Political Climate Change

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Later on this evening, President Barack Obama will take to the floor of the United States House of Representatives and deliver the annual legislative, social and ideological grocery list known as the State of the Union (SOTU) address. In tonight’s speech, Obama will address myriad items which he thinks need immediate and definitive action. Among the entries on his wish list: something he refers to as “climate change.”

So, the leader of the free world will take to the most august stage on the planet; and lay out a Christmas – sorry, Kwanzaa – list of demands for the first full year of his 2nd term in the Oval Office. As per usual, none of Obama’s demands will carry a small price tag. But before we hear Obama’s plan to eliminate “climate change,” we probably ought to determine what climate change actually entails.

“Climate Change” Isn’t Its Real Name

Before they called it climate change, its proponents called it “global warming.” Before that, they called it “global cooling.” Before that, I’m guessing they called it the same thing you still call it: “weather.”

It’s Your Fault

The most appalling aspect of the whole climate change racket is the accusatory nature of the theory. While prominent liberals blame your sport-utility vehicle, your hairspray and/or your livestock for a future apocalypse, they have yet to actually prove they’re related. The supposed “science” on which they make their wild accusations is entirely anecdotal. You drive a sport-ute, use hairspray and own a cow. It’s hot outside. Therefore, you + suv + walking porterhouse = impending doom. Centuries past, Mesoamerican cultures thought solar eclipses were harbingers of destruction; anecdotally accurate to a point. Then, the Spaniards showed up and proved them really, really wrong.

It’s Hotter Out

The planet – heck, the UNIVERSE – is a constantly changing place. The planet has been dramatically warmer than it is now. Indeed, according to most historical climatological data, the Earth is currently mired in one of the coolest cycles in half a billion years. 65 million years ago, the animal kingdom was ruled by Godzilla’s cousins. But they didn’t take the dangers of unregulated dinosaur consumption seriously; and they paid for their wanton consumption by losing their global domination to proto-guinea pigs. The lesson: Paleo-climatology is an inexact science. Also: guinea pigs are bad news.

If We Don’t Do Something, We’re ALL GOING TO DIE!

Actually, it doesn’t matter what we do. The earth, and everything on it, is doomed. Billions of years from now, the Sun is going to run out of hydrogen to use as fuel. It will begin fusing helium before progressing to heavier elements. As this process intensifies, the sun will grow bigger than the sum of Al Gore and his new Al Jazeera oil barons’ bank accounts; eventually swelling large enough to consume Mercury, Venus and most of Congress. THOSE will be bad days indeed, kids. The atmosphere will burn away, the oceans will boil off, the surface of the planet will melt and Obama’s descendants will have to deliver the SOTU underground. We ARE all going to die. Not even a fully-funded Federal agency can stop it.

Forget about the heat; Google “Snowball Earth” for a look at pictures of the planet during its unruly teenage years. While liberals press their climatological phrenology on the rest of us; those aforementioned cycles continue; unaffected by our geologically unimpressive presence. Your soccer mommy-mobile didn’t cause “Snowball Earth;” nor did it cause the temperature spike which gave the dinosaurs planetary hegemony; nor will it be responsible for the Sun’s eventual self-destruction. For that matter, all of the minivans, all of the hairspray, all of the refrigerant, all of the fossil fuel usage, all of the bovine flatulence and all of the superheated air expelled from all of the lungs of all of the global warmists in history doesn’t amount to a bucket of magma.

And yet tonight, in front of a worldwide audience, Obama will demand we act to stop something he calls “climate change.” Nothing the Federal government – especially one headed by a recklessly arrogant liberal like Obama – does ever ends up costing less or being more effective than expected. Our National debt is closing in on $20 trillion. We can’t afford to pay for our proverbial groceries; much less a proverbial grocery list which includes changing the basic nature of the universe.

Join Ben tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern time as he liveblogs the State of the Union address. You can comment along with Ben or take your best verbal shots at him as he employs his unique brand of humor to make sense of the festivities. To join the fun, click here.

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.