, Some Like It Hot, Network just to mention a few. Bob, you’ve got to get to the movies more often. Your taste gives Conservatives a bad name.

  • spoonerist

    My eye doctor had a great sense of humor. He always told jokes. But I finally stopped going to him because his jokes just kept getting cornea and cornea.

    • TIME

      I see – I see da plane Boss.



    • kate8

      Louise, I remember my mom loved The Golden Girls, and I thought it was kind of dumb. Now I love watching the reruns!

      • Oh Please…

        Ditto! I still laugh at re-runs I’ve seen time and time again before.

  • barb

    thank you the reprieve! :-) favorite funniest movies:TOY STORY Trilogy (tater tots!)

  • Ms. Jones

    Movies: Mel Brook’s “Silent Movie” and “Blazing Saddles”; Eddie Murphy’s “The Nutty Professor”, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel in “Overboard”. Garrison Keillor’s Lake Woebegon stories–especially the Lutheran pastors on the pontoon boat (“Help? Help?”) and the Edsel septic tank that inadvertently became a homecoming float make me laugh until I can barely breathe. Clean comics Mike Armstrong and James Gregory (both can be seen on YouTube) and again, Garrison Keillor. I saw Keillor’s one man show last year at Miami U and laughed for two hours straight. Well worth the ticket price!

    My favorite joke:

    Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change!

    • Maddie

      I loved Blazing Saddles and High Anxiety! Had me rolling on the floor!
      Saw both at the drive-in. Now that was l o n g ago.

      • Ms. Jones

        Maddie, I am blessed to live a half hour away from a drive-in theater. I can’t wait to see Toy Story 3 next weekend!

        • kate8

          I didn’t know there still were drive-in theaters.

          I haven’t seen one of them in eons.

          • Martaan

            We have a drive-in in our town..Two screens…One of these days we will take our grandchildren…if they show an appropriate movie.

    • TIME

      Eddie Murphy as Gumbie dammit.

      • Oh Please…

        LOL…let’s not forget “Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood”….!

  • del

    Here’s a Cajun joke for you. Why are there only 239 beans in a pot of soup? If you add one more they’d be too forty. A friend told my daughter this joke when she was little. Now every time we hear the number 240, it makes us laugh.

    • TIME


      I was 18 when I went to New Orleans and met a few Ca’jon’s at first I was unable to understand what they were saying, thus I recall this conversation and its been with me ever since.

      Me Hi, can you tell me where the best Gumbo can be found.

      Ca’jon, wella tel ya da bes gumbo be wat da wif mad she sa’ what don go – go ta da gumbo, so its gooooodeee.

      Then the follow up from me was was whats that mean?

      Ca’jon, ita poda be da way.

  • http://none Harriett

    True story,funniest i’ve heard. My 7 year old cousin Elaine was having a fight with her friend who lived next door. Her mother heard her calling her friend ‘Stupid!’ over and over again. Aunt Shirl told Elaine, “I don’t want to hear you call her stupid one more time today!’ Elaine paused, then said. ‘Okay, but I’m gonna call you stupid TOMORROW!’

    True story!

  • http://Yahoo Charles

    Return of the Pink Panther and High Anxiety. I loved Mamd, Mad World, but my wife does not like slap stick

  • kickthemout

    I have a good joke for people slithly risque. Email me at
    I like a joke that makes you laugh till you almost pass out. This one almost did.

  • MidnightDStroyer

    The first joke was an old one, but it did remind me of a different joke that was funnier to me…The similarity has to do with the “two guys hunting” routine.
    Two guys out in the woods hunting. Just as they were stopping to take a little break from walking, they decided to sit on the trunk of an old fallen tree. Just as one guy was bending over to sit down, a rattlesnake bites him in the “nether quarters.”

    His friend gets on the cell phone to call a doctor. After quickly explaining the situation, the doctor replies, First you need to sanitize a sharp object, like a pocket knife. Then you need to cut in a small line between the two marks of the snakebite. Then you need to suck out the poison, being careful to spit it out. Don’t swallow the poison.”

    The man hangs up the phone call, turns to his snake-bitten friend and says, “Sorry, old buddy. The doctor says you’re gonna die.”

    • Oh Please…

      Yep…I’ve heard that version too….lol.

  • Michael H. Llegrone

    One of my favorite movie that I think is very funny is Patton with George C. Scott. There is humor all through the movie. One part is when Patton gets the chaplain to write a prayer for good weather so they can have air support for a battle the next day. He is out in the snow reading this prayer and the next day it’s sunny and Patton says to, “Get that chaplain. I want to decorate him.” All Abbot & Costello movies I like. another good one is:
    YouTube – Wendy Bagwell, Ol’ Ralph Bennett’s Volkswagen

  • John

    One thing that I will almost always Laugh at is M*A*S*H… I have the complete series on DVD and I love the show… If its on some obscure Cable Channel, I will still turn it on and watch…

    I think there is merit to finding humor where there *should* be no humor. Living with an RN BSN WOCN Nurse has taught me that laughter is often a coping technique for a tragic situation. To those on the outside it is often seen as crude or rude, but it is usually not intended to be as such, but it is a means to cope with what they are experiencing so they can make it thorough the day. Police and Firefighters also have their own sense of humor of things, if they do not build that wall of protection I think many would go crazy… They share it internally with their peers, not to make fun, but to realize that there are some things that there is no control over and you need an outlet. Talking about the things with people who do not go through the same experiences do not necessarily make it better, as there is a disconnect.

    Until you walk a mile in a persons shoes, do not judge that person, you have no idea how good you have it, or Bad they may have it.


    • Oh Please…

      I’m a M*A*S*H lover too John….the endless pranks cracked me up. I particularly enjoyed the earlier episodes with Trapper as Hawkeye’s partner in crime!

    • Sandy

      I can relate to jokes that no one who is out of the loop will get. When our daughter was pregnant (unmarried) we were coming home from church on Christmas Eve, and I asked her if she saw the star. “What star” the one that’s following our car. We laughed so hard she had to pull over. My mother tho’t it was awful. And I asked her if she tho’t we should cry and wear black for 9 mos.

      Then last December when my Daddy was in the hospital (at 99), we decided with his help not to have surgery since there was only a 5% chance of him pulling thru. Then a little later he motioned me over and asked, “When’s the funeral?” I told him, “You have to die first old man.” and he laughed and 36 hours later we left us.

  • http://NONE REASON-1

    The funniest book,”Dennis the menace”. I laughed at every page.A Mexican friend borrowed it and only laughed once. Henny Youngman one liners deserves recognition.

    TV shows,” Just Shoot Me”,Married with children “,”That 70′s Show”,”The Red Skelton Show”, “Benny Hill”,and “Home Improvement”.

    Movies,”A funny thing happened on the way to the Forum”,” Mad,Mad world”,”Abbot and Costello join the Army”,and a Disney movie about a kid in the South with a rocket propelled soap box car that is no longer shown because of( [political correctness )although I don’t remember any racial dialog or epitaphs that could be considered offensive.

