Out Of Iowa

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The dust from the Ames Straw Poll and corndog eating contest continues to settle, and the outflow from a big weekend in politics is decidedly worth a gander. Texas Governor Rick Perry, who skipped the main festivities, cast a long shadow over the rows with his announcement that he would seek the GOP Presidential nomination. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty cast a much shorter shadow with his announcement that he would no longer be seeking the same. Congressman Ron Paul of Texas finished a strong second in the contest and was finally recognized for what he has become: a real, viable and serious candidate for the nation’s top office. And President Barack Obama took a break from his exhaustive vacation schedule to squeeze in a taxpayer-funded bus tour through the hinterlands to remind people that the nation’s economic woes would be mere memory were it not for a string of bad luck which is in no way his fault.

Meanwhile, back in Iowa, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota, who won the Straw Poll, also won the corndog-eating contest, if a now-infamous picture of her is anything to go by. A decidedly non-conservative friend of mine (who’s not even American! Egads!) sent a link to the shot of the Congresswoman chowing down on that ubiquitous Hawkeye State treat. I presume he intended to poke fun at the Congresswoman, but I think I can speak for most of the men who have seen the photo in question when I say: “Works for me.”

Think about it. Liberals despise Michele Bachmann as if she’s Sarah Palin, 2.0. They scurry through Byzantine logical alleyways in an effort to portray her as crazy, stupid or both. Democratic Party mouthpiece Chris Matthews spends so much time shrieking at her that the untrained observer might think he’s carrying a torch for the congresswoman. Liberal glossy Newsweek even took a low-angle poke at her with a recent cover story which did everything but hold up a sign saying: “Look at the crazy lady!”

We’re all used to the liberals’ desperate hatred of people who don’t talk with their eyes closed — especially if those people are women and even more especially if they’re women who look like women. But why are Democrats so horrified by the idea of a badass soccer-mommy type (who’s fairly attractive) wielding White House power? They certainly thought it was acceptable from 1993-2001 (except for the attractive part, of course — maybe I’m onto something here). Including Obama, the past four Presidents have been: a skinny, jug-eared pansy; a clean-shaven version of Yosemite Sam; Larry the Cable Guy with better hair; and a doppelganger for Mr. Rogers, respectively. Their foreign policy accomplishments have included: costive shooting war, costive shooting war, costive shooting war and costive shooting war, respectively. Pardon the overt chauvinism, but maybe a decent-looking broad with a temper is a better choice. Think of it, President Bachmann hikes up the hemlines a bit, and peace breaks out in the Middle East, Russia crawls back into its bottle and China stops running people over with tanks and starts doing that spiritual tai chi with the Falun Gong and churning out more counterfeit golf clubs.

On the home front, the aforementioned gang of four former Commanders in Chief certainly didn’t manage to sustain an economic happy face, either. Obama is so breathtakingly incompetent on matters of finance that he’s actually managed to accomplish the dubious feat of making people wistful for Jimmy Carter’s Presidency. The uber-conservative Bachmann might not win any fans at the Service Employees International Union banquet, but they’d be able to afford better champagne.

Before you all dismiss this piece as an endorsement of Bachmann’s candidacy, let me point out that I’m merely demonstrating the availability of better alternatives to another four years of listening to Barack Obama blaming his failures on everything except space aliens (or lack thereof, according to Paul Krugman). Plus, she won in Iowa. However, while the Ames Straw Poll — a pay-to-play beauty pageant with all the electoral validity of a prom queen ballot — ended up in Bachmann’s column, note the man who finished right behind her: Congressman Ron Paul.  Paul has suddenly been “discovered” by the corporate media and is one of the more intelligent human beings to run for the Presidency in decades. And Mitt Romney — who still makes me a bit nervous — is out-polling Obama at the national level.

Of course, as demonstrated by his weird little bus tour, Obama is all flake, no corn.

–Ben Crystal

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.