As Seen on TV

Fox News recently reported White House Science Advisor John Holden was urging people to cease using the phrase “global warming” and instead use “global climate disruption.”

Brilliant. Rather than acknowledge that the completely discredited global warming industry was headed out to intellectual sea with the rest of the political sewage, President Barack Obama was resorting to the timeworn trick of repackaging an old product. I could simply have observed how well that plan worked for everything from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign to General Motors, but then I mused: Why not help?

Perhaps what liberalism needs isn’t a one-way ticket to Mao’s mausoleum. Perhaps a little polish might restore the luster to the fading ideology of hypocritical tyranny. After all, it worked for Stalin, right? Errr — it might be useful in getting those unsightly rings off the coffee table. Plus, Billy Mays has passed on, so a Democrat Party infomercial is right out.

So I have undertaken the Herculean task of coming up with all new slogans for some of the tarnished bastions of left-wing politics. I’ve tried to put a happy face on the fear-mongering which has befallen much of the Left’s front line, while at the same time restoring the honesty which all too often is as foreign to liberals as a good punch line is to a Whoopi Goldberg standup routine.

To wit:

Global Warming. So-called anthropogenic global warming is in all likelihood the most successful junk science in human history. Much like phrenology or heliocentric astronomy, global warming is a theory which merely fits the observable facts.

Recent discoveries that major global warming “scientists” were falsifying their “data” nailed the lid down. High-profile backing of breathtakingly stupid Hollywood celebrities like Laurie David and uber-hypocrite Al Gore has finished off one of the farthest-reaching scientific scams since cold fusion was “discovered” 20 years ago:

  • ManBearPig is REAL! We’re super-duper SERIAL!
  • The power of imagination.
  • Is it hot in here, or is it… OH MY GOD!
  • Science? We don’t need no stinking science!
  • You say “summer.” We say “RUN!”
  • We can’t believe we get paid to do this, either.
  • Can everyone on Dailykos be wrong?
  • It’s Bush’s fault.

MSNBC. The destination cable outlet for Democrat National Committee talking points, MSNBC has been circling the bowl since Keith Olbermann led the charge to turn their primetime lineup into a bizarro-world version of Fox News. Desperately jealous “personalities” vent frustration and rage at their conservative betters, occasionally lapsing into fits of almost comical hysteria. It has apparently never occurred to GE management that the talentless nails-on-a-blackboard shrieking of Obama-cheerleader Matthews, the buffoonish Olbermann, Olbermann’s “mini-me” Maddow and mouth-breathing thug Ed Schultz might be the reason the channel’s entire primetime lineup can’t match the ratings of a single hour of Fox programming:

  • We love it here! (Please help us. We’re trapped in Keith’s basement.)
  • Sorry your remote broke.
  • If it’s even remotely related to reality — you’re probably watching VH1 again.
  • When Ed says “voter fraud is cool” he means that in a good way.
  • Like Fox News without all those high-calorie facts.
  • We promise, Olbermann’s only an hour.
  • Yes, Maddow looks like that on purpose.
  • Liberal talking points — we don’t write ‘em, we just read ‘em.
  • FEEL THE TINGLE!
  • It’s Bush’s fault.

The New York Times. Once the nation’s — if not the world’s — de-facto newspaper of record, The Times has descended into the depths of leftist illegitimacy. The “Gray Lady” is now a pale shadow of her former self, regurgitating Democrat talking points as actual news, occasionally without even rewording the releases. The plagiarism and fake reportage scandals of the last decade finally ended any pretense of credibility:

  • Remember us?
  • We were cool before email.
  • We were cool before mail mail.
  • You have to go somewhere during Department of State attacks on Drudge.
  • Print is so relevant!
  • So much more than Jayson Blair.
  • Check out our Pulitzers!
  • All the talking points fit to print.
  • Like the USA Today, without those distracting colors.
  • It’s Bush’s fault.

CNN. The world’s first global cable news network started slowly, but hit its stride during the First Gulf War. Sadly, liberal influence, led by former owner Ted Turner, forced CNN into an inevitable decline. While CNN hasn’t faced the same abysmal ratings as the tinfoil-hat-brigadiers at MSNBC, even the departure of Turner has failed to resurrect the once-proud network. The continued presence of weak personalities like erstwhile game show host Anderson Cooper and howling lunatic Jack Cafferty keeps CNN from shedding the “Clinton News Network” moniker it earned in the ’90s:

  • We used to be awesome.
  • Darth Vader does our voice-overs.
  • Like us, or we’ll send Carville to your house.
  • We’re so tired. So very, very tired.
  • Ted Turner has left the building.
  • Our ratings are still better than MSNBC’s.
  • It’s Bush’s fault.

Nancy Pelosi. Our current Speaker of the House rose to prominence after Dick Gephardt finally decided it was someone else’s turn to quarterback Washington D.C.’s intellectual junior varsity. This furious harridan lives in Catherine The Great-style wealth and comfort, but believes that the rest of us should live in Catherine The Great’s servants-style squalor. Much like the aforementioned Empress of All the Russias, Pelosi relates to normal people the way normal people relate to leper colonies. Pelosi also serves as a caution to those who might consider going the Leona Helmsley plastic surgery route. The mere idea of Pelosi’s proximity to the Oval Office is enough to make brave men quail. It will indeed be a sight watching her trying to get re-accustomed to the title of House Minority Leader:

  • Blinking is overrated.
  • Draining the swamp, one thimble at a time.
  • The miracle of Botox®.
  • I love poor people! They keep my houses clean!
  • It’s Bush’s fault.

Harry Reid. Pelosi’s Senatorial counterpart, Reid is the perfect foil for a shrill harpy like Pelosi. Despite reportedly having once been a boxer, Reid is small, weak-chinned and probably adept at standing in the ladies’ department holding his wife’s purse:

  • Compared to Obama, I’m John McCain.
  • Compared to Pelosi, I’m Barry Goldwater.

John Kerry. America woke up just in time:

  • Yooooou raaaang?

