All right, everyone; take your pencils out and put away your books. Professor Ben is here to take stock of just how much you’ve managed to retain from the reams of knowledge proffered by the rest of the faculty here at the Personal Liberty Digest™ Institute for Higher Learning and General Awesomeness. I’ve tried to cover as wide a range of topics as possible, all the better to gauge your progress. You’ll find the questions tough, but fair. Of course, some of you will fail to earn a passing grade and will be furious with me for refusing to “level the playing field.” That’s a tough break, kiddies. This is our field; we don’t move the goal posts to make it easier for the junior varsity.
Try to remember: There are no stupid questions, but there are some really stupid answers and some really, really stupid people:
Q: The $6 trillion rise in the national debt is a direct result of:
- President Barack Obama’s wildly ill-advised attempts to nationalize huge swaths of America’s economy.
- The fuel bills for greedy conservative’s private jets.
- Dick Cheney’s evil plans.
- Michelle Obama’s shopping habits.
Q: The “sequester” was created by:
- President Barack Obama.
- Speaker of the House John Boehner.
- Dick Cheney.
- Evil rich people. (But not the really cool ones like Al Gore and Sean Penn.)
Q: Because of the “sequester”:
- White House tours have been canceled.
- Michelle and Barack Obama are taking the girls on a “staycation” to the East Wing this year.
- Vice President Joe Biden is staying only in motels that charge by the hour.
- Obama has cut back to using Pinnacle™ golf balls instead of the Titleist ProV1x’s™ he prefers when he plays The Floridian™ with Tiger Woods.
Q: People’s health insurance premiums are rising because:
- Obamacare’s costs are untenable at current rates.
- Insurance companies are, like, totally evil and stuff.
- Doctors are mean.
- There’s a secret plot to help Donna Brazile maintain relevancy.
Q: As a direct result of Obamacare:
- Birth control pills are pretty much taxpayer-covered.
- Planned Parenthood is retraining abortionists to dispense IUDs.
- Senator Bob Menendez is thinking about moving to Las Vegas.
- Sandra Fluke is constantly out of breath.
Q: Hillary Clinton reversed her position on same-sex marriage because:
- She’s a calculating political animal who shares her husband’s penchant for governing by opinion poll.
- She figures gay couples should suffer just as much as she has.
- Her husband did, and she has yet to secure his 2016 endorsement.
- May Day at Janet Reno’s house last year was really awkward.
Q: A nuclear-armed North Korea:
- Seriously threatens the balance of global power, given the nature and associations of the Pyongyang regime.
- Gives the Chicoms something to do besides torturing dissidents.
- Gives the Chicoms something to do besides counting the IOUs we’ve written them.
- Gives the Chicoms something to do besides enabling the Pyongyang regime’s nuclear ambitions.
Q: Iran’s increasing belligerence is caused by:
- The fact that the only thing worse than an islamofascist is nuclear-armed islamofascist.
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s attempts to make up for being a tiny little man.
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s attempts to make up for being a tiny little man, in more ways than one.
- Something President George W. Bush did in the country next door.
Q: The so-called “Arab Spring” has produced:
- An increasingly dicey Mideast with war nearing virtual certainty.
- Wild hijinks like Benghazi.
- Iran’s totally not-weapons-related nuclear program.
- More for former President Jimmy Carter to blame on Israel.
Q: Benghazi is:
- A town in Libya where four Americans were murdered by islamofascists while Obama and his aides did less than nothing and then created a cover-up that continues to this day.
- A town in Libya where a YouTube video made everyone go temporarily insane with rage six months after the video was released.
- Something you can get from drinking the water in Libya.
- Totally no big deal, because… shut up.
Q: Obama’s approval rating has sunk below 50 percent because:
- Instead of showing constructive leadership on the economy, diplomacy or society, he has whined and griped about how those poopy Republicans are mean to him.
- Somewhere between 50 percent and 55 percent of the American people are racist.
- Somewhere between 50 percent and 55 percent of the American people are really racist.
- He drank the water in Libya and got a scorching case of the Benghazis.
Q: New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg tried to dictate the size of beverage containers because:
- He actually thinks people’s dietary habits fall under his authority.
- The only carbonated beverage he considers worth drinking is Veuve Clicquot™.
- Soda makes his armed bodyguards gassy.
- The uniforms he picked out for his minions are not particularly slimming.
Q: The Democrats want to ban so-called “assault weapons” because:
- If law-abiding citizens can defend themselves, tyranny can be a mite tricky to impose.
- Guns are secretly imbued with an innate evil that drives people to kill people; but only liberals can see it, so it’s up to them to save the rest of us.
- They’re worried Joe Biden might get ahold of a “tacticool” Ruger 10-22 and massacre the White House squirrel population.
- All of the above.
Q: Despite the Democrats’ demonization of semi-automatic rifles, the only actual military that deploys soldiers with semi-automatic rifles as standard practice is:
- Trick question; no national military equips regular front-line soldiers with semi-automatic rifles.
- A couple of those “–stan” countries that got sprayed all over the map after the Soviet Union exploded.
- One of those Eastern European countries with too many consonants in its name.
- The security force at Michael Moore’s country estate.
Q: The Department of Homeland Security is planning to buy 1.6 billion rounds of ammunition because:
- They’re stockpiling five rounds for every man, woman and child in the country for some reason they’re refusing to divulge.
- They’re too lazy to reload their own brass.
- Secretary Janet Napolitano is thinking about turning “pro” and needs the target practice.
- Who wants to know?
Q: Dr. Ben Carson is:
- A world-renowned neurosurgeon who is standing up publicly to Obama’s bullying and fearmongering.
- “…the right wing’s go-to black token.”
- “…a pawn to get more black votes and change that image of the racist party.”
- “…the Negro du jour.”
Q: The recent spate of wintry weather has been caused by:
- High-capacity rifle magazines.
- Spider goats.
- A mythical creature which is half-man, half-bear and half-pig.
Well, how did you fare? For those of you who haven’t wandered off to compare your NCAA tournament brackets to the one the President filled out instead of doing his job, the correct answer to every question was (a). For those of you who actually needed me to tell you which answers were correct, you’re going to need some remedial coursework. I recommend the Personal Liberty Digest™.