Wendy’s (Pretend) Wild Ride

I’ve noted in the past that I believe some of our dear Democratic friends choose partisanship over principle. I realize now that I might have undersold the depth of their perversion. It’s more accurate to say that partisanship is their principle. How else to explain the latest clown to jump out of the Democrats’ tiny little car? After all the scandals midwifed into existence by various Democrats’ seemingly reflexive dishonesty, we are now being asked — nay, commanded — to ignore the news that rising leftist star and Texas State Senator Wendy Davis (D-Kermit Gosnell’s fantasies) is almost as legitimate as the love child of President Barack Obama’s “composite girlfriend” and Senator Cory Booker (D-N.J.)’s imaginary pal “T-Bone.”

Davis is the political equivalent of a one-hit wonder. If not for the fact that she’s become the poster girl for the abortion industry (aka “Abortion Barbie”), she’d be little more than a local curiosity (“That State Legislator who wears the pink shoes”). Actually, if not for her full-throated and oddly single-minded support of one of the modern world’s last socially accepted acts of pure barbarism, she’d probably join her conservative sisters as fodder for the misogynist ramblings of the pay-cable comedy set.

But Davis loves abortion, so we’re supposed to overlook the fact that her resume might as well be printed on rainbow paper and include a job as a unicorn wrangler. In fact, the usual suspects on the political port side claim those of us who refuse to play patsy are no better than he-man woman-haters like Martin Bashir or Representative Jim Moran (D-Va.). According to the George Soros-financed, inexplicably tax-exempt hate group Think Progress, noticing Davis’ fabricated resume notes comes straight out of something they call the “classic sexist playbook.” According to Davis, the Dallas Morning News story that turned the spotlight of truth on Davis was actually a ploy by her Lone Star gubernatorial opponent, Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott.

Davis is a Democrat. Thus, she’s sticking to her story even after it’s been exposed as fiction. She’s a figment of her own imagination — or she’s a bona fide sociopath. Either way, calling her critics “sexist” is offensively stupid. I would add that the left wasted so many gender-bias bullets to protect Susan Rice, Hillary Clinton, Kathleen Sebelius, etc. that the ol’ slander-spewer is empty.

The Democrats are also missing a hidden danger here. At a time when the party leader’s credibility is headed south faster than Senator Bob Menendez (D-the Dominican Republic’s less postcard-y spots) on a Cialis bender and when Madame Clinton has already announced her 2016 Presidential bid, the Democrats are gambling that the majority of the electorate either can’t or won’t differentiate between party and principle. Betting the House, not to mention the Senate and White House, that most people are either that stupid or that cravenly partisan seems unwise.

And honestly, it’s bloody Texas. Davis was already running uphill. Her one-note campaign struggles mightily to raise cash from actual Texans. She recently boasted about her supposed $12 million pile, which includes funds raised by similarly anti-life Democratic hate groups like “Battleground Texas” (funds that are not earmarked for any particular candidate). And her 2013 cash-grubbing swing through the Lone Star State came up almost laughably short; Davis raked in a total of $857 from the six largest cities in the Rio Grande Valley. Contrast that paltry sum to the $34,426.35 she bagged in House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s hometown of San Francisco, or the $57,391.84 she pocketed in Manhattan. While I’m sure Davis enjoys rubbing elbows with the well-heeled limousine liberals at Nob Hill and Upper East Side wine-and-cheese gallery openings, her multimillionaire sugar daddies and mommies don’t vote in the Lone Star State.

As if the lying, the fabrications and the obvious disdain for her own home State aren’t enough, Davis has managed to choke herself on her fancy pink sneakers. As the scandal grew, Davis took to Twitter to attack Abbott.

Putting aside the fact that Abbott is not responsible for Davis’s tenuous relationship with the reality, I’m pretty sure he understands “struggle.” He’s been sitting in a wheelchair for 30 years. Moreover, unlike Davis’s purported “struggles,” the wheelchair isn’t imaginary.

He Really Hates Us

Less than a week before the Nation observed Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday, The New Yorker published a story about President Barack Obama. Editor David Remnick asked the obvious question about Obama’s abysmal approval ratings. Sitting in the shadow of King’s dream of a color-blind society that is united in harmony, Obama played the race card: “There’s no doubt that there’s some folks who just really dislike me because they don’t like the idea of a black President.”

Of course Obama played the race card. Excepting those occasions when the target is someone like Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, world-renowned surgeon Ben Carson or some other black person who demonstrated the temerity to allow their accomplishments to speak for themselves, the Democrats default to spurious accusations of racism faster than Texas State Senator Wendy “Abortion Barbie” Davis can shriek “war on women!”

I almost feel bad for our poor President. Facing public approval that is folding faster than Vice President Joe Biden playing Jeopardy!, Obama assumes his detractors must be motivated by what he calls racial animus. It has never occurred to him that his detractors might be motivated by myriad scandals that have come to define his tenure. In Obama’s mind, the Obamacare debacle, the Benghazi murders, unfettered National Security Agency spying on private citizens, politically motivated Internal Revenue Service harassment of innocent taxpayers, Fast and Furious gunrunning to narcoterrorists, and/or the arming of al-Qaida-affiliated Syrians are insufficient to explain the increasing disaffection Obama endures from the electorate.

What a shame that is — not just because it’s dishonest and crass, but because Obama’s tendency to blame racism for everything from political opposition to parking fines reveals a deeper (and actual) animus. This guy simply doesn’t like us.

And Obama is hardly alone. Late last week, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo fantasized about an Empire State free of people who believe in the sanctity of human life. “(C)onservatives who are right-to-life… have no place in the state of New York.” While New York, which has been hemorrhaging population to “red” States over the past few decades, has become increasingly inhospitable to non-liberals, it’s no California. In declaring pro-life citizens to be personae non gratae, Cuomo has essentially given the bum’s rush to the members of his electorate who recognize that there’s more to New York than Manhattan, the Hamptons and the Governor’s mansion. While Cuomo didn’t identify racism as a factor, there’s no mistaking his clear distaste for the millions of people who think life begins before you’re eligible for union membership.

This liberal hatred for the overwhelming majority of their fellow countrymen and women begs a question. In the case of Obama: What kind of man ascends to the highest office in the land despite absolutely despising half the population? For that matter, what kind of man would want to spend the loftiest moments in his career — indeed, his life — in a job that requires he interact with 150 million people (more like 190 million of late) whom he hates more than Martin Bashir (and pretty much every liberal) hates Sarah Palin?

I expect I can add that question to the miles-long list of questions to which Obama will never provide a satisfactory answer. I expect I can add that question to the miles-long list of questions about which Obama doesn’t care.

