The Lawyer, The Liberals And The Law

When I first saw the headline: “Muslims Sue to Remove Crosses at Catholic University,” my common sense-alarms began shrieking like Democrats trying to shout down an intelligent guest speaker.

Granted, one could remove the identifier “Muslims” and still have a headline which would deliver a frown to the face of virtually anyone above Ed Schultz on the human evolutionary scale. But the idea of a bunch of Muslims who willingly chose to matriculate to the private Catholic University are actually suing because the place just seems too “Christian-ish” is the sort of stupid you can usually only catch on MSNBC. Keep in mind that “Catholic University” is not a reference to an individual Catholic university; “Catholic University” in this case is the NAME OF THE FREAKING SCHOOL!

 “My, Akbar! What a marvelous university we have chosen!”

 “Indeed, Mustafa. If only there were fewer infidel symbols about. It really offends my delicate sensibilities.”

However, before you begin spitting epithets at poor Akbar and Mustapha, a caveat: they have nothing to do with this scurrilous outrage. In fact, not ONE Muslim is a complainant in the lawsuit against Catholic U. So, who possesses the unmitigated gall required to defile an American courtroom in such a manner it requires a particularly abominable character — someone of such low moral fiber, with such a clouded soul they would give Hannibal Lecter pause?

Meet John Banzhaf, George Washington University law professor, infamous uber-litigator and an ambulance-chasing, frivolous lawsuit-bringing parasite who is so deservedly reviled for his litigious ways that he makes even former Democrat Vice Presidential nominee John Edwards look like Clarence Darrow.

If you haven’t heard of Banzhaf, count yourself lucky. In addition to being a prominent member of the American liberal movement — in itself a refuge for many of the most twisted and deficient cretins in the nation (see also: fleabaggers), Banzhaf is essentially the living embodiment of the reason Americans hate trial lawyers.

Think of the guys who advertise on buses, phone books and late night television. The guys who promise should you slip and fall in your neighbor’s driveway, he’ll get you a “SUPER SETTLEMENT;” even if that means bankrupting your neighbors, the contractor who built the driveway, the company which makes the asphalt the contractor used, and your city for approving the installation of such a slippery place.

Now think of that briefcase-toting slug on steroids. Banzhaf is the bottom-feeder who sues pretty much anyone from whom he thinks he can abscond with money; no matter how devoid of merit his actions might be.

Of course, Banzhaf is pursuing this latest legal-beagling for the same reason Democrat leaders do anything: good, old-fashioned hypocritical greed. His actions, though revolting, are no different than liberal icon, Halliburton investor and war profiteer Michael Moore urging his followers to abhor the wealthy while he sits on a pile of money.

Banzhaf is suing Catholic U. for the same reason Nancy Pelosi shrieks about the plight of the poor from her multi-million dollar palace in San Francisco. Banzhaf’s motives are the same as those of President and Mrs. Obama, who can call themselves “warriors for the middle class” while spending millions on Spanish vacations and separate planes to Martha’s Vineyard (where Michelle will nag people about their diets in between spoonfuls of Crisco® straight from the can).

In the case of Banzhaf’s latest assault on dignity, there are real victims beyond the mindless drones who offer fealty to filth like Moore and the Obamas: the students in whose name Banzhaf filed the suit.

There are moments when the actions of SOME Muslims border on the cringe-worthy. And as I have noted before, most of the basic tenets of Islam really don’t work for me. The often brutal subjugation of women, the pre-industrial attitudes of many Muslims and the ban on bacon cheeseburgers are all deal-breakers for me.

However, not all Muslims are terrorists. Not all Muslims are troglodyte repressors. And absolutely NO Muslims are suing Catholic University over the ubiquity of Christian imagery at that well-respected institution. Instead, they’re being used as props in the same appalling hypocrisy which marks virtually every liberal action.

 Now they know how we feel.

–Ben Crystal

The Dream Team

During the run-up to the 2008 Democratic Presidential nomination, the relationship between the competing Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama campaigns plumbed impressive depths, culminating in now-Secretary of State Clinton’s poorly worded intimation that Obama might not serve out his entire term.

