Sorry State Of The Union

My fellow Americans:

What an honor to be standing above you this evening. I mean for you, of course. Tonight, you mark the third anniversary of my ascent. With your continued obedience, it will not be my last. In fact, if all my plans for you come to fruition, I figure I’ve got at least 30 more of these to go.

I would like to first acknowledge some noteworthies. Seated behind me is the Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden. Hey, Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe, put down the sippy cup! Did you remember to go before we started?

Seated next to Vice President Biden is Speaker of the House John “The Man with the Tan” Boehner. Eventually, I’ll be able to book you a spot where you will really sport a savage tan. The Guantanamo Bay Spa? Bring your sand wedge, buddy.

And where’s my Michelle? Heck, you can’t miss her. Get moving, right to the Taco Bell! What? I figure since we already use two of everything else: limos, Air Force jets and vacations, we might as well use both bedrooms, right? That’s a nice dress, honey. Which one of your taxpayer-funded, take-along-a-few-dozen-of-your-best-friends-and-live-it-up-like-Oprah trips did you pick that one up on? Are those diamonds? Isn’t being rich awesome?

Where’s my other girl? Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi! Hey, Nancy, why so surprised? Oh, um, right. Awkward. But seriously, what a job she did laying the groundwork for my invasi — er — election! How many people watching this even remember that the House approval ratings under Nancy’s Speakership were as crappy as they are now? Oh, right. We suppressed that, didn’t we? Nancy, of all the duplicitous, multimillionaire hypocrites at the top of the liberal food chain, you’re definitely one.

And there’s Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Harry, you can put Nancy’s purse down when you’re in chambers, pal. How long has it been since you and your fellow Senate Democrats have even offered a budget? I think I was still helping ACORN fill out absentee ballots the last time.

Down to my left, the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Guys, I know I ran on an anti-war platform, but no one told me blowing stuff up is so awesome! Did you see that resurgence of Gadhafi loyalists in Libya? Come by the Situation Room tomorrow. We’re going to continue the war we were never fighting to begin with over there. Grab some of the boys I deployed to Uganda without telling anyone. And we need to go over our plan for the invasion of Iran, toward which we are totally not ramping.

Down in front: the Supreme Court of the United States, the last line of defense of the Constitution — whatever the hell that is. Keep whispering, Justices Thomas and Alito. Attorney General Eric Holder needs to see you after the speech tonight, boys.

And where’s Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor? Hey, Mitch: I’ve decided to declare you in session. Now, you’re not. Now, you are. Now, you’re not. Ha-ha-ha! Don’t you glare at me. Ask Senator Rand Paul what happens to prominent opposition politicians who hassle me. Dr. Jellyfinger to the House Chamber, stat!

Up in the gallery: the corporate media. Without your willing complicity, this would be a whole lot more difficult. “Any criticism of Obama is code for racism.” That’s brilliant. And you conservative commentators? Four words: National Defense Authorization Act. Four more: indefinite detention without trial. You feeling me?

As for the State of the Union: I have moved us from two shooting wars to 2½. If the timing works, Iran will be next. The economy is in the toilet, and I intend to close the lid and nail it shut. We’re going to beg, borrow and steal whatever we need to push pet projects like Solyndra and cover cronies like Jeff Immelt when he sends jobs overseas. More Americans than ever are on government assistance; and if I have anything to do with it, we’re going to make that a clean 100 percent. Meanwhile, most of my “achievements” have forced us to run up debt like a second wife on Rodeo Drive. Don’t worry, though. We’ll bill your grandchildren.

To liberals watching me tonight: Keep it up, and we’ll put you on the top of the approval list for one of GM’s combustible golf carts. To the non-liberals: Pay no attention to the Homeland Security strike team outside your front door.

Good night and Alla — er — God bless me!

–Ben Crystal

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Convention

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, fresh from his win — er, loss — er, tie — with Rick Santorum in Iowa, dropped the proverbial house on the field in his part-time home State of New Hampshire. Following his Granite State triumph, Romney rolled into South Carolina wearing his new title of “presumptive nominee.”

Then, the Romney Express missed the curve and slammed face-first into the wall at full speed. Normally, conservatives would cheer the defeat of the only-marginally-better-than-Barack-Obama Romney. Unfortunately, normal didn’t make the trip to the Palmetto State. Instead of a candidate who can untangle America from the Gordian knots of Obama’s hyper-liberal Administration, South Carolinians handed their delegates to Newt Gingrich. You’ll pardon me if I seem less than enthused.

The news gets worse. Gingrich’s beat down of his rivals touched off a tsunami of second-guessing among the GOP establishment. Now, a party that was ready to hand the crown and scepter to Romney has skipped the off-ramp and accelerated down Unnecessarily Protracted and Bloody Nomination Fight Freeway. With Florida’s cache of delegates looming on the horizon, ex-Sunshine State Governor Jeb Bush has announced that he will reserve his endorsement. Certainly, Bush is as much a bellwether for the neocon wing of the Republican Party as anyone outside a certain Crawford, Texas, ranch. So the Republican candidates will spend months and millions of dollars going toe-to-toe while Obama waits, counting his multimillionaire cronies’ cash and further crushing the Nation’s hopes.