–Ben Crystal

Ready For Hillary

In the event that you live under a rock, have been trapped under something really heavy or are only just now returning from an all-expenses-paid, 5-star, 17-day getaway in a tropical paradise, I bring news. Hillary Clinton is officially running for President of the United States. Despite a resume that sports holes bigger than her Benghazi testimony, a 2008 Presidential bid that birthed the “birther” stories about now-President Barack Obama and a central role in one of the biggest foreign policy disasters ever to be denied by the Democrats, Madame Clinton is already the presumptive front-runner for the Democratic Party’s nod to handle the sizable cleanup job that will fall directly into Obama’s successor’s lap.

And the former Lady MacBeth of Little Rock is poised to continue her outstanding record of championing the cause of women everywhere.  Well, maybe not women everywhere. Women who struggle to lie convincingly under oath, think “it” makes a big difference, achieved notability without riding the coattails of a disbarred chubby-chaser and/or look like ladies need not apply.

And Hillary isn’t going to miss a chance to let her impressive accomplishments speak for themselves. She’s even offering collectibles. Want to book an early ticket on the Hillary 2016 campaign train? Let your friends know you’re all aboard with Hillary swag! There are “Ready for Hillary” bumper stickers. Slap one on your bailout-mobile today! If that bailout-mobile is a Chevy Volt, I’d recommend doing it right away; the stickers are not fireproof. If you’re looking for a handy-dandy vessel for your organically grown, cruelty-free, fair-trade, half-caff, triple soy latte, look no further than the Ready for Hillary Twitter Mug! Made (no doubt) from recycled hipster eyeglass frames with Libyan sand as an aggregate, the RFHTM (now that’s an acronym) comes emblazoned with the RFH logo, a picture of The Candidate getting outsmarted by a smartphone and even her curriculum vitae — lest you forget that Hillary Clinton was once considered a “hair icon.”

I don’t know about the rest of you. But, clearly, any man who thinks that being married to the Governor of Arkansas — the “FLOAR” item — isn’t qualification enough to answer the “red” phone at 3 a.m. must be fighting a war on women.

But Hillary is going to have to move some serious merchandise if she’s hoping to advance past the opening rounds of the 2016 Presidential tournament. While her own party’s nomination might be all but sewn up, the actual election is far from assured. Even against the backdrop of the so-called “Bridgegate” scandal, CNN’s latest 2016 Presidential poll shows Hillary losing to her barely more-conservative counterpart, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

And even without a clear front-runner on the opposite side, Hillary doesn’t exactly ring the electorate’s bells. According to a new poll by YouGov.com, Hillary is only the 10th most admired person in America.  Not only does she trail the top vote-getter, committed pro-lifer Pope Francis I, she trails former President George W. Bush. In fact, poor Candidate Hillary finished the poll staring at the prominent backside of talk radio host Rush Limbaugh — although, to be fair, Limbaugh is far more popular among Americans than Hillary. In a final insult, the man who can claim credit for pretty much every notch on Hillary’s career belt since the early 1970s — her husband and former President, Bill Clinton — finished well ahead of her, meaning that Americans prefer a sex-obsessed, disbarred perjurer to his shrieking harpy of a wife.

Granted, election 2016 is still a fair stretch into the future. There’s plenty of time for a conservative to emerge as a candidate who actually wants to unify the Nation torn asunder by Obama’s and Hillary’s incredibly divisive tenure. There’s also plenty of time for Hillary to get tangled up in another scandal. Hell, by this time next year, with more than 20 months still to go until the big dance, we might be discussing Hillary’s chances of clawing her way onto Vice President Joe Biden’s ticket.

At least she’ll have that coffee mug in which she can drown her sorrows.

–Ben Crystal

Dear Media:

Thanks. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, I offer to you my most profound gratitude. It took New Jersey Governor Chris Christie channeling the ghost of Tony Soprano to get you guys to come out against government corruption, but I’m not going to complain. Clearly, your intent in shrieking to the rafters about Christie’s politically motivated (by staffers, at least) cannonball into the deep end of the scandal pool stems entirely from a newfound belief that executives’ abusing their authority is beyond the pale, right?

Granted, pegging Christie for his involvement in a scheme to alter traffic patterns might not rise to the level of on-the-spot reporting about the corruption inherent in selling guns to narcoterrorists and then perjuring yourself in front of Congress about it; but it’s a start.

I’ll concede that sounding the alarm over a potential Presidential candidate getting tangled in inconveniencing commuters is no substitute for sounding the alarm over a President’s decision to abandon four citizens in some Libyan hellhole, but it’s a bit closer to actual journalism than the Democrats’ media normally wander.

Shouting across the rooftops of the world over gubernatorial meddling with one of the three driving routes between New Jersey and New York won’t un-tell all the lies we were fed over the multitrillion-dollar fraud still masquerading as Obamacare, but it beats cutting the story for a fun kicker about a singing cat.

And though giving the media version of a proctology exam to a political plan to turn the George Washington Bridge into an instant parking lot doesn’t reveal a disease as severe as a Presidential plan to turn the Internal Revenue Service and the National Security Agency into an Orwellian nightmare, it’s still a diagnosis — albeit as worthwhile as a chiropractic “adjustment” on a corpse.

Listen, I know it’s tough for you guys. You have to hear about scandals from someone who is actually paying attention. Then, you have to determine whether the scandal will affect the political elite for whom you work. Then, you have to find out how they want the story covered, if at all. And — with notably few exceptions — you have to rely on the starry-eyed neophytes, self-important hacks and/or talking hairdos to actually report the story. So maybe you missed a few major scandals that might normally have sent a Presidency to the bottom of a Hawaiian lagoon (covertly selling guns to al-Qaida within a year or two of whacking its leader comes to mind); you’re a bunch of epileptic Neanderthals trying to conduct surgery in the Superdome. At least you’re trying, right?

Now, I know some people think you’re only gnawing on Christie’s “bridgegate” scandal because the Democrats hope “bridgegate” will sink Christie’s alleged Presidential campaign before he can steer it out of the harbor. If they’re right, then you media types are nothing more than paid button men for the Democratic crime family. Given that Christie is the political equivalent of Hillary Clinton in a slightly less-well-tailored pantsuit, I’m actually fine with that, as well.

–Ben Crystal

Mom Knows Best

Like any good son, I call my mother every week. I sit through the usual litany of complaints about how I don’t call enough, I don’t visit enough, three dogs are a poor substitute for even one grandchild, and my brother’s kids are perfect but that doesn’t mean that I’m off the hook and she’s not getting any younger, you know, and it would be nice to have one more baby to play with before she’s too old to enjoy it and by the way, I’m not getting any younger, either.

