It is no secret that Americans have a bad habit of becoming enthralled by and making celebrities of many people who could be described as intellectually deficient, at best, and despicable, at worst.
Just take a look at the individuals that many young people throughout the Nation believe they should attempt to emulate.
There are “Teen Moms” on MTV who — with the help of a few thousand dollars per episode — make teen pregnancy look easy. They live in high-priced apartments and have fancy cars, minimum wage jobs and children; that sounds like reality. Also on that channel are the enterprising young hooligans who have misrepresented the New Jersey Italian-American community while binge drinking and “smushing” on “The Jersey Shore.” A few channels away, we find Kim Kardashian, who has managed to make a mockery of the institution of marriage in order to turn a hefty profit. Or, if music is your taste, you could simply flip through a few top 40 radio stations to hear music that encourages you to be an oversexed, uneducated thug. Or a bum. Or a pimp. Or a whatever.
But before you criticize the youths of the Nation for lapping up this filth and go on a self-righteous diatribe about the merits of watching C-SPAN, consider the filthy characters to whom you are turning for answers. Many of your policymakers could likely get their own hit shows on MTV.
Actually, a better idea: C-SPAN should simply change its programming lineup to better suit the decadent nature of a Nation in decline. This would likely be a great way to get more brain-dead Americans to tune in to the network, and it may even get more youngsters interested in how government works (or why it hasn’t for a long time). Besides, no one has time to sit and watch Congressional speeches, and they don’t give us a good look at who the people running and working for our Nation really are. So here are some suggestions a new C-SPAN programming lineup:
“Secrets of the Secret Service”
Don’t let the name of this hot new reality show fool you; we’re not interested in knowing about who really killed John F. Kennedy or where they keep the aliens. “Secrets of the Secret Service” will document the exploits of the men charged with protecting our country’s highest leader as they tend to the more important aspects of their jobs. Get ready to find out just how easy it really is to buy a prostitute in Columbia, if name-dropping and casually mentioning that you are a Secret Service agent makes it easier to pick up chicks in a bar, and what it feels like to wield a machine gun when you have a hangover. And stay tuned for the season finale episode in which celebrity guests Snookie, J-Wow, The Situation and the rest of “The Jersey Shore” cast face off with the agents to see who the harder partiers are.
“Sex In The Capitol City”
This tell-all show will be hosted by Rielle Hunter, disgraced former Senator John Edwards’ former mistress and the mother of his child. Hunter was chosen for the spot because of the shameless way in which she graphically describes how enjoyable having adulterous sex with the Senator was in her new memoir, What Really Happened. Expect candid interviews with other political figures who have had fidelity and decency problems while in public light including: former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford who abandoned his State unannounced for a week to vacation with his mistress; Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass.) who has a thing for male prostitutes; former New York “Luv Guv” Eliot Spitzer who has a thing for expensive prostitutes; and the aptly named former New York Representative Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.) who likes to “sext” pictures of his genitals.
“To Tell The Truth, Or Not”
In this throwback to the classic television game show, a political figure will sit before a contestant — who must be a registered voter — and tell his story. The contestant will then have to decide whether the politician is outright lying, embellishing facts or being truthful. The first show will feature Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) and the second episode President Barack Obama. Both have American success stories of overcoming underdog roots; both are complete with debatable facts.
“Who Wants To Be A $16 Trillionaire”
Hosted by Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, this exciting show pits bank executives against one another to determine who can come up with the best way to rip off American citizens. The winner gets $16 trillion to use as they please as they work to enslave all Americans to debt and bankrupt the entire Nation.
If you thought “Cops” was an action-packed television show, you’ll love “Jackboots.” This documentary-style program will follow the plethora of enforcement agencies in the Nation as they use special training to injure and quiet anyone who stands in their way of complete dominance. You will get a firsthand look at how the Department of Homeland Security brands almost everyone a terrorist. You will learn how powerful it feels to Transportation Security Administration agents when they throw would-be passengers out of airports for refusing to be sexually molested. You will ride along with police officers who do not believe the Constitution restrains them in any way. And you will see the action as innocent farmers endure raids from armed bureaucrats. If you love the police state, you don’t want to miss this.
This proposed C-SPAN lineup likely seems a little absurd. What’s more absurd, however, is that programming like this would definitely cause the network’s ratings to skyrocket. And while many cringe at the antics of pop culture’s celebrities, those of the people running our Nation are in some ways worse. At least Snookie doesn’t have any legislative pull… yet.