The Kentucky Derby
March 12, 2013 by Ben Crystal
Let me call time-out for a moment and address the liberals who skulk around the dark corners of our comments section. Hey, kids. Itâ€™s your pal, Ben. Since we have this moment together, I just wanted to offer my gratitude for your continued readership. If Iâ€™ve offered you half the entertainment youâ€™ve given me (and your remarks suggest I have), then youâ€™re — well — welcome. Now, I wonder if I might ask you for a teensy little favor in return for the daily slices of awesome we provide you free of charge here at the Personal Liberty Digestâ„˘: Please support Ashley Juddâ€™s prospective candidacy for the U.S. Senate from Kentucky.
Now, Iâ€™m not asking just for myself. Think of the endless material the second most attractive and third most talented of the Judd ladies will provide not only for me, but for all the pundits and commentators who need a few kickers to slip into their routines in between lines about President Barack Obamaâ€™s penchant for murdering Americans and Vice President Joe Bidenâ€™s penchant for mortifying them.
Judd is a multimillionaire Hollywood bubblehead whose lone political â€śaccomplishmentâ€ť is a graduate degree from the same university that boasts masters-level alumni like President George W. Bush, and we know how she probably feels about â€śW.â€ť Beyond that, sheâ€™s been in some marginally successful films — although generally opposite someone who possesses enough talent to make up for her wooden performance.
I donâ€™t just want to hear Judd tell the people of a State that produces the third most coal in the Nation and is home to the single most productive coalfield about her belief that coal mining is the equivalent of â€śrapeâ€ť and â€śthe era of coal plant is over, unacceptable.â€ť
I donâ€™t just want to hear Judd tell the people of a State that has seen a net growth in population during every decade since we sent King Georgeâ€™s boys packing about her belief that â€śitâ€™s unconscionable to breed.â€ť
I donâ€™t just want to hear Judd tell the people of a State in which nearly 40 percent of the residents self-identify as evangelical Christians that â€śâ€¦ Christianityâ€¦ gives us a God that is like a man, a God presented and discussed exclusively in male imagery, which legitimizes and seals male power. It is the intention to dominate, even if the intention to dominate is nowhere visible.â€ť
I donâ€™t just want to hear Judd tell the people of Kentucky that a harpy from Hollywood who vacations in Scotland and represented Tennessee as a delegate to the 2012 Democratic National Convention is the right person to speak for the Bluegrass State in the Senate.
And I donâ€™t just want to hear some bloviating Tinseltown super-liberal tell a State whose other Senator is Rand Paul — and which gave Republican milquetoast Mitt Romney a 23-point win over Obama in the most recent election — that sheâ€™s the best choice in 2014.
I donâ€™t even want to hear Judd campaigning with her â€ś2012 citizen heroâ€ť and fake Congressional witness and apparent sex addict Sandra Fluke among the aforementioned Kentuckians. Actually, I really, really do. I want to watch her turn herself — and the Democrats who will be forced to back her — inside out in an effort to sway the votes of people who positively despise her kind of arrogant, sanctimonious hypocrisy.
I want Judd to roll through the primaries uncontested so sheâ€™s well-rested for the general election. And then, I want her to run smack into the legitimate conservative who ousted Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell in the Republican primary. Sheâ€™ll lose by 25 points — maybe 15, if she agrees to do full-frontal nudity.