Sometimes, Mom gives me both barrels. Take last Sunday. Following the aforementioned golden oldies, Mom turned to a topic that disappoints her more than I ever could have: politicians. She bemoaned new New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio’s bizarre inauguration, surmising it might have been the most embarrassing few hours of television in history. “You can count the seconds until someone hints at redistributing wealth,” said Mom. I murmured my assent, blundering into her trap. “If you agree, then why don’t you say more about it?” she asked. “In fact, there’s a lot about (President Barack) Obama you could say, but don’t.”

She’s right. All right, Mom. Here you go:

Obamacare is the biggest fraud in human history. You just can’t say that enough. The lone benefit Obamacare actually offers is that it reveals the Democrats’ absolute obedience to politics over people. Obama has lied about virtually everything related to his signature “achievement.” Yet the Democrats are still desperately trying to impose it on a Nation that never wanted it to begin with. Imagine if Bernie Madoff had had the Internal Revenue Service on his payroll, forcing unwilling victims into his scam at gunpoint while exempting his accomplices. That’s Obamacare.

The Obamacare disaster is just getting started. Just less than a year from now, the so-called “employer mandate” delay will expire. Even with enrollment figures dramatically lower than promised, Obamacare fell on its face at the starting line like its shoes were tied together. Imagine the hijinks come this time next year, when a few million new victims are forced into the queue.

Obama’s friends are serious creeps. Granted, everyone has a friend or relative who makes them cringe from time to time. I’m willing to acknowledge that I’m probably that guy for a couple of folks. But I can’t help but notice that Obama doesn’t appear to have any associates who don’t give even the moodiest loner ever to buy a black overcoat a case of the willies. Of course, there’s homicidal terrorist Bill Ayers, racist flamethrower Jeremiah Wright and whichever ACORN thugs missed the audition for Jerry Springer’s next pay-per-view extravaganza. But there’s also his big-dollar bundler and current prison inmate Tony Rezko, Islamofascist and terrorist sympathizer Ingrid Mattson, convicted check-kiter and Illinois Democrat heavyweight Robert Creamer, head Service Employees International Union thug Andy Stern and even Charles Manson superfan Bernadine Dohrn. There are movie villains who hang out with less spooky sidekicks.

Under Obama, the United States is a state sponsor of terrorism. Remember last year, when Russian President Vladimir Putin turned Obama into punching bag over Syria? Well, what disappeared behind the bear’s brutal beatdown of Barry O. was the origin of some of the weapons being wielded by the Islamofascists fighting to take control of Syria from other Islamofascists. President Peace Prize took the U.S. from 9/11 to selling guns to al-Qaida in just more than a decade. Some of the weapons the al-Qaida-linked Syrians are playing with came from a U.S. controlled stash in Benghazi, Libya. No wonder the Benghazi victims’ pleas for help were ignored. Must have coincided with a shipment date.

Obama and his minions are inveterate liars. These guys seriously make the Freemasons look like Wikipedia. What happened to his promise of transparency? We’ll have to pass it to see what’s in it. We can keep our doctors/plans/lives. Pretty much everything Attorney General Eric Holder has ever said out loud. Pretty much everything Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius has ever said out loud. Pretty much everything White House Press Secretary Jay Carney has ever said out loud. I’m still waiting for someone to tell us what exactly Obama was doing while the Benghazi Four were being murdered and why exactly the Benghazi Four weren’t rescued. Maybe we can find the answers we’re looking for on YouTube.

Of course, this list could be much, much longer. I hope you’re happy, Mom.

–Ben Crystal

The Costs Of Global Warming

Here at Personal Liberty, we make fun of the pseudoscience carnival ride that is so-called “global warming” on a fairly regular basis. Like my colleagues here and throughout the rest of the non-lapdog media, I enjoy a good laugh at the expense of the biggest cult in operation as much as the next guy.

After all, what’s not funny about a theory that needs a boost to see over trephining, phrenology and the belief that the moon is made of green cheese? In a purely rhetorical sense, global warming is bloody hilarious. If anyone else can come up with a theory that has required no fewer than four name changes since its invention just to keep up with actual weather patterns and yet remains a significant driving force in geopolitics, I’d sure get a kick out of hearing it.

The real cost of global warming goes well beyond the usual annoyances — such as giving liberals another reason to talk with their eyes closed at their wine-and-cheese parties, whine about SUV emissions while their private jet cruises at 33,000 feet and bark at Middle America from the red carpet at the Oscars while wearing enough jewelry to send an average family’s kids to college.

Global warming costs us all billions of dollars annually. Global warming jacks up your utility prices, thanks to the regulatory and tax burdens placed on the energy industry. Ask anyone with so much as a peripheral connection to the coal industry how much fun global warmists can be. Global warming skims a layer of cash off the top of the taxpayers’ till through treaty obligations and Federal study programs. According to a recent report submitted to the United Nations by our State Department, the United States has spent upward of $7 billion on global warming studies in other countries in the past three years. And global warming pollutes the airwaves and consumes bandwidth with every “news” report on the plight of the endangered arctic spiny snail darter (or whatever).

Sometimes, global warming exacts a real human cost beyond even forcing the rest of us to endure the continued celebrity of people like Al Gore. Last week, the world sat transfixed by the plight of the Russian ship Akademik Shokalskiy. It seems the good ship, loaded with a full complement of wide-eyed global warmists, found itself in a bit of a frozen pickle. While retracing the 1912 voyage of Sir Douglas Mawson, the Akademik Shokalskiy got stuck in pack ice not far from the coast of Antarctica. Lest you think the irony of global warmists trapped in ice they’d been told didn’t exist isn’t enough of a howler, consider the following image:

tundra0106

That’s a photograph of Commonwealth Bay, Antarctica. It was taken in 1912, decades before even global warming’s previous incarnation “global cooling” had been invented. In fact, it was taken almost 112 years to the day before the Akademik Shokalskiy sailed into the exact same harbor. You’ll notice the January 1912 edition of Commonwealth Bay is relatively ice-free. Fast-forward a little more than a century and not only is the harbor icier than whatever flows through Hillary Clinton’s veins, but the whole continent’s ice has increased to its highest level in 35 years.

One might think even someone on a boat full of global warmists might have bothered to at least check the actual weather forecast. As the cast and crew of the Akademik Shokalskiy discovered the hard way, global warmist icons like Gore make the perky morning weather gal on a small-market community public access channel look like the Oracle at Delphi. And yet, there they were, desperately awaiting rescue from one ice-bound ship after another. The whole saga took a few days to unfold, as ship after ship ran into the same subzero conditions.

