Have you ever taken one of those quizzes that float around Facebook? They pop up from time to time and usually purport to predict some inner truth about the quiz taker, while asking ridiculously inane questions. The fact that you prefer red meat, cold weather and beer doesn’t actually mean that you should live in Des Moines, Iowa, any more than the fact that I like Foster’s Lager means I bear even a passing resemblance to Hugh Jackman. Now, most people are aware that quizzes proffered on social networking sites are just cute little distractions. And anyone expecting to divine a deeper truth about himself by taking a quiz posted to Facebook is already well behind the self-awareness eight ball.
But that presumes that everyone on social networking sites possesses sufficient self-awareness. And anyone with an IQ higher than President Barack Obama’s average 18-hole score knows that the Internet — especially Facebook, Twitter and the like — is overrun with enough gibbering lunatics to rival one of those George Soros-funded hate groups that magically escaped Internal Revenue Service harassment to which Obama’s opponents have become so accustomed. So I’m here to help. The following questions are designed to determine what sort of political persona you’ve developed. By taking this quiz honestly, you’ll be able to better chart your future course. Just a few moments of your time is all I need to give you a push in the right direction.
1. The contents of Lois Lerner’s Internal Revenue Service hard drive are:
- Totally unimportant because the IRS scandal is “phony.”
- Wait! They’re not in Cincinnati?
- Probably in the digital version of the East River, and that should worry us.
- Likely to prove that Obama was using the IRS as a political weapon, and did lie about it.
2. Obama deployed the IRS as a political weapons because:
- The Tea Party is, like, totally racist! Still, he totally didn’t do it.
- Meh, the President does stuff like that. Whatevs, “Game of Thrones” is on.
- He’s showing dangerous signs of becoming a knockoff of a dictator.
- He’s a fascist lunatic who thinks he’s above the law.
3. Iraq is tumbling into chaos because:
- George W. Bush lied!
- Iraqis live in a desert. And everybody wears too much clothing, so they all smell like feet.
- A combination of poorly conducted interventions into a region populated by technologically sound, but sociologically retarded, misogynists and religious lunatics has created a nightmare.
- Obama walked off the proverbial job after claiming “Al-Qaida is decimated” while simultaneously selling weapons to al-Qaida.
4. Bowe Bergdahl is:
- A hero who stood up against the evil war machine, man!
- Um, the guy downstairs in 4B?
- Probably not worth five Taliban leaders.
- A sniveling coward who abandoned his comrades and then consorted with the scum of the Earth rather than face justice.
5. When I say “Benghazi,” you think:
- Phony scandal, you racist!
- Something that can usually be cleared up with an over-the-counter ointment.
- A serious foreign policy misstep for which not enough satisfactory answers have been provided.
- An avoidable tragedy engineered by Obama and his minions through a combination of gross incompetence and criminal negligence.
6. Ahmed Abu Khattala is:
- The mastermind behind the Benghazi attacks, which totally didn’t happen. But if it had, he did it. And Obama is a superhero for grabbing him up like a boss!
- The guy behind the register at the Gas’n’Go.
- The purported mastermind behind the Benghazi attack, which took the lives of four Americans.
- Something like the fifth different person whom Obama has blamed for the Benghazi massacre. And he was probably as shocked as the rest of us when Obama had him captured after he spent three years giving interviews at the local cafés.
7. Which of the following best describes Obamacare:
- It’s the Affordable Care Act! Only racists call it “Obamacare!”
- A program where they give you a free phone with every flu shot.
- An incredibly poorly implemented program that sought to provide quality healthcare to all Americans but is clearly not up to the task.
- The largest and most comprehensive fiscal fraud ever perpetrated on the American people.
8. Hillary Clinton is:
- The next President of the United States!
- A contestant on the next season of “Dancing With The Stars!”
- A great deal less likeable than her pig of a husband.
- What difference does it make?
9. Global warming:
- Is a clear and present danger to humanity’s future. And it’s called “climate change,” you Teabagger!
- Sure would’ve been handy the last few winters! Brrr!
- In light of actual scientific evidence, increasingly unlikely.
- A political theory that hides behind paper-thin anecdotal evidence and political exhortations from laughably hypocritical pseudoscientists like Big Oil beneficiary Al Gore.
10. I get my news and information from:
- MSNBC, The Huffington Post and Stephen Colbert.
- US Weekly.
- The television and the splash page of my email provider, and I follow up on Twitter posts that catch my eye.
- A wide variety of sources, including regressive sites like MSNBC, but also FOX News; because I believe the more exposure I get to a subject, the less likely I am to do something stupid like get my news from Stephen Colbert.
All you have to do now is add the numbers corresponding to your answers, and the sum is your score.
10-15: If you’re here, then who’s at the Code Pink rally?
16-25: Go back to your cheesy poofs and TV “stories.” We’ll call you when it’s over.
26-35: The IRS called. They said: “We have some questions about your return from 2003.”
36-40: The IRS called. They said: “We hope you like prison food.”
Remember, kids: There’s no such thing as a stupid answer. There are, however, an enormous number of extremely stupid people. Fortunately, they’re fairly easy to spot. Just look for the people in the “Hot for Hillary” T-shirts.