The Kentucky Derby

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Ashley Judd addresses U.N. on Human Trafficking in New York

Let me call time-out for a moment and address the liberals who skulk around the dark corners of our comments section. Hey, kids. It’s your pal, Ben. Since we have this moment together, I just wanted to offer my gratitude for your continued readership. If I’ve offered you half the entertainment you’ve given me (and your remarks suggest I have), then you’re — well — welcome. Now, I wonder if I might ask you for a teensy little favor in return for the daily slices of awesome we provide you free of charge here at the Personal Liberty Digest™: Please support Ashley Judd’s prospective candidacy for the U.S. Senate from Kentucky.

Now, I’m not asking just for myself. Think of the endless material the second most attractive and third most talented of the Judd ladies will provide not only for me, but for all the pundits and commentators who need a few kickers to slip into their routines in between lines about President Barack Obama’s penchant for murdering Americans and Vice President Joe Biden’s penchant for mortifying them.

Judd is a multimillionaire Hollywood bubblehead whose lone political “accomplishment” is a graduate degree from the same university that boasts masters-level alumni like President George W. Bush, and we know how she probably feels about “W.” Beyond that, she’s been in some marginally successful films — although generally opposite someone who possesses enough talent to make up for her wooden performance.

I don’t just want to hear Judd tell the people of a State that produces the third most coal in the Nation and is home to the single most productive coalfield about her belief that coal mining is the equivalent of “rape” and “the era of coal plant is over, unacceptable.”

I don’t just want to hear Judd tell the people of a State that has seen a net growth in population during every decade since we sent King George’s boys packing about her belief that “it’s unconscionable to breed.”

I don’t just want to hear Judd tell the people of a State in which nearly 40 percent of the residents self-identify as evangelical Christians that “… Christianity… gives us a God that is like a man, a God presented and discussed exclusively in male imagery, which legitimizes and seals male power. It is the intention to dominate, even if the intention to dominate is nowhere visible.”

I don’t just want to hear Judd tell the people of Kentucky that a harpy from Hollywood who vacations in Scotland and represented Tennessee as a delegate to the 2012 Democratic National Convention is the right person to speak for the Bluegrass State in the Senate.

And I don’t just want to hear some bloviating Tinseltown super-liberal tell a State whose other Senator is Rand Paul — and which gave Republican milquetoast Mitt Romney a 23-point win over Obama in the most recent election — that she’s the best choice in 2014.

I don’t even want to hear Judd campaigning with her “2012 citizen hero” and fake Congressional witness and apparent sex addict Sandra Fluke among the aforementioned Kentuckians. Actually, I really, really do. I want to watch her turn herself — and the Democrats who will be forced to back her — inside out in an effort to sway the votes of people who positively despise her kind of arrogant, sanctimonious hypocrisy.

I want Judd to roll through the primaries uncontested so she’s well-rested for the general election. And then, I want her to run smack into the legitimate conservative who ousted Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell in the Republican primary. She’ll lose by 25 points — maybe 15, if she agrees to do full-frontal nudity.

–Ben Crystal

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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