Eat More Chicken… Or Not

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Being the charitable sort of fellow I am, I thought I might take a moment to offer a bit of advice to the forces that have rather loudly arrayed themselves against the glowering evil that is one of the largest purveyors of not-so-fine food in the country. Although I’m no Sigmund Freud (I lack what appeared to have been some pretty serious “mommy” issues and the cocaine habit needed to qualify), I figure it’s about time someone says: “Sometimes, a chicken sandwich is just a chicken sandwich.” It strikes me that the contest between supporters and detractors of marriage equality has mistaken the feather for the bird.

Recently, Chick-fil-A President and CEO Dan Cathy publicly stated his opposition to marriage equality: “Guilty as charged.” Leftist groups immediately objected, even though few of them could have named Cathy the day before. Unfortunately, as is so often the case with liberal outrage, the situation spiraled into meaningless invective fairly quickly, with groups calling for boycotts, sit-ins and even “kiss-ins” in an effort to punish Chick-fil-A employees and diners for working at and/or eating at Chick-fil-A. The real fun arrived when noted nutrition and manners expert Roseanne Barr took to Twitter to declare: “Anyone who eats S*** Fil-A deserves to get the cancer…” I do believe that’s an even bigger jump of the proverbial shark than the great “two-Becky” controversy on Barr’s not-so-lamented sitcom of decades past.

Not to be outdone by such heavyweights as Barr, Chicago Mayor and former Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel (who should probably consider adding some calories to his own diet) proclaimed “Chick-fil-A’s values are not Chicago’s values.” Far be it for me to suggest Emanuel should focus on some of the more pressing issues “Chicago’s values” have created in the Windy City. Chicago is a crime-ridden cesspool that has turned to Louis Farrakhan’s Islamofascist hate group in a desperate attempt to quell the raging epidemic of violence that is consuming the city. Joining Emanuel in his mayoral tantrum was Boston boss Thomas Menino. Boston suffers from similar crime issues to Chicago, compounded by the presence of an entrenched liberal power structure stretching back beyond Joseph Kennedy’s Nazi sympathies. Even the American Civil Liberties Union stepped forward to point out that Mayors do not have the authority to suspend the Bill of Rights in their municipalities, despite their pretensions to the contrary.

I didn’t eat Chick-fil-A the week before CEO Dan Cathy made his now infamous remarks about his opposition to gay marriage. As the oddly manufactured controversy regarding his view on the subject developed into a full-blown rhetorical war, I still didn’t eat Chick-fil-A. Tomorrow, as vast flocks of folk on both sides of the drive-thru either do or do not deliberately dine on what many of us will admit is a pretty tasty treat, I will probably not eat at Chick-fil-A. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I ate Chick-fil-A. I am highly confident that I won’t be darkening the door to the coop anytime soon. But I’m not making a political statement; I’m just too lazy to drive to a Chick-fil-A.

My “boycott” of Chick-fil-A, such as it is, is entirely based on geography. I care as much about Cathy’s personal politics as I do about the politics of the presidents of McDonald’s, Burger King and Wendy’s — which is to say, not at all. But liberals are up in arms about Cathy’s stance. They’re welcome to be so, but perhaps their squawking would ring less hollow were it not for their simultaneous support of Obama, Emanuel, Menino and the rest of the vermin who have turned their party into the biggest rat’s nest outside Chicago’s sewers.

Think of it this way: Emanuel and his liberal friends don’t want Chick-fil-A in Chicago, but Louis Farrakhan is welcome to pitch in? I’d rather have the chicken sandwich — with extra pickles, of course.

–Ben Crystal

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.