Al Gore. After losing the 2000 Presidential contest despite some exceptionally creative Democrat-engineered voter fraud, the wooden-faced and stiff-necked Gore has spent the last decade in an almost tragicomic attempt to re-establish himself as someone of note. After winning an Oscar for the world’s most inconvenient slide show, Gore continued to trot across the globe, lecturing the masses on the perils of global warming — oops — global climate disruption — while simultaneously leaving carbon footprints the size of Yankee Stadium:

  • PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
  • Do the bolts in my neck show?
  • Have Oscar, will travel (by private jet)!
  • RRRRRAAARRRRRRR! FIRE! BAAAAAAD!

John Edwards. An almost archetypical personal injury lawyer, Edwards built an eight-figure fortune exploiting the sick, injured and grieving, including one case in which he claimed to be channeling the spirit of a dead fetus (despite being pro-abortion). After Dick Cheney cleaned his clock in a 2004 Vice Presidential debate, Edwards staged a political comeback which derailed spectacularly when the National Enquirer busted him for an affair with a paid campaign contractor who bore him a child:

  • (singing)… The kid is not my son! (It IS my daughter, however.)
  • I am dedicated to ending the disparity between rich and… AMBULANCE!
  • I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!
  • Are they still hiring for a new Breck Girl?

The Ground Zero Mosque. The political hot-button issue of the summer of 2010, the Ground Zero Mosque was backed by shady finances and fronted by a Sharia-spouting Imam with an unfortunate track record of supporting the 9/11 attackers. Liberals leapt to the defense of the GZM in the name of the same religious freedom they would deny 9-year-olds who want to bow their heads in silent prayer before school:

  • Jihad, American Style!
  • Join us Fridays for Osama’s Greatest Hits, followed by bingo!
  • When we say “Allahu!” you say “Akbar!”

Barack Obama. So many failures, so little bandwidth. Elected on a wave of manufactured acclaim and old-fashioned race baiting, the former “community activist” has proven to be farther out of his depth than a kid wearing water wings swimming above the Mariana Trench. Backed by a rogue’s gallery of left-wing hate groups like the Service Employees International Union and the New Black Panther Party, Obama is plumbing depths of ineptitude unseen since the Carter Administration. Even Democrat Party candidates are showing signs of “losing the President’s number.” Despite desperate boosting by mainstream media sycophants and far-left-liberals, support for Obama is beginning to falter like a two-pack-a-day smoker in the 10th mile of a marathon:

  • Like Carter, except I don’t hate Jews that much.
  • Quiet, or Michelle will hear you.
  • What can brown do for you?
  • I can’t believe nobody noticed I lifted my campaign strategy from The Distinguished Gentleman.
  • It’s this or President Joe Biden.
  • I’m not asking you — I’m TELLING you.
  • Kenya… Hawaii… what’s the difference?
  • It’s Bush’s fault.
  • Did I mention it’s Bush’s fault?

This is by no means a comprehensive list. Obviously, there are many more leading lights of liberalism in need of an image makeover. Sadly, space and bandwidth limitations constrict my ability to offer assistance to every one of the travelers on the port side of American politics. More to the point — Mr. Livingston would probably prefer I not compose an Encyclopedia Britannica-esque compendium.

I leave it to you, my friends, my countrymen, my fellow Livingstonians to carry on.

Day At The Improv

Stephen Colbert is a funny guy. Granted, his program is a comedic shiv in the conservative movement’s kidneys, but a good joke is still a good joke.

Colbert is a rare breed amongst lefties, a comedian who is actually funny. Compared to lowbrow liberal court jesters like Mike Malloy, Colbert is funnier than Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promising to whip the Marine Corps in a game of “catch the cruise missile.”

However, Colbert should stick to Comedy Central. What we saw him do last week while “testifying” in front of Congress wasn’t funny, it was… weirdly captivating, like watching a car wreck, or Bill Clinton sitting down for an interview with Pat Robertson on The 700 Club.

There’s a time and a place for comedy; and testifying in front of the U.S. House of Representatives is neither. The goings-on in the people’s house are already funny enough. But don’t pin the blame for Colbert’s standup set entirely on Colbert. He was invited to do his schtick by subcommittee chairwoman Zoe Lofgren (D-Outer Space). I would suggest Colbert should have known better. It’s not as if I’m expecting Lofgren to know, well, much.

Lofgren extended the invitation to Colbert to testify on the issue of immigrant workers. Why the eight-term incumbent from California’s 16th would settle on a stand-up/sit down comedian to render expert testimony on such a monumentally important issue might cause some to scratch their heads, but I suspect:

  1. Lofgren is a 62-year-old lawyer and former congressional aide of Swedish descent. She’s about as hip as parachute pants, but represents a demographically diverse Silicon Valley-area district. Inviting Colbert to make the kiddies laugh was an attempt to jack up her “skreet kred.”
  2. Lofgren, like most liberals who’ve been in Washington since before even parachute pants were cool, is so completely disassociated from the 300 million taxpayers who are legally in this country that she thought Colbert was an actual expert on migrant workers.
  3. Lofgren was trying to distract the public from not only the seriousness of the immigration issue at a time when the Democrat ruling elite is being seen by more and more Americans as more disconnected from normalcy than Lindsay Lohan on the back end of a five-day bender; but also from the disastrous events of earlier in the week when a Democrat legislative ploy fell flatter than a Bill Maher punch line.

The third answer is the one which should raise your eyebrows. The Lofgren/Colbert comedy hour took place on Friday. Three days prior, Senate Democrats had tried to grant amnesty to illegal immigrants by attempting to bootleg the DREAM ACT across the legislative border under the blanket of the National Defense Reauthorization Act. The GOP spotted the subterfuge and filibustered, forcing the Democrats to turn to their trusty mainstream media for response, breathlessly pointing out that a repeal of the Clinton-era Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was also pinned to the tail of the NDRA donkey.

Despite headlines decrying alleged GOP-sponsored discrimination, the story went toes-up fairly quickly, its demise hastened by Colbert’s dog-and-pony show Friday morning. But hidden behind Friday’s fracas was the real story: The Democrats tried to pull a fast one, failed; turned out the mainstream media to cover them, failed; and then brought in a comedian to divert attention from their profligate elitism, and failed. By late Friday, even Democrats were claiming Lofgren’s stunt was an outrageous ploy by a rogue representative.

