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Divorce Lasts A Lifetime, So End The War

Divorce Lasts A Lifetime, So End The War

NEW YORK (UPI) — Marriage may be brief, but divorce lasts a lifetime. A U.S. clinical psychologist says it’s worth the effort to make a friend of an ex-spouse.

Judith Ruskay Rabinor, a clinical psychologist, said she was motivated to write her book Befriending Your Ex After Divorce: Making Life Better for You, Your Kids, and Yes, Your Ex after accepting the losses and realities of her own divorce and becoming good friends with her former husband.

“It requires seeing the big picture — embracing the needs of everyone involved — and taking the high road,” Rabinor said in a statement. “Don’t assume you have to continue feeling and expressing anger to justify your divorce.”

Rabinor’s strategies include:

  • Recognize the need and the benefits to you of befriending your ex.
  • Learn to forgive, including yourself.
  • Let go of the past. Don’t dwell on what went wrong.
  • Create a vision of the kind of positive relationship you want with your ex.
  • Tell your ex it’s never too late to create a better divorce, and you want to start a cordial relationship.
  • Start with small acts of kindness.
  • Continue trying, even if your ex is slow to acknowledge your efforts or reciprocate.
  • Keep the goal in mind; keeping the peace is easier than continuing the war.

Rabinor acknowledges not all of her strategies apply to everyone and an authentic new friendship might not develop if dangerous behaviors don’t change, such as addictions or verbal and physical abuse.

“The only person you can really change is yourself. Do your part and treat your ex kindly, and if he or she refuses to reciprocate, continue to take the high road,” Rabinor said. “You’ll eventually succeed, or at least have the satisfaction of knowing you’re doing the right thing.”

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  • rendarsmith

    This is extremely difficult to do when one parent (usually the father) has to pay alimony and child support to the other. Many fathers want joint custody and to be in their kids’ lives but are denied because the mother wants those child support payments. How do you befriend someone like that?

    • Robert Smith

      We need to consider options other than lawyers “helping” get a divorce. By nature they turn it into an advercial relationship.

      Go to city hall, sign papers, clap your hands three times, and it’s done. Simple. Then it’s possible to move on.

      One must also keep in mind that there are irresponsible and mean people in the world, and sometimes folks get suckered into marrying them.

      Each situation truly is unique.


      • rendarsmith

        That’s true, but you’d be surprised how often the same things tend to happen due to bias in the courts.

        The problem is not everybody can just go to city hall and sign papers, both parties have to agree to the terms and sometimes one party wants more and refuses to sign. That’s when it gets ugly and the kids get involved.

      • david

        I had the same problem for years until my kids got older and out on their own. One thing I tried to do was ignore the complaints of the other parent. If they came complaining to me about not having enough to continue and was not giving adequate time spent with the kids, I told that parent well, since you wanted the kids you deal with the problems you have with them. Since you don’t want me in their life as often do not ask me for help. I even told this to a state court and it stuck. I paid the child support, but if they wanted extra then concessions had to be made. No concessions equals no help. They came around a lot sooner, even if they did not like the tactics used.

        The one issue with the child that I told the state court this to, the custody parent abandoned the child in an institution. When I showed up in the court, and I talked to the prosecutor directly before the court, I told the prosecutor and the court directly if they wanted to be the parent by putting the child as a ward of the court, they had better buckle up and act like the parent, because no help would come from me. I even offered to take the child into custody and provide for that child. When the court decided to with hold the transfer of custody, I made a final statement that there was no need to come seeking continued support as they did not seem to want my help in the first place. That child was 16 at the time and no further child support was sought after the decision, but the State brought the child to my home on regular occasions 400 miles away on their bill.

        I have good communications with all of my exes about my kids and do not get any arguments when I offer solutions for problems that come up. If they do not agree with my ideas, they know for a fact no help from my end will come! So they tend to be more agreeable to my demands just to make sure the kids are taken care of. That other parent had to learn that the responsibility was all theirs, and if they wanted help then they made the concessions. Courts are forced to go along with this as they can be made a parent immediately once you make that statement on COURT RECORD. They refuse to take responsibility to they go with the concessions themselves.

        Non-custodial parents need to buckle down and get some balls about them, if they want more parent time with their kids. Once you give way to their demands, then you lose. Stay firm in your beliefs and things will change. Do not leave kids or exes as beneficiaries, if something happens to you and watch how nice the ex gets, and how much more the kids want to see you. NEVER KNUCKLE UNDER to their pressure, no matter how much you want to see the kids. That shows your weakness.

      • Gordon

        Hate and anger, justification of their position……. passes down through the generations…… destroys the children, grand children, etc……. as the Bible states… the sins are visited on the 3 and 4 generations…… These too have gotten divorced and it grows as an evil pyramid scheme.
        It also says that it is better to live alone in a cave than with an evil contentious woman…. look it up.

      • Gordon

        Robert Smith= Let’s face the UGLY TRUTH……….

        80% of the people that get married are getting married because they are horney and full of wishfull thinking.

        I have talked to hundreds that have told me that THEY KNEW they shouldn’t marry THAT person, but did anyway.

        YA reap what ya sow.

  • wineman

    What a load of psychobabble. The best thing to do (if there are no children involved) is to have nothing to do with your ex-spouse.

    • Mr Diesel

      If only you were right. You aren’t by the way. After 34 years of divorce from my first wife I can say that my anger did nothing to her but most assuredly took time off my life.

      It took both of us to screw the marriage up but more so it was my fault. I have given up being angry with her and I’m a lot better for it.

    • Chester

      Sir, sometimes that is true, that you are better off having NO contact with your ex, but it doesn’t always work that way. Have known a number of divorced couples who actually got along better after the divorce than they did while they were married.

