The Keith To Our Hearts

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Pity poor Keith Olbermann. The defrocked high priest of liberal hatred has been left to wander the streets of Manhattan, staring blankly into the middle distance and muttering to himself about how life is so unfair when you’re the smartest man in the history of the species.

Despite a career that has run aground at virtually every outlet that has taken the gamble of hiring the famously high-strung hate-spewer, Olbermann has managed to pop up with the regularity of athlete’s foot in a high-school locker room.

He’s finished. Again. After his ignominious demotion from the liberal media’s varsity at MSNBC, Olbermann needed less than a year to wear out his welcome at Al Gore’s bizarre Current TV sideshow. Keep in mind, MSNBC kept Keith’s creepy mini-me, Rachel Maddow. Gore sent him packing, and Gore invented both the Internet and so-called “global warming.” Olbermann is indeed a man without a country.

Self-important, self-destructive and, above all, self-promoting, Olbermann materialized on ABC News’ babblefest “This Week With George Stephanopoulos” to field easy grounders from the ex-Bill Clinton Administration mascot and miniature human. Among the bons mots vomited up by the wild-eyed (and surprisingly rotund) Olbermann:

There has to be some connection between that being the least busy political moment of a president’s career, where you’re not going to — you’re not going to hurt them, you’re not going to harm him that way, and the price of gas. There has to be an almost deliberate or at least a side effect quality to that. There must be.

Olbermann claimed that some sort of sinister cabal of shadowy partisans has constructed one of the all-time great conspiracies in an effort to pry President Barack Obama’s claws from the Resolute desk. Considering Obama’s own complicity in the skyrocketing price of go-juice, it’s difficult to imagine how Olbermann’s unnamed schemers are managing such a nefarious plot. But facts never made much of a difference to Olbermann. And as long as he’s hanging out with liberal sock puppets like Stephanopolous, they don’t have much of a chance of gaining a foothold in his addled consciousness.

As is so often the case with self-martyred liberals, Olbermann believes he is the victim of a conspiracy that includes not just the many conservative targets of his unhinged rage. He also believes he is a victim of Gore. Consider Olbermann’s wrongful termination lawsuit against Gore and Current TV. The dark forces of anti-Olbermannia are everywhere.

What to do with a fellow like Olbermann? Someone needs to come up with a plan, lest he move into Ted Kaczynski’s old shack and begin working on recipes from the Moody Loner’s Cookbook and Improvised Munitions Manual. One friend of mine suggested sending Olbermann to Canada, but I pointed out that our neighbors to the North have done nothing to deserve such a cruel fate. Plus, sending Olbermann to Canada would depress the entire nation, subsequently threatening their excellent malted beverage industry. My friend then offered Olbermann as our first envoy to the stars — at which point I noted that prospective visitors from out there would certainly possess very advanced weaponry. Should Olbermann be thrust into the role of Ambassador for Humanity, the “visitors” would respond less like “ET” and more like those weird-looking cats from “Independence Day.”

Instead, let us all celebrate Olbermann. Laud his hatred of women who look like women, praise his distaste at having to speak to normal people with normal jobs (or abnormal, if you consider what driving Olbermann to work must entail) and cheer his prima donna prancing through studios from ESPN to Current TV and back. Olbermann is the literal face of the liberal-dominated corporate media. Take every moment you can to absorb what his brief time in the spotlight unleashed across television screens nationwide (albeit, not that many of them). Every red-faced, shrieking, possibly sociopathic talking hairdo out there is one of Olbermann’s children. And every single one of them will stand with the Democrats from here to November. Look at Olbermann. See the Democratic Party. It’s better to keep Olbermann where we can see him.

At the very least, as long as Olberman is on TV, someone else can finally use the bathroom.

–Ben Crystal

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.