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The Keith To Our Hearts

April 24, 2012 by  

The Keith To Our Hearts
Keith Olbermann returned to TV on Sunday, joining the political roundtable on "This Week With George Stephanopoulos."

Pity poor Keith Olbermann. The defrocked high priest of liberal hatred has been left to wander the streets of Manhattan, staring blankly into the middle distance and muttering to himself about how life is so unfair when you’re the smartest man in the history of the species.

Despite a career that has run aground at virtually every outlet that has taken the gamble of hiring the famously high-strung hate-spewer, Olbermann has managed to pop up with the regularity of athlete’s foot in a high-school locker room.

He’s finished. Again. After his ignominious demotion from the liberal media’s varsity at MSNBC, Olbermann needed less than a year to wear out his welcome at Al Gore’s bizarre Current TV sideshow. Keep in mind, MSNBC kept Keith’s creepy mini-me, Rachel Maddow. Gore sent him packing, and Gore invented both the Internet and so-called “global warming.” Olbermann is indeed a man without a country.

Self-important, self-destructive and, above all, self-promoting, Olbermann materialized on ABC News’ babblefest “This Week With George Stephanopoulos” to field easy grounders from the ex-Bill Clinton Administration mascot and miniature human. Among the bons mots vomited up by the wild-eyed (and surprisingly rotund) Olbermann:

There has to be some connection between that being the least busy political moment of a president’s career, where you’re not going to — you’re not going to hurt them, you’re not going to harm him that way, and the price of gas. There has to be an almost deliberate or at least a side effect quality to that. There must be.

Olbermann claimed that some sort of sinister cabal of shadowy partisans has constructed one of the all-time great conspiracies in an effort to pry President Barack Obama’s claws from the Resolute desk. Considering Obama’s own complicity in the skyrocketing price of go-juice, it’s difficult to imagine how Olbermann’s unnamed schemers are managing such a nefarious plot. But facts never made much of a difference to Olbermann. And as long as he’s hanging out with liberal sock puppets like Stephanopolous, they don’t have much of a chance of gaining a foothold in his addled consciousness.

As is so often the case with self-martyred liberals, Olbermann believes he is the victim of a conspiracy that includes not just the many conservative targets of his unhinged rage. He also believes he is a victim of Gore. Consider Olbermann’s wrongful termination lawsuit against Gore and Current TV. The dark forces of anti-Olbermannia are everywhere.

What to do with a fellow like Olbermann? Someone needs to come up with a plan, lest he move into Ted Kaczynski’s old shack and begin working on recipes from the Moody Loner’s Cookbook and Improvised Munitions Manual. One friend of mine suggested sending Olbermann to Canada, but I pointed out that our neighbors to the North have done nothing to deserve such a cruel fate. Plus, sending Olbermann to Canada would depress the entire nation, subsequently threatening their excellent malted beverage industry. My friend then offered Olbermann as our first envoy to the stars — at which point I noted that prospective visitors from out there would certainly possess very advanced weaponry. Should Olbermann be thrust into the role of Ambassador for Humanity, the “visitors” would respond less like “ET” and more like those weird-looking cats from “Independence Day.”

Instead, let us all celebrate Olbermann. Laud his hatred of women who look like women, praise his distaste at having to speak to normal people with normal jobs (or abnormal, if you consider what driving Olbermann to work must entail) and cheer his prima donna prancing through studios from ESPN to Current TV and back. Olbermann is the literal face of the liberal-dominated corporate media. Take every moment you can to absorb what his brief time in the spotlight unleashed across television screens nationwide (albeit, not that many of them). Every red-faced, shrieking, possibly sociopathic talking hairdo out there is one of Olbermann’s children. And every single one of them will stand with the Democrats from here to November. Look at Olbermann. See the Democratic Party. It’s better to keep Olbermann where we can see him.

At the very least, as long as Olberman is on TV, someone else can finally use the bathroom.

–Ben Crystal

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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  • Vicki

    “Olbermann needed less than a year to wear out his welcome at Al Gore’s bizarre Current TV sideshow.”

    That’s cause Obermann, being the smartest man in the history of the species, was making Al, “I invented the Internet” Gore feel like No.2 and we know how Al hates that.

    • CJ

      Al’s using all that money he’s recently gained while sitting on the board at Apple Computer.

