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The Liberal List

January 29, 2014 by  

Last week, as the career of Texas State Senator Wendy Davis slammed into the bridge abutment of political reality, I couldn’t help but notice the liberal establishment racing to the scene of the accident. Despite the fact that she’d been caught lying like a Democrat testifying under oath, her supporters were unfazed. According to the left, Davis was a victim of evil conservative sexism. In much the same vein as countless other exposed liberal liars beforehand, the fact that Davis fabricated some pretty major chapters in her personal biography was immaterial to our Democratic friends. As I’ve said before (and will sadly be forced to say again), it’s not that Democrats lack principle; it’s just that politics is their principle. And Davis is hardly the only person the left has handed a free pass. Take a look at the left’s partisan pantheon. Then join me in asking: Who the hell are these people? Not every major leftist player is here. But each represents a large swath of the teeming horde beneath them. They’re not just typical; they’re archetypes.

Liberal VIP: Barack Obama

Actually, Barack Obama almost didn’t make the list. It’s not that I’m downplaying his ability to effect change for the worse; it’s just that Obama is actually fairly unremarkable. For all his self-important bloviating, Obama is nothing more than the latest actor to step into the starring role in one of humanity’s longest-running dramas: the tyranny of the few. Measured against the others who have held top billing, Obama is an understudy in the touring company. Even if his signature “accomplishment” hadn’t turned out to be the shuffling zombie of Obamacare, Obama is poised to go down in history as the most unpopular two-term President of all time. And that’s about all he’s got. Josef Stalin, Mao Zedong and Adolf Hitler killed far more people. The Islamofascists have more money. Former President Bill Clinton lied more convincingly. The Kims of North Korea have more interesting friends and are — reputedly — vastly superior golfers. Russian President Vladimir Putin looks less pathetic shirtless.

Liberal VIP: Hillary Clinton

After all the wild fantasies about a supposed “vast right-wing conspiracy,” there’s really only one lesson Hillary Clinton’s continued influence teaches us: In order to be classified as a “strong woman” by the soy latte set, you have to let the boys do all the heavy lifting.

Liberal VIP: Bill Clinton

While the rest of the liberal pantheon features the same smug, entitled twerps for whom skinny jeans and “hipster” glasses were invented, “Bubba” stands out like Rosie O’Donnell at a beauty pageant. Every time some smug, entitled twerp dressed in skinny jeans and hipster glasses bellows the “war on women” refrain, I think of Bill Clinton fixing the camera with a steely eye and steelier resolve and saying with all the conviction of a sociopath: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Liberal VIP: Jane Fonda

How Jane Fonda keeps resurfacing in the public consciousness mystifies me. A Hollywood princess grew into a marginally talented actress who looked good in small clothing. Rather than slink off into the twilight years of “Love Boat” guest shots and denture adhesive ads, she built a second career as a remorseless traitor. She shacked up with a couple of leisure-class twerps with obvious personality disorders and enough cash to keep her busy with exercise videos and political shrieking. One of them even let her name their kid after a homicidal terrorist. Fonda is really nothing more than Patty Hearst without the kidnapping. Like Hearst, Fonda’s a poor little rich girl who went off the rails. Unlike Hearst, Fonda willingly bought her ticket to crazy town. And now, first lady Michelle Obama, who wasn’t proud of her country for the first 44 years of her life, considers Little Lady Fonda to be an “engaged, politically savvy, sharp woman.”

Liberal VIP: George Soros

Say hello to the Emperor Palpatine of politics-as-Star Wars. This former-Nazi-collaborator-turned-billionaire puppet master is the Bilderbergs, the Rothschilds and the Kennedys with a side order of James Bond villain. Through fronts like the Open Society Institute, George Soros’ tendrils have wormed their way into the geopolitical strata like metastatic cancer with a revenge complex. The list of hate groups that cash Soros-signed checks is longer than his beneficiary Brett Kimberlin’s rap sheet. ThinkProgress,  Media Matters for America,  Common Cause. All propped up by Soros’ billions and all protected by the tax-exempt status conservative groups can’t sniff without an Internal Revenue Service investigation only slightly more invasive than the inmates at a Turkish prison.

Liberal VIP: Harry Reid

Don’t let his tendency to act like he’s House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s butler fool you. While Pelosi has been demoted by the electorate, Harry Reid remains the Senate Majority Leader — although his perch is getting wobbly. To stretch the Star Wars similes past their breaking point: If Soros is the Emperor, Reid is the spooky-looking demon-faced guy from the first prequel. He’s never going to be the biggest villain in the show, but he’s 100 percent dedicated to trying. Reid “heard” that Mitt Romney didn’t pay his income taxes. I “heard” that Reid is a bid-rigging corruptocrat who took money from disgraced politico Jack Abramoff. Unlike Reid, what I “heard” actually happened.

