Ben Crystal’s Guide to Liberal-Watching

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As another winter of our discontent slowly releases the icy grip which not even “global warming” could break, spring has sprung across America. While the season might turn a young man’s thoughts of fancy to love; from the lobbyists’ offices on K Street in Washington to the Bureau of Land Management SWAT team armories of the desert Southwest, Democrats, their moneyed special interest masters and their jackbooted muscle maintain their dead-eyed predator’s stare in the bright days of spring. Joining them in the light is nearly every liberal who can slither, crawl or scurry.

Rather than draw the curtains and wait for another record-cold winter to silence the cacophony of Democrats’ en masse, I’ve put together a little primer to help you not only appreciate the flora, fauna and fungus you’re likely to encounter in the great outdoors.

In the grand tradition of Roger Tory Peterson, I proudly present: A field guide to liberals.

The Black-ish Flamingo (Barack Obama)

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Plumage: Cavalli dresses (female), bike helmets, mom jeans (male)

Call: “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan”

Habitat: Washington, D.C.; Bill Ayers’ living room; Jeremiah Wright’s “church” (front pew – non-election years only).

Virtually unknown before the 2000s, B. Obama has become one of the most prominent liberal species in existence; despite an almost complete dearth of significant accomplishments. Of somewhat murky origins, B. Obama tends to adopt the speech patterns and mannerisms of the dominant species in attendance. B. Obama is oddly ungainly in both thought and deed; but will still attempt to engage in physical and political activities well beyond its meager abilities.

Examples: President Barack Obama, Michelle Obama

Ben’s Fun Facts: B. Obama throws like a girl.

The Gray-Topped Booby (Sociopathicus Corruptocraticus)

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Plumage: Tends toward suits which match its hair and demeanor. Pinched face. Oddly small head.

Call: “Koch Brothers!”

Habitat: Searchlight, Nev.; Washington, D.C.; West Virginia (formerly).

While extraordinarily hostile to other species, S. Corruptocraticus can be distracted by large piles of cash and/or parcels of developable real estate. Unidentified sources, purportedly from inside Bain Capital, have suggested S. Corruptocraticus has an unnatural predilection for pre-teen children.

Examples: Senator Harry Reid, Senator Robert Byrd (d. 2010)

Ben’s Fun Facts: S. Corruptocraticus is capable of arguing against itself.

The Colossal Flightless Turkey (Clintoniensis Benghazi)

Senate Foreign Relations Committee holds a hearing on Benghazi in Washington, DC

Plumage: Females: pantsuits, kankles. Males: dewlaps, gin blossoms.

Call: “What difference does it make?” (females) “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” “Hey, baby!” (males)

Habitat: Chappaqua, N.Y.; Washington, D.C.; Nevada brothels (rumored).

C. Benghazi is an odd species; in that once they’ve mated, the females and males want virtually nothing to do with each other. The females are noted for their vivid imaginations and extreme paranoia. The females also display an odd tendency to badly mimic the accents of whomever they’re with. The males are noted for an almost total lack of compunction. WARNING: the male C. Benghazi is extremely dangerous; and should never be allowed near chubby women without strict supervision. The male C. Benghazi is often confused for the now-extinct DrunkDrivicus Kennedy; an apex predator which once ranged from Hyannisport, Mass., to Palm Beach, Fla.

Examples: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton

Ben’s Fun Facts: C. Benghazi really DOESN’T know what the meaning of “is” is.

Shrieking Loon (LimousineLiberalis Hypocriticus)

President Obama speaks at the National Peace Officers Memorial Service

Plumage: Females: Botox®. Males: sunken eyes, insider trading allegations.

Habitat: Primarily blue States.

Known to build and live in exorbitantly luxurious dens while denying other species the opportunity to do the same. Female L. Hypocriticus tend to be bossy and hysterical; males tend to be aloof and creepy. Both females and males age oddly; in some cases developing either “frozen face” syndrome, or “fake-bake-itis,” which manifests in coat colors from “peach” to “blaze orange.”

Examples: House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi; Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel

Ben’s Fun Facts: Some females of the species lose the ability to blink as they age!

The Death Vulture (GunBanicus Parasiticus)

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Lady Gaga celebrate New Year's Eve in New York

Plumage: Neon cardboard, Birkenstocks, Permanently Outraged Expressions.

Call: “Guns Are Bad!” “It’s the NRA’s fault!”

Habitat: Social media sites, crime scenes.

Like all creatures which feed primarily on carrion, G. Parasiticus tends to hide in the shadows, and then pour into scenes of violence and death by the busloads. Prefers tragedies involving multiple casualties; especially if the victims are children. Is obsessed with a fictional villain to whom it refers as “Gun Violence.”