      • Gordon

        Like my first wife and I. (no kids) Haven’t spoken in 40 years. It works!

  • ibcamn

    So what happens when you can’t have any form of friendship with your ex?i have had time(almost ten years)to befriend this woman and it ain’t happening!she wants nothing to do with me and our daughter,she would much rather run and play and have no contact with us,she has visited our daughter maybe a dozen or so times in the ten years she has been alive(she split when our daughter was 3 months old!)and no financial or a single care for her and absolutely nothing towards me!how could you ever in the world want to or could be friends with someone like this?i personally think it is a load of crap,but maybe some people could do it!

    • Gordon

      Just think of the living hell she must be in just being alive.

  • Gordon


  • Dave Miller

    Here is one for you: Three weeks after our marriage I was informed by the ex-mother in law the following
    A. “Hey honey, If that man does not do what you say just kick him in the bxlls”
    B. “Hey honey, If the first born is not a girl, dont waste your time. Go get another man.”
    C. “I don’t need a man except to get pregnant, then just his money.”
    The court system went along with the above and actually supported it.
    With time (30 yrs) It has surfaced that the women in the ex’s family are what they call “Abusive Matriarchs”. Only females matter. The male children are abused until they are “mentallity castarated”. This type of behavior is only done behind closed doors so the only way you can determine that this is going on by the eyes and body language of the small male children. Now, after the granddaughter of the oldest daughter is born the grandfather dies suddenly of unknown causes because he is not needed any more. Once I became aware of the above I was amazed how active this stuff is all the way from the neighbors to politicians and news editors. Is it possible to have a pleasant relationship with the ex? Yes, when there are no females around. No, if other women are present. Now the sad part. Our two sons have been trained to be their mothers servants, only allowed to date women that she approves of and can control. Most people have not heard of the above let alone believe it. In history books this type of thing has been going on for centuries discretely covered up by somekind of “blame”.


    Gloria Steinem sounded the war cry, “We don’t just want to destroy capitalism,” she said, “We want to tear down the whole f____ patriarchy.”

    As the women’s movement turned fanatical and ugly in the 1960s and 70s the focus began to shift from reform and equal opportunity. The feminist leaders – humorless, militant, pugnacious, and angry with their particular lot in life, launched programs that were anti-God, anti-capitalism, anti-family, anti-birth, anti-heterosexual and fostered a virulent hatred of anything having to do with males. They no longer wanted to equalize the status of women, but instead wanted to irreversibly alienate women from men and vice versa.

    “The fiction of fatherhood is a giant religion called Christianity.”
    -Jill Johnston in Lesbian Nation

    Home and traditional family values are no longer accepted answers to the questions, “Who am I?” and, “What am I here for?” The preeminent purpose for some women have become their careers, and they decided against the value of home and family.

    Taken over by radical leftists committed to adultery, lesbianism, and the perpetuation of “self” over motherhood and family, the women’s movement led by the National Organization of Women (NOW), became an adjunct of the Democratic party. The Democratic Party left millions of evangelicals and pro-family Christians when they lurched to the left under George McGovern and his successors. During the 1970s, the Democratic Party abandoned its centrist pro-family base and became captive to the special interest of the radical left, including the feminists, extreme environmentalists and gay rights activists.

    Radical feminists linked all the Marxist causes together by writing, “We want to destroy the three pillars of class and a caste society – the family, private property, and the state.” [Peter Collier and David Horowith, Deconstructing the Left: From Vietnam to the Persian Gulf, 1991].

    To accomplish their goals, organizations such as the National Organization for Women, Planned Parenthood, the National Education Association, and the People for the American Way, the Gay-Lesbian Caucus, and their ilk have arisen to champion unrestrained sex, homosexual rights, abortion on demand, while they attack Christian beliefs, conservative organizations, and all the traditional family structures of America. Feminism is an evil monster!

    Dissolving the Family

    Betty Friedan, founder of NOW, referred to traditional family life as a “comfortable concentration camp” from which women needed liberation. Sheila Cronan, one of the feminist movements most respected leaders and spokeswomen said, “Since marriage constitutes slavery for women, it is clear that the women’s movement must concentrate on attacking marriage.”

    Beginning in the 1960s and 1970s they launched an all-out assault on our nation’s time-honored laws protecting the marriage union. Divorce was presented as an easy way out for the frustrated, disappointed or adventuresome.

    Mel Krantzler, writing in Creative Divorce, stated: “To say goodbye is to say hello … hello to a new life – to a new, freer, more self-assured you. Hello to new ways of looking at the world and of relating to people. Your divorce can turn out to be the very best thing that ever happened to you.” That was a widely held professional opinion for almost a decade.

    Within a few years, they and their Radical Left allies succeeding in overturning all fifty of the nation’s “fault” divorce statutes and replacing them with what is called no-fault divorce. It was understood as an effort to secure for women the economic, political and social rights and protections that men have always enjoyed. A spate of pseudo-scientific studies assured parents that children were resilient and would recover quickly from the effects of divorce.

    In their zeal they also stripped away from women, especially mothers with children, many of the economic and legal protections they had historically enjoyed in this nation, thus creating a whole new underclass in American society: the abandoned housewife.

    The number of displaced homemakers rose twenty-eight percent between 1975 and 1983 to more than three million women. Another twenty percent increase from 1983 to 1988 brought that number to more than four million. An astonishing sixty-one percent of those women suddenly left alone had children under the age of ten at home. Often without job skills and stranded without alimony or child support, as many as seventy percent of these women make less than ten thousand dollars a year, and fifty percent are employed at minimum wage or less. It is, thus, readily apparent why a full seventy-five percent of all Americans living below the poverty line in the United States are women and their children. [Sylvia Ann Hewlett, A Lesser Life: The Myth of Women's Liberation in America (New York: William Morrow, 1986)]


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