But President Obama managed to bury the hatchet (although perhaps not in the precise spot for which he was aiming). The two camps put aside their differences with Obama’s nomination of Clinton to the Nation’s top diplomatic post. With Clinton relegated to the State Department, Obama could focus on his top priorities: blaming others for his failures, remaining “unaware” of malfeasance in his cabinet, grubbing for cash with Lady Gaga and playing golf.

Nonetheless, with America waking to the reality that Obama makes Jimmy Carter look like Andrew Jackson, Obama better start bringing his A game. Otherwise, he and Hillary can discuss what might have been over coffee in the Berkeley poli-sci department. Meanwhile, I thought it might be fun to imagine what might be. Therefore, I humbly present my ideal version of the leadership of the nation post-2012.

I did not include the entire cabinet in my musings. On one hand, I suspect most of you share my opinion that the Office of the United States Trade Representative can be filled by almost anyone who recognizes that prostrating ourselves before the ChiComs is a bad idea. On the other hand, in my utopian Presidency, there is no Department of Education, so the Secretary thereof can go back to colluding with teachers’ union thugs.

Meet the Presidential ticket: Cain/Paul 2012. That’s right, I said Herman Cain and Ron Paul, not the reverse. Cain’s close ties to questionable institutions like the Federal Reserve will be reined in by his close proximity to the brilliant Paul, and Cain will present a much more electable face than Paul, who is less palatable to moderates. Cain also possesses a certain presence which Paul — who looks every one of his 76 years — lacks. Additionally, Cain is better suited to the diplomatic obligations of the Presidency. I understand that many of you are die-hard Paul supporters and will, therefore, curse a blue streak at my conjecture. To you, I say: Think of it as a co-Presidency. It could hardly be worse than the last one; Hillary isn’t involved.

Serving at the pleasure of President Cain and Vice President Paul will be the following:

White House Chief of Staff: I could go the same route as Obama did and select a spectacularly profane man who looks like an extra from a zombie film. However, Rahm Emanuel is busy in Chicago, and Carl Paladino would scare off all the interns. I suggest the anti-Rahm: Representative Eric Cantor (R-Va.). Cantor is bright, direct and reliably conservative. He possesses the same grit and determination that Emanuel displays, with neither the crippling liberalism nor the visage of Nosferatu’s younger brother.

Secretary of State: Ambassador John R. Bolton. Bolton possesses diplomatic acumen forged through years of foreign service, and he is specifically versed in the worst of growth industries: weapons of mass destruction. As an added bonus, Democrats so abhor the man for his unwavering belief in American greatness in the global arena that they filibustered his U.N. nomination, forcing President Bush to recess-appoint him. That has to be a plus in any conservative’s estimation.

Secretary of the Treasury: Senator Rand Paul (R-Ky.). With both Paul and his father close to the top of the Administration, the American economy will benefit from the presence of not one, but two Horatios at the bridge. Senator Paul is the type who would assign his Secret Service protection detail to keeping a 24/7 watch on the national checkbook. Something tells me he would also revoke the Fed’s visitor passes. At the very least, I’ll bet he can navigate the logical labyrinth that is the TurboTax® software.

Secretary of Defense: former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. If you thought Donald Rumsfeld was tough, say hello to his iron-willed sister. Rice has already proved she knows no fear, and her presence in the Administration will make our more-organized enemies (think the ChiComs and whoever is in charge of the increasingly unhinged Russian Federation) remember their place. Rice engenders universal respect, which is a powerful resume addition when dealing with both military leaders and the lowest-ranking service members.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Joe Arpaio, the sheriff of Maricopa County in Arizona. Give Sheriff Joe six months, and the 38th Parallel in Korea will have to hand over the Most-Heavily-Militarized-Border-on-the-Planet belt. If Arpaio gets the nod, buy stock in electric fencing and anti-personnel mine manufacturers. And gone will be the days of airport security personnel who are fat guys with mustard stains on their shirts. Instead, the guys at the metal detector will be Navy SEALs who will look twice at the dude wearing the dishdasha, but won’t molest your 4-year old.