What they weren’t doing was acknowledging that they’d tried to pull a fast one and then bumbled helplessly until Colbert mercifully, albeit (hopefully) unwittingly, rescued them with his antics.

The influx of illegal immigrants is a serious issue, one which deserves serious response. The Democrats have attacked (the Department of Justice v Arizona), defamed (throwing the race card at anyone who stands against amnesty), and dishonored the nation (including AZ1070 in a human rights report to the United Nations). Now, with the Lofgren/Colbert report, they’re simply mocking not only the contentious issue of immigration reform, but also the overwhelming majority of Americans who contend the issue bears consideration.

As for the Democrat attempts as distraction, I maintain that distracting Congress from legislating is like distracting a dog from chewing on the furniture — or chewing on your kids.

But the Colbert disaster was a good look at the general tenor of the Democrat Party, 2010: Confronted by major economic, foreign policy and immigration predicaments of their own creation, they’re doing improv shows during business hours.

The Company You Keep

Georgia’s 12th Congressional District comprises 220 or so gerrymandered miles of economically and demographically heterogeneous land which includes everything from onion farms to America’s fifth largest port. The person who serves this diverse constituency, noted by the Cook Partisan Voting Index as being D+1 (listing slightly to port), is currently a wealthy trial lawyer named John Barrow.

Barrow himself is a fairly inconsequential fellow. Of his three successful campaigns for the House, two were decided by margins narrower than his shoulders. Pro-abortion group NARAL has given him a 100 percent rating; but he voted against major liberal initiatives like Obamacare and Cap and Trade.

In an effort to maintain his grasp on the good life afforded House members, Barrow horse-trades like the guy in the green eyeshade in a John Wayne movie; swapping votes for Nancy Pelosi for the power to pacify his more conservative constituents during Obama’s periodic assaults on their lives. To put a fine point on it: Barrow is everyone’s pal, but nobody’s friend.

The urbane Barrow is certainly not someone you’d expect to find skulking around the urban alleys of New York City. Indeed, it’s hard to picture the bespectacled Barrow, who’s whiter than Dennis Kucinich singing Conway Twitty tunes in a Branson karaoke bar, leaping out of his limo to hang with the homeboys who call Harlem home. So imagine my surprise when the ethics imbroglio surrounding comically corrupt Charles Rangel of New York’s 15th Congressional District (PVI: D+43 — more liberal than David Paterson’s “girlfriends”) managed to ensnare the pasty-faced Congressman from South Georgia.

For his part, Rangel has — ahem — allegedly committed a list of offenses which stretch from the Apollo Theatre to Augusta National. He has remained near the top of the D.C. heap despite even President Barack Obama reacting to his ethics scandals by suggesting he should “end his career with dignity.” During four decades in Washington, Rangel has salted away quite a pile, and has subsequently spread the wealth to far-flung congressional corners — including Southeast Georgia.

You read that correctly. The putrescence of liberalism extends from 125th Street all the way to the Savannah River. With a nod to The Bard via Charles D. Warner — politics does indeed make strange bedfellows. According to a Tuesday report in the Savannah Morning News, Barrow has been on the receiving end of Rangelian largesse since 2004 and has no intention of ridding himself of the repellent stink of Rangel’s rewards. To date, Barrow has cashed checks from the Regent of Riker’s Island totaling $24,000. And according to Barrow spokesmodel Jane Brodsky, he’s keeping the cash:

Congressman Barrow is not going to make a symbolic gesture based on contributions he received in past election cycles that were spent a long time ago.”

Truth be told, there’s not much point in Barrow dumping Rangel’s tainted treasure. With another nod to The Bard: that spot ain’t comin’ out in the wash. By refusing to divest himself of Rangel’s 24 grand, the supposedly Blue Dog Barrow has cast his lot with the far left of the liberal establishment.

Obama might call this sort of thing a “teachable moment.” Barrow, who is facing opposition from Ray McKinney (who sports an endorsement from the increasingly powerful Tea Party), may be in for a wild ride to November. While Real Clear Politics data suggest Barrow’s seat is safe, there are no polls which indicate an approval rating at or above 50 percent.

In an off-year election in which Democrats not only won’t have the benefit of Obama’s coattails, but would rather skip and go naked than huddle under the President’s hide, Barrow likely needs every nickel. Here’s the rub: when word of Barrow’s canoodling with Rangel gets back to Peach State voters, how much political vigorish will Barrow owe on the loan?

Barrow has played both sides of the fence for long enough to hold on to his seat on the back bench of the House, but has made little headway in terms of noteworthiness, much less notoriety. While he has a sizeable financial edge over McKinney, association with a wire-pulling reprobate like Rangel may cost him a great deal more than a lousy double-dozen large. And it raises fair questions about the Democrats’ direction.

Barrow’s financial fraternization with Rangel is apt allegory for the larger issues surrounding the Democrat Party in 2010. What happened to Pelosi “draining the swamp?” Where is the end of the liberal culture of corruption? And if I hold Barrow up to a 40-watt bulb, can I see where his spine is supposed to be?

According to Brodsky:

"(Barrow) has neither received nor accepted any contributions after allegations of (Rangel’s) ethical impropriety arose."

Barrow the Blue Dog and Rangel the snake — different ends of the same donkey.

The Hamburger Of Hypocrisy

Call it “televised serendipity”:  A moment in which two members of the Democrat Party leadership get together and reveal the political deformities which have turned the “big tent” into a circus sideshow. Under normal circumstances — a President Barack Obama press conference, for example — the groveling sycophants in the corporate media allow these boors to babble on without interruption.

While Americans with IQs above the intellectual Mendoza line simply tune out, most liberals remain enraptured, downloading the latest talking points, feverishly anticipating their next opportunity to regurgitate the drivel with the kind of self-importance otherwise reserved for sociopaths and trial lawyers. On occasion, however, more than one of the liberal ruling elite top-rung types end up sharing the same patch of real estate — and then we have to watch as they fog up our screens with unbridled expressions of love for each other — and scorn for the rest of us.