Closer to home, the San Francisco 49ers beat the Green Bay Packers in an NFL playoff game that made even the legendary quote about “the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field” seem like an understatement, against the backdrop of a winter storm that delivered subzero temperatures in record numbers to a wide swath of the North American continent. If this global warming keeps up, we might all freeze to death.

–Ben Crystal

It Was A Very Bad Year

If I were coming off as miserable a year as the one President Barack Obama and his Democratic accomplices endured in 2013, I suppose I might try some wild stunts to distract the increasingly unhappy electorate. Hell, if my 2013 had been as bad as Obama’s, I’d be almost desperate to turn my New Year’s frown upside-down. My own 2013 wasn’t all that bad — especially compared to the one through which Obama and his horde long-marched. Of course, I didn’t follow up an electoral victory by sticking my thumb in the eyes of 300 million people. But even if I’d taken it on the chin like Obama did throughout 2013, I doubt I would have tried to distract people from the Obamacare scandal by bringing back the other worst disaster of my tenure.

And yet, the once-respectable New York Times hit newsstands Sunday morning with a rehashing of the Benghazi tale that makes Obama’s previous fumbling of that disaster look Swiss-watch precise. According to David Kirkpatrick’s “reporting” in “A Deadly Mix in Benghazi,” the attack on the U.S. compound in Benghazi, Libya, which resulted in the Islamofascist murder of four Americans, was the result of a previously unknown YouTube video, after all.

The Times tale itself stops just short of Jayson Blair-esque journalistic fraud. In weaving his fable, Kirkpatrick proffers:

… interviews with Libyans in Benghazi who had direct knowledge of the attack there and its context, turned up no evidence that Al Qaeda or other international terrorist groups had any role in the assault.

In order to have “direct knowledge of the attack there and its context” in advance, Kirkpatrick’s sources would have been party to it. In essence, Kirkpatrick balances his case on accomplice testimony, the journalistic equivalent of: “Akbar, the Jihadi, didn’t do it; because Ahmad, the Jihadi, said so.” Kirkpatrick later claims “… on Sept. 8, a popular Islamist preacher lit the fuse by screening (The infamous YouTube video) on the ultraconservative Egyptian satellite channel El Nas” in an effort to bolster the rehashed “YouTube made them do it” claim. Perhaps his editors missed this contradictory note in the very next chapter:

“Security vacuum,” Ambassador Stevens wrote in his personal diary on Sept. 6… “Islamist ‘hit list’ in Benghazi. Me targeted on a prominent website…”

If the YouTube video (which Stevens never mentioned in his pre-attack security cables) were to blame, then how did Stevens know about the threat two days before the attackers even had a chance to see the infamous video?

The fact that The Times chose to run a “report” that contained the already-debunked YouTube nonsense, a lie that cost National Security Adviser Susan Rice her shot at the Secretary of State gig vacated by the equally dishonest Hillary Clinton, is nowhere near as interesting as the timing of the rotting “Gray Lady’s” exhumation of already-debunked talking points.

At this moment, Obama is polling only slightly more better than a transvestite Hillary 2016 volunteer singing Lady Gaga at a Northern Idaho truck stop. His declining status among the electorate can be easily traced to the absolute train wreck that is Obamacare. “A Deadly Mix in Benghazi” is a joke, but nowhere near as funny as the fact that the best distraction from Obamacare the left could conjure up is a disaster like Benghazi.

But if protecting Obama’s multimillion-dollar fraud doesn’t seem like a good enough reason for The Times to pimp its front page, that’s because it probably isn’t. The ferocity with which the Democrats have latched onto The Times’ fictionalization of the Benghazi events belies more than their usual partisan rancor over Obamacare. Indeed, the multi-car pileup that is Obamacare will play a big role in this fall’s midterm Congressional elections. And the all-but-decided ascension of Clinton to the Democrat’s 2016 nomination will require at least as much cover as Obama and his Congressional Democrat accomplices need this year.

If Obama and the Democrats thought 2013 was a tough slog, then 2014 might as well be a climb up Mount Everest in bedroom slippers. By having The Times remind everyone of the Benghazi scandal, they’ve merely added more weight to their already-heavy pack. Good luck, Mr. President. You’re going to need it.

No Gift For The Holidays

Last week, as the rest of us roasted chestnuts by an open fire, posed for the obligatorily horrendous Christmas sweater family photos or spiked the eggnog at the office Christmas party, President Barack Obama donned his best Santa suit and took to the skies to wing westward for a 17-day vacation in Hawaii. On his way, he did manage to airdrop a present to us, his beknighted minions.

At least, that’s how Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol (no relation) saw it. During the Standard’s weekly podcast with Michael Graham, Kristol suggested Obama’s latest casual acknowledgement that his crowning achievement — the bureaucratic Frankenstein’s monster that is Obamacare — is little more than a really poorly constructed and implemented game of three-card monte.

According to Kristol, by offering yet another extension to the sign-up date for Obamacare, “President Obama has given us a gift.” Graham went so far as to describe Obamacare’s tragicomic failure as a “wonderful gift that President Obama has given us of seeing how wildly the wheels can come off.”

Now, I suppose the mirthful types can find the political benefit in Obama’s refusal to back off his gross overstepping of the Constitutional limits of executive authority. Clearly, his dedication to Obamacare has cost the Democrats dearly. The American people, who are never as stupid as the Democrats think they are, have turned their backs on Obama in record numbers. And their distaste for his Democratic accomplices is even more pronounced. Presuming you join Kristol, Graham and the rest of the neocons in considering the failure of the biggest swindle in human history a “gift,” then you’re probably looking at the Obamacare blowback as a big box with a big bow under a big tree.

And this is where I have to leap from the neocon sleigh. Obamacare may well prove to be the anchor that drags the Democrats under in 2014. It may even sink the S.S. Hillary Clinton 2016. But Obamacare is not a “gift.” I may not have the right rose tinting in my glasses; but I could never regard a deliberate, Presidentially approved scam as a “gift.” Perhaps Kristol has spent too much time inside the Beltway, but it worries me when I hear our neocon pals cheer the failure of a boondoggle like Obamacare. I understand that they tend to view all political discourse in the context of a scoreboard. If Obamacare goes under, then the GOP wins points with the disaffected electorate; and that may translate to Congressional seats. However, there’s a major flaw in that logic.