    Jokes,”The genie with a hearing impairment”,” The piano playing dog and the singing Frog”

  • David A

    What about Chevy Chase in Funny Farm? It is one of the funniest films ever that spoofs small town America and its “Characters”. Another very funny family movie that you can hardly find any more is Ole Hopnagles Haven of Bliss. This was probably the first family vacation comedy. It has the same characters and actors as A Christmas Story. Very funny.

    • Oh Please…

      For me Chevy Chase was best in “Christmas Vacation”….I never seem to fail to get a good laugh out of it.

  • Mary

    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

    Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back..

    The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies,but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? ”

    ‘No,’ the woman replied. ‘I’m with the Inland Revenue’.

    • C J Madden

      This is funny? Weird humor—I thought it offensive.

      • Oh Please…

        Well if you are over-focused on the woman holding the boys testicles than it probably is offensive….but the point of the joke is that the IRS can/will get money out of anyone/anyhow (it is an insult to them which is what makes it funny). If you’re hung up on it being a ‘boy’ she’s grabbing…substitute him for a husband that’s with his wife.

        • Rick Quill

          Couldn’t have said it better myself and I can’t help but be thankful that there IS a gal out there who shares the same kind of sense of humor that I do.

      • Sue Farris

        A man would find that offensive. A woman would not!
        That’s part of the humor problem… the battle of the sexes.

  • Sonny

    A Senator is driving his car in Washington D.C. and is involved in a car wreck which kills him. The next thing he knows he is standing in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says” We don’t get too many of your kind up here. We have a program just for politicians. You spend a day in Heaven and a day in Hell and then choose where you want to be. The Senator thought; this should be a no brainer. Then Saint Peter walks him over to an elevator and tells him; first you spend a day in Hell. The elevator goes down and the doors open on a beautiful golf course with a magnificent club house, all the friends who died before him come out,they have a huge party in his honor, he plays the best round of golf he’s ever had. Then Satan put his arm around his shoulder and say’s, time to go to Heaven. He goes up in the elevator and St. Peter gives him a white robe, he sees a few friends and everything is peaceful and serene.
    Saint Peter tells him that it time to choose; Heaven or Hell. The Senator chooses Hell. He goes down the elevator, the doors open to fire and brimstone, his friends are being flogged by Satan’s demons. The Senator ask what happened; Satan replies: Yesterday; we were campaigning; today you voted.

    • Save America Susie

      Sonny, Have heard this before a few years ago…That is my favorite political joke of all time! So true!

    • Oh Please…

      LMAO….now THAT is a good one!!!

    • Sue Farris

      The lawyer and CEO versions end with…
      Yesterday was recruitment day.

  • http://PersonalLibertyDigest Marlon Folden

    Funniest movie of all time – Mrs. Doubtfire
    Funniest sit-com of all time – Everybody loves Raymond
    Funniest impressionist – Jim Carrey (Ricky Ricardo & Ronald Reagan)
    Funniest standup – Jim Gaffagah (hot pocket)

  • mehoward

    My favorite is Abbott & Costello’s who’s on first. mehpensacola,fl.

    • Oh Please…

      I grew up watching them with my mom & LOVED them!!!

  • REM1875

    Denis the Menace- the movie with Walter Mathau I think I seriously injured myself with that movie. ‘Going South’ with Jack Nickleson was a great on too along with a lot of Mel Brooks stuff

  • Randy

    Eino & Toivo were out hitchhiking and no one was picking them up. Toivo tells Eino to wait in the local bar, and after he gets a ride to hitchhike by himself, and they’ll meet the next day.
    The next day Eino drives up in a brand new Ferrari. Toivo says: Where did you get that car? Eino says: Last night after you got a ride, I went out and hitchhiked. The most beatiful woman I have ever seen stopped to pick me up. She drove me out into the woods, took off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted…so I took the car!

  • Dale

    I thought the Holmes joke was funny, but got a twinge from the others.

    I agree with Mad Mad World, Caddy Shack “Who stepped on the duck”, History of the world part One “The earliest art critic”, “Its good to be the king” and “Count De-Mo’-nAy”, and would add Sid Cesar and his whole company (Imogene Coca, Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner etc), and I never laughed as hard as I did at Phil Silvers in “A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Forum”. I never thought Phil was particularly funny as Sgt Bilko, but in “Forum” he was incredible. Then Garrison Keillor and his whole stick (I swear as much the sound of his voice and his Minne-so’-ta accent as anything). Red Fox and Eddie Murphy, and John in the Blues Brothers, “Three whole fried chickens and a coke”…

    Gee the list goes on and on.

    • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

      History of the world is great one of my favorites. Nothing, Nothing for sale. Pluming, Pluming, pipe the sh*t right out of your house.

  • Ed. Sargent Sr

    without a doubt my favorite movie is “Father Goose” If you havent seen it by all means do so. another comes to mind is “Mr. Roberts”.

  • http://none oxygenman

    checking ERIC June 11 6:44 a.m. WHY would ANYONE want to “date themselves” ??

    • TIME

      OXM, An easy answer is, its cheeper that way!

  • http://none DEAN

    Checking ERIC June 11, 6:44 A>M>, I ask: Why would ANYONE want to
    “Date Themselves” ??

    • TIME

      Dean thats easy,

      You don’t need a pick up line as you know your easy!

      • Oh Please…

        LOL….good answer!



  • awcole

    All of the above were funny, the hunters joke the best.

    I’m a fan of blonde & lawyer jokes-

    One of my favorites:

    Two blondes were out walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks. “Those are bear tracks” the first one says. “No, they are wolf tracks” says the other.
    “Bear tracks”
    “Wolf Tracks!”
    “WOLF TRACKS!!!”

    They were still arguing when the train hit them.

    Blondes never get it.

    • Rick Quill

      just curious……were the blondes both lawyers?

    • Oh Please…

      Alright…I have to admit that I’m blonde and I even find that funny, lol.

      • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

        Whats blonde,brunette,blonde,brunete. A blonde doing cartwheels.

  • Randy

    True story: My brother and his wife lived next door to my mom and dad. One early morning my brother and his wife were having a heated argument, which brought my mom to their house to see what was going on. My brother, upset about my mom’s interference, tells my mom to just leave and let them fight in peace!

  • ceberw

    Monty Python and the Holy Grail, hands down!

  • awcole

    Jokes often require a build to a crescendo before the turn-

    The red shirt,brown pants joke above is a classic, but the middle half, which makes it MUCH funnier, is missing.

    • Ms. Jones

      Well, don’t leave us hanging! Say on . . .

  • http://??? G. Marshall Tip

    NOT a movie, comic or book.
    Received on e-mail: Lucy holding her dress up & out. Charlie Brown bent forward a little, says If thats really what it is lets hear it say MEOW !!!

  • Rick Quill

    The following was forwarded to me from a friend. It is a letter from a Marine’s wife who has lost her faith in our military.

    I sat, as did millions of Other Americans,
    And watched as the government under went a
    Peaceful transition of power a few months ago..
    At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism
    While Barack Obama took his Oath of Office.

    However, all that pride
    Quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines,
    In full dress uniform with rifles,
    Fire a 21-gun salute to the President.

    It was then that I realized how far
    America ‘s Military had deteriorated.