To add insult to injury, Gingrich led a field which included Romney in second and Santorum in third. Congressman Ron Paul, who remains the only candidate unblemished by political gamesmanship, Obamacare-type governmental intrusions, ties with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, million-dollar dances with Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae or worse, could manage only a fourth-place showing.

It strikes me that the GOP has forgotten the lesson the voters issued in 2010. Americans did everything short of handing pink slips to the entire Democratic Party. Had Obama faced re-election in November 2010, he would have been back to “community organizing” by January 2011. I am as mystified by the idea of an incremental return to mediocrity as I am by the idea that Obama’s ratings are any higher than those of MSNBC’s nightly freak show. Gingrich, Romney and Santorum to win, place and show in South Carolina? Need I remind anyone of liberty’s lost year of 2008? Should someone drag John McCain back into the ring?

The lone positive postcard from the Palmetto State is the apparent reluctance of Republican voters nationwide to simply hand the Oval Office keys to the latest RINO, to push his way to the front of the herd. Gingrich may have won a resounding victory in South Carolina, but he’s a far cry from the promised land. A Romney victory in Florida might well place Gingrich on the shelf with Rick Perry; crossing his fingers for a Vice Presidential bid. Santorum will run onward, but seems unlikely to visit the winner’s circle again after his did-he-or-didn’t-he win in Iowa. And Paul must wait — perhaps for a brokered convention in Tampa, Fla.

Obama’s tenure has been — to put it gently — an unmitigated disaster. In 2010, America called out for meaningful change, not the bumper-sticker babble that carried Obama to victory in 2008. Should the Republicans force the electorate to choose between the lesser of two evils in 2012, perhaps defeat is what they deserve.

Newsweek And The Infinite Monkey Theorem

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey given enough time at a keyboard can randomly produce the work of William Shakespeare. The logical basis for the theorem is mathematically sound: infinite opportunity makes the infinitesimally unlikely likely, even eventually assured. Some of the giants of human thought subscribe to the theorem.

Obviously, none of the icons of intellect ever picked up a copy of the liberal glossy Newsweek, nor read the pseudo-intellectual drivel of Andrew Sullivan. Had any of them happened upon the writings of the bastard progeny of Sidney Harman and Tina Brown, the infinite monkey theorem would have been called the infinite liberal theorem: Give a monkey enough time at a keyboard and whatever it produces will be closer to the work of the Bard than anything Newsweek might excrete — and that’s before the monkey stops throwing feces and starts typing.

Case in point: this week’s edition of Newsweek. The cover features one of those ubiquitous hero-angle photos of President Barack Obama, presumably feigning gravitas. Emblazoned on the cover is: “Why are Obama’s Critics so Dumb? Andrew Sullivan on the man with a plan.” The accompanying piece stretches across a few pages of what might have become a nice roll of toilet paper and offers nothing more than another lusty love letter to Obama from a liberal propagandist masquerading as a journalist.

Sullivan, an admitted “unabashed supporter” of all things Obama, earns his pom-poms. He writes: “Obama has delivered in a way that the unhinged right and purist left have yet to understand or absorb.” Sullivan calls those who recognize Obama as a corrupt, reprobate disgrace “unhinged.” He refers to those who expect Obama to adhere to stringently liberal standards as “purists.” In fact, the concept of conservatives displaying “an apocalyptic fervor” whereas liberals are merely “disappointed” is a theme to which Sullivan returns throughout the piece.

Of course, Sullivan negates his own credibility by dubbing himself a “conservative-minded independent.” If you’re confused by the idea of someone who subscribes to the appalling, liberal-perpetrated “Trig Truther” slander (in which Democrats question the parentage of Sarah Palin’s child) referring to himself as a “conservative-minded” anything, welcome to the club.

The rest of the piece contains the same prosaic pattern of pabulum consistently proffered by smug liberal pinheads. Sullivan refers to the un-Constitutional behemoth Obamacare as “moderate.” (Granted, from the perspective of an über-liberal lightweight like Sullivan, it may well be.) He also manages to put a happy face on the financial bloodbath of the government and union thug takeover of General Motors: “The bail-out of the auto industry was—amazingly—successful.” Never mind the multibillion-dollar losses which will be borne by the taxpayers in return for malfunctioning glorified go-carts. He throws in a few more howlers, for example: “Two moderately liberal women replaced men on the Supreme Court.”  (That’s from a perspective just to the left of Santa Monica, Calif.) He even cites the website as backup, which is a bit like suggesting that Bill Maher is funny because Rosie O’Donnell says so.