In order for the GOP to “win” on Obamacare, someone has to lose. And Obama won’t be the only one who suffers. Obamacare passed. It passed under fraudulent circumstances, which ought to render it as null and void as virtually everything Obama’s appointees have said under oath; but it passed. Kristol’s logic demands that we celebrate it as a “gift.” But millions of Americans were forced at proverbial gunpoint to suffer mightily in order for us to learn that Obama is a liar and his crowning legislative achievement is a criminal enterprise.

Kristol is a smart man. I’d prefer having him fight against Obamacare than fight for it. But those who treat Democratic disasters as “gifts” have forgotten that politics isn’t actually a game and that winning shouldn’t be the only goal of a political party. That’s the sort of “win at all costs” logic that delivers weak standard-bearers like Senator John McCain, Mitt Romney and the whole RINO herd.

In the case of Obamacare, the GOP may well “win.” But every productive American had to endure the governmental version of a mugging. Sure, we got a good description of mugger (he was tall, skinny and had ears like satellite dishes); but we got mugged. The “gift” would have entailed us not getting mugged.

Of course, I hope the Democrats take it in the teeth in 2014, 2016 and beyond. Since Obamacare exists, I hope it becomes the millstone that chokes out liberalism like an MMA champion finishing off the salutatorian of a junior high school karate class. But let’s not forget: Obamacare is no gift. And those who are willing to cheer it as such in order to win elections forget the millions of Americans whose holidays Obamacare ruined.

–Ben Crystal

New Year’s With The President

By the time you read this, 2014 will be banging on the door like a government storm trooper trying to serve an arrest warrant for removing your home from the power grid. The arrival of a new year often brings not only a chance to reflect on the year that just ducked out the back door, but also to make the usual empty promises we call “New Year’s resolutions.” The average person who bothers tends toward the rote. “This is the year I: quit smoking, lose the weight, cut back on the sauce, finish (insert as-yet-incomplete home improvement project here) and/or become slightly less of a TV-entranced couch potato.” For some people the resolutions might be more ambitious: “This is the year I: start my own business, marry my dream girl, retire and/or become slightly less of a TV-entranced couch potato.”

Being the ruminative sort, I considered the New Year’s resolutions President Barack Obama might make were he the resolution-making sort. I wondered: Would he resolve to come clean about the myriad scandals, disgraces and outright fraud that have marked his Administration like an oversized cattle brand? Perhaps he might resolve to stop treating the Bill of Rights like off-brand toilet paper. He might even resolve to spend less time playing celebrity fun-time in Vegas while Americans die in Libya. But those are the sort of resolutions a man capable of introspection might make. Even a cursory examination of Obama’s tenure thus far reveals a man who not only believes his own cult of personality, but believes in it.

Obama would never make a New Year’s resolution, because a man who can lie that easily about even mundane things (that skeet-shooting picture looked as uncomfortable as Eric Holder driving back across the border after a weekend in Juarez) would never think he had any resolutions to make. The logical next question follows like rape charges after an “Occupy” riot: What resolutions would I want Obama to make?

Sure, I’d like him to resolve to admit that Obamacare is a clumsily executed racket. I’d love to hear him resolve to cough up a few seconds of honesty about something (anything!). Hell, I’d even settle for an Obama resolution to stop wearing “mom jeans” on his bike rides. Isn’t this guy friends with Jay-Z? You know Jay-Z is way too baller for “mom jeans,” yo. But there’s actually only one resolution with which I’d like Barack Obama to kick off 2014: “I, Barack Obama, do hereby resign the Office of the President of the United States; effective immediately.”

Now that would be a happy New Year, indeed.

–Ben Crystal

The Reality Of Obamacare

Guess what, kiddies? While most of the civilized world focused its attention on the seismic repercussions of someone on so-called “reality television” saying something someone else finds objectionable, something far more important occurred just outside the duck blind that is the average American’s attention span.

Now, I’m not dismissing the weird saga of Phil Robertson and A&E as being entirely devoid of interest. It’s just that I’m not really a fan of the whole “reality” genre — partially because I know most of those shows are almost as “real” as your average daytime soap opera, and partially because I believe that “reality” programming jumped the proverbial shark the day Bob Barker retired from the “Price is Right.”  Did you ever see some suburban housewife win the fabulous dinette set in a game of “Plinko” and then do everything short of the “Thriller” dance onstage? That was genuine emotion. But Phil Robertson got fired after an outcry by people who think Bill Maher is highbrow entertainment. Call me when liberals do something that isn’t hypocritical and when reality television actually surpasses tyranny, domestic spying and war in importance.

Meanwhile, back in the Nation’s cesspool capitol, another nail was driven into Obamacare’s coffin. Already exposed as the biggest fraud in human history, Obamacare suffered another crippling blow on Dec. 19, and this wound was self-inflicted. The Department of Health and Human Services announced a partial delay in the individual mandate portion of the massive government overreach.

This delay affects the millions of Americans whose policies were canceled by Obamacare’s ludicrous regulations. In granting it, Obama is re-acknowledging that his “if you like your health care plan, you can keep it” promise was an outright lie. And he’s acknowledging that Obamacare’s central promised tenet — that it guarantees immediately superior healthcare for all — is just as fraudulent. Moreover, in granting the delay by fiat, Obama has once again violated the Constitutionally guaranteed separation of powers. Obama has developed a disturbing habit of forgetting that matters involving dispensation of the people’s dollars requires input from Congress. Of course, Obama has also been forgetful of involving Congress on matters involving selling guns to al-Qaida and mass executions by drones, so perhaps Congress should be thankful he doesn’t involve them more. People whom Obama views as opponents experience an oddly short life span. Nonetheless, in ordering the delay, Obama has acknowledged that he lied about the central tenets of Obamacare and that the delay was necessary at all.

Most interesting of all was Obama’s attempt at spinning his decision, accidentally repudiating his own signature achievement in the process. Obama claimed in a Friday presser that the exemptions — which already include Federal staffers, union thugs, Democratic cronies and the President himself — “don’t go to the core of the law.” I must admit: I admire his moxie. That kind of straight-faced mendacity is a virtual art form. Without the already — and unilaterally — suspended employer mandate, the only core of Obamacare that still existed was the individual mandate. In one ill-considered remark, Obama eliminated the only remaining reason for Obamacare to exist. Among the things Obama didn’t admit: The newest round of escapees from Obamacare’s healthcare gulag will add an even greater burden to the already-faltering taxpayers who can least afford to bear it.