Secretary of the Interior: former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. We’ve all seen the helicopter-coyote-hunting videos. Who better to handle the trials of wildlife policy than someone who has actually seen wildlife in places other than documentaries? As for resource exploitation: “Drill here, drill now.” Yes, ma’am, Madame Secretary.

Attorney General: For the nation’s top cop, I initially considered former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani. However, his views on the 2nd amendment don’t necessarily jibe with mine, and that’s a deal breaker. I want an Attorney General who is tough on crime, tough on terrorism, tough on immigration and will pursue real bad guys without wasting time and tax dollars on harassing the enemies of the President and his cronies.  I wonder if former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez would consider returning to the Justice Department?

Secretary of Health and Human Services: former Senator Bill Frist (R-Tenn.). He’s a doctor, not a lawyer, which means he’s head and shoulders above anyone associated with Hillarycare, Obamacare or any of the other socialist systems the Democrats seem to have lifted from the let’s-be-just-like-Cuba playbook. Judging by his performance during the regrettable Terri Schiavo affair, he’s also capable of delivering diagnoses via photograph and video. All right, that’s silly; but it’s no sillier than letting the ambulance-chasers take control of the people waiting for the ambulances.

Secretary of Agriculture: Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels. Daniels possesses real executive experience at the Federal level as the former Director of the Office of Management and Budget. He’s the Governor of a grain and farm belt State. In addition, he stood up to the Scientologists, which has no bearing on his potential effectiveness as Agriculture Secretary, but it does mean he’s not big with the Hollywood crowd. That must count for something.

Secretary of Labor: Raymond J. LaJeunesse Jr. Who? Vice President and Legal Director of the National Right to Work Legal Defense Foundation, that’s who. In the Cain/Paul Administration, the focus will be on productive and working Americans, not union thugs. It’s about damned time someone sat down in the Secretary’s chair who knows that Taft-Hartley isn’t a prep school in New England.

Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs: How many of you were even aware that Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs is a cabinet-level post? The way the Democrats treat the military, I suspect Secretary Eric Shinseki spends a fair amount of time polishing his medals. Let’s replace him with the war hero whom the Democrat-controlled Senate promised not to reconfirm as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: Retired Gen. Peter Pace. As the old sage says: Send in the Marines.

I am aware that I left a few cabinet posts unaccounted for. Some were excluded for lack of space. Others didn’t make the cut because President Cain and Vice President Paul took the proverbial axe to their departments. Who needs an Ambassador to the U.N. after we evict the U.N. from its cushy Upper East Side digs? And with the Cain/Paul Administration wresting control of the Nation’s education from the grasping paws of bureaucratic functionaries, the Department of Education is rendered as useful as Joe Biden at a Mensa conference.

You’re all welcome, as always, to offer your own suggestions. Mr. Livingston doesn’t delete even the remarkably absurd remarks from the comments section below. After all, this isn’t Dailykos.com. I am aware that many of you will take umbrage with some of my choices. Keep in mind, mine is a somewhat utopian concept of what government might look like after 2012. Think of it as hope… for a change.

–Ben Crystal

This Is My Country

Every year at this time, I pack up my blaze orange, my snake boots and my 12 gauge, and I travel to the sort of place in which the average Democrat would be as comfortable as Janet Napolitano in a bikini contest. By the time you read this, I’ll be stomping through fields of corn and sunflowers, surrounded by nature’s bounty in the plains of South Dakota. Deer will frolic, coyotes will skulk and pheasants — well — pheasants will die. Quite a few pheasants will die.

My father accompanies me on this trip each year. Actually, I am still allowed to accompany him, even after that regrettable incident with the truck a few years ago. (To this day, I maintain that I did not bury the truck side well-deep in the mud. The trail wandered, and I had to swerve to miss that combine that someone foolishly left in the middle of that huge field — also, I was trying to light a cigarette at the time.) While on our trip, my father and I eat red and brown food, drink red and brown booze, smoke cigars and generally act in exactly the manner my mother thinks we do.

But the annual “Crystal boys” retreat has come to mean a great deal more than simply spending a week acting like an overgrown fraternity brother with men who either have reached the age at which they should know better (my father is in his mid-70s) or men who know men who know men who should know better (I am considerably younger). Truth be told, my own purpose actually overshadows even the lofty goal of allowing my mother a few days of peace and quiet. Amid the general carousing and camaraderie, I find something I miss throughout the rest of the year.

