No Light On Our Deepwater Horizon

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Welcome to the Summer of Schadenfreude for Earth Firsters everywhere. And what a celebration they’ve been enjoying. Fronted by Dear Leader Obama and Rahm “never let a good crisis go to waste” Emanuel, the libs have been breaking their arms in paroxysms of self-congratulation since BP’s Deepwater Horizon rig began spewing 10W30 into the Gulf.

You wouldn’t think an oil spill would bring tears of joy to anyone; but for the flat-earthers, the Deepwater Disaster means validation—if not votes. There haven’t been this many “I-told-you-so’s” since Elin Nordgren called her mother the day after Thanksgiving.

The President just gave us another glimpse of his plans, announcing an investigative commission with the petroleum-specific expertise of the pump jockey at the Gas’n’Go. The only real scientist of the group is an expert in optics. The John Hinckley jury would have been just as qualified.

The kangaroo court of a commission comes on the heels of a $20 billion shakedown of BP during which Obama acted like a loanshark chasing some schlub who’s late with the vig. Of course, when the President puts the knuckles to someone, instead of no-neck types with names like Duke and Rocco, he has the 82nd Airborne.

As for “plugging the damn hole”—Despite Dutch and Belgian expertise in dealing with precisely the situation Obama and his cronies are mishandling, Presidential obligations to Big Labor preclude any consideration of suspending the Jones Act and bringing speedy relief to Charlie the Tuna. In the Obama/Emanuel/Democrat crisis management handbook, people from other countries are fine if they’re crawling through a tunnel toward Tucson, but not so much when they’re petrochemical engineers offering to put a stop to a terrible waste of the good stuff.

Nor will there be any reconsideration of the Federal ban on offshore drilling in productive waters. In fact, there’s still a six-month moratorium on offshore drilling in water deeper than 500 feet—the equivalent of holding the Olympic diving events in the downstairs bathtub.

With the left’s petroleum pity party in full swing, let’s look at their viable alternatives. Any wingnut can decry America’s tendency to lean on Castrol. According to newly appointed Spill Panelist Frances Beinecke, this whole situation is a result of “America’s addiction to oil.” Well thank you Madam Obvious. So, what are you offering?

Wind power sounds nice. It’s clean, “Green,” and doesn’t make Flipper icky. But wind power means windmills—and windmills ruin the view from the Kennedy compound in Hyannisport.

Solar power is another Woodstock-approved energy source. You’ve never seen a Sierra Club ad featuring a baby seal flopping around helplessly in a puddle of photovoltaic cells. Unfortunately, solar power’s start-up costs are so prohibitively high, Moonbeam Mary and Patchouli Pete wouldn’t have enough left over to fix the Microbus. Plus, you’d have to pave Montana in solar panels just to power Al Gore’s mega-mansion; with maybe enough left over to run John Edwards’s hair dryer.

Ethanol gets a few column inches every time the prices at pump inch up, but that’s hype, not help. Even if every acre of corn in the country was earmarked for fuel production, it would only cover 12 percent to 15 percent of the nation’s fuel needs. And you’d have a hard time telling the kids why Tony the Tiger can’t join them for breakfast anymore.

Nuclear power is a near-perfect solution—except that Hollywood hates it. They can’t run their Priuses on plutonium. And do we really want movie stars riding around on small thermonuclear devices? Hmm..nah.

The U.S. IS the Kuwait of coal. But the eco-shriekers say it’s gross. You have to dig massive holes to get to the stuff. Fine if you’re mining diamonds for Barbra Streisand’s cleavage bling, but not cool if you’re trying to turn the lights on in a neighborhood where Babs wouldn’t be caught dead. Also, Al Gore says coal causes global warming. We should trust Al Gore—he invented the internet.

So it’s back to the deepwater drilling board for the time being. Fortunately, the world has plenty of the black stuff left. We’ll be kicking the Enterprise into warp drive long before we run out of oil. The solutions are right in front of us, if we can shoehorn some common sense into energy policy.

In the meantime, Obama was back on the golf course this weekend. Hey, Mr. President, when Malia asked “Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?” I don’t think she meant the 5th at Congressional.

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.