      • dawgbisquit

        Poor ole’ Keith! He sure is lookin’ a little long in the tooth these days!!! Ben, now you should give ‘em a little bit of a break and not gloat! When I used to be a hopelessly addicted sports fanatic, and kept my TV tuned into ESPN 24/7/365, I loved Keith Obermann’s sarcastic back-biting attacks on over-aggressive relief pichers and he always did have a nact for attacking and ridiculing atheletes for bone-headed, often slap-stick funny mistakes! LOL!!! Sports used to be my religion and Keith Obermann was a deep and welcome breath of fresh air! I thought he did a bang-up job and was never aware of, nor in those days did I even care about his liberal politics! Sports was my politics and religion!!!
        Then SOMETHING STRANGE happened! I can only describe it as being like when Dorothy fell asleep in the poppy field!!! When I awoke 20 yrs. later, I was in a TOTALLY different world! No longer with any time for sports and apathetic because of the new found attraction to the “thug” lifestyle of some of the stars, I found myself trying to figure out why I didn’t have time for anything but work, and what was happening to the country that I loved but suddenly reallized that I had always taken for granted, and one day standing in the electronics section of Wal-Mart, I heard this nasty, make the hair on the back of your neck stand up, shrill, contempt filled retoric spewing from this very smug lookin’, four-eyed, silver side-walled, talkin’ head, and said to myself OMG, That idiot is.. is.. it’s Obermann!!! How the world had changed between those two points in time!!! It’s almost like a nightmare! I’d bet that if Jenine Garafolo were straight, she’d be Keith’s type of girl! Hell, she might still be, if he even likes women! LOL!!!
        Obermann is just on the wrong side and I’m gonna start prayin for Keith, that God will open his eyes so he can use his talents for His cause, and wake up before someone walks by some homeless guy in NYC sittin’ there under a overpass in an old tattered trench coat, shiverin’ with a cardboard sign, wearin’ a pair of duct tape repaired glasses and realize OMG, that vagrant, it’s.. it’s.. it’s Obermann!!!


      You really are too radical left wing when even goofy Al Gore can no longer tolerate you!

    • dufas magnet

      Wouldn’t it piss you if those you controlled viewed you as a big pile of #2..?

  • cawmun cents

    Either Comedy Central will give him his ownn show,or Fox News should give him a job sitting across from Krauthammer and let Bret Baier make fun of both of them,On second thought they are already”fair and unbalanced”enough without adding Olbermann to the fray.
    Seriously though,who cares what this guy does from now till the Lord returns?As long as we can keep him away from schoolchildren,the world will be a better place….oh wow,I hope I didnt give ideas to the wretched folk down at PBS.

    Other than pretty people to look at,and comedy relief,what do news outlets have for us anyhow?They are just a sad parody of journalism these days anyway.
    Dont get me wrong,I love staring at former lawyers like Guilfoyle,and Kelly while they entrance me with story.But punditry has gone awry and postulation is rampant in the Fox brand,and every other brand might as well be Comedy Central if you know how far to the left they lean.
    If I wanted the Commisars own propaganda films,I couldnt ask for a better source.
    This is only eclipsed by the insidious advertisements for green energy,and pharmaceutical philanthropy of commercials in todays market.
    Is Al Gore running the media/academia outlets in entirety?
    America is definitely primed for the Cne Worlders to take control.
    Half the folks listen to lawyers(in this corner representing the Feudal Lords) bring the news,the other half listens to the comedians(in the other corner representing the Court Jesters) bring the news and both halves are slaves to the lets save the world theology of taking stronger and less effective drugs(the drunken whos who of the King’s court),while waiting for a new good feeling to happen.If that doesnt show a populace(thats you,the serfs) primed for whatever comes down the pike,I dont know what does.
    Now that the Magna Carte has been flushed by those who used it to wipe with,you are all in danger of a monarchy gone mad.
    Here we sit at the pinnacle of modern techological advances,and we still havent left the Dark Ages.
    The lawyers should run Comedy Central,the Comedians should run the media/academia outlets,Because lets face it,there is only hilarious parody occuring in the news today anyway.The Ivy League Academics Home for Disturbed Progressive Liberals(or what we used to call the White House)is enjoying their four year vacation from reality,and the world is headed for hell in a bucket…..but at least we’re enjoying the ride,right?