The lodge in which we stay sits in a town of about 150 people. To get there, we fly into the airport in Bismarck, N.D., and then proceed to drive south for a couple of hours through some of the most blessedly magnificent land in our great Nation. There are vistas which can claim greater grandeur: the towering majesty of the Rockies, the Lord’s palette which is an Atlantic coastal sunrise, and even the gargantuan geometry of the Manhattan skyline, to name but a few. The high plains are fairly flat and almost ubiquitously beige. There is no hum of traffic, no roar of industry and no urban glare. Nearby Lake Oahe is fine for fishing, but it’s hardly the stuff of an Ansel Adams photo. The Black Hills are hours to the west. The Missouri River rolls through, but without much whitewater fanfare. The fields run off to the horizon in every direction. Yet, it is as beautiful a place as God in His infinite wisdom ever created. Out here, hundreds of miles from anywhere most people will ever visit, I see America.

Some might think this place — and its people — simple. But they are far from it. The people out here are what the sage might call “the salt of the Earth,” although even that phrase fails to do them credit. These are the people whom liberals deride as “hicks” and “hayseeds.” President Barack Obama isn’t going to visit anytime soon; there are no smug Hollywood millionaires about. The people who work this land work hard; the union thugs would hardly recognize them. Plus, getting a stretch limousine through a sorghum field is nearly impossible. Farming is everything here, the alpha and the omega of the regional economy; and these people understand the value of their labors. Trying to abscond with their hard-won earnings and handing them off to the bottom-feeders in the basement of the Democratic Party would be, in a word, unwise.

Much like this land, the people out here are tough, but they are humble. They give thanks at every meal and celebrate every day as a gift from the Almighty. This is America is it was and still can be. I don’t mean we should all trade in the minivan for a John Deere and sell the townhouse for a few acres of loam. Most of us would starve to death, and the liberals would go stir crazy once they realized the nearest Starbucks® is 200 miles away. But there’s a valuable lesson to be learned out here: This is a great Nation, populated by great people.

Thank You, God, for letting me live in this country. And don’t worry, Mom. Pop is fine.

–Ben Crystal

President Two-Face

I’ve seen the Democrats’ latest attempts to recast President Barack Obama as some kind of latter-day Alexander the Great. I’ve observed from Outside The Asylum as the same liberals who castigated President George W. Bush, President George H.W. Bush and President Ronald Reagan (but not President Bill Clinton) for their warlike ways have suddenly tried to recast themselves as latter-day Gen. George Pattons.

Obama, for whom they voted based on a tenuous combination of racism, hatred and shared opposition to securing freedom against the onslaught of Islamofascism and socialism, has taken to strutting around the golf course like the conquering hero in the wake of the brutal execution of Libyan dictator and terrorist benefactor Moammar Gadhafi.

Democratic mouthpieces far and wide are bleating their continued fealty to his belatedly bloodthirsty Presidency. Even infamously battle-averse Obama court jester Bill Maher took a break from his usual public displays of what appear to be some serious mommy issues to praise Obama as “President Badass.” Maher even went so far as to praise the use of unmanned drones of late, an interesting departure from his claim that the use of cruise missiles after 9-11 was “cowardly.”

Far be it for me to point out that Obama had as much to do with the execution of Gadhafi as Maher has with women who don’t charge by the hour. But Obama took victory laps through the corporate media in the wake of the executions of Osama bin Laden and Anwar al-Awlaki, so it should hardly come as a surprise that he’s shined up his jack boots following Gadhafi’s death at the hands of Libyans. My real confusion centers on the Democrats who were positively aghast when Bush directed the effort to clear the planet of Islamofascist vermin are now positively aghast that Obama isn’t amassing praise for the same.

