Christmas Fun With Obama

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So the questionably tax-exempt hate group formerly known as “Obama 2012” suggested big fun this Christmas. Instead of sitting around a crackling fire, holding steaming mugs of hot chocolate and opening presents to the soundtrack of the Pandora Christmas channel and Dad cursing under his breath about how difficult it was to put that bike together, Organizing for Action says we should all #GetTalking about enrolling in Obamacare. The group even produced a supremely creepy visual aid featuring a dude who looks oddly like a flannel-onesie-clad Screech from the old “Saved By the Bell” TV show to inspire us.

I suppose we could turn everyone’s favorite family morning into a roundtable discussion on how lucky we are to be the victims of the biggest fraud in human history, but that sounds about as fun as celebrating the Winter Solstice with Patchouli Pete and hairy-legged Mary at the local Atheists of America Annual Cruelty-Free Vegan Chili Cook-off and Richard Dawkins Lookalike Contest. Besides, we could never get the stink out of our matching sweaters.

But we can get political, and we can do it without sacrificing Christmas cheer. And I’m going to help. Just sing along with this jaunty little jingle and satisfy the whole family — even your daughter’s deadbeat boyfriend, the one who looks like Screech in hipster doofus glasses and a flannel onesie.

(Sung to the tune of “The Internationale, probably.):

On the first day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: a canceled insurance policy.

On the second day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the third day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the sixth day of Christmas Obama gave to me: six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: seven bows to fascists, six Cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: eight crony bailouts, seven bows to fascists, six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: nine Congressional subpoenas, eight crony bailouts, seven bows to fascists, six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the 10th day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: 10 Holder perjuries, nine Congressional subpoenas, eight crony bailouts, seven bows to fascists, six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the 11th day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: 11 death panels, 10 Holder perjuries, nine Congressional subpoenas, eight crony bailouts, seven bows to fascists, six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the 12th day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: 12 unlawful gun grabs, 11 death panels, 10 Holder perjuries, nine Congressional subpoenas, eight crony bailouts, seven bows to fascists, six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

Merry Christmas.

–Ben Crystal

Personal Liberty

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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