One of those serendipitous moments presented itself late last week, when fleshy filmmaker Michael Moore visited the set of liberal rat-terrier Bill Maher’s Real Time. While both are fairly high-ranking members of the DNC elite, neither is apparently aware that the zaftig Moore makes Rosie O’Donnell look like the “after” picture in a Weight Watchers commercial while Maher is only slightly funnier than an 8-car pileup on the expressway.

Such lack of awareness might explain how these two stooges could have a conversation in which Moore opined:

“…people like Gingrich and Palin? You know, because they’re essentially our mullahs, you know, our Taliban. Hey, how about that McDonald’s two blocks from Ground Zero, Bill?  That’s killed more people than the 19 hijackers…”

Evidently, I missed the nationwide APB for the Hamburglar on Sept. 12.

That’s right, kids — the mammoth movie maker says that Speaker Gingrich, Governor Palin and Egg McMuffins are more sinister than Islamofascism. Perhaps he simply prefers the Whopper to the Big Mac. But the idea that Moore would heave his Brobdingnagian bulk into frame and equate Mayor McCheese with militant Muslims has to be a new low-water mark for the liberal ruling class.

Maher and his carefully screened audience reacted with that smarmy snicker that the Democrats apparently teach in wingnut school. No one noted that the elephantine Moore, who helmed the camera for some of the most deservedly discredited “documentaries” since Leni Riefenstahl was making 8mm loops of Hitler doing the goose step shuffle, might be stretching his minimal credibility farther than the weakening waistband on his jockey shorts.

The good news for those of us with cerebral cortices larger than garlic knots: in addition to being shortchanged in the intellect and talent departments, the liberal ruling elite possess the subtlety of the cast of an MTV reality show. Moore and Maher’s get together was filmed in front of a live studio audience and broadcast to every household which subscribes to HBO.

For those of you who lament the lack of political acumen displayed by America’s peach fuzz generation, millions of viewers, er… thousands, um… hundreds, ah… dozens, ok… more kids saw the gargantuan gasbag Moore compare Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin and their beloved Ronald McDonald unfavorably with the Taliban than have ever sat through more than a few moments of Chris Matthews nightly tingle-time. They also observed Maher, the junior varsity Jon Stewart, laugh along with the oleaginous auteur without noting that to date, no Fry Guy has ever taken so much as a single flying lesson, much less tried to carry a box cutter onto a commercial jet.

These are the people who have taken over the Democrat Party. These are the people who launch invective at Limbaugh, Beck and Hannity. These are the people who call us racists for opposing — or even daring to question — the Obama agenda. These are the people who opened verbal fire on Christine O’Donnell (who once graced Maher with her presence) mere hours after her ground-shaking victory in Delaware. These are the people who would demand you execrate Sarah Palin while exalting Nancy Pelosi.

At a time when the Democrat party has plunged the country into economic ennui, flatlined our foreign relations and rendered our immigration protections inert, they offer us clowns like Moore and Maher, the haphazard and humorless Laurel and Hardy.

Moore and Maher are members of the liberal leadership so we can divine that this is the direction in which the left is leaning these days. But fret not, my friends, more and more Americans are paying attention.

Forgive me for saying so, but come November:

Ba-da-ba-ba-baaa, I’m lovin’ it.

Who’s Laughing Now?

Tuesday’s edition of The Hill featured a piece by Sam Youngman about a Presidential photo-op in fabulous Fairfax, Va. Entitled “President Obama seeks his inner Bill Clinton and feels voters’ pain,” the piece focused on a White House sojourn to the home of an upper middle class family in the aforementioned suburban enclave.

While my first thought was “at least they didn’t go back to Majorca,” a more intent perusal of the piece revealed a great deal about how our poor President has gotten so lost of late. At one point during the stop-over, Obama actually said he “feels their pain.” Bill Clinton used to say that, as well. Then the GOP dropped an electoral elephant on the Democrats in 1994. The more things “change…”

While Obama’s visit to the home of John Nicholas and Nicole Armstrong was no more or less carefully orchestrated than any other Presidential day trip, his talking points were — sadly — no more or less ludicrous than his other recent economic pronouncements.

Nicholas was noted as having “survived several layoffs at his Internet-services company,” while Armstrong has “recently returned to part-time work… to help pay the family’s bills.” So, while the President’s economic ineptitude has pushed the unemployment rate toward Carter-era numbers, the President went to a hoedown at a home owned by a family earning more than twice the national salary average.

Neither of his hosts is looking for work, nor are they “working” for the Census Bureau (or at any other government-backed make-work jobs the White House has been trying to sneak into the economic stew of late.) And Obama feels our pain? Obama might as well have visited a home which had recently been burglarized… and consoled the next-door neighbors.

During his photo-op, Obama also tried to tout his economic message, touching on his administration’s fight to dim the lights on Bush-era tax relief, a key point in the recent war of words the White House has been trying to wage. One White House spokesmodel suggested the Obama push to punish economic success stories by bumping up upper income tax bracket rates was:

“fight(ing) for the middle class.”

What the mouthpiece didn’t mention was the punitive nature of the Democrats’ frontal tax-assault on the nation’s leading producers. Right now, the top 25 percent of American income earners have to pull the cart for 86 percent of the IRS bill. If the margins go up, that top 25 percent (which includes nearly everyone at Obama’s Fairfax fandango) will have to spend less now to pay more in April. Even the D-students in Econ 101 can tell you taking money out of the economic reservoir lowers the level of the whole lake. More to the point: you don’t bench the varsity for running up the economic score.

But the exhaustive use of exhausted liberal justification for regressive taxes aside; Obama’s visit to the hinterlands actually got weird(er). According to the President:

“Michelle and I always laugh about it when people talk about us—I think they forget that we were basically living the same lives as John and Nicole, just it wasn’t that long ago,” Obama said. “It was, like, six, seven years ago.”