Don’t mistake me here. I fully support the prejudicial termination of pretty much every Tariq, Dhakir or Haji who dreams of killing Americans (or coaxing Akbar from the falafel stand into doing it). I say so despite disagreement with people for whom I have the utmost respect, even Bob Livingston himself. I believe the world is a better place without bin Laden, al-Awlaki and Gadhafi, three ticks who gleefully embedded themselves in the hide of humanity — and encouraged others to do the same — for decades. But why in the name of Allah are liberals so excited? What happened to the “war criminal” charges they heaved at Bush and Dick Cheney? Who hit the mute button and stifled their cries of freedom for the poor jihadis currently (still) cooling their heels in Gitmo?

Meanwhile, Obama has suddenly acknowledged we still have troops in Iraq, and that they’ll be coming home soon. As is the case with most Obama proclamations, I’ll believe it when the last soldier disembarks from the plane. Hopefully, the tarmac on which that soldier’s boots gently tread will be in the United States and not in Libya (which has already announced Sharia law as the basis for its developing government), Uganda (yes, we have troops there) or Tunisia (where Islamofascists are poised to take control).

However, now that Obama has abandoned his stand against American military interventionism, I suppose I’ll just have to hope that whichever Republican sends Obama packing next November will deliver — well — change.

–Ben Crystal

 

The Plane Truth

Just across the Savannah River from the town in which I currently reside lies a blessed land of golf courses and archaic blue laws. South Carolina is home to Hilton Head Island, Myrtle Beach and some other noteworthy stuff. I kid my Palmetto State brethren, saying that South Carolina is rich with history and ripe with verdant luxury (especially the Bermuda-grass type). I’m willing to look the other way on the booze restrictions if they’re willing to look the other way when I duck-hook a three-wood into Calibogue Sound.

South Carolina wants what every State hopes for in today’s economic wasteland: more jobs. Fortunately for South Carolinians, their State isn’t run by the Democrats. South Carolina operates as a right-to-work State. That means citizens may work without checking their dignity, independence and a good portion of their hard-earned dough at the door to the local labor union offices (from whence it will be disbursed to the Democrats for whom they didn’t vote).

Courtesy of the Taft-Hartley Act, South Carolina disallows the Democrats’ union-thug protection racket in favor of opportunities for its citizens. Unfortunately, many of its citizens have been victimized by that other liberal abomination:  the teachers’ union. Thus, South Carolina, like many places dealing with even a moderate infestation of liberals, sees simultaneous feast and famine. South Carolina residents are free to work without a forced donation to the International Brotherhood of Fat Guys Wearing Track Suits and Gold Chains; but many of them are unable to do so, having had the sense stomped out of them by the International Personhood (I’m sure they’d insist on that) of People Who Finagled Teaching Certificates Despite Being Unable to Spell “Certificate.”

But the teachers’ union/Democratic Party war on our children’s gray matter is a topic for another column. The union/Democratic Party war on our paychecks is on display in South Carolina, where Boeing Co. wants to create thousands of jobs in a 787 Dreamliner assembly plant. The union thugs, outraged that Boeing would decide to build the plane in a State other than decidedly pro-union Washington, have contracted none other than the purportedly pro-jobs Obama Administration as a button man.

The Boeing plant opened in June, but it may well be forced to close, depending on the outcome of a case currently wending through the courts. That case features Boeing facing a fairly well-funded adversary: President Barack Obama. Lest someone claim that Obama himself is not involved, let me point out that the actual malefactor is the National Labor Relations Board. However, the NLRB is guided by Acting General Counsel Lafe Solomon, a far-left flunky who — along with fellow job-killer Craig Becker — had to be recess-appointed to his post after Republican Senators indicated they had read their resumes. Solomon = Obama (and vice versa, given Obama’s limited acumen).

The NLRB under Solomon’s guidance is nothing more than an extension of the Obama Administration, which is noteworthy because the Obama Administration is an extension of the union thugs — at least regarding employment law. The NLRB is fighting Boeing on the Dreamliner plant because the union thugs think Boeing opened the plant only to escape their clutches in Washington. From my perspective, that seems like good policy; look what the unions did for General Motors Co. and Chrysler. However, the NLRB has proven no such malfeasance on the part of Boeing, while playing some hanky-panky of its own.

