Skool Is Goodest

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Nestled close by the beautiful beaches of Florida’s famed Boca Raton lies an institution of higher learning in which young minds are nurtured in an academic embrace as warm as the Gulf Stream breezes that flow gently through the campus. Inside the magnificent-yet-comfortable buildings, world-renowned for their architectural perfection, one of the finest collections of minds ever assembled imparts its encyclopedic wisdom to rising generations of future accomplishment.

With multiple Nobel laureates in nearly every department, the quality of instruction is augmented not only by the state-of-the-art learning facilities, but an average student-to-professor ratio of 10-to-1. This school’s every discipline is enhanced by the finest equipment available to mankind. The working fusion reactor will light up prospective physics majors, while language majors will surely be talking about the immersive foreign-language-only dormitories. For the historians: A library with original copies of each of the Founding Fathers’ memoirs will transport them into the past. For the ecologists: A fully self-sustaining bio-dome will feel like home.

This school’s athletic programs produce multiple national championships in multiple sports and challenges among the elite each season, while the 4 million-square-foot field house staffed with certified personal trainers and the latest technological advances and comforts makes fitness a reality for every student. In the dormitories, the school’s world-renowned design and engineering majors have created a living environment that not only is as comfortable as home, but also is optimized for the ultimate combination of ergonomics and academics. And when refueling is required for the rigors of study, the dining hall is Michelin-rated 4 stars and operates 24 hours a day.

What aspiring young mind wouldn’t dream of earning a degree from such a place? What parent wouldn’t dream the same for his child? Armed with a degree from such an esteemed
university, a young person could do nearly anything. The benefit to society of multiple graduates of the place would be almost incalculable.

Of course, no such college exists. However, one could matriculate to Florida Atlantic University, which offers courses such as “Intercultural Communications” under the watchful eye of Palm Beach Democratic Party Vice Chairman Deandre Poole. Until last week, the class included the following exercise (from the teachers’ manual that accompanies the textbook Intercultural Communication: A Contextual Approach, 5th Edition):

Have the students write the name JESUS in big letters on a piece of paper. Ask the students to stand up and put the paper on the floor in front of them with the name facing up. Ask the students to think about it for a moment. After a brief period of silence, instruct them to step on the paper.

Just think of the career paths open to a survivor of such a school. Seriously, think of them. Because all I can come up with involves either working for the government or not working at all. After all, the Democratic Party can’t pay everyone to make House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s lattes; and MSNBC isn’t hiring writers these days.

–Ben Crystal

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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