    • wendell

      CC, your off your rocker if you think Fox news is biased toward the left and olberman would fit in with them. Also, Krauthhamer is the most fair of all commentators when it come to telling it like it is and is the smartest. olberman is the foulest of all the lefty’s and even they don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. You need to get off that wacky weed and come back to earth.

      • cawmun cents

        Pardon me for considering that your chosen poison wont produce the effect it is meant to in you.But I dont think you fully comprehend just how demograqphically you are marginalized when it comes to information.
        I was a student of marketing in college.I got decent grades in the subject as well.
        For you to tell me that I am off my rocker means nothing to me.
        I take pride in your saying this to me.It validates what I believe.
        Thanks for the hate mail.Really.

      • TLC

        Right on, Wendall. Could not agree with you more. Fox & Friends does NOT lean left, on the contrary, actually. Check out the Five @ 5:00.

      • Lisa S

        You only reason you think Fox leans right is because the rest of the liberal media and the liberal colleges are so far left. Both are propaganda machines for the socialist. For instance the whole Trayvon Martin story, nbc admitted to editting the story against Zimmerman and now there is a picture of his head bloodied, the left is ready to have race wars without all the facts (as usual). Remember guilty till proven innecent? oh wait thats that what the left believes. Lets not forget all the scandals from the white house, (fast and furious, secret service,gsa), the list goes on and on but you likely don’t know that if you only watch the other networks.

      • oh oh

        Unfortunately, Fox leans RINO with progressive warfare RINOs, like Krauthammer. That’s why true conservative patriots like Napolitano are not tolerated. The predominant Fox bias is just one side of the coin some call the NWO.


      Obama will probably appoint him as Chairman of the FCC, or some other equally destructive position.

  • burt

    olbermann – look at the pants of people passing by…maybe some creases will give you a bigger jolt that the one you got from looking down the pants of FuBar Ack HO.
    Olb cannot see the facts, so he sees only the caca thrown at him.

  • Sirian

    Olbermann? That’s a name? Well, I’ll be. . . if that don’t take the cake. Oh well, had always thought they had an “Obituary” show on MSNBC. Seems to fit quite well now for Olbermann, doesn’t it? Good riddance for sure!!

  • Rob Illman

    you care about america and FREEDOM
    youtube Mike Hoggard
    youtube pastor Lawson


  • FreedomFighter

    Olbermann–manbearpig born on the animal farm-Orwell supervised his birth

    Laus Deo
    Semper Fi

  • 2WarAbnVet

    Perhaps he could obtain a spot on Oprah’s OWN network. The problem is that nobody would know.

  • Ernaldo T

    Keith needs to buy a big red nose and a ginger wig. He’s a natural Bozo….

  • Tom Cook

    Another Crystal gem! I like it–keep Olberman in the spotlight; he is the consummate liberal, shrieking and spinning like a wingless fly, entertainingly. A great metaphor: the talking hairdo, and I immediately have an image of old Wolf Blitzer the newage Cronkite, the great prevaricator.

  • Warrior

    I was watching georgie’s show Sunday when much much to my suprise, non other than olberclinger shows up. He actually behaved himself but that can’t last long. Too bad axelrodsky couldn’t make it.

    • jetstream

      Axelrod was busy spinning his web of deceit with David Gregory, who for once wasn’t buying it.

  • http://n/a AmFer

    I can’t help but wonder if George Steph., Rachel Maddow, Brian Williams, Ann Sawyer, etc. have not seen ‘their future’ with the firing and ostrasizing of Olbermann….When all is said and done, these ‘attacking liberal’ newscasters will be in the same boat – no one will touch them with a ten-foot pole. They have lost the integrity of true journalists!!

    • Norm

      Of course Rush and Sean are pillers of integrity and truth!

      • JUKEBOX

        No Norm, your idol Obama is the epitome of truth and veracity. Sorry if I used words you might have to look up.

      • Norm

        If you have nothing clever to say, you resort to nonsensical verbal attacks.