Whee, Presidential jocularity! How refreshing. I suppose we should be glad that our multi-millionaire Commander-in-Chief and his fashion plate wife can look back on their former lives of middle-class drudgery and smile. Pardon me if I don’t join in the fun there, chuckles. Remind me, Mr. Middle-class: Michelle took HOW many people along to Spain? It cost HOW MUCH? And you were dining with OPRAH that week? Then you went BACK to MARTHA’S VINEYARD?

The article dutifully noted that Obama grew up in less luxurious surroundings than the ones he was visiting on Monday (and the ones in which he currently resides). Meaning what—he’s a modern-day Horatio Alger?

I have learned to accept the essential hypocrisy of limousine liberals. But the idea of an extraordinarily wealthy man visiting reasonably wealthy supporters in order to promulgate economic policies which have not only consigned millions of Americans to far less fancy fields than Fairfax, but will also ensure few Americans can reach their level of wealth isn’t humorous; it’s horrific.

Pundits often point to the “disconnect” between Obama and the average citizen. Obama’s recent Fairfax field trip reveals something more sinister than simple separation: The President finds our plight amusing.

Laugh it up, liberals. We saw the same primary results you did. Come November, the joke’s on you.

The Thrill Is Gone

For the eighth time in what increasingly looks like will be his only term, President Barack Obama held forth at a talking point dump, aka press conference. For a man dubbed “messianic” by the liberal elite, I can’t help but notice of late, Obama looks as comfortable in front of the camera as a blind agoraphobic in Grand Central Station during rush hour. 

Watching our increasingly desperate President try to hold the attention of even the fawning sycophants who comprise the bulk of the White House Press Corps was like watching a physics professor trying on homecoming Friday to hold the attention of a lecture hall filled with frat-boy liberal arts majors.  Confronted by ABC News correspondent Jake Tapper about how Obamacare has already turned into the fiscal imbroglio Democrats denied it would be, Obama froze stiffer than Nancy Pelosi’s face on a Lake Tahoe ski lift:

“No — as I said, uh, Jacob, the — I haven’t read the entire study, uh, maybe you have.  But, uh, you know, if — if you — if what the reports are true, what they’re saying is that as a consequence of us getting 30 million additional people health care, at the margins that’s gonna increase our costs, we knew that.  We didn’t think that we were gonna cover 30 million people… for… free.

Actually, Mr. President, that’s.  Precisely.  What.  You.  Said.  While his backtracking tends to be as laughably divorced from reality as an Ed Schultz monologue, Obama’s stilted speech patterns and inexplicable “I don’t write it, I just read it” dependence on the teleprompter has actually passed funny and disembarked at creepy.  I can’t help but wonder if David Axelrod is standing behind the blue curtain with a remote control: 

“Damn it, Gibbs.  I need four AA batteries, pronto!”

Remember when this same media took such pleasure in mocking George W. Bush’s tortured enunciations?  At least we all knew that when W said “nook-you-lerr,” it wasn’t because Ari Fleischer fell asleep with his head on the keyboard. 

I thought Obama was supposed to be the smartest man alive.  During the course of the 2008 Presidential campaign, the Democrats deployed every media flack, screwball blogger and MSNBC “journalist” to extol his brilliance while excoriating anyone who dared ask: 

“Is it me, or does this guy sound like Howard Dean built a Leninbot in his basement?”

Those of us who openly questioned the acumen of the untested Illinois Senator were dismissed as racists.  Once the race card was maxed out (which happened right about the same time ultra-white boy Newsweek leftist Jonathan Alter claimed that only racism could prevent an Obama Presidency), the left began assailing doubters with Obama’s indubitable brilliance.  “He went to HARVARD.”  Um…so did the Unabomber.  For that matter, so did Al Gore.  For THAT matter — so did Bush.

Now that the Obama Express has jumped the tracks and slammed headfirst into the bridge abutment of incompetence, Democrats nationwide are booking passage to Anywhere But Obama.  Two hundred nineteen Dems voted “yea” on Obamacare.  Not one has run an ad touting their vote.

“Sure, I’m flattered that the President would like to campaign for me.  It’s just that I’m washing my hair this election.” 

The borderline-romantic yearning for the great Community Activist has faded like Bill and Hillary’s post-Monica love life.  Even plagiarist and former Bhagwan devotee Ariana Huffington’s Hollywood self-esteem builder Huffingtonpost.com can’t seem to drum up much enthusiasm, with Huffpo’s ubiquitous pseudo-academic Joseph Palermo weaving allusions to fading Obama worship into a predictable tapestry of tired Bush-bashing in a Friday piece ponderously entitled “President Obama Attempts to Bridge the ‘Enthusiasm Gap.'”  It has clearly never occurred to Professor Palermo that the Army Corps of Engineers couldn’t handle that job.

Obama’s lack of enthusiasm is beyond pathetic.  Rush Limbaugh suggested during his Friday broadcast that Obama appears impotent.  Limbaugh is underselling the problem.  There’s no little blue pill which can fix the issues in the White House. 

Whatever you want to call it, Obama’s lack of vitality is dangerous.  Islamofascism, the Service Employees International Union and Nancy Pelosi don’t let up on the throttle just because Obama’s hiding under the Resolute Desk. 

During the 2008 Presidential campaign, Democrats fired distortions, defamation and plain old venom at Sarah Palin with abandon.  Her garrulous vigor made her a far more inviting target than the man who would be her boss, John McCain.

Looking back, Obama’s verbal ineptitude (not to mention his professional incompetence) makes both McCain and Palin look positively Ciceronian by comparison.  The Democrats honestly expect us to believe Palin couldn’t have handled Joe Biden’s job?  I’m not convinced Obama can, either.

Fahrenheit 450

I remember the first time I read Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451. I was a prisoner in an 8th grade English class. I also knew I was going to be facing Ayn Rand and George Orwell, with Anthem and Animal Farm looming on the syllabus. The teacher was clearly working on a bit of a motif.

The only motif my teenage mind could discern was: “Truckload of homework.” The teacher was endeavoring to instill a more profound lesson: Literary and intellectual oppression is anathema to civilized society. For those of you who are victims of teachers’ unions: Burning books is stupid.