Congressman Darrell Issa subpoenaed NLRB records pertaining to the Boeing case only to be rebuffed by an agency which evidently believes “contempt of Congress” is akin to a parking ticket (it really, really isn’t). Meanwhile, documents obtained this week by Judicial Watch under the Freedom of Information Act reveal the NLRB’s motives, including two NLRB lawyers openly cheering a union thug press release defaming Boeing: “Hooray for the red, white and blue!” Another features NLRB Region 19 Regional Director Richard Ahearn (the guy who signed off on the anti-Boeing action) evidently promising to defy an Issa subpoena.

Obama is currently on a campaign swing, whining about how the Republican Party is to blame for the Democrat-controlled Senate killing his pretend-jobs bill. Meanwhile, his Administration is threatening the actual jobs of thousands of South Carolinians. A glance at the NLRB website offers statements regarding employee rights to unionize and/or engage in what they call “protected concerted activity” (aka acting like a union). It also mentions protections for unions themselves. I couldn’t find anything about Americans’ rights to simply work. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard that from Obama, either.

Something’s Rotten

I do so love the scent of autumn. The crisp air is rich with the essence of nature’s fireworks, mingling delicately in the breeze with burning logs in happy homes, potpourri cooking on kitchen stoves… and the body odor of overeducated-yet-underinformed college students, their pseudo-academic professors, bloated millionaire and billionaire Democratic donors and fading Hollywood cretins. But noisome as the so-called “occupiers” may be, they’re about as novel a political movement as the Soviet Politburo.

Meanwhile, the redolence of brainless adolescents, ivory tower refugees, babbling Hollywood players and the billionaire liberal hypocrites who bankroll operations like the “Occupy” movement is made all the more rank by another stench: pure political desperation.

During a Sunday afternoon speech, President Barack Obama, who has been blowing kisses to the occupiers from across the political room, began playing the un-neutered puppy to the occupy movement’s exposed leg. Obama faces public dissatisfaction rivaling the sad days of Jimmy Carter’s Presidency: an economy his party has thrown into the deep end chained to a cinder block, a scandal-ridden cabinet whose peccadilloes include a gunrunning operation which involved more dead bodies than a Kennedy road trip, and a crowning achievement — Obamacare — which is dying like a sick old man denied care by a death panel.

The President needs help. He needs votes. He needs someone other than the sideshow freaks on MSNBC to take him seriously. So on Sunday afternoon, Obama turned to the only group of people silly enough to consider voting for his re-election and said he “…will continue to acknowledge the (occupier) frustration that he himself shares… if asking a billionaire to pay the same tax rate as a plumber, a teacher or a bus driver makes me a warrior for the middle class, I will wear that charge with honor.”

Begging the President’s pardon, but to which “frustration” might he be referring? He knocks down close to a half-million dollars a year in salary, dines regularly with billionaire entertainment magnates like Oprah Winfrey and is guaranteed the lifetime of easy excess granted to ex-Presidents. He has ascended the loftiest heights of political fortune in a remarkably short time despite a lack of meaningful experience, and he is backed by a king’s ransom paid by the same people the so-called “occupiers” claim to revile. He’s as attuned to the daily travails of average Americans as Nancy Pelosi is to the sort of real work done by “plumbers.”

And his claim to represent the self-and-grossly-inaccurately-monikered “99%” is laughable. Unless he is doing his taxes the same way Secretary of the Treasury Geithner did his, he is firmly planted in the “1%.” And why not wear the “1%” label like a badge of honor? That 1 percent covers close to 40 percent of the nation’s tax bill each year. Nevertheless, whether one employs the Obama litmus test of owning a corporate jet or earning more than $200,000 per year, Obama is very much one of the occupiers’ hated by “them.”

I suppose he should count himself lucky that the average “occupier” is about as astute as the sheep in the back of the flock. Furthermore, he enjoys the undying fealty of the corporate media, who have simultaneously offered both him and the occupiers underserved legitimacy. Add to that the fact that his party’s money and influence has turned what might have been a voice against injustice into the America-hating, flag-defiling, epithet-hurling asylum the Tea Party was wrongly accused of being, and he has a clear strategy: Identify himself with the Fleabagger mob and beg for their votes.