But seriously, let’s keep losing our collective cookies every time some slice of the professional victim class gets a burr under their saddle over something someone said on reality television. The mere existence of “Duck Dynasty” proves that something about Robertson resonates with a great many people. In fact, the ratings would indicate more people like Robertson than every single cable newscast combined. But the entire cable lineup can’t touch the number of people who have been forced at gunpoint to play victim to Obamacare.

–Ben Crystal

Christmas Fun With Obama

So the questionably tax-exempt hate group formerly known as “Obama 2012” suggested big fun this Christmas. Instead of sitting around a crackling fire, holding steaming mugs of hot chocolate and opening presents to the soundtrack of the Pandora Christmas channel and Dad cursing under his breath about how difficult it was to put that bike together, Organizing for Action says we should all #GetTalking about enrolling in Obamacare. The group even produced a supremely creepy visual aid featuring a dude who looks oddly like a flannel-onesie-clad Screech from the old “Saved By the Bell” TV show to inspire us.

I suppose we could turn everyone’s favorite family morning into a roundtable discussion on how lucky we are to be the victims of the biggest fraud in human history, but that sounds about as fun as celebrating the Winter Solstice with Patchouli Pete and hairy-legged Mary at the local Atheists of America Annual Cruelty-Free Vegan Chili Cook-off and Richard Dawkins Lookalike Contest. Besides, we could never get the stink out of our matching sweaters.

But we can get political, and we can do it without sacrificing Christmas cheer. And I’m going to help. Just sing along with this jaunty little jingle and satisfy the whole family — even your daughter’s deadbeat boyfriend, the one who looks like Screech in hipster doofus glasses and a flannel onesie.

(Sung to the tune of “The Internationale, probably.):

On the first day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: a canceled insurance policy.

On the second day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the third day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the sixth day of Christmas Obama gave to me: six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: seven bows to fascists, six Cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: eight crony bailouts, seven bows to fascists, six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: nine Congressional subpoenas, eight crony bailouts, seven bows to fascists, six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the 10th day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: 10 Holder perjuries, nine Congressional subpoenas, eight crony bailouts, seven bows to fascists, six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the 11th day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: 11 death panels, 10 Holder perjuries, nine Congressional subpoenas, eight crony bailouts, seven bows to fascists, six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

On the 12th day of Christmas, Obama gave to me: 12 unlawful gun grabs, 11 death panels, 10 Holder perjuries, nine Congressional subpoenas, eight crony bailouts, seven bows to fascists, six cabinet liars, MORE HILLARY! Four Benghazi victims, three illegal wiretaps, two dead border agents and a canceled insurance policy.

Merry Christmas.

–Ben Crystal

A Majority Of Fools

By the time President George W. Bush had finished his second term in office, the same voters who had re-elected him had tired of him in then-record fashion. With the exception of the Watergate-befouled latter years of President Richard Nixon’s second term, one needed to search back to the dark days of the stock market crash of 1929, the Great Depression and “Hoovervilles” to find a chief executive the electorate disliked as much as “W.” Of course, the Democrats and their corporate media lapdogs played up Bush’s unpopularity as often — and as loudly — as a “tween” girl who just downloaded the new One Direction single.

When Bush finally pulled up his Presidential stakes, his approval ratings were mired in the low-30s, including a slight bump upward from the 25 percent number he scored at the same moment President Barack Obama won the 2008 election. Despite murky political origins and a backstory that featured holes large enough for Michael Moore to waddle through, Obama rode into the Oval Office on a wave of “hope and change.” Obama’s approval rating on Jan. 23, 2009, was a gaudy 68 percent.

Bush’s extreme lack of popularity created a “negative coattails” effect in advance of Obama’s miraculous ascension. Obama took the executive reins bolstered by a Democratic majority in both the House and Senate. Nothing but smooth sailing lay ahead for the liberals.

Yet despite a seemingly unbreakable hold on the American political rudder, the Democrats managed to founder the ship of state. An incredibly badly planned bailout of the auto industry cost the taxpayers billions of dollars. Sketchy loans in the nine- and 10-figure range disappeared into fly-by-night rackets run by Obama’s cronies. Obama attacked the coal industry, Boeing and even Gibson Guitars with regulatory gestapo tactics. He deployed the National Security Agency and the Internal Revenue Service against his political opponents in almost Stalinist fashion. And of course, he reanimated “Hillarycare” as “Obamacare,” forcing Americans to endure what is indubitably the biggest and dumbest fraud in human history.

Obama’s pursuit of his own political utopia at the expense of virtually everyone else on the planet sent the economy into a further tailspin. His virtually unprecedented incompetence in the foreign affairs arena made Bush seem Disraeli-esque. And back on the home front, he turned the 68 percent approval he enjoyed on his first day in office into 43 percent. By comparison, Bush finished off the first year of his second term at 47 percent.

Granted, the self-destruction of Obama’s veneer of feigned competence during his first two years in office cost the Democrats control of the House; but national polls still indicated a distrust of Republicans. The Democrats, led by Obama, had a majority. And according to Democrat logic, circa the Senate Democrats’ recent murder of the filibuster, a majority translates to unfettered freedom to do anything — up to and including the failing Obamacare fraud.

Presuming the Democrats are correct in believing that a majority trumps everything, then I have some very bad news for Obama, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and the wire-pullers, corruptocrats and outright criminals who run the portside party: You’re done. Finished. Kaput. Sh*t-canned.

As of this moment, Obama has the approval of only 43 percent of his employers. That’s 4 points worse than Bush at the same point in his Presidency. That’s actually 1 point better than Obama’s polling solely on the economy. That’s 9 points better than the rating sported by Congressional Democrats. As the Democrats are fond of reminding us, Bush’s second term was the political equivalent of a BASE jump without a parachute. So I suggest we learn from our mistakes. Since Obama is even worse than Bush, why prolong the fall?

Come to think of it, the Republicans have done such a grand job of almost standing up to Obama and his accomplices on everything from profligate spending to personal privacy, they’re polling as poorly as the Democrats. Someone tell Obama to pick up Speaker of the House John Boehner, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, Congressman Paul Ryan and the rest of the spineless ninnies who prove with every idiotic “compromise” that they’re essentially interchangeable with their supposed opponents. I’m sure he has room for them on Air Force One.

I am well aware that governing by poll numbers is a poor substitute for governing by principle. But the current political elite either don’t or won’t understand the difference. They wanted a simple majority rule. Let’s give it to them. Pink slips all around!

–Ben Crystal

Obamacare Gets Worse

I didn’t really need another reason to deplore Obamacare. The almost daily litany of fraud and failure, from the Oval Office to the Healthcare.gov programmers who apparently got their IT training from the back of a matchbook, has taken my confidence in Obamacare out behind the barn and put a bullet it in its head. Nonetheless, President Barack Obama’s signature achievement coughed up more reminders late last week that it would probably work just as well had it been implemented by whoever writes all those kicky one-liners for Vice President Joe Biden.