    Every damn one of them missed the bastard.

    • http://N/A Jerry Howarth

      Now that joke about the military 21 gun salute, tickled my funny bone.

    • Sue Farris

      LOL funny!

    • Valerie Joan

      Now that is funny!

  • Tea Party Tim

    The hunting joke would have been a lot funnier if it had been personallized a little bit. Perhaps Chaney hunting with Obama.

    • DaveH

      I guess that Conservatives can Hope and Dream too.

  • debra

    Funniest movie,The Gods Must Be Crazy

    • kate8

      Yes! debra, that’s one of my all time favorites.

      Another good one is Lucy and Desi in “The Long, Long, Long Trailer”.

  • Jeff Smathers

    A man recently lost his worth during a divorce in court.

    His wife and lawyer won on grounds that,
    ‘He failed to give his wife Good Wallet’……..

    From a book written by an airline captain.

  • Rick Quill

    Actually I came up with a thought one day that I eventually had made into a T-shirt. Herewith the background. I was going through a nasty divorce at the time and had just gone through the security gate at the base I was stationed at when a prairie dog ran out in front of my car so I locked up the brakes to avoid hitting it (in case anyone doesn’t know, hitting/killing wildlife on a federal installation is considered a federal offense). The prairie dog escaped unscathed but as I was proceeded on my way I thought to myself…

    “hah! Funny! I brake for vermin but the “ex” is fair game.”

    After I had that thought I laughed out loud and decided that would make a perfect T-shirt/bumper sticker, etc.

    • Oh Please…

      I bet it would sell like hotcakes!!

  • Monarchist

    After saving for a year a man buys a very glossy and expensive pair of Gucci shoes. He decides to go out dancing so he can show of his new shoes. He asks a woman to slow dance and while dancing he looks down and realizes he can see up her dress in his shiny new Gucci’s so he bets her a drink that he can guess the color of her underwear and lo and behold he does successfully. After several dances and drinks he asks a beautiful woman to share with him the last dance of the evening
    and bets her that he will be able to guess the color of her under garment while they dance. She laughs and says that’s a bet she can’t refuse! While dancing he looks down at his awesome new Gucci’s then looks up at the woman with a somewhat panicked look on his face. She says well…what color underwear am I wearing? He says…uhh..I think your wearing fur underwear!? She says owe me a drink pal because I’m not wearing any underwear at all! And he says..oh, thank God! I thought I had a crack in my Gucci’s! Ha, ha, ha!I still laugh at that joke after 25 years! Hope you did too.

  • paul b

    Funny is whatever tickles our individually scripted funnybones. Unfortunately, in recent decades, our funnybones have been considerably corrupted and compromised by linking laughter to below the belt bodily functions, condescension and berating, instantaneous gratification, aggression, feeling obligated to laugh at what the masses have decided is funny, and, of course, ye olde political correctness.

    • Ms. Jones

      That’s a fair point. I also think First Wives Club is rotf hilarious, but its theme is payback to husbands who leave their wives for younger women. Something’s Gotta Give with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton also comes to mind. Who can forget the Dancing Henry’s?

    • Oh Please…

      I couldn’t agree with you more & I actually think it’s sad that humor has seemed to degenerate so much. Don’t get me wrong…there are still funny comedians around that are skilled in delivering a quality joke, but there are just so many more that lack not only true skill but also any semblance of class.

    • Sheldon

      Paul B… I think you’re on to something. On average, you can tell how old someone is by what they think is great comedy (or great music). As we get older most people can’t relate to newer forms of humor or newer forms of music, so the “BEST EVER” tends to be from their younger years. Assuming Chip saw Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963), The Great Race (1965) around the age of 15, that would make him 60 to 62 years old, and judging by his picture I should be within 4-5 years either way.

  • andrew


  • JeffH

    Well, it had to happen and I’m the culprit but I found this quite funny.

    Barack Obama -vs- An Intelligent Little Girl

    Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”

    “Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.

    “OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

    Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

    To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”

    Barack Obama -vs- An Intelligent Little Girl was written by F&J Staff on Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

    • Oh Please…

      HA!! Good one!

    • TIME

      Jeff, Thats too bloody funny!

    • Valerie Joan


  • Rick Quill

    On a serious note the following was forwarded to me today and I decided to get this disseminated in a wide fashion. Please feel free to copy/paste and send the following to as many friends and fellow Americans as you can. This is NOT a joke. It is serious and needs to be disseminated as widely as possible so that those who are on the fence at the moment over where they stand in regards to Obama might have their eyes opened a bit. The following is a recent statement by Obama where he suggested taking away healthcare benefits for our soldiers and veterans and holding them responsible for paying for their own medical care to include care for wounds suffered while in combat:

    > “Look, it’s an all volunteer force,” Obama complained. “Nobody made
    these guys go to war. They had to have known and accepted the risks. Now they whine about bearing the costs of their choice? It doesn’t compute..” “I thought these were people who were proud to sacrifice for their country, “Obama continued “I wasn’t asking for blood, just money. With the country facing the worst financial crisis in its history, I’d have thought that the patriotic thing to do would be to try to help reduce the nation’s deficit. I guess I underestimated the selfishness of some of my fellow Americans.”

    • Carol

      According to Snopes, it was “mostly false”; see

      • Rick Quill

        Okay so I stand corrected…..sort of. It still points out that Obama entertained the notion and that is too disturbing to even fathom. The fact that this administration even entertained this notion shows just how much contempt Obama and his administration have for our military. On those grounds alone he should be impeached or tried for treason even.

        • DaveH

          It shows that he really doesn’t care about peoples’ health. He just wants control.

          • C J Madden

            Why does that surprise you? Obama said we are “under his rule.”

          • NIELS OLSEN

            nope, obama doesn’t want healthcare, just more money to spend. remember the new white house slogan, “never waste a crisis.”

        • kate8

          Depends on whether you trust Snopes. Snopes is just a couple who set themselves up as an “authority” on everything from their living room. They also are liberal Obots, and do all they can to cover for him.

          We Americans can be so easy. Someone claims to have all the answers, and we go, “Oh. Okay”. End of story.

          Now that’s a joke….on us!

      • Researcher

        Snopes is biased. I do not depend on them for anything remotely connected to any government.

        • Meteorlady

          Why do you think snopes is bias? Because of the email that went around? That was false if you look at some of the other ‘truth’ sites.

      • TIME

        Snopes is a waste of time I know two five year olds that have more commen sence than the snope couple who have ZERO backround in what they do.
        In the Intel Biz – snopes would be noted as a “Dissinformation” sight.

        Anything on snopes – be sure to triple check the facts, you may find it will not hold water for 3 out of 3 count.

        Just for the record, they have gotten even worse in the last three years.

      • Valerie Joan

        Snopes cannot be believed. Snopes is just a liberal couple out of California who sucked in most of USA.

    • Claire

      Rick Quill—I am no fan of Obama’s but I do not believe this. I will have to hear it with my own ears. I would say the same if this concerned Bush or whomever.

  • mehoward

    A wise man once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly, 100 days into Obama’s presidentcy Swine flu. Meh Pensacola,fl

  • chuck b

    the biggest joke of all: barry soetoro elected president of the united states.