Liberal VIP: Nancy Pelosi

There’s a reason Nancy Pelosi is the former Speaker of the House. Americans were so appalled by her performance, especially the two abysmal years we endured under the three-headed monstrosity of Pelosi, Reid and Obama in the majority — we actually preferred current Speaker John Boehner. We have to pass it to see what’s in it. We passed it. We saw what’s in it. We like it almost as much as we like you, Mrs. Pelosi.

Liberal VIP: Al Gore

I’m glad this particular Big Tobacco scion found his way in this difficult world. Like so many of the left’s biggest heroes, Al Gore has spent most of his life dining with sterling flatware in the sorts of places where the liberal base isn’t allowed to use the service entrance. The same wooden demeanor that charmed Buddhist monks out of loads of cash beyond the control of legal authority has somehow propelled him into a Nobel, an Oscar and a place in the imaginary scientists’ hall of fame. But the ice- and snow-crusted death throes of so-called “global warming,” easily his defining contribution to history, might have sent lesser men into a tailspin of increasingly bizarre behavior. Under the right stress, he might even have taken to molesting massage therapists. I guess it’s a good thing Qatari oil barons had enough cash to push him out of his pretend news network and into a $500 million dollar retirement.

Liberal VIP: Phil Griffin

Think of Phil Griffin as the junior varsity Roger Ailes. Griffin didn’t invent the faux-journalism his MSNBC charges spew all over the screens, nor does he write the hate-filled invective that they proffer in place of actual news. But Griffin is the guy who continually brings in misogynistic lunatics like Alec Baldwin and Martin Bashir and knockoff hipsters like Rachel Maddow and that cake-eater who looks like a less masculine Maddow. Try to imagine the liberal response if Sean Hannity called a liberal woman a “mashed-up bag of meat” or a “slut.” What if Glenn Beck suggested someone should defecate in a woman’s mouth in response to her opinions or participated in a conspiracy that actually involved smearing feces on a teenaged girl? Now look at the “men” of MSNBC. Liberals love whining about Ailes’ success at FOX News. With guys like Griffin trying to replicate Ailes’ formula without Ailes’ eye for talent, they’d better keep on loving it.

Liberal VIP: Michael Moore

Guys like Michael Moore remind me that liberals set the bar for heroes very, very low. You have to admire his moxie, though. Of all the multimillionaire windbags who turned the so-called “Occupy” riots into marketing opportunities, Moore was easily the most well-fed. Of all the multimillionaires who have pocketed huge piles of money off shlockumentary films entitled “Capitalism: a Love Story,” Moore is… well, he’s the only one. I’m pretty sure he’s also the only multimillionaire who attended $4,000-per-week weight-loss clinics before crowing about the high quality of healthcare available to the tyrannized — and terrorized — people of Cuba. Of course, there are very few people of Moore’s considerable girth in Cuba. Obesity is as difficult to maintain in a starvation-ravaged dictatorship as freedom of expression is in the liberal idea of utopia.

Liberal VIP: Oprah

The great and powerful Oprah rules from atop her Chicago throne. And what an empire she surveys. From her humble beginnings showcasing renegade lesbian cannibals (or whatever), she became as ubiquitous as Coke, McDonald’s and Weight Watchers. Not only does the one-named wonder exert impressive political clout, she can create media sensations of pure will. Dr. Phil, Gayle King and the image of Michelle Obama as a champion of physical fitness are all products of Oprah’s clout. Of course, she has her limits. Hermes still exists, as does James Frey. Meanwhile, O at Home magazine no longer does.

Liberal VIP: Bill Maher

Hey, stand-up comedian: Do that thing where you call conservative women “c*nts” while complaining that conservatives hate woman. Yeah, that never gets old.

Honorable Mention: Al Sharpton, Etc.

Being black in America is tough. If you don’t believe me, ask one of these fine folks: Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, Sheila Jackson Lee, etc. They’re barely getting by. In fact, if it weren’t for the scheming of the white man, they might have to cut back on the love children, race-baiting and three-block limo rides. Egads!

Honorable Mention: Debbie Wasserman Schultz

I’m going to assume that Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s behavior stems directly from a reaction to that commercial-grade sludge she slathers all over her head. Every time I see Wasserman Schultz trying to explain away the latest crime perpetrated by the Democrats on the goodly folk of these United States, I can’t help but think: “And I thought Howard Dean was the crazy one.”

Honorable Mention: Joe Biden

The same backroom wire pullers who built an entire cult of personality for a previously unknown “community organizer” from the People’s Republic of Chicago actually settled on Neil Kinnock’s biggest fan as the best choice for a Presidential understudy. Sleep well with that knowledge.

Honorable Mention: (Insert Obnoxious Hollywood Ninny Here)

Actually, we should be glad Hollywood spends so much time pushing leftist causes. Take, for example, Harvey Weinstein who hopes to destroy the 2nd Amendment with a film starring Meryl Streep. And who in Hollywood isn’t green? Without “climate change” conferences, Obama fundraisers and anti-fracking rallies, we’d be subjected to so many more movies about climate change, Obama and fracking.

–Ben Crystal

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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