As it turns out, the incredibly lucky few Americans who have managed to navigate the byzantine Obamacare enrollment process might not be so lucky after all. Washington Post reporter Sarah Kliff posted a story delivering all-new bad news for nearly 15,000 applicants who beat the odds, error messages and web glitches for a spot on the business end of a scam that makes the average Ponzi scheme look like a Faraday cage full of Krugerrands. Their Herculean display of endurance was all for naught. Somewhere between Healthcare.gov and the insurer from which they planned to purchase coverage, their information fell down the memory hole. What’s worse, thanks to one of the many peculiarities of the Obamacare disaster, the Federal government has only a general idea of how many applications disappeared into the data gulag; they don’t have any idea who those 15,000 or so taxpayers might actually be. Since the poor saps who stood in the digital line for this legislative crap sandwich can’t be warned, they may not know they’re in violation of Obamacare’s regulations until they get fined. That’s Federally mandated “double secret probation.”

But wait; the hijinks don’t end there. One of the Democrats’ favorite defenses of Obamacare involves blaming the States that refused to set up their own exchanges for complicating the system. By itself, that’s the logical equivalent of blaming a convenience store for hurting tax revenue by not selling lottery tickets. The State of Washington did set up its own exchange: Washington Healthplanfinder. And it works almost as well as everything else connected to Obamacare. The site, which is routinely down, has reportedly begun debiting some customers’ bank accounts on the wrong dates, creating even more severe financial hardships for people already victimized by the cancellation notices, premium hikes and provider restrictions Obama promised would never be a part of Obamacare. Others report that the system has double-charged them. Unfortunately, they can’t contact the State for relief because that would require going through the site, which doesn’t work. According to a report by Seattle’s KING 5 News, one family had to resort to posting a complaint on the Healthplanfinder’s Facebook page following the failure of both the website and the telephone helpline.

The Pulitzer Prize-winning fact-checking website PolitiFact.com announced last week that Obama’s infamous “If you like your health care plan, you can keep it” promise had earned its dubious “Lie of the Year” honor. In “winning” the award, the statement outran other Obamacare nuggets, including Obama’s almost comically ridiculous: “What we said was, you can keep (your plan) if it hasn’t changed since the law passed.” “Pants on fire!” was the tag PolitiFact gave that whopper.

These latest horror stories, combined with the insane asylum’s worth of nightmares that Obamacare has already thrust upon us, force me to ask one question: Why the hell do we still have Obamacare? I’m aware the Democrats consider the survival of Obamacare, from which they’ve conveniently exempted most of themselves, more important than life itself. But I’m seriously perplexed as to how we’re still having a national discussion about a clumsily executed enterprise that is as unpopular as the man for whom it’s named.

Not long ago, I joked that if a private citizen were to try to defraud a few hundred million people out of more than $2 trillion, he’d be facing hard time in a Federal penitentiary. I now realize I erred. If someone tried a scam as embarrassingly inept as Obamacare, we wouldn’t lock him up; we’d laugh him off the porch. With the government behind him, Obama didn’t bother to wait on the porch. He’s downstairs, stealing the Krugerrands from the Faraday cage.

–Ben Crystal

Funeral Disservice

No matter what your opinion of Nelson Mandela, you can’t argue that he was super-duper famous. His funeral was the biggest-ticket event of year. Nearly 100 heads of state jostled with truly important people such as Bono and Oprah Winfrey for face time at the former South African president’s memorial service and celebrity gala. If a man’s measure can be taken by his funeral, then Mandela leaves the world with a gaping hole in its A-list photo ops that not even Jay-Z can fill.

President Barack Obama attended. It’s difficult to tell if he knew much about Mandela beyond some study packet provided by his minions; he spent much of his time snapping jocular “selfies” and generally having a grand old time. He did deliver a speech that touched on his usual themes of blaming wealthy people (other than he and his cronies, of course) for the plight of the poor and disenfranchised (other than the people of Detroit and Washington, D.C.). During his turn on the main stage, Obama also exhorted the assembled thusly: “Around the world today, men and women are still imprisoned for their political beliefs, and are still persecuted for what they look like, or how they worship, or who they love.” The irony of a President expressing such magnanimous concerns while illegally snooping on and/or using the Internal Revenue Service and Environmental Protection Agency to harass Americans who don’t share his politics was predictably lost on the cheering crowd and the fawning media.

Obama also made time to shake hands with murderous Cuban tyrant Raul Castro, another unfortunate moment which Obama’s cheering section — an increasingly hard bunch to find within American borders — thought worthy of praise instead of deserving of scorn. At least Senator Ted Cruz was there to represent the Americans who actually oppose tyranny; he pointedly walked out on Castro’s own oration.

Not all the proceedings were marked by the usual preening. The E! Network didn’t have some washed-up comedienne stationed out front of the venue, asking the attendees about their wardrobe choices. In at least two instances, the festivities took a decidedly less festive tone. Boos and catcalls met the introduction of current South African President Jacob Zuma, who appears to be almost as unpopular in South Africa as Obama has become in the United States. Another round of boos reportedly rained down on former U.S. President George W. Bush when his face popped up on the Jumbotron. Apparently, the boobirds are unaware that Bush’s Global Health Initiative has probably done more to combat illness and suffering in Africa than any other entity on the planet — all without so much as a decent write-up in People magazine.

The global celebrity set wasn’t alone in bathing in the adulation. The cheering section came alive for Palestinian martinet Mahmoud Abbas and Mandela’s ex-wife, Winnie. Abbas is an Islamofascist who has built his career on the corpses of Israelis and Palestinians alike. Winnie Mandela is a convicted criminal. She’s a monstrous coattails passenger whose entourage of thugs and killers (known to the unfortunate residents of Soweto as the “Mandela United Football Club”) was notable for its use of “necklacing,” a particularly brutal method of execution involving tires, gasoline and a total lack of even basic humanity on the part of the perpetrator.

Nelson Mandela’s own legacy is, and will remain, a topic of significant debate. For the purposes of this column, however, his legacy is entirely immaterial — mostly because he’s dead. Let’s suspend disbelief for a moment and presume that Mandela was an outright saint. I hardly think a hero who believed in freedom and justice for everyone — regardless of race — would be all that pleased to see his admirers cheering those who have done the least for his people, while jeering those who have done the most.

–Ben Crystal

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!