    • Rick Quill

      Sorry but I have to disagree with you chuck b. Barry O is no joke. There is nothing funny about him or his agenda. He is nothing more than the biggest travesty to ever happen to a freedom and peace-loving people.

      • chuck b

        couldn’t agree more!!

  • mehoward

    Art Linkletter said kids say the darndest things. My eight year old son was watching tv he was really interested in seeing if the groundhog
    was going to see his shadow in a few minutes he came running down the hall saying mama,mama the groundhog saw his shadow we’re going to have six more weeks of daylight savings time. mehpensacola,fl

  • JC

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

    The driver, a man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

    “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

    He watches the guy select one of the animals and looks on amused as he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the Cowboy Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

    “You’re a Democratic Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

    “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

    “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy.

    “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a herd of sheep. . .

    Now give me back my dog.

    • DaveH

      Good one, JC.

    • Sheldon

      The actual punchline to that joke is “consultant”. It’s WAY funnier and it just makes more sense. Why would a politician show-up on a farm unannounced?? A consultant however certainly would and he would have all the fancy gadgets too. If you’ve ever worked with a consultant (particularly a radio consultant) you’d laugh until you cried at this joke.


    If you are thin skinned, self conscious or PC then stay away from humor….go lock you ethnic butt in a closet.

  • JCfromDC

    One of the funniest moives I ever saw was a farce called “Yellowbeard”, a satire on Pirate swashbucklers, starring the Monty Python group, Cheech & Chong, most of the “Young Frankenstein” cast (Madeline Kahn, Peter Boyle, Marty Feldman), James Mason, Susannah York, a few from “Blackadder” series, some other distinguished British actor/comedians, even a cameo of David Bowie! Now how weird could that be? Funny, stupid, ridiculous? You bet!
    Others would be “The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!”, any Peter Sellers as Clouseau romps, “Kelly’s Heroes” (how can you lose with Don Rickles, Donald Sutherland, Telly Savalas & Clint Eastwood?), and “Mars Attacks” (based on old ’60s bubble gum cards). All of these had all-star casts of “serious” actors and comedians acting silly.

    But I think the funniest stand-ups here are the Blue Collar gang, Tim Allen, Dave Chapplelle, and ventriloquist Jeff Dunham

  • JCfromDC

    One of the funniest moives I ever saw was a farce called “Yellowbeard”, a satire on Pirate swashbucklers, starring the Monty Python group, Cheech & Chong, most of the “Young Frankenstein” cast (Madeline Kahn, Peter Boyle, Marty Feldman), James Mason, Susannah York, a few from “Blackadder” series, some other distinguished British actor/comedians, even a cameo of David Bowie! Now how weird could that be? Funny, stupid, ridiculous? You bet!
    Others would be “The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!”, any Peter Sellers as Clouseau romps, “Kelly’s Heroes” (how can you lose with Don Rickles, Donald Sutherland, Telly Savalas & Clint Eastwood?), and “Mars Attacks” (based on old ’60s bubble gum cards). All of these had all-star casts of “serious” actors and comedians acting silly.

    But I think the funniest stand-ups here are the Blue Collar gang, Tim Allen, Dave Chapplelle, and ventriloquist Jeff Dunham

    • Barb

      JCfrom DC I forgot all about Jeff Dunham! He is good especially his dead terrorist, can’t remember his name but that routine is great! Thanks for the reminder, one of the younger set with a genuine sense of humor!

      • Oh Please…

        I am not sure of the spelling but it’s “Akmed, the dead terrorist” and I think Jeff D is a riot!!

  • Marcia Bracy Yiapan

    little kids (thank you, God), The Office, Parks and Recreation, Cheers, Frasier, Groundhog Day, Ghostbusters, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, The Mask, A Bug’s Life, Finding Nemo, the Botswana books of Alexander McCall Smith, David Lodge’s books, and those by Barbara Pym (all English–hmmm)

  • chuck b

    miranda rights

    A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female
    officer tells the man, “Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

    Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

    The drunk replies, “Tits.”

    • Oh Please…


  • Ahighlandmom

    Have someone read Patrick McManus aloud on your next road trip. He’s hilarious!

  • DaveH

    Johnny and Joey were best friends. Joey was being raised in an abusive household.
    One day in class, their sixth-grade teacher brought in some venison. She told the students “I am going to pass this around the class and see if you can tell me what kind of meat this is”. The bag of meat is passed around the class. The kids smell it, and taste it, and try to guess. It had gone about halfway around the class and nobody yet has guessed correctly. Johnny smells it, and the teacher says “Okay, I am going to give you a hint. It is something your mother greets your dad with when he gets home from work”. Johnny is just about to take a bite when Joey yells out exitedly “Drop it Johnny! It’s a__hole”.

  • hundabuxt

    chuck b

    You’re such a male chauvinist pig! I like it.

  • frank

    How about “No Time for Sargents” with Andy Griffits(sp)?

  • Sandy

    My wife’s grandmother was Polish and hated all Polish jokes except this one:

    The Italians and Poles were playing soccer over a dinner break. The score was zero to zero.

    The factory whistle blew, and the Poles went back to work.

    Twenty minutes later the Italians scored.

    • Researcher


    • Steve

      20 minutes? ha ha ha ha, NOW THAT’S FUNNY! :-)

  • Crystal

    Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

    To keep their nuts dry.

  • John


    One dawn morning the telephone rings….

    ‘Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.’

    ‘Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?’

    ‘Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead’

    ‘My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?’

    ‘Si, Senor, that’s the one.’

    ‘Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?’

    ‘From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.’

    ‘Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?’

    ‘Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.’

    ‘Dead horse? What dead horse?’

    ‘The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.’

    ‘My prize thoroughbred is dead?’

    ‘Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.’

    ‘Are you insane?? What water cart?’

    ‘The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.’

    ‘Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??’

    ‘The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.’

    ‘What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!’

    ‘Yes, Senor Rod.’

    ‘But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?’

    ‘For the funeral, Senor Rod.’


    ‘Your wife’s, Senor Rod’, she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor-made R580 XD golf club.’

    SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    LONG SILENCE . . . . . .

    ‘Ernesto, if you broke that damn driver, you’re in deep DO DO!’

  • Robert Pgh Pa

    something about mary couln not stop laughing

  • Glen Ethier

    After 30 years of doing standup at conventions, I found that a joke on yourself is always a winner, and this one topped all others for all 30 years. “I travel a lot, and I was just walking through this town on a hot afternoon, saw an attractive pub, stopped in and went right to the bar for a beer. I took a swig,looked around, and saw the place was filled with men. Well that wasn’t unusual, but most of them were sitting in couples (pause……) and a few of them holding hands (pause…….) Well, I mentioned this to the guy I was dancing with.

    Then I calmed them down with…”I was about as confused as a kid who dropped his chewing gum on the chicken house floor…….I mean, should I pick anything up or not.”

  • Randy

    Q: What do they call the black iron fence around graveyards in Cook County Illinois?
    A: A diabolical Republican plot to suppress the Democrat vote.

    • kate8

      Randy! That is priceless!

    • Researcher

      Agreed! Priceless!