Burning books also doesn’t work. The anti-intellectualism of someone who would torch even Al Franken’s idiotic drivel deserves even less respect than the driveller himself. Don’t sell Al’s deepest thoughts short — there’s that wobbly leg on the coffee table, for instance. More to the point: From the Nazi Säuberung to the Fairness Doctrine, even short-lived victories in a war on knowledge always end up buried under a pile of either bodies or ballots (in the Fairness Doctrine example, a pile of Dennis Kucinich speeches).

During my internment in 8th grade English, I would gladly have siphoned gas out of my teacher’s Oldsmobile to assist an effort to rid us of the collected works of Bradbury, Rand and Orwell.

I was 13. What’s Terry Jones’s excuse?

Jones, the pastor of the incongruously-monikered Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Fla., has announced that he and his congregants will be marking the ninth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks by putting the Koran to the torch. Despite cautionary notes sounded by everyone from the local fire department to General David Petraeus, Jones is going ahead with his bonfire of the inanities. Jones says he and his congregation are making a statement about standing up to the forces of terrorism embodied by the Islamofacists who flew planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and a field in rural Pennsylvania.

I say Jones is playing the part of a lowbrow Macbeth (bet Jones is no fan of Shakespeare, either). By throwing his pyrotechnic tantrum, he’s offering sound and fury, but signifying very little.

Standing up to the forces of extremism and stupidity by acting in an extremely stupid manner is… extremely stupid. I have perused the Koran and remain decidedly non-Muslim (it’s a bacon thing). Nor do I have any desire to set my copy on fire, because it’s a really nice leather bound edition and I am intelligent enough to read divergent doctrine and/or opinion without being overcome with the urge to reach for a lighter (or shop for a new vest in the Semtex department).

However, Jones and his flock burning the Koran won’t further inflame the hatred of those who venerate the 9/11 hijackers. Gainesville, Fla., is also home to the University of Florida. Give an Islamofascist an eyeful of what the Gator coeds are wearing on campus and the Dove World Outreach Center might as well festoon their building with flaming Suras.

“Akbar, did you see the church in Gainesville has burned the Koran?”

“I did, Mustafa. But did you see that girl outside the student union? I COULD SEE HER ARMS ABOVE THE WRISTS!”

“THAT’S IT! DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!!”

They’ve already drawn their proverbial line in the rubble. Besides, we’re already fighting them and have been for the better part of a decade. And for the millions of Muslims worldwide who want nothing to do with the Al-Qaida/Taliban brand of Islam, most are either smart enough to recognize crazy when they see it or will shake their heads with the same sad bewilderment which I feel every time Chris Matthews starts talking about Obama-induced tingling in his lower extremities.

I suppose I should note that liberals are — predictably — trying to cast Jones and his minions as members of the “religious right.” I should subsequently direct you to the aforementioned Fairness Doctrine for an example of who the Islamofascists’ kindred spirits are on this side of the pond.

The real issue here is that Terry Jones and the Dove World Outreach Centrists are morons, albeit morons basking in their 15 minutes of fame. They don’t represent the American people, so President Obama can scrap his latest apology to nations which stone women for flashing their ankles, and MSNBC’s “hosts” can stop wringing their hands.

If you burn books, you’re just an idiot — nothing more. If you’re concerned about idiots, look for the smoke, then walk the other way.

The Fat Lady Won’t Sing

It may not have packed the emotional punch of the last chopper off the roof of the embassy in Saigon, but the word has come down from on high: The last combat troops have left the building.

Actually, I’m going to amend that last remark. A Stryker Brigade crossed the Southern Frontier between Iraq and Kuwait, marking the departure from our Mesopotamian quagmire of the last troops we’re actually CALLING “combat troops.”

We still have plenty of guys with guns in Iraq—more than 50,000—but they’re not “combat troops,” they’re “advisors.” Not to accuse the President of militaristic duplicity, but so were about a quarter million of our boys and girls who visited fabulous downtown Saigon in the 1960s.

But we’re not supposed to be treating the anointed savior with the same scrutiny with which George W. Bush and Richard M. Nixon (but not Bill Clinton) dealt. Since Barack Obama ascended the people’s throne, the corporate media doesn’t use words like “quagmire” anymore, nor do they refer to the “Vietnam of the Middle East.” Obama promised a swift withdrawal from Iraq, and he has thusly delivered—more or less. All right, less.

Nonetheless, calling everyone in digital desert camo an “advisor” means Obama gets to claim victory. And while The Associated Press noted that Obama didn’t actually claim victory in his speech last week; given that he hasn’t come out ahead in so much as a game of checkers with Bo the First Dog since he took office, hanging the metaphorical “Mission Accomplished” banner off the White House balustrade is as close as he’s going to get anytime soon. Considering the corporate media’s continued adherence to the Obama-as-savior mantra, the irony of the situation is that this undeclared “victory” was planned and executed during the demonized Bush Administration.

Perhaps that’s why Obama noted in his recent televised remarks that he called Bush prior to the telecast, and why he offered him praise during the speech. And perhaps that’s why wingnut hacks like Rachel Maddow and Bill Press (yep, he’s still alive) launched anti-Bush invective from their MSNBC pulpits in the wake of Obama’s address. If you only saw Keith Olbermann’s failed television science experiment, you might not know that the decisive troop surge which Bush put into action had ever occurred.

As House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) pointed out in the wake of Obama’s performance:

“Over the past several months, we’ve often heard about ending the war in Iraq but not much about winning the war in Iraq,”

Boehner went on to point out that the same Democrats who fought Bush tooth and nail on every facet of the Iraq War (once they stopped supporting it) were now trying to portray themselves as latter-day Churchills, as opposed to modern-era Chamberlains.

Or perhaps Obama has finally realized what Bush knew all along. To put a fine point on it: This ain’t over. Iraq remains enough of a junkyard to make North Jersey look like the south of France. Their most recent elections are fading into memory and their government appears to be stretched to the limit catching stray dogs—and stray bullets.

Meanwhile, Obama is steeling himself to raise the proverbial roof in Afghanistan. He said during his speech that American troops could now “apply the resources necessary to go on offense” in Afghanistan, as if our troops currently engaged with al-Qaida and the vestiges of the Taliban were playing Wii and drag-racing their Bradleys before now.