Most of us first met President Barack Obama’s uncle, Onyango Obama, back in 2011. At the time, Onyango found himself in a scrape with the authorities in Framingham, Mass., following a drunken jaunt behind the wheel of his SUV. By the time Framingham’s finest managed to drag Uncle Onyango to the station, his blood alcohol level had subsided to a mere .14 — just a bit under double the legal limit. And then, the real fun began. As it turned out, not only was Uncle Onyango behind the wheel illegally, he was in the United States illegally. Much like the President’s Aunt Zeituni Onyango, who eventually “earned” asylum, Onyango Obama was an illegal alien.

These days, Onyango is still here, somehow securing his own stay of deportation despite his criminal record and the fact that he dodged immigration authorities for nearly two decades before the boys in blue popped him on the DUI charge. According to what little press coverage there has been on the wayward first uncle, Uncle Onyango told arresting officers that 2011 night, “I think I will call the White House.” It’s possible that was the booze talking; because the White House not only didn’t acknowledge taking Uncle Onyango’s call, but chief Barack Obama mouthpiece Jay Carney told reporters that his boss expected no special treatment for his drunken relative. In fact, the President did everything short of an extraordinary rendition to distance himself from his Uncle Onyango.

What confuses me is not that President Obama has an uncle who occasionally makes him wince. Onyango Obama is hardly the first first relative to flit across the headlines over the years. There is no “Uncle O’s Kenyan Lager” to compete with “Billy Beer.” The first daughters have never tried to buy hooch at the Gas’n’Go while their Secret Service detail lingered uncomfortably on the sidewalk. And I’m fairly certain Uncle Onyango hasn’t tried to lobby his nephew for any Presidential pardons for drug convictions.

What confuses me is why Barack Obama lied when asked about his Uncle Onyango’s adventures in driving. In November 2011, just a couple months after Onyango Obama’s arrest, the White House claimed the President had never met the uncle to whom he referred in one of his oddly premature memoirs as “Uncle Omar.” And then, last week, Uncle Onyango embarrassed his nephew again. According to Onyango Obama, the President lived with his uncle while a student at Harvard Law School. And the reason for the latest ever-changing story from the White House strains credulity to the breaking point. The Boston Globe reported:

On Thursday, a White House official said the press office had not fully researched the relationship between the president and his uncle before telling the Globe that they had no record of the two meeting. This time, the press office asked the president directly, which they had not done in 2011.

The Obama White House denied any meeting between the two men, without bothering to ask Obama. If you believe that, I have $30 million dollars waiting in Nairobi. Let me transfer it through your bank account, and I’ll give you 10 percent. Honest!

The truth is: Uncle Onyango hardly qualifies as all that big a deal. Nearly every family has a resident Uncle Onyango. Most of us simply keep him away from the liquor cabinet. If he’s particularly unappealing, we send him a lovely card at Christmastime and cross our fingers that he doesn’t roll into the driveway unannounced like Uncle Eddie from “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”

Most of us handle troublesome relatives that way, but not President Obama. Confronted with a vexing relative, Barack Obama automatically defaulted to dishonesty. Barack Obama lied. Barack Obama always lies. He lied about Obamacare. He lied about Benghazi. He lied about Operation Fast and Furious. He lied about raising taxes on the middle class. And he even lied about poor Uncle Onyango. If Barack Obama were just another liquor store clerk, his lying would be creepy and sad. But Barack Obama is the President of the United States. When Barack Obama lies, people die.

Drive-Thru Economics

It’s almost as if the left simply refuses to comprehend it, despite its simplicity. Americans will not pay more for the borderline-toxic trimmings and unidentifiable animal parts that we call “fast food.”

Liberals can kick up all the dust they want over the fast food industry’s average hourly wage of 8 bucks or so. They can demand every burger-flipper, fry-cooker and order-screwer-upper in the solar system be paid $45 per hour with full medical and dental benefits, two weeks paid vacation and stock options. They can even picket outside the Taco Bell from now until the Tex-Mex-ish chain offers a free-range chicken burrito with organically grown heirloom tomatoes and handmade guacamole. But they’re never going to convince anyone that a “McRib” should cost $14. Therefore, they will never convince anyone that assembling a McRib from whatever its actual contents might be is anything other than an entry-level job.

Yet our liberal friends from such notable organizations as the Service Employees International Union have retaken their places on picket lines in front of thousands of fast food emporia across the fruited plain. Their demands haven’t changed, nor has their chosen method of shrieking at the top of their lungs. They want the government to mandate the fast food industry pay a minimum wage of $15 per hour. Should they win this battle — and their access to virtually unlimited resources from spigots like George Soros and even the Barack Obama Administration (your tax dollars at work) suggests they’ll certainly continue the fight — their victory will result in either fewer fast food workers or no fast food workers.

Raising entry-level salaries in the fast food industry will do more than just jack up the cost of the No. 2 Super Combo with a Coke. It will force a reciprocal wave of cost increases throughout the industry. If the lettuce guy gets $15 per hour, then the assistant day manager will immediately demand an increase in her salary. After all, she worked for her promotion. Of course, once she gets a raise, the day manager will be in the boss’s office and so on, up through the chain until the company is left choosing between raising prices, lowering labor costs or simply shuttering operations. Since profit margins for the average McDonald’s franchise hover somewhere between 6 percent and 8 percent, something’s gotta give; and I doubt it will be the percentage of actual chicken in Chicken McNuggets. It’s worth noting that more than 50 percent of the labor force of McDonald’s is drawn from minority groups, meaning big labor’s assault on Big Mac will send a disproportionate number of minorities to the curb.

Liberals operate under the mistaken presumption that if a business makes a profit, then its workers must suffer. In fact, the only causal relationship that exists between a fast food company’s profits and its workers’ wages is a positive one. Without fiscal successes, McDonald’s doesn’t expand to become the largest company in the industry and one of the most ubiquitous icons on the planet. Without that expansion, there are 14,000 or so empty commercial spaces providing taxable income to the Federal, State and local — not to mention global — economies. Without that expansion, there are 14,000 or so fewer entities providing jobs. Including the corporate staffers of McDonald’s, that’s just shy of a half-million more Americans cast onto the government dole — a dole that would supported by a half-million fewer Americans. And the 1.3 million McDonald’s employees outside the United States would be thrilled to learn the American big labor movement turned their jobs into collateral damage.

But there is good news for the fast food industry’s millions upon millions of customers. Should big labor manage to force a 100 percent increase in the minimum wage, thousands of fast food employees will be replaced by hundreds of automated order-takers and -makers, dramatically increasing the odds that you’ll actually get what you ordered.

–Ben Crystal