Obama: What The Dickens!?!
December 25, 2013 by John Myers
The first family was tucked in their beds, sound asleep in the White House — everyone but the President. Barack Obama walked away from the family fridge, holding his milk. He needed it to help him sleep. It was Christmas Eve, and his mind was whirling — his thoughts gripped by all of his responsibilities, by all of his inabilities.
Earlier that day, he had passed the portrait of John F. Kennedy. Obama could have sworn he heard a shuffle farther down the hall. In fact, it sounded like the walk of his mentor in the U.S. Senate, the late liberal icon Edward Kennedy. Now late in the darkness of the night, the sound was louder — and it was headed toward him!
A voice cried out: “Barack, what have you done?”
“Who is it?” demanded the President. There were no words, just a wisp of wind.
Then came the call gain: “Barack, what have you done?” That’s when the President first saw a ghostly image appear before him.
“Teddy!?” cried Barack. “Is that you?”
“Of course, it’s me,” said the Senator’s ghost.
“All those years that we worked and schemed so you could get this job! All those years I fought for you to right America by flipping it left. Now all you talk about is Nelson Mandela, Obamacare and Martin Luther King Jr. and all those black Americans who took you to the top of the mountain. But it wasn’t them. It was me! It was my family! It was the Kennedy legacy that got you this job. And now you have forgotten all of that and forsaken all of us.”
“What are you talking about?” demanded Obama. “I haven’t forgotten a thing. Besides, you didn’t get me here. I got me here. So show some respect. After all, I’m the first African-American President. Hollywood loves me. Hell, MSNBC loves me. Most of all, I love me!”
“Of course they love you! They are why the country is in such a mess,” the ghost replied. “Look at you! All the fawning fans, all those schools named after you. But if doesn’t do the country one damn bit of good if our kids cannot learn.”
The Lion of the Senate was just getting warmed up. “You are not only ruining the country, but I don’t even know who you are anymore. I can’t even find a single Christmas decoration in the residence. Here it is Christmas Eve, and you and the first family are still bent on Islam! What would the Holy Father say?”
“That’s none of your damn business, Ted! Remember the 1st Amendment?”
“Remember it?!? I was voting on it when you were smoking grass in Oahu. Besides, the 1st Amendment doesn’t give the President the right to lie to the Nation that elected him.”
“Why not, Nixon did it?”
“Yes, but you were supposed to be the anti-Nixon. We first tried that out with Jimmy Carter and then Bill Clinton, and everyone saw how that worked out. But you, Barack… you were our chosen one. You were going to get us out of wars, not into them. You were going to help race relations, not inflame them. You were going to help America, not destroy it.”
“They love me in Africa,” Barack said, sheepishly.
“Who cares about Africa? Nobody except for you and your late father. I am talking about America. And for half a century, my family tried to make America stronger with our liberal ideals. But you don’t care about liberal ideals. You only care about yourself.”
“Enough, Teddy,” demanded Obama, who had begun to weep. “What must I do?”
“The first thing you should do is stop acting like John Boehner. Be a man, for Ch… I mean Muhammad’s sake. Speaking of which, act like a Christian — even if you have to fake it.”
“Yes, Ted,” sniffed Barack, who seemed more like that lost teen in Hawaii than the arrogant President of the United States.
“Look, Barack, I’ve told you what to do and I have to go. Family and friends have a cruise planned with Aristotle, which explains these yacht shoes and Jack’s old Wayfarers.”
“Please, Teddy, take me with you! I can’t take it anymore: Michelle, the job, being a celebrity.”
“What can I say, Barack? You made your stateroom. You have to lie in it. I will tell you this — and listen up, Bucko: If you want next year to be better for the American people, you have to check your ego. You have to find something inside of you that I once saw — a need to make things better. In the New Year, you must work with Republicans. After all, Ronald Reagan and I loved each other! Only if you do that can America be saved.”
As Kennedy’s apparition faded, he uttered these few words: “Things better improve, Barry, or next year the family is sending Bobby.”
A Merry Christmas to all our readers!