No doubt our current Commander-in-Chief would love to spend the remaining time between now and Nov. 2 discussing America’s supposed Baghdad bon voyage. But as Bush knew, there’s no rest for the West Wing.

Obama must now convince a skeptical nation—and military—that not only is Iraq either in the bag or out of our shopping cart, but that the War Obama Wanted in Afghanistan is winnable under Democrat direction. Add to that the sorry state of our economy under his laughable lack of leadership and the sorry state of his party headed into what may well be an electoral Waterloo come November, and Obama may spend his fall wishing he’d saved up some sick days.

While You Were Drowning…

For those of you lucky enough to enjoy vocations which don’t require endless news and issues research, count yourselves doubly lucky that you weren’t subjected to President Barack Obama’s speech marking the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina’s disastrous visit to New Orleans. Granted, Katrina was hard on the Big Easy, but five years later Obama didn’t repair any damage. He was busy doing damage control.

Speaking to an audience of college students at Xavier University, Obama rolled through his standard teleprompter-zombie applause lines:

(“it’s great to be back here in [insert city name]. What a job you all have done recovering and rebuilding from [insert disaster reference here]. I promise you I’ll do everything in my power to ensure [repeat disaster reference here] never happens again. Remember, vote for me, because I give a damn.”)

Then the President, looking remarkably refreshed after his latest vacation — this time in Martha’s Vineyard, an ultra-exclusive enclave favored by liberal millionaires, began spouting talking points which strained credulity, to say the least.

Standing in the heart of a city which was nearly wiped off the map by a combination of decades-long Democrat incompetence and corruption, a dystopic liberal culture of dependence and one mighty impressive natural disaster, the fabulously wealthy President Obama… blamed everything on President Bush.

Again.

But blame is as American a pastime as baseball. Actually, given the multisyllabic surnames dominating most Major League rosters these days, blame is right up there with Mom and apple pie. But Obama is blaming the wrong guy.

With Hurricane Earl now becoming a force to be reckoned with, and the five-year anniversary of the Democrat-engineered Katrina disaster, I thought I’d take a moment to — as the kiddies say — drop a little knowledge on you.

According to Obama, Katrina was:

"a man-made catastrophe — a shameful breakdown in government that left countless men, women and children abandoned and alone.”

Last time I checked, hurricanes are almost never man-made, despite Al Gore’s assertions. As for governmental breakdowns, the actions of Mayor Ray “Chocolate City” Nagin, and Governor Kathleen “Crocodile Tears” Blanco in the face of Mother Nature’s oncoming wrath didn’t exactly reverberate with redoubtable statesmanship. Of course, the goodly people of New Orleans re-elected their Candyman, so some of the blame for their plight can be placed on them.

Actually, quite a bit of the blame for the plight of New Orleans can be set down right on Bourbon Street. Despite the insistence of multimillionaires like Spike Lee and Kanye West, the teeming mass of destitute humanity gathered at the Superdome wasn’t consigned to their plight because “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” Nor did the levees near the 9th Ward give way because they were secretly destroyed by Federally-placed explosives (sorry, Mr. Farrakhan).

A massive hurricane formed in the Bahamas, made its way into the Gulf of Mexico and then headed for Mardi Gras-ville. Bush actually declared a Federal state of emergency two days before Katrina’s landfall. In fact, Bush ended up having to push Louisiana’s Democrat Governor Blanco to order mandatory evacuations less than 24 hours before Katrina’s arrival, with Nagin finally ordering mandatory citywide evacuation later that day.

Beyond that, the pictures tell a far more accurate story than the Democrat-controlled corporate media would ever allow. And I’m not just talking about flooded fleets of school buses. Nor am I referring to those scenic shots of fine Orleans-ians swimming through the flooded streets with filched flat screens (although had they purloined the plasmas earlier, they might have caught the GET OUT, THERE’S A GIGANTIC FREAKIN’ HURRICANE HEADED RIGHT FOR YOU warnings blaring from the boob tube for at least 72 hours before Katrina set up shop near Lake Pontchartrain).

I’m thinking of the thousands of NOLA residents swarming together at the Superdome and adjacent convention center. After decades of voting Democrats into office, they were helpless; willingly robbed of their ability to fend for themselves beyond basic self-preservation instincts. Nagin, Blanco and the massive, overarching bureaucracy created by virtually unfettered liberal authority — granted by the electorate — had abandoned them at the crucial moment and they were prostrated before God and CNN.

Five years later, and still, according to Obama: Bush did it.

Now I’m going to throw out a heavy concept for you port-siders: Let’s assume that Bush DID do it. Let’s say he engineered a hurricane, directed it to New Orleans, dynamited the levees, ensured Blanco and Nagin would both fumble the ball on the goal line, pulled the batteries out of the NOLA buses and flooded the city.

Perhaps this is not a man with whom you want to pick a fight.

Back Inside the Asylum…

If anyone wants to shove their heads in the desert sand regarding Iran, have at it.

I’m disinclined to hand a free pass to an Islamofascist regime with a pronounced tendency to make the psych ward at Bellevue look like bingo night at the senior center. I’m similarly disinclined to believe Pollyanna-ish assurances that we have nothing to be concerned about in the wake of a line of trucks pulling into the brand-spanking new nuclear plant at Bushehr, Iran on a recent Saturday afternoon.

Sure, they were delivering uranium fuel to the terrorist regime’s new nuclear facility — but what’s a little radioactivity between friends? Plus, The Associated Press says the Russians are keeping a watchful eye on things. I’m sure we’re perfectly safe now. The town drunk has promised to watch the town sociopath while we’re out shopping for a new economy. What could possibly go wrong?

But wait — the Russians are not the only ones playing Officer Krupke when it comes to Iran’s supposedly peaceful development of the world’s most dangerous filament fertilizer.

The United Nations gave the all-clear as well. In fact, they’re claiming that the Russian-oversight plan should ease concerns about just how enriched will be the enriched uranium now clasped in the Iranian paws.

