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Hillary 2016

October 30, 2013 by  

If the next Presidential election grants me no other boon, I sincerely wish that it will grant me the Presidential candidacy of former First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. To borrow one of President Barack Obama’s favorite phrases, “let me be clear.” I want Hillary Clinton to run for President as badly as Obama wants to birdie the 9th at Doral. Before you compose an angry email to Mr. Livingston demanding I be consigned to an eternity of serving as Oprah Winfrey’s towel boy, allow me to elaborate.

Senate Foreign Relations Committee holds a hearing on Benghazi in Washington, DC
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton chats with Senator John McCain during testimony on the Benghazi slayings. Credit: UPI

I don’t want Hillary Clinton to run for President because I think she’d make such a marvelous leader of the free world. Outside some of America’s more fearsome correctional facilities, I can’t imagine too many folks over whom I would choose Clinton for President. I just want to observe as the smartest woman in her world discovers the hard way that her world is a great deal smaller than THE world. Plus, the theatre of the absurd which will be the 2016 race for the Democratic Presidential nomination will make the cast of the next Judd Apatow stoner comedy look like narcoleptic Gregorian monks by comparison. Think of it:

Hillary Clinton should be President because she’s a strong woman.

A silver-spoon-fed rich girl comes of age in the Weather Underground section of the 1960s, falls in love with the fat kid from the band, abandons a promising career as a hatchet-lawyer for the Democratic Party, latches on to Fatty’s big’n’tall coattails, smiles blankly through his endless philandering and finally reaches the big time after he’s through with it. Oh yeah, she’s a veritable Susan B. Anthony. I know every time I think of my niece, I hope she finds an overweight, sex-addicted liar who can spirit her through the pitfalls of work and accomplishment and into authority she didn’t earn and can’t exercise properly. What’s dignity when measured against the ability to perjure oneself and get away with it?

Hillary Clinton should be President because she’s so smart.

She’s well-spoken, I suppose. But well-spoken doesn’t necessarily equate to well-regarded. History is littered with examples of people who used a good command of the lexicon to advance beyond their peers. Some of them used their new station to benefit those whom they had outstripped. Others used their station to invent “vast right wing conspiracies.” Her tenure as First Lady revealed a hyper-ambitious streak which – combined with what appears to be a total lack of compunction – led to her ill-fated attempt to make Obamacare the law 14 years before Obama proved it wouldn’t work. Her tenure as a Senator from New York really didn’t amount to much of a legacy; mostly because she never intended for it to be anything but a springboard. Her tenure as Secretary of State was a complete and utter disaster (See also: Benghazi, “what difference…does it make?”, Syria and the death spiral in which America’s overseas credibility is now trapped). Smart? Why, because she went to Yale? So did President George W. Bush.

Hillary Clinton should be President because it’s high time a woman held the office.

Actually, it’s high time a competent Chief Executive held the office. Liberals consider things like race and gender before they consider things like merit and quality. Actually, liberals pretty much ALWAYS consider the former before the latter. That’s how people who possess neither tend to rise to the top of the Democratic molehill. If the right woman were to run, then she’d have my support. Dr. Condoleeza Rice remains someone for whom I would gladly cast a ballot; though she seems about as interested in the gig as Hillary is in testifying before Congress. It’s worth noting that the Democrats seem to have left their political feminine sides handcuffed to the stove in 2008; and remain decidedly less than feminine any time Sarah Palin walks by.

Hillary Clinton should be President because she’s eminently qualified.

If by “eminently qualified,” her supporters mean “currently breathing,” then I suppose she’s in. If they mean “shrill, angry and self-entitled,” then she’s a definitive front runner. Hillary Clinton has hovered around the highest offices in the land for 20 years. In that time, she has yet to demonstrate any particular political acumen beyond blaming others for her own mistakes. For that matter, she seems to blame others for her occasional successes; especially in such arenas as commodities trading and real estate investment. Of all the people who stumbled across the missing records from an Arkansas law firm while wandering through the White House years later, Hillary is clearly the most qualified to head up the Federal government.

Hillary Clinton should be President because she’s so well-respected.

And why shouldn’t she be? She has endured a “vast right wing conspiracy” which she fabricated out of her own imaginary cloth. She dodged non-existent sniper fire in Serbia – or was it Ireland? She ferretted out that execrable bastard who made the YouTube video responsible for the totally spontaneous attack on the American compound in Benghazi. She even managed to fight off those evil Republicans who dared question her diplomatic acumen in the wake of the Benghazi attack. Indeed, between the states-woman-ship of Clinton and her big buddy Barack, the United States has built an international reputation at least as strong as – say – North Korea’s or Myanmar’s.

Meanwhile, imagine the hijinks in store for the rest of us in the 2016 electoral cycle. Tell me you’re not looking forward to Hillary invoking the imaginary “war on women” to deflect criticism like Van Helsing waving a crucifix in front of Dracula. Tell me you’re not looking forward to Hillary explaining how she’ll bring peace to the parts of the world which turned into even more exciting terrorist havens during her Secretary-ship. Tell me you’re not looking forward to Hillary explaining how she will either continue or discontinue the Obama policy of providing weapons to Al Qaida-linked terrorists in Syria.

Moreover, tell me you’re not looking forward to the Democratic debates; especially if Vice President Joe Biden follows through on his threats to run. Joe Biden vs. Hillary Clinton? Vegas wishes it could book that battle royale every weekend. If someone convinces former Congressman Dennis Kucinich to jump in, then the Democrats could conceivably sell their debates to the WWE.

“TONIGHT ON RAW: Hillary “ThunderLies” Clinton, “Jellybean” Joe Biden and Dennis “The Spaceman” Kucinich in the cage match to end all cage matches!” 

My money would be on Hillary. Kucinich is a mile out of his weight class; and Biden’s moves are all cribbed from Neil Kinnock. Plus, look for her finisher, the “Pantsuit Leglock.”

Mostly, I want to watch former President Bill Clinton adjust to his new role as a prospective First Gentleman. Of course, I’ll probably have to subscribe to Cinemax™ to do so. Hillary 2016: they’ll sell us the seat; but we’ll only need the front edge.

 

- Ben Crystal

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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