      • Gorba

        Well didn’t that just sound like the pot calling the kettle “black”

  • Norm

    Keith Olbermann is a politcal commentator with a net worth of $35 million. Keith Olbermann has earned his net worth as a sportscaster with ESPN, as co-host of SportsCenter and several sports programs, as well as his political commentaries and as a writer on baseball cards for the Sports Collector’s Digest. He was born in New York City, New York U.S.
    Keith Olbermann Salary
    Keith Olbermann’s salary at Current TV was $10 million per year.

    Laugh and deride if you will but the jokes on you.

    • John Stagg

      Sorry Norm but GOD has other plans for olberman!

      • Norm

        John Stagg
        What might those plans be?
        Didn’t God tell you?

      • oh oh

        He told all of us.

    • Jay

      So what are you trying to tell us Norm; that you are lusting after his overflowing wallet, or that you wish to emulate his underdeveloped character?

      • Norm

        Where there is a flock of sheep, there is someone to shear them.
        This is true on the left, right, and mostly in the “Christian Extremist” church.

    • http://Kilroy Fritz

      With that kind of money, that makes KO a 1%er! Has anybody informed the OWS crowd about this? Surely they know his address, and as a 1%er shouldn’t the OWSers protest at his front door? If they do, I might feel sorry for KO. (KO, BO, any relation?)

    • APN

      Actually Norm, the Joke is on foolish people that took the time to listen to this idiot. I watched the guy one time and turned the channel. Just don’t have time to listen to a hate filled fool. I guess now he is a RICH hate filled, GOD hating, America hating fool?? Sounds like he would be great company for a bigger fool like Al Gore, the WONDER and want-a-be “god” of the WORLD. Oh my! The sky is falling and the planet is about to explode into flames due to man made Jobal Waarmin! LMAO!!!

      Don’t you just love it, even and idiot like OB-1X and Al Gore can make Millions off the foolish progressive Marxists in this country. Pitiful little fools, almost child like. Must be the dope.


  • Maggie

    I think Fox should hire him. I agree he needs to be in public. Fox has their pet progressives that are actually fun to watch desinigrate on screen regularly. I think you could put Keith on camera 24 hours and get more votes for Romney than any amount of campaign funding could provide.

    • APN

      Well put and I concur completely! Keep these prgoressive fools spewing their hatred for OUR country. Best thing that could possibly happen. Most all of the highly intelligent progs are self-emploding and it is VERY entertaining to watch. Not only the PROGS in the news media but all the way the the WH. Silly little fools getting caught up in their own devices and their wicked web of deceipt. BEA-U-TI-MUS!!!

  • DHK

    He is truly one of the most obnoxious people to ever be thrown into the face of the American public. His level of personal animus toward those who do not agree with him is unparalleled. Moreover, his arrogance knows no limit. So happy he is gone. I hope he never comes back.

  • slapjack

    Why do we continue to waste any space whatsoever on this total LOOSER. I think it is a waste of time and if the truth was known even his mother hates his guts.

  • Ed

    Poor Keith, don’t we all feel sorry for his fate? Walking the street aimlessly seeking someone to love, doesn’t media matters or have an open spot for him? Why doesn’t he join the good people at occupy wall street?


      He is wandering the streets in search of a mirror, so he can admire he one he loves the most.

  • Al

    Olberman now there is a real liberal supper hero they must be proud of the two big Os
    One Big Ass Mistake America=OBAMA or Ol liberal man could they be brothers?

  • Wildey

    As long as Olbermann brings in good arbitron ratings you’ll see his face on your TV. Arbitron ratings translates to bucks for advertising dollars. Aside from the arm being put on stations by the, not our, government arbitron ratings are all that count.


      His Arbitron ratings are too expensive on a per viewer basis for the wealthiest network.

  • Daveh234

    Olberman, Limbaugh, Beck are all far leaning zealots spewing comments at their supposed “opposition”. Not journalists, far from it. Although Olberman does have more education behind his leanings they all are full of spite for their opposite leaning targets.
    I avoid input from people like this.

    • Centerfielder

      Well said, Dave. I consider Olbermann “the Limbaugh of the Left.”

    • Steve

      Hum, more educated huh? That says a lot in and of its self.

      • APN

        LMAO!!!! Yep, he is an educated idiot!!! It seems he has a lot of company in Washington! LMAO!!!!!!!!