    • Oh Please…



    The Funniest Joke Is Gibbs Telling The Truth Without Spinning Lester Kinsolving His Question Was About The Manchurian Pres Obamas SSN Of 042 A Conn Residents Number, Yikees. While Gibbs Changes The Subject To Birth Certificate (Short Form), Keep Spinning Gibbs What About The Real Birth Certificate (Long Form, Yikees Name Of Doctor, And Hospital,Etc, Yikees. How About Obamas SSN, Gibbs??

    • kate8

      Did you see the breaking news last night? Won’t get this on MSM.

      Another joke on us!

      • DaveH

        Obama may very well turn out to be the unwitting hero of our Freedom. Millions of people have now been awaken from their apathetic stupors as a result of Obama’s presidency. People that had no clue about the importance of the Constitution and the Governments constant abuse of it are starting to learn about the Constitution and our Founders like never before. Even an unexpected hero from a den of Liberals (Hollywood) has appeared. Janine Turner (Northern Exposure) with Co-Chair Cathy Gillespie has created a website ( whose goal is to educate the masses about the Constitution and the Framers’ intents about that Document as laid out in the Federalist Papers.
        Never before in my life have people become so active. Thirty years ago, almost all of my co-workers thought I was nuts when I told them that we needed to get off our butts soon or we were going to lose our Freedom.
        We are now at a crossroads where the Liberal world (through the United Nations) and many in our own country are working hard to take our Freedom away so that the relative handful of leaders can prosper at our expense. Without Obama, we would have arrived at the same destination, only it would have taken much longer (maybe 20-50 more years) and the leaders would have too much of the citizenry brainwashed to turn it around. Thanks to Obama, we may reverse that trend and start our kids on the road to the truth about Freedom that they aren’t learning in the Public Propaganda Schools.
        So, I say “Thank you Mr. Obama, or whoever you really are, for waking up the country to reality”.

        • NIELS OLSEN

          KUDOS. i thought the same.

  • howard

    This was sent as the best 1 this year & I agree!!

    A guy goes hunting. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting himself in the genitals.

    Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

    “Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

    “What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.

    “The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

    “Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

    Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

    • Steve

      Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha! :-)

  • Judi

    The outtakes at the end of Grumpy Old Men with Burgess Meredith & Jack Lemmon absolutely kill me!

    • Oh Please…

      Me too!

  • Dennis Wilcken

    I got a good laugh from a guy shooting his friend to be shore he was dead but it was a joke, but if I had heard it in the news it would not been good. understand?

  • Tea Party Tim

    Does anyone know what to call sky-diving Democrats?


  • anon

    A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

    After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

    “What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

    The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”


    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

    Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard–I’ll let you go.”

    The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

    “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.


    An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

    He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. A s he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — just never wanted to.’

    A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector, in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing.

    When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched
    as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered
    in the old man’s hands.

    The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’

    The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’

    There are two lessons for us all:
    1. Don’t waste ammunition.
    2. Don’t mess with old people.

    • Oh Please…

      LMAO at the state trooper joke!

    • Researcher

      I am forwarding these!

    • Researcher

      I am forwarding these to my friends!

    • Sheldon

      I love the first one and tell it often… thanks for the other two, I think they’re better than the first one. To paraphrase a line from Seinfeld “… gold Anon, pure gold!”

  • Mike Shannon

    An Irishman is late for the most important appointment of his life and he can not find a parking place. After driving around the block 4 times in vain he stops the car and looks up to heavan and says “Lord if you’ll just help me find a parking place I promise I’ll never lie, drink, or cheat again as long as I live” Low and behold right there in front of the office his appointment is at is a parking spot. The Irishman looks to heavean once more and says “Lord, nevermind, I found one.”

  • Mike Shannon

    I should learn to spell heaven.

  • Charlie

    My favorite joke is about a West Virginian who was broke and hungry so he knocked on a rich man’s door and asked if he had any work he could do. The rich man felt sorry for him so he said, “O.K. Here’s 5 gallons of paint and a brush. I’ll give you $50 to paint my porch.” That afternoon the West Virginian was done so he knocked on the door again to collect his money and said, “By the way, that’s not a Porch. It’s a Ferrari.”

    • http://PersonalLibertyDigest Pat from Wheeling, WV

      Why did the studio decide to cancel CSI: West Virginia? No dental records and all of the DNA was the same.

      During the Civil War, The West Virginians would throw hand grenades across the Ohio river, the buckeyes would pill the pins and throw them back.

  • lighterknot

    Number 1 was funny; the world is rich in humor, I loved “The Party” with Peter Sellers and “Mr. Hulot’s Holiday for belly laughs.
    The comic strip BC by Jonnie Heart and the Wizard of ID with Burt Parker are favorits; I loved this one. These two cave men with no TV Radio just the knight sky to contemplate – were sitting on this rock. It was BC and Thor; third frame BC ask Thor “Why are we sitting here wasting our time” Thor’s reply “I don’t know; want to move over there.”
    It’s been a long pursuit – are we happy?

  • Roy

    I enjoyed Douglas Adam’s “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” series.
    The banter is much like Monty Python and is a comment on English bureaucracy on which so much of America’s skillfully inept government is based.

    The books are great. The BBC TV series and BBC Radio series are excellent.
    The radio series is best when driving as you can use it as another distraction along with all of your communications and entertainment devices to keep you from actually paying any attention to driving your car.

    Don’t waste your time on the Hollywood version that had a screen play made from an abridged version of the Reader’s Digest short that was based totally on the synopsis on the back cover of the book.

    My favorite joke, which I have been told is racist by those who do not understand the meaning of the word and base their opinions on those provided to then by the TV News Media, is;

    A black man walked in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
    The bartender looks up and says “Wow, that is beautiful, where did you get that?!” and the Parrot replies “In Africa there are millions of them!”

  • chuck b

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show
    >in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through
    >his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her
    >chair and starts shouting “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
    >What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color
    >of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys
    >like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
    >community and from reaching our full potential as a person… because you
    >and your kind, continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only
    >blondes, but women in general. And all in the name of humor!”
    >The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You
    >stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little bastard on your lap” =======================================================================================================================

    • Steve

      Quite possibly one of the funniest blonde jokes I’ve ever heard Chuck. I’m sending it on to my sister who is blonde. She loves em.

  • cporter

    natl lampons vacation and christmas vacation still make me laugh
    after seeing them many times

  • CaliforniaMomma

    A Cowboy from Laramie, Wyoming walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
    He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
    The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
    Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Wyoming for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.
    Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Laramie, Wyoming.”
    “What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

    The good ‘ole Wyoming boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

    • Anthony

      Whether this is supposed to be a joke or not — IT IS how the Rich “stay rich”….

  • Anthony

    Great gabs from quite a few of you. Still, I figured someone would mention these Righteous Few —-

    Jackie Gleason (RIP)
    Robin Williams
    Sam Kinison (RIP)

    Robin Williams’ first two standup shows on DVD are just plain hilarious. But, like many with blind patriotism, Robin shuold stick to regular comedy and not invoke political opinion into his shows… that schtick never works.

    I agree, Richard Pryor led the way when it comes to his brand of humour – without him, Eddie Murphy would not have made it so big.