He may well pull off this “man of the people” charade, although I suspect he’s going to be disappointed that the “occupiers” don’t represent 99 percent of anyone except the audience at the Bonnaroo music festival. And he’s not fooling me for an instant; I can smell him from here.

–Ben Crystal

Razing Cain

It strikes me that as long as the race card remains in the American socioeconomic deck, liberals will play it like they were splitting a pair of aces at a Vegas blackjack table. President Barack Obama has skated past disasters which would have sunk some Presidencies as if they were involved in a scandal to falsify testimony in front of Congress to hide a nine-figure boondoggle which armed narcoterrorists and caused the deaths of two Federal law enforcement… ooh, this is awkward. But I’m a racist for mentioning it. The Tea Party is racist, too. You’re racist for nodding your head at the opening sentence. To be fair, there is real racism in America. There are real victims who really suffer, but Obama is not among them.

If you’re looking for the face of true targets of racism, 2011-style, look no further than Herman Cain. Cain’s campaign attracted little attention at its outset, deservedly so. Cain was a successful businessman and known conservative among those familiar with him. But he was hardly a national presence and even less of a political force. Cain has come on strong of late, and he has begun attracting attention from the deepest pits of the Democratic Party.

Cain is a conservative, and liberals hate him for it. Indeed, the very same Democrats who employ the brickbat charge of racism in defense of every entry on Obama’s prodigious resume of failure are running out of a playbook most Americans haven’t seen since Robert Byrd was still playing with Klansman action figures.

Comedienne and leading liberal philosopher Janeane Garofalo noted Cain’s growing surge in early August by declaring on Keith Olbermann’s nightly hatefest: “Herman Cain… is being paid by somebody to be involved and to run for president.” She’s saying Cain is no more than a paid minstrel, dancing like a calliope monkey. For his part, Olbermann wondered if Cain suffers from “…delusions of grandeur or are (Republicans) just taking advantage of him?” Of course, Olbermann never considered the possibility that Cain is an intelligent businessman who created his own personal and financial successes through hard work and dedication. For the record, Garofalo and Olbermann, in addition to being Democratic heavyweights, are only slightly darker than Edgar Winter.

But nothing could have prepared me for putty-faced liberal sock puppet Lawrence O’Donnell’s assault on Cain last Thursday. O’Donnell, whose racist streak is well-documented, once claimed Michael Steele was “dancing” for his “real master… the Republican National Committee.” To suggest that O’Donnell peppered Cain with racist invective is to suggest that Obama is on the fence about Saul Alinsky. O’Donnell attempted nothing less than a prime-time lynching. In questioning Cain’s commitment to racial equality, O’Donnell attacked Cain’s father for successfully keeping Cain focused on individual achievement, saying:

Where do you think black people would be sitting on the bus today if Rosa Parks had followed your father’s advice?… You watched black college students from around the country and white college students from around the country come to the South and be murdered, fighting for the rights of African-Americans. Do you regret sitting on those sidelines at that time?

The same man who thinks Scott Brown is a disgrace to the Senate seat once held by Clarence Thomas lynch mob member Ted Kennedy did everything but set a cross on fire on his set. It’s worth noting that O’Donnell’s program is preceded by Al Sharpton’s hour of rage. To my knowledge, Herman Cain never smeared human feces on a teenage girl in furtherance of a fraudulent conspiracy; but evidently, Sharpton exemplifies the white liberal ideal of a “good” black man. Granted, Sharpton is filth; but who the hell is O’Donnell to think Cain, Obama or even Sharpton want, need or care about his estimation of their racial credentials?

To Cain’s credit, he remained composed and dignified throughout O’Donnell’s spectacularly bigoted ranting. If some liberal talking hairdo took a shot at my old man, I admit I would have struggled to keep from knocking his teeth out.

During Tuesday night’s Republican Presidential debate, the other GOP contenders began focusing their discontent on Cain. But their objections had nothing to do with race. Congressman Ron Paul quite reasonably socked him for his unnerving defense of the Federal Reserve. Cain faced opposition to his 9-9-9 plan. (He should; the Fair Tax is a better system). They treated him in the same manner they treated each other, like a political adversary.

They treated him like an equal. There’s another “teachable moment” for the Democrats.

–Ben Crystal