  • A Thinker (@athinkr)

    If anyone needs more proof of the manipulative and canned nature of American pop media, this picture is it. The networks must have done studies and found that the white hair, black nerd glasses, big face look appeals to and is seen as “authoritative” by American viewers. Which is why Olbermann looks like another Glenn Beck.

    I don’t pay much attention to American pop media, which is too heavily manipulated and controlled. Foreign news services are more objective and reliable.

    • APN

      Really??? Which one’s??? Russa, China, Cuba, middle east, socialist Europe??


      Beam me up!

  • carrobin

    This article reminds me of when I first started working in magazine publishing, and one of the writers came in complaining to my boss that she had to write 200 words on Jackie Onassis breaking the heel off her shoe.

  • wILLIAM 1


  • Dens

    A series of very loud laughs interspersed with the words”you betcha” by a pleasant female voice is heard comming from Wasilla, Alaska every time Olbermann gets canned. No one in the “news media” has mentioned this delightful phenomena.

    • jopa

      Rumor has it that Mitt will not pull a bonehead stunt like McCain and pick Sarah for VP.He is going with the wicked witch of the East, Christine O’Donnell He has had enough of the western witchcraft lady.

  • Daveh234

    Every time Palin opens her mouth I laugh, too.

  • s c

    Oprah, Rosie, K O and Franken. Is there a common factor at work here? Only Franken ‘survived,’ and that’s because he climbed into the septic tank of politics.

  • Maryland Freestater

    “At the very least, as long as Olberman is on TV, someone else can finally use the bathroom.”

    I’d be afraid of him reaching up from the toilet and grabbing my ass! Scatological point here: A friend of mine called Obie a douchebag and I corrected him – more like an enema expulsion. Perhaps Obie could get a med degree and become a colonoscopist.

    DRIP, Schmuck!

  • Dad

    he is no more obnoxious than the other libs… must be a conspiracy!

  • Wyatt

    Olberman , Gore and all those in the Liberal left need a hycolonic and a hike through the strees of Manhatten , with all the bathrooms locked !

  • Marilyn

    I am so sorry Olberman, that the world has failed to recognize your genius; however, I am sure that NBC will take you on – you would fit in there perfectly.

  • charleshgarrido

    Hello! 4/24/12
    Mr.Ben Criystal: “Column” in Liberty! excellent point! Thanks.
    Next .OH! please write a column for that other Mr.”Cris Matthews (Blond) can be possible? those ” executives NBC/or GE…. to tell the truth….is impossible they can’t “FIRED” this Fellow! . i have to look and hear every time..because I need to know… Sooo!!! ignorant ..I’ll betcha he reads only in the “The Readers Digest”.-
    For Heaven Sake! what about columnist “NYT” Mr. Krugman, or Mr. Willians NBC (reading lines).or Mr. Geo. Stephanopoulos. Who../?
    What’s happening any news..? from La “Prima Donna” Diva Lady Couric ? .
    Thanks Ben, !!!!!Charlie G.
    Miami Fla.-

  • NObama2012

    I never saw why anyone tuned in to the LibLoon anyway. He wasn’t even a good sports commentator.


    Yep Olderwomann is done, stick a fork in him. wandering the streets of New York with his Gold plated shopping cart, pimped out with white sidewalls and Custom paint. He even has Sat TV that only shows channels that haven’t layed him off yet (none) maybe he could go back to Sports-casting? he could have that stupid creepy organ music playing and do segment called “The Ten Worst Players of the Week” he could even do the sprts cast from a gold plated bath tub to make him more comfortable. Go Keith! more more more keep going further till I tell you to stop….

  • AppraisHer

    Put Olberman on with Bill Maher. Two pathetic, hate-filled losers, one not funny and the other not sane, babbling their own brand of crap to the shrinking liberal masses, while lost in the ether of 600 chanel cable.

    • rolf e. niebergall

      AppraisHer, no one will listen to you. at least Bill Maher ,Olberman and so on they have people who listen to them. for you liberal is a dirty word but do you know where it comes from? I guess, you did not have to much of an education otherwise you would not use the words you use! Olberman and Maher are losers? I never heard about you!

  • Kevin Beck

    What species is he the smartest member of? Homo defectus?

  • http://utube frances douthit

    keith olbermann is a very good guy i wish he would come back he is very well loved i miss him


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