    Pryor: When you’re on fire, people will get out of your way!

  • James

    The one about the two hunters IS funny, if like me – you know people are not very smart! The one about the Alsatian gives you proof people are not smart, unless YOU are fluent in DOG LANGUAGE and work in a telegraph office.

  • Right Wing

    A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

    • Meteorlady

      Subtle but great!

  • Millicent

    I think one of the funniest movies I’ve seen lately (I still love the old movies too) is called “Switch” with Ellen Barkin..I taped it and still play it a lot when I need a good laugh.

    • Anthony

      Jack Nicholson – “Something’s Gotta Give”

      • chuck b

        i’ll go on that one, he is funny and not slapstick

  • Robert Pgh Pa

    something about mary could not stop laughing. i think they will never get that good again.

  • Suzan O. Farris


    A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race start?

    The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made.”

    Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

    The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

    The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said it developed from monkeys?”

    The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple.
    I told you about my side of the family and
    your father told you about his.”

  • Save America Susie

    Always loved Johnny Carson! Loved his skit with Jack Webb especially called:

    “The Copper Clappers”.

    Always makes me laugh….

    If it doesn’t work, type in the title.

    • http://personallibertydigest Ronald Davis

      Just watched copper clappers very funny

  • seldon ward

    Doctor to patient,”tests show that you have amnesia” Patient to doctor, “What? Again?”

  • seldon ward

    Another version: Man to doctor, “Help me Doc. I can’t remember anything. I must have amnesia” Doctor to man, “Tell me, do you have a history of amnesia?”

  • seldon ward

    This one is true. I was to have a physical exam by a female doctor. she told me to remove all my clothing. I said to the doctor, “I’m a little self-concious, could I keep on my hat?”

  • Researcher

    No one has mentioned George Carlin, RIP.
    His bit on farts in the “Toledo Windowbox” album is priceless.

    And then there is “Waiting for God”, a BBC classic TV series.
    Diana is my hero!

    • Meteorlady

      For standup comedy – George was the best. I really miss his humor and his unique outlook on life.

  • Rick Quill

    A man is incomplete until he gets married. Then he’s FINISHED!!

  • Save America Susie

    Just a few of my favorite COMEDY movies that made me laugh…Not in any particular order:

    1. City Slickers 1 & 2(1991 & 1994)
    2. Back to the Future Trilogy (1985 – 1990)
    3. Twins (1988)
    4. Great Outdoors (1988)
    5. Kindergarten Cop (1990)
    6. Mr. Destiny (1990)
    7. Cat Ballou (1965)
    8. Coming to America (1988)
    9. Big (1988)
    10. A Christmas Story (1983)
    11. Christmas Vacation (1989)
    12. Trading Places (1983)
    13. Crocodile Dundee 1 & 2 I (1986 & 1988)
    14. Ghost Busters 1 & 2 (1984 & 1989)
    15. Father of the Bride 1 & 2 (1991 & 1995)
    16. Muriel’s Wedding (1994)
    17. Grumpy Old Men (1993)
    18. Grumpier Old Men (1995)
    19. The Santa Clause (1994)etc.
    20. Forrest Gump (1994)
    21. Maverick (1994)
    22. Captain Ron (1992)
    23. Happy Gilmore (1996)
    24. True Lies (1994)
    25. My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)
    26. Men in Black (1997)
    27. Out to Sea (1997)
    29 There’s Something About Mary (1998)
    30. Blast from the Past (1999)
    31. Space Cowboys (2001)
    32. Legally Blonde (2001)
    33. Oh, Brother Where Art Thou? (2000)
    34. 50 First Dates (2004)
    35. Sideways (2004)
    36. Mall Cop (2009)
    37. Frisco Kid (1979)
    38. Caddy Shack (80)
    39. Gods Must be Crazy (80)
    40. Stripes (1981)
    41. Arthur (1981)
    42. American Graffiti (1973)
    43. Sleeper (1973)
    44. Ten (1979)
    45. What’s Up Doc (1972)
    46. Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966)
    47. The Graduate (1967)
    48. Mr. Blandings Builds his Dream House (1948)
    49. Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation (1962)
    50. 7 year Itch (1955)

    And so much more…

    • Paul

      Yes and While they Had you in their Moveis Laugfing at Their Anti god Puke and Condititoning You, They Were Stealing your Country out from under You, and Sending You to their Wars and Even Gave you Bob Hope and Glen miller to Take your Mind of of Their Murderios Agenda that is Now on Going,in the Middle East and The U.S., that Now has Given You A Black Forgin Aleian as Your President with no American Cetificate of Live Birth Whoo Hate You and This Country.and Answers to Rhamm Emanuel and David Axelrod agents for The United Nations
      They Even Convinced you to Take the Pill so you could Go to Work out side you Home and Give them 40% to Be a Prostitute For Our Pimp They had you Call UNCLE SAM.
      And If the Pill don’t Work Then Kill it
      If You want to Save America Then Repent and Sue Every One involved in The Federal Reserve Bank the Conspiracy to Start the Ist and Second World Jewish Wars, and All Their Five Medias, News Papers, T.V Propaganda,Movie Mind Conditionig propaganda To Comit murder fighting Their Communism They Start. .All Their Save the World and Envioment Wild LifeCommitees and Their Lobbys and Stop us From Drillng Wells on Our Land, so We Buy their AIPAC OPECK CONTROLLED OIL,from the Middlel East,Their Total Infiltration of and ownership of the Internets and News Publication and Magazines.

      • Curtis S

        Hahaha that IS funny! Good one!

  • Claire

    This is posted with no intent whatsoever to reflect any blasphemy towards God.

    A Dog Creation Theory

    1. On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
    2. On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
    3. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
    4. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
    5. On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
    6. On the fifth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
    7. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

    Two women who are dog owners are arguing over which dog is smarter:

    First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around, and then he brings the newspaper to me.
    Second woman: I know.
    First woman: How?
    Second woman: My dog told me.

    • Jim H.

      Hi Claire, Any one who has a dog knows what those jokes are about. My wife and I had a good laugh. Thanks.

      • Claire

        Jim H–I am glad you and your wife enjoyed the dog jokes. Have a great day.

  • http://PersonalLibertyDigest Pat from Wheeling, WV

    Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
    Usually she slept through the class.

    One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

    ‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’

    When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
    took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

    ‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.

    The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class..

    A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’

    But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber.
    Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

    ‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.

    And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep.

    The Nun asked her a third question…
    ‘What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’

    Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
    This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
    ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

    The nun fainted .

  • JC

    I got a nephew that I think a lot of and he works for the Shell Oil company. About 4 years ago they moved him down to Brazil and I ain’t seen him since.
    But he still thinks of me and Ma and every Christmas he sends us a present.
    This past Christmas he sent us a live bird about 2 feet tall with a yeller top notch on his head with some red in it and a hooked beak – sent it to us LIVE from South America.

    I’ll tell you something, that bird was delicious. Yes Sir!
    We had him for Christmas dinner, fixed him with sweet potatos, dressin and greens.

    After Christmas, my nephew called and wanted to know if we got the bird. I said we did.
    He wanted to know how we liked the bird.
    I said he was delicious.