Examples: Piers Morgan, Michael Bloomberg.

Ben’s Fun Facts: G. Parasiticus believes firearms are actually evil, sentient beings!

The Media Parrott (Lapdogisis SockPuppeticus)

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney conducts his daily press briefing in the Brady Press Briefing Room of the White House in Washington, D.C. on December 12, 2013. He took questions about access for still photographers in the wake of the op-ed piece in the New York Times by Santiago Lyon, Vice President and Director of Photography at The Associated Press. UPI/Ron Sachs/Pool

Plumage: Skinny ties, hipster glasses.

Call: “Obamacare is working!”

Habitat: Newspaper offices, the MSNBC bathroom, Parents’ basement (blogger subspecies)

L. Sockpuppeticus combines extreme hostility to other species with an unusually compliant attitude when addressed by other liberals. Like many lower-order species, L. SockPuppeticus females tend to be larger and more aggressive than their male counterparts.

Examples: Rachel Maddow, Jay Carney

Ben’s Fun Facts: Scientists are still unsure of how L. SockPuppeticus reproduces.

The Climate Dodo (GlobalWarmiensis ManBearPig)

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Plumage: “Che’” T-shirt, dog-eared copy of Earth in the Balance

Call: “Global Cooling – er – Warming – er – Climate Change!”

Habitat: Sierra Club meetings, Whole Foods

Easily distinguished by its tendency to move in herds, G. ManBearPig will alter its “facts” to fit current circumstances. G. ManBearPig spends the bulk of its time blaming weather patterns on industry, “SUV’s” and/or former President George W. Bush. Alpha males have been known to produce “carbon footprints” larger than some commercial airliners.

Examples: Al Gore, Laurie David

Ben’s Fun Facts: G. ManBearPig cannot speak with its eyes open.

The Famous Jackass (Blowholus Hollyweirdius/Blowholus RockNRollus)

AFI Night at the Movies in Los Angeles

Plumage: Breast/cheek/chin implants. Sunglasses, even when indoors at night.

Call: “My movie is totally worth the $15/ticket!” “Republicans are stupid!” “Buy my new single!”

Habitat: Southern California, lower Manhattan, guest suites at fascist dictators’ palaces, the Hamptons (summer only); Park City, Utah., Aspen, Colo. (winter only)

Highly timid to the point of reclusiveness when alone, B. Hollyweirdus is almost never found in nature unless surrounded by extremely large and/or heavily armed entourages. Nearly all specimens suffer from a borderline obsessive condition with having better/nicer/flashier things than anyone else; and will spend the GNP of a mid-sized European nation to keep the people they pretend to support from getting within 10 feet of them. The average B. Hollyweirdius possesses an attention span roughly inversely proportional to the amount of attention it receives.

Examples: Cher, Sean Penn

Ben’s Fun Facts: Some B. Hollyweirdius are so filled with silicone that they’re not biodegradable!

The Pink-footed Peacock (Abortionista Barbiae)

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Plumage: Pink shoes, short skirts, heavy makeup.

Call: “Keep Abortion Legal!” “Check out my shoes!”

Habitat: Texas day spas, Upper East Side of Manhattan cocktail parties, Beverly Hills.

Don’t let the outward flash fool you; A. Barbiae is as ugly as sin on the inside. It is almost always surrounded by a flock of much less physically impressive females; many of whom will throw actual human excrement if the A. Barbiae is challenged. Noted for a homicidal hatred for other species’ offspring.

Examples: Texas State Senator Wendy Davis

Ben’s Fun Facts: A. Barbiae often wears feminine hygiene products for jewelry.

The Average Democrat (Voterius LowInformationii)

UPI Pictures of the Year 2012 Ð NEWS & FEATURES

Plumage: iPhone, Starbucks’ cup, low foreheads.

Call: “Free Mumia!” “We are the 99 percent.”

Habitat: Big Labor offices, hate group rallies, prison.

The pack animals of the left, V. LowInformationii will show up in large numbers at any gathering of liberals, even if they don’t understand the cause of meeting. Often violent, V. LowInformationii will destroy anything they deem upsetting; even if they just bought a soy latte’ in the same location. V. LowInformationii can be found wherever other liberal species’ roost; especially if free stuff is available to take and/or steal.

Examples: “Occupiers,” labor union thugs, Code Pink members

Ben’s Fun Facts: V. LowInformationii can – and will – defecate on command; especially on other people’s property.

Remember: liberals are fun to observe; but like any wild animals, they can be unpredictable. Safety first, kiddies!

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.