In order to function as fuel for a power plant, uranium needs to reach the 3.5 percent enrichment level. Weapons-grade uranium must be jacked up to the 90 percent level. The Iranians are already working on enriching the good stuff to a 20 percent level (for medical research, honest!)

Fret not, my friends — the Russians are going to control the fuel supply. And there’s no chance the Iranians might sneak around the corner and dump a little extra octane into the mix, right?

Even the mighty French have chimed in. The French Foreign Ministry released a statement regarding the Iranian nuclear program, saying — again — there was no real cause for alarm. Terrific — the French said the same thing about Germany and the Anschluss.

If only the Iranians were as reassuring. Leave it to one-third of the Axis of Evil to remind us that they’re… one third of the Axis of Evil. While the Russians, French and U.N. all spoke in soothing tones, the note struck by Iran was decidedly less mellifluous.

Lest we think Ahmadinejad and the rest of the Islamic Clown Posse were just playing nuclear dress-up, they also broke the news that they have tested their air defense systems around Bushehr, and have determined them to be effectively operational.

Any time a spokesterrorist “strikes a defiant tone” — trouble isn’t just in the neighborhood, it’s doing doughnuts on the lawn and TP’ing the house.

According to Iranian nuclear chief Ali Akbar Salehi:

"Despite all pressure, sanctions and hardships imposed by Western nations, we are now witnessing the startup of the largest symbol of Iran’s peaceful nuclear activities,"

The same guys who can’t finish a sentence without shrieking about the fiery death of some Zionist-capitalist-imperialist-somebody are promising to play nice with their high-yield glow sticks.

We have no intention of building nuclear weapons with this stuff we have that can be used to build nuclear weapons. We are a peaceful society, simply trying to…DEATH TO THE ZIONIST/AMERICAN INFIDELS…make it cheaper to turn on the lights.”

Let me get this straight: an Islamofascist regime is about to throw the switch on a heavily defended NUCLEAR facility, and the only assurances that they’re not going to start churning out atomic luggage for every Tom, Dick and Akbar with a saif to grind are coming from the guy who can’t get past the first step in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, the guy who still laughs at Jerry Lewis movies and the rejects from the carnival?

For you victims of teachers’ unions out there, Iran’s proclamations of peaceful nuclear intent are as transparent as a Lady Gaga Grammy Awards costume.

Iran sits on top of some of the most expansive oil reserves on the planet. Unconstrained by a Democrat Party bent on protecting foreign oil interests to the detriment of their own people, the Iranians can — to paraphrase Governor Sarah Palin: “Drill here and drill now.”

The AP, doing their best version of the liberal appeasement shuffle, excuses the Iranian desire for nuclear power despite being awash in enough black gold to make Jed Clampett magenta with envy by suggesting their refinery capabilities don’t match their raw material output.

Here’s a suggestion: instead of building nukes, have the Iranians considered building REFINERIES? It’s not like they have to worry about the Sierra Club showing up to demonstrate — the Sierra Club is busy pretending global warming is real. Besides, the Sierra Club is stupid, not crazy. Protesting against American oil companies earns you donations from Sean Penn. Protesting against Iranian anything earns you a bullet.

Three weeks ago, I penned “The Lapdogs Of War” for Personal Liberty Digest in which I suggested that the time had not yet arrived for war with Iran. Ham-fisted foreign policy, especially with regards to the evil-dwarf regime running the show in Tehran makes a concerted military effort dubious at best.

In a hypothetical conflict, the United States vs. Iran would be shorter than Ahmadinejad without the lifts in his shoes. Sadly, the fact that Obama has alternated between apologizing to murderous dictatorships for the American pursuit of freedom and cowering like a frightened 5-year-old in a thunderstorm every time one of these tin pots starts banging his cymbals together assures we would end up bogged down in the mother of all Mesopotamian quagmires.

However, while our current ruling elite may have brought back the idiotic foreign policy malaise of Jimmy Carter, who was such a sniveling knot head when it came to dealing with global hostilities that his biggest military engagement was a loss in the Battle of the Chattahoochee Bunny; there is an alternative: Israel.

Now, I know many of my fellow Bob Livingstonians consider allowing Israel off the leash to be anathema at best, but consider the alternatives. Our current ruling elite is less likely to lead a successful military effort than House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) is to turn down free Botox®. And given the green light on turning Bushehr into an even more inhospitable sandbox than it already is, Israel would light these guys up like a Menorah on… whatever day it is that a Menorah is fully lit.

When Saddam Hussein tried to enact his original nuclear ambitions, Israel hit the off switch at Osirak (built, perhaps tellingly, by the French) with a sledgehammer, killing the Iraqis’ chances at debuting the world’s first atomic arsenal in the hands of a complete lunatic (not counting Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, Andropov, Chernenko and Xiaoping.) Iran has already admitted plans to construct an additional dozen nuclear plants in mountain strongholds.

Iran has also repeatedly promised the complete destruction of Israel. Iran ALSO has missiles which put Tel Aviv well within range. Israel has no problem kicking hostile Islamofascist regimes in the teeth. Given their track record in that area, they’re pretty good at it.

A pre-emptive Israeli strike on Bushehr might lead to open warfare in the Middle East. A nuclear-armed Iran will, by its own admission, almost certainly lead to open warfare in the Middle East. The former might well involve American money. The latter might well involve American lives. Combining the possibility that Iranian aggression may well be backed by Russian and/or Chinese men and materiel with Obama’s weak-kneed tendencies, a nuclear-armed Iran could well spell Big Trouble in Little Tehran.

Iran has stepped up its schedule with surprising speed. In addition to the Bushehr reactor, they also used the weekend to debut a new Qiam-1 medium range missile and even capped off their Sunday with a ceremony to introduce the world to an unmanned bomber which Ahmadinejad dubbed their “ambassador of death.”

Given the Iranian regime’s rhetoric, when they can start trying to dictate the terms of the nuclear conversation, they will. I’d rather gamble with Israeli lives than our own. And with our current Commander-in-Chief more interested in engaging Arizona law enforcement than Islamofascist terrorism, the odds on the table are nowhere near worth our chips.

Perhaps most telling of all: I considered offering this piece to President Obama for comment, but he was on vacation… again.