Newsweek And The Infinite Monkey Theorem

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The infinite monkey theorem suggests given enough time, a monkey could write the complete works of William Shakespeare.

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey given enough time at a keyboard can randomly produce the work of William Shakespeare. The logical basis for the theorem is mathematically sound: infinite opportunity makes the infinitesimally unlikely likely, even eventually assured. Some of the giants of human thought subscribe to the theorem.

Obviously, none of the icons of intellect ever picked up a copy of the liberal glossy Newsweek, nor read the pseudo-intellectual drivel of Andrew Sullivan. Had any of them happened upon the writings of the bastard progeny of Sidney Harman and Tina Brown, the infinite monkey theorem would have been called the infinite liberal theorem: Give a monkey enough time at a keyboard and whatever it produces will be closer to the work of the Bard than anything Newsweek might excrete — and that’s before the monkey stops throwing feces and starts typing.

Case in point: this week’s edition of Newsweek. The cover features one of those ubiquitous hero-angle photos of President Barack Obama, presumably feigning gravitas. Emblazoned on the cover is: “Why are Obama’s Critics so Dumb? Andrew Sullivan on the man with a plan.” The accompanying piece stretches across a few pages of what might have become a nice roll of toilet paper and offers nothing more than another lusty love letter to Obama from a liberal propagandist masquerading as a journalist.

Sullivan, an admitted “unabashed supporter” of all things Obama, earns his pom-poms. He writes: “Obama has delivered in a way that the unhinged right and purist left have yet to understand or absorb.” Sullivan calls those who recognize Obama as a corrupt, reprobate disgrace “unhinged.” He refers to those who expect Obama to adhere to stringently liberal standards as “purists.” In fact, the concept of conservatives displaying “an apocalyptic fervor” whereas liberals are merely “disappointed” is a theme to which Sullivan returns throughout the piece.

Of course, Sullivan negates his own credibility by dubbing himself a “conservative-minded independent.” If you’re confused by the idea of someone who subscribes to the appalling, liberal-perpetrated “Trig Truther” slander (in which Democrats question the parentage of Sarah Palin’s child) referring to himself as a “conservative-minded” anything, welcome to the club.

The rest of the piece contains the same prosaic pattern of pabulum consistently proffered by smug liberal pinheads. Sullivan refers to the un-Constitutional behemoth Obamacare as “moderate.” (Granted, from the perspective of an über-liberal lightweight like Sullivan, it may well be.) He also manages to put a happy face on the financial bloodbath of the government and union thug takeover of General Motors: “The bail-out of the auto industry was—amazingly—successful.” Never mind the multibillion-dollar losses which will be borne by the taxpayers in return for malfunctioning glorified go-carts. He throws in a few more howlers, for example: “Two moderately liberal women replaced men on the Supreme Court.”  (That’s from a perspective just to the left of Santa Monica, Calif.) He even cites the website Politifact.com as backup, which is a bit like suggesting that Bill Maher is funny because Rosie O’Donnell says so.

In splattering Newsweek’s pages with babble that reads like it was lifted from Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s diary, Sullivan somehow managed to miss Obama’s horrendous record on immigration, Operation Fast and Furious, Solyndra, LightSquared, Richard Cordray and the rest of the legion failures and scandals which are the real mileposts of Obama’s regrettable regime. Indeed, Sullivan even gives Obama’s signing of the criminal National Defense Authorization Act (breaking a campaign promise) a pass, suggesting that ending the mythical “torture” which he evidently believes regularly occurs in “military detention and military justice” is worth the trade.

Newsweek’s liberal bias is well-documented, as even former editor-at-large Evan Thomas has acknowledged. And Sullivan himself had no credibility to sacrifice; once you’ve bought into the “Trig truther” movement, you’ve sold your soul. What should raise eyebrows isn’t Newsweek toeing the Democrat line. What should raise eyebrows is the fact that mouthpieces like Newsweek, Sullivan and their ilk speak for a party and President who show such scorn for the rest of us.

The infinite monkey theorem suggests given enough time, a monkey could write the complete works of Shakespeare. I’m not sure how much time Newsweek and Sullivan would need to produce something praiseworthy. Someone call the monkey. I think we’ve found a task he can handle.

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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