    He said you don’t mean you ATE that bird.
    I said well of course we did.
    Well my nephew pitched a fit.
    He siad he paid a fortune for that bird and that it could speak 3 languages…

    I said well, “He should have said somthing” ;)

    • Claire

      JC — Good one!

  • Claire

    “Poshintong” — Korea’s dog meat soup. Arrrghh

  • Claire

    “A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my Golden Retreiver. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling ‘Hey, come back here with my breast!’”
    Linda Ellerbee

    I always appreciated Linda’s sense of humor, her character, and her rationality. I hope and pray they find a cure for breast cancer.

  • Claire

    “If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater….suggest that he wear a tail.” Fran Lebowitz

  • Claire

    “The other day I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One of them says to the other, ‘How do you like that? Pay toilets.’”
    Dave Starr

  • Jim H.

    Right after Nixon resigned he was on a plane with Jerry Ford, Henry Kissinger, a boyscout, and a priest. The pilot came back and said, the plane is going down, there are six of us and five parachutes, ones mine. He takes the chute and out the door he goes. Nixon says I would stay but I’m former President of the U.S. and I have knowledge pertaining to the security of the country. I have to be saved. He takes one of the chutes and goes out the door. Ford says I would stay, but I’m President and I have knowledge pertaining to the security of the U.S. so I have to be saved. He takes a chute and goes out the door. Kissinger says I’m the smartest man in the world, I must be saved and out he goes. The priest says to the scout, you’re young and have your whole life. I’ve lived a good long life, you go. The scout says, we can both go. The priest says, how? The scout says the smartest man in the world jumped with my backpack.

  • Claire

    Jim H–Very good.

  • Joanne

    No doubt I’ve watched, listened to, and seen a ton of hilarious things in my 62 years. But one of my very fave movies that ALWAYS gets me rolling on the floor is ‘What’s Up Doc’ with Barbara Streisand and Ryan O’Neil.

    I need to find it since with things in the U.S. the way they are now I could USE a good laugh!

  • Mary

    No on mentioned the Stephanie Plum mysteries by Janet Evonovich. Fifteen is the best, but each one has been truly worth every minute of reading. I don’t laugh out loud too often while reading a book, but these books are a true exception.

    • Meteorlady

      Yes yes yes – love LuLu….. and grandma

  • chuck b

    everyone forgot “laurel & hardy” in my opinion they were the best comedians of laugh along with my favorite red skelton. they were not vulgar nor did they ever use bad langusge and yet managed to keep everyone laughing (most everyone!) clean comedy.

  • Kenny

    George W. Bush was in a plane that crashed and burned and he was killed in the fire. When G.W. opened his eyes he realized that he was in heaven. St. Peter said “Welcome” G.W. said “Am I really in heaven”, Yes, replied St. Peter. Let me introduce to everyone. Hay Adam, this is George Bush, “Glad to see you here” Adam said. Then St. Peter called to Noah, Come and meet Mr. Bush. Then St. Peter called to Moses, Come here Moses, I want you to meet George Bush. Well George Bush was still smoldering from the fire and when Moses saw George Bush Moses ran as fast as he could. St. Peter ran after Moses and ask, What is the problem? Moses reply was, “The last time I spoke to a burning bush, I spent 40 years wondering in the desert”.

  • Rev. Doc RCMC

    Well, last week I was in a car accident, and then got into a fight with the guy I was in the accident with. You see, it was clearly my fault, as I hit him the the rear. Not real bad, just a tap to the bumper. I got out to assess the damage, and the driver of the car I hit rolls out of the drivers door, and strolls back to me at the rear of his car, and of course he is a midget. He looks up at me and says “I’m not happy.” Well I replied back, ” then which one are you then?” and that is when the fight started. .

    • Meteorlady

      I guess I’m truly American – that one made me really laugh.

  • Jim H.

    Police pull over a car for speeding. The officer says do you know the speed limit here? The driver says 71 miles per hour. The officer says, no that is the route sign, not the speed limit sign. You are on route 71. The officer notices the passenger in the car is shaking in fear. Why is your friend so nervous asks the officer? The driver says that must have been ROUTE 126, we just got off of.

  • lighterknot

    A CEO was off to a hunting trip in Africa on completing his immunization shots, the doctor strongly recommends one more; Strainhawaparimos after the doctor explains the symptoms of the disease the CEO declines saying he’d had those symptoms all his life; and besides he was sore from all the shots.

    On the safari at the last outpost of civilization he goes to a bar for refreshment. The bartender greets him and asks what he would like. The CEO says “a cool one but what’s with the poor fellow down at the other end” The bartender says “oh he just has Strainhawaparimos. CEO; “Well my doctor said it made your balls hang low and made you lazy” Bartender; Yeah, he’s standing on his and to damn lazy to get off of them.

  • http://GOGGLE vaksal


  • DaveH

    A woman went to the Doctor’s office. She told him that she had terrible gas. He asked if that was a source of embarassment to her. She said no, because when she released the gas it didn’t make noise or smell.
    After a lengthy examination, the doctor prescribed some drugs which she took for a week. When she returned he asked if her gas problem was cured. She said “No, but what did you do? I still have the gas, but now when I pass it, it is very loud”.
    The doctor responded “Okay, we have cured your hearing problem, now we have to work on your sense of smell”.

  • Claire

    There was this CEO and he had a very well-endowed secretary. He was becoming very enamored with her. One day he couldn’t stand it anymore so he asked his secretary to come into his office whereupon he tells her “I can’t take my eyes off your breasts, they are simply breathtaking, are they for real?” The secretary replied, “Oh, if that is all that is bothering you, I can take care of that!” She reached into the top of her blouse, pulled out a falsie and threw it in the trashcan, then pulled out the other one and threw it away too. The CEO was stunned, and then he grabs his false teeth, throws them in the trashcan and says “There, have at it, you’ve been wanting to bite those for a long time.”

  • chuck b

    A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet too.

    The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
    The man whispers, “Yes, it is.”
    Boy – “I have a baseball.”
    Man – “That’s nice.”
    Boy – “Want to buy it?”
    Man – “No, thanks.”
    Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
    Man – “OK, how much?”
    Boy – “$250.”

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover end up in the closet together.

    Boy – “It’s dark in here.”
    Man – “Yes, it is.”
    Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
    Man – Remembering last time, he asks, “How much?”
    Boy – “$750.”
    Man – “Fine.”

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your ball and glove. Let’s go outside and play catch.”

    The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

    The son says “$1,000.”

    The father says, “It’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That’s way more than those two things were worth. We’re going to church and you’re going to confess your sin.”

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy enter the confessional booth. The little boy closes the door.

    The Priest says, “Yes, my son?”

    The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”

    The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!” —————————————————————————————————————————

    • Meteorlady

      good one – I like that.