In splattering Newsweek’s pages with babble that reads like it was lifted from Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s diary, Sullivan somehow managed to miss Obama’s horrendous record on immigration, Operation Fast and Furious, Solyndra, LightSquared, Richard Cordray and the rest of the legion failures and scandals which are the real mileposts of Obama’s regrettable regime. Indeed, Sullivan even gives Obama’s signing of the criminal National Defense Authorization Act (breaking a campaign promise) a pass, suggesting that ending the mythical “torture” which he evidently believes regularly occurs in “military detention and military justice” is worth the trade.

Newsweek’s liberal bias is well-documented, as even former editor-at-large Evan Thomas has acknowledged. And Sullivan himself had no credibility to sacrifice; once you’ve bought into the “Trig truther” movement, you’ve sold your soul. What should raise eyebrows isn’t Newsweek toeing the Democrat line. What should raise eyebrows is the fact that mouthpieces like Newsweek, Sullivan and their ilk speak for a party and President who show such scorn for the rest of us.

The infinite monkey theorem suggests given enough time, a monkey could write the complete works of Shakespeare. I’m not sure how much time Newsweek and Sullivan would need to produce something praiseworthy. Someone call the monkey. I think we’ve found a task he can handle.


Given the endless series of crimes committed by President Barack Obama and his merry band of accomplices, it’s hard to imagine why the liberal elite have their panties in a knot over a video of a few Marines answering nature’s call while standing above the corpses of the latest Islamofascists to run headlong into the outstretched fist of the U.S. Military like so many bugs on a proverbial windshield.

Even a casual glance at the video reveals that the Marines lowered the population in the “wants to kill everyone who thinks women shouldn’t be forced to dress like beekeepers” demographic. The rest of the planet subsequently enjoys the removal of said homicidal vermin. And the terrorists get to be martyrs. Thanks to the Marines, everyone is a winner.

But someone isn’t happy. According to the usual liberal suspects, what the Marines in the video did was unconscionable. The Globe And Mail called the incident an “atrocity,” although it omitted the fact that the Taliban are dedicated to visiting atrocities to every human being on the planet who doesn’t share their twisted ideology. On the liberal Democratic hate-speech site, one of the bobbleheaded “diarists” called the Marines “absolute barbarians” and suggested urinating on dead Islamofascist terrorists “dehumanizes the enemy and turns them into monsters.” Sure, because up until Urinegate, the Taliban were the moral equivalent nursery school teachers with AK-47s.

Lest we forget, none other than the lord of the Dailykos manor — and prominent Democratic cheerleader — Marcos Moulitsas reacted to the Islamofascist murder, dismemberment, burning and hanging from a bridge of Americans by saying of the victims: “Screw them.” Meanwhile, the redoubtably liberal Daily Beast offered the “Taliban-on-the-street” perspective from “Taliban fighter” (but not “Taliban terrorist”) Jan Mohammad Khan: “These Americans have crossed the borders of civilization and humanity by disrespecting the dead.” Allah forbid the Marines offend the delicate sensibilities of someone who considers “honor killings” an admirable practice. Furthermore, just how much consideration should we offer to the same terrorists who duped an 8-year-old girl into becoming an unintentional suicide bomber?

The same liberals who shouted their support of Obama from the highest rooftops following the execution of the Taliban’s big buddy Osama bin Laden have decided “desecrating” the dead bodies of Islamofascists is despicable. I must admit that I don’t envy the liberals, who live in a world where the choices range between dichotomy and duplicity. Their outrage seems even more out of place when one considers the fact that even the Taliban appear not to share their perspective. Taliban spokes-terrorist Zabihullah Mujahid said: “The video will not harm our talks.”

Urinegate is hardly an unconscionable atrocity. Murdering, burning, dismembering and displaying the corpses of victims is an unconscionable atrocity. Beheading a civilian on camera is an unconscionable atrocity. Flying planes filled with civilians, including children, into buildings filled with civilians, including children, is an unconscionable atrocity. The only truly unconscionable aspect of Urinegate is the recording of the battlefield bladder-clearing. In the YouTube era, doing a Cecil B. DeMille when the critics include the Naval Criminal Investigative Service is just plain — pardon the pun — piss-poor performing. Far be it for me to suggest the Marine Corps train the boots at Parris Island to avoid actions which might engender noisy and noisome whining from the same crowd which considers “Hanoi Jane” Fonda a hero.

Additionally, the Marines’ actions draw the worst kind of attention from an Administration that happily assumes credit for military successes, but otherwise plans to send as many servicemembers as possible to the already overlong unemployment lines.

For those of you who remain unconvinced, consider this: I wouldn’t urinate on an Islamofascist if he were on fire. The Marines will. The hell with the courts-martial; give these guys the Nobel Peace Prize.

–Ben Crystal

The Path To Destruction

On Tuesday morning, President Obama signaled that more of his “change we can believe in” was approaching from south of the border. He promoted Cecilia Muñoz, a former lobbyist for the racist hate group National Council of La Raza, to the position of Director of the White House Domestic Policy Council.

The National Council of La Raza (which translates from the Spanish as the goose step-ish “The Race”) is part of a confederation of Hispanics-first mobs which also includes the openly racist M.E.Ch.A (Movimiento Estudiantil Chican@ de Aