The Freaks Come Out In Charlotte


For a few moments, I thought I was watching a casting call for a Federico Fellini film. After all, who in his right mind could possibly think that putting hundreds of mentally unbalanced people in a room with hundreds of violent, racist and just plain stupid people would ever be a good idea? Indeed, the soft-underbelly types who are normally relegated to episodes of “The Maury Povich Show” are like members of the classics department at Cambridge University in comparison to the tinfoil-hat brigadiers marching across the screen.

Alas, what I was seeing was far more disturbing than any reality TV show episode could ever hope to be. And yet, it was far more real. The quadrennial Democratic National Convention is in full swing in Charlotte, N.C. Even the so-called “Occupy” vermin have escaped their parents’ basements, packed up their bongs and their brass knuckles, and headed for the heart of the Tar Heel State.

As I’m writing this, they’ve put their opening night in the books; but the carnival has only just started. Here’s a bright spot: Eva Longoria, who was previously important as a cast member on “Desperate Housewives,” is serving as one of Barack Obama’s campaign co-chairs. She isn’t particularly bright, but she’s cute enough to wipe that image of Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz out of your mind. Unfortunately, she’s the only eye candy among the usual collection of crooks, criminals and liars who make up the rest of the Democratic elite who will pound the rostrum in Charlotte.

Among them (presented in no particular order, because they all pretty much share a brain anyway):

Richard Trumka, Mary Kay Henry and Bob King: The top thugs at the violent Democratic “labor unions” — respectively, the AFL-CIO; the Service Employees International Union (SEIU); and International Union, United Automobile, Aerospace and Agricultural Implement Workers of America (UAW). They will presumably offer tips on beating the crap out of non-liberals without leaving noticeable marks. King will present fire safety tips for those poor rental car companies who are stuck with Chevy Volts.

Former President Jimmy Carter: The Bumpkin from Plains will appear via video address. I assume there will be too many Jews in the room for the famously anti-Semitic Carter. It’s also possible that he was barred from physical attendance for fear that older voters might focus on the remarkable similarities between Carter and Barry, his successor as “Worst President Ever.”

A goodly portion of the Congressional Black Caucus: Congressman John Lewis of Georgia will represent the Peach State. I trust there won’t be any “phantom spittle” incidents.

Massachusetts Senate Candidate Elizabeth Warren: That’s right, “Faux-cahontas” herself. I don’t give a damn about this eggheaded cretin. I just like how “Faux-cahontas” looks when I type it. I also like “Lie-awatha,” but it’s not getting as much traction. But, hey, check out her rockin’ cheekbones!

Former Republican Governor of Florida Charlie Crist: He’s actually listed that way on the speakers list. Because nothing says “Beat the Republicans!” like a scrub who got cut from the GOP roster.

The heads of national abortion-pushers NARAL and Planned Parenthood: The bad news is they’ll be pushing the Democratic plan to force taxpayers to fund abortions. The good news is, if they’re in North Carolina, then babies elsewhere are a little safer.

Fake Congressional witness and all-around party girl Sandra Fluke: She will once again beg for governmental assistance in covering her condom and abortion costs. If you think about who she is, then paying her not to have kids isn’t really a terrible idea.

Apparently, a couple of first siblings have been tracked down and booked for appearances. One of them is not Obama’s half-brother. I guess a free trip to Charlotte isn’t worth leaving the relative safety of a hut in a Third World hellhole.

Of course, Obama himself will speak. He is the “reason for the season.” His speech will no doubt be the usual rehashing of the tired finger-pointing, excuse-making and general dishonesty that have pretty much defined his term. There’s always the possibility that the teleprompter will malfunction — in which case, hilarity will ensue almost immediately. It would be a welcome respite from the sort of creepy fascism they’re peddling to the minions. One promotional YouTube video even notes “the government is the only thing we all belong to.”

It’s worth noting that all attendees are required to show photo IDs to get in — a terrible crime against those poor illegal aliens who otherwise might have caught a glimpse of their heroic enabler. I’m sure the Democrats will make it up to them with free van rides to the polls in November.

–Ben Crystal

Personal Liberty

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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