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The Same Old Story

April 11, 2013 by  

I took the liberty of rendering the dialogue fairly generic. After all, I wouldn’t want our anti-Bill of Rights readers to miss the point.

The Day After:
Criminals and the Washington Gun-Grab.

FADE IN

EXT. SECLUDED ALLEYWAY IN A LARGE CITY.
A young man (GANGBANGER) wearing ill-fitting clothing sidles up to an equally shoddily dressed individual (BLACK-MARKETEER). The second man leans against an open-trunked 1988 Buick LeSabre with after-market rims the size of manhole covers.

         GANGBANGER
Pardon me; but are you the fellow who operates a black-market gun shop out of his car?

         BLACK-MARKETEER
Indeed, I am. Given your attire and demeanor, I presume you wish to purchase a gun but are precluded from doing so either because you are legally prohibited from possessing firearms, are conducting an illegal straw purchase or simply do not wish to have your possession of a firearm noted by law enforcement. Of course, as a black-marketeer, I eschew any sort of legal restrictions in favor of facilitating criminal weapons purchases.

         GANGBANGER
As a criminal who routinely and deliberately breaks any laws I wish, I appreciate your services. Might you have any fully automatic weapons?

         BLACK-MARKETEER
I can accommodate your request. And you are clearly aware such a purchase constitutes a further violation of the law, since possession of fully automatic firearms without proper Federal approval has been illegal for many years. However, since we are both criminals, violating pre-existing weapons laws is entirely inconsequential to us.

         GANGBANGER
In fact, President Barack Obama and his accomplices’ attempts to further restrict the Bill of Rights benefit us both. By passing so-called “gun control” laws, they have not only rendered my potential victims even more vulnerable, they have also increased your sales. The war on the Bill of Rights very closely mirrors the disastrous Prohibition efforts of the early 20th century.

         BLACK-MARKETEER
It has been a pleasure doing illegal business with you, fellow criminal. I look forward to further interactions with you and the rest of the violent criminal element as we all continue to flout the laws that burden our law-abiding brethren in the name of state control over the people.

         GANGBANGER
Look what their ideological idols did to Russia: a murderous, behemoth government working hand in glove with a homicidal, monstrous criminal underworld. And the law-abiding citizens –helpless against those twin terrors –died by the tens of millions to benefit them both.

         BLACK-MARKETEER
“When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” It might be clichéd, but it is indubitably a fact. By the way, I need you to sign this Federal form for your background check before I sell you any firearms; it’s the law.

         GANGBANGER
I beg your pardon?

         BLACK-MARKETEER
Just kidding.

FADE OUT

–Ben Crystal

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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