The Liberty Test


With scandal, crime and death rocketing through the news cycle faster than President Barack Obama can double-talk his way through a foreign policy speech, I know keeping abreast of everything must seem positively Sisyphean. Between working to support the parasite class, working to support the political class and working to support yourselves, following the Democrats’ daily drumbeat of disgrace is probably more than you should be forced to handle.

Lucky for you, Personal Liberty Digest™ offers a handy primer to prepare you for the big, bad world in which you live. And today, I’m going to assess how much information you’ve retained. Think of this exercise as if it were Obamacare and as if I were the death panel (sorry: “independent payment advisory board”). The good news is that, unlike with Obamacare, you can survive flunking this one.

Put your textbooks on the floor and turn off the TV, kiddies. This won’t hurt much.

1: President Barack Obama is arming al-Qaida-linked “rebels” in Syria because:

  1. Nobody deserves to face chemical weapons attacks — except in Iraq.
  2. He’d give guns to the devil himself if he thought it would wipe that smirk off Russian President Vladimir Putin’s face.
  3. Who said anything about the “rebels” having links to al-Qaida (besides the rebels, that is)?
  4. The Mexican narcoterrorists who benefited from Operation Fast and Furious are all stocked up, and Attorney General Eric “Guns” Holder is worried the ammo will spoil.

2: Syrian President Bashar Assad has agreed in principle to:

  1. Hand over his chemical weapons arsenal to a multinational task force for cataloging and destruction.
  2. Hand over the chemical weapons he hasn’t successfully hidden to a multinational task force for cataloging and destruction.
  3. Do his best to avoid being killed by the chemical weapons the “rebels” may or may not possess.
  4. Do whatever Lord Putin commands.

3: In light of the Syrian debacle, the world holds the United States in slightly lower regard than:

  1. Vladimir Putin holds bad punk rock bands.
  2. Vladimir Putin holds free expression.
  3. Vladimir Putin holds Barack Obama.
  4. Pretty much everyone smarter than Chris “Final Jeopardy” Matthews holds Barack Obama.

4: Obama recently whined Republicans are “trying to mess with me” because:

  1. He thinks they hate poor people.
  2. He thinks they hate black people.
  3. He thinks they hate poor black people.
  4. They keep bogarting all the good choom, yo.

5: An increasing percentage of Congress is willing to stand up to Obama on Obamacare because:

  1. It makes the DMV look like a well-oiled machine.
  2. It is already causing costs to skyrocket higher than Michael Moore’s cholesterol.
  3. It will deliver the same high-quality healthcare one can expect in such socialist paradises as Bangladesh.
  4. They hate poor and/or black people.

6: If Congress fails to defund Obamacare, Americans will face:

  1. Rationing, crippling costs and death panels.
  2. Pain, suffering and bankruptcy.
  3. Doctors who went to medical school in Guadalajara, nurses who got their training by watching “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and administrators who are as warm and caring as Kermit Gosnell.
  4. The same high-quality healthcare one can expect in such socialist paradises as Bangladesh.

7: The recent massacre at the Washington Navy Yard was committed by:

  1. A deranged murderer named Aaron Alexis.
  2. Wayne LaPierre and the National Rifle Association.
  3. America’s gun fetish.
  4. An automatic AR-15 grenade-launching ICBM shotgun.

8: Violent crimes like the one committed by Aaron Alexis are caused by:

  1. The people who commit them.
  2. Wayne LaPierre and the National Rifle Association
  3. America’s gun fetish.
  4. Automatic AR-15 grenade-launching ICBM shotguns.

9: The biggest current threat to Americans is:

  1. “Gun violence.”
  2. Obamacare death panels.
  3. Syrian “rebels.”
  4. Automatic AR-15 grenade-launching ICBM shotguns.

10: The Democrats and their RINO accomplices are pushing amnesty for illegal aliens because:

  1. They consider political pandering and vote-buying more important than national security.
  2. There are some jobs Americans just won’t do.
  3. The hedges at Nancy Pelosi’s house ain’t gonna trim themselves.
  4. “Illegal alien?”  ¡QUE RACISTO!

I’d post the correct answers; but if you didn’t already know them, you’re in the wrong class. Remember, kids, that there are three types of people in the world: Those who recognize the greatest threat to liberty is a stupid citizenry, those who exploit stupid citizens to press their attack on liberty and those who worry about automatic AR-15 grenade-launching ICBM shotguns.

–Ben Crystal

Personal Liberty

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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  • independent thinker

    Excellent quiz Ben.

  • Alondra

    Q. #9 – The biggest current threat to Americans is:
    e) The Korrupt Kenyan Kriminal & his minions; DemoCraps & RINOs

    Q. #10 – The Democrats and their RINO accomplices are pushing amnesty for illegal aliens because:
    e) Ben, Vos es ¡RACISTA! (Please install a spellchecker for Español)

    Ben, you are RACIST. Do not you know that the word “i” is banned. Now it replaced by “undocumented” aliens.

    Tony Weiner 2016!

    • dan

      Weiner For Everyone….er ,maybe not

    • Robert Messmer

      Like “undocumented pharmacists” and “undocumented (sex) therapists”.

  • CWA

    Where can I buy an automatic AR-15 grenade-launching ICBM shotgun?

    • dan

      ….for huntin’ :)

    • Mike V99

      You get them in the same place that sells the shoulder thing that goes up, right next to the pistol grips that allow spray firing.

      • Robert Messmer

        If I get one with the side mounted flamethrower, can I still get the shoulder thing and the spray firing pistol grip?

    • JimH

      At the “gun show” that has that non-existent loop hole.;)
      I got mine with a side mounted flamethrower.

  • dan

    hehehe…Ben said sisyphean

    Double entendre for the day : SYRIA: iT’S ALL ABOUT THE GAS (pipeline)

  • Doc Sarvis

    Since Mr. Crystal did not offer choice “D. None of the above” all answers are false choices.

    • Robert Messmer

      NO all the questions have a choice “D”. What is missing is choice “E. All of the above.”

  • Mike V99

    Too funny. You keep this up Crystal, and Obama will have you arrested for committing comedy without a government permit.

  • mnkysnkle

    Watch out Ben. Miss Finklestein might re-define you as a patriot instead of a comedic journalist. If you can’t make a socialist laugh, you will lose your “comedic journalist” credentials.