    • Paul

      I Find Your Accusations Offensive And Bigoted, You and The one Who Dreamed Up Your Vulgarity Must Be Anti American a Cryptic Jew who Allowed The Homos to Get in the Peiest Hood in the first place To Destroy Christs Church,and The Liberty We once had. Because of You and Them, as You are Helping Them Destroying this Free Christian union republic Nation.
      No American Should Appreciate YOUR Vulgar Slam ON any Church, and You Should Be reported For Obuse and Made to Apologise …
      IF IT was Not For Christianty This Nation and The Freedom you had would never have Happend and You are Adding and Abbedding in it’s Final Destruction You will Be added to a List of Sub humans list as Vomit Urein and Puss

      • Curtis S

        AAhhhhh hahaha. Stop it Paul! You’re killin’ me! And your spelling is funny too! hahaha.

      • Rob

        Why can’t Methodists have sex?

        It leads to Dancing! Paul- what God of your religion doesn’t want you to enjoy humor as a gift of the Spirit? Bad God, Bad God!

      • Kat

        This must have been written as joke. Wonderful attempt. You really made me laugh out loud. BTW, not all religious folks are this bad on English..

      • Martaan

        Geez…it’s a freekin’ joke. Maybe you should learn how to spell.

  • Meteorlady

    Monty Phython Holy Grail and The Jerk

    Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PMnews was coming on.. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
    The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
    Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
    The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a s wan dive off the building, falling to his death.
    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
    Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM News, and so I knew he would jump.”
    The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”
    Bob took the money.

  • chuck b

    the blondes sure take a beating with these jokes, but, they are funny.

  • chuck b

    the king of all comedy shows: johnny carson

  • Palin12

    A blonde lady gets pulled over for speeding in a fast red car. It turns out the cop is also a blonde lady. The cop asks the motorist for her driver’s license. The driver says “oh, what does it look like?” The cop tells her its square and has your picture on it. The driver fumbles around in her purse, finds a compact mirror, looks inside it, sees her reflection and hands it to the cop. The blonde cop looks in the mirror and says “oh I didn’t realize you’re a fellow officer. You’re dismissed.”

  • Traci

    Hey I thought the joke about the freudian slip was hysterical and I’m an American!

    I think The Office is the absolute funniest show ever on tv, even the re-runs are still funny.

    Also, the tall Jewish guy on the new Last Comic standing, funniest joke I’ve heard in a long time (I paraphrase)
    Everybody hates the Jews…not just the Muslims and my wife, everybody. They think we think we’re smarter and more educated and wiser than everyone else. We don’t think that. (shrugs) God does…

  • Steve

    What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
    What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other?

    At a recent Blonde Convention, 80,000 blondes pack the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium to capacity for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that
    blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”
    Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

    The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. “So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”

    The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets
    out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened, the blonde
    starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave
    their hands shouting, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

    The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?”

    The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually
    says, “Four?”

    Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…
    “Give Her Another Chance! Give Her Another Chance!”

  • Sheldon

    Two hikers meet on a solitary trail and begin walking together. After a while they approach a clearing and are spotted by a hungry grizzly bear. The grizzly starts running towards the hikers, and one of them calmly sits down and starts taking off his hiking boots.
    “What are you doing?” says the other hiker nervously, “that bear is coming straight for us!”
    “I’m putting on my running shoes” the other hiker replied.
    “What? Are you crazy? You’ll never out run a grizzly bear” said the first hiker.
    “I don’t have to out run the grizzly” said the second hiker, “I just have to out run you.”

    • Jim H.

      Sheldon, The way to tell the difference between a grizzly and a black bear is if one attacks climb a tree. If the bear climbs up after you it’s a black bear. If it just knocks the tree down to get you it’s a griz.

  • mehoward

    Thanks for the jokes some of them were really funny I read them to my husband and he got a good laugh too. MEHPENSACOLA,FL

  • Walt Ramsey

    I can see that all of you are youngsters. A while back we used to listen to records that had comedy routines on them. Two of the funniest were by Bob Newhart (a night watchman at the Empire State Building explaining to his boss over the phone that there is a giant gorilla climbing up the side of it) and Bill Cosby (telling the story of how he and his brother spread Jello all over the kitchen floor to prevent the “Chicken Heart that Ate Chicago” from getting them). If I am able to remember them after 50 years they must have been funny. Many of the films mentioned were excellent, but for my money the one with the best one-liners was Young Frankenstein.
    “Help me with the bags.”
    “You take the blonde and I’ll take the one with the turban.”
    “Nice knockers!”
    “Thank you.”

  • Rob

    I’m surprised no one named “Airplane”- there’s lots of inside humor there that may get lost. Of course Leslie Neilson is brilliant in the “Naked Gun” series too.

  • bedbug


  • john

    Two cannibals are sitting down eating a clown,one turns to the other and says dose this taste funny to you?

  • http://none Chaz

    I love Don Knotts on the Mayberry RFD and Andy Griffith shows as well as most of his movies, my favorite of which is The Reluctant Astronaut. Also the Wallace and Grommit series of animation using clay figures by Nick Parks are brilliant, clean family fun. The Canadian/PBS series Red Green also cracks me up.

    I’m over 50, but I’ve noticed that most teens and younger people don’t find these very funny at all. But they howl with laughter when some poor schmuck gets kick in the groin and grabs his crotch; and yet, they don’t seem to find the 3 Stooges very funny when somebody gets hit with a pie or when a lady in a fancy gown gets accidently doused with a bucket of water. In otherwords, it seems like the good old-fashioned clean stuff doesn’t seem to cut it anymore with most of the younger set; it has to include some sexual overtones or some act demeaning to males in order to be really funny.

  • Martaan

    Phyliss Diller once remarked that her oven was so dirty, she had to make one cupcake at a time.

  • Carol

    Bob Hope, Phyllis Diller, Bill Cosby, Don Knotts, Caro Burnett; Oh yes. Dangerfield was filthy. I won tickets to the premier of Caddyshack. It didn’t have the rating showing. I took my 8 year old son, and even he said we had to leave after 5 minutes. I just don’t see why obscenities have to be added to jokes that are funny. Of the three “Test jokes”, I found only the one about Holmes and Watson to be funny.

  • Nancy Hill

    I prefer humor that appears to be unplanned in the course of a conversation. I don’t watch today’s alleged comedy shows because without the laugh track it is hard to tell what is supposed to be funny. Shows made for family viewing mostly contain clean humor.
    You can find examples of conversational humor throughtout the writings on One of the jokes from there is as follows:

    Did you hear the story of the young boy who went to Grandma’s house the day before Easter? After getting hugs, Grandma asked how big of an Easter basket the boy expected the Easter Bunny to leave for him next morning.
    The boy replied in an exasperated tone, “Grandma, there’s no such thing as an Easter Bunny.”
    Grandma leaned back in shock. “Oh, my” she said. “You better not let the Easter Bunny hear you say that. Don’t you know what could happen if he does?”
    The boy was curious. “What would happen?” he asked.
    Grandma told him, “If the Easter Bunny hears someone say he isn’t real he gets real mad. Then, after he puts their Easter Basket in the living room, he leaves bunny poo in their shoe. It’s not a good idea to Poo-Off the Easter Bunny.”

  • Bob Dinegar

    I would like to SAVEthis EXCELLENT site.How?




    mommy, mommy, can we play daddy? mommy says, shut up and eat your dinner. you’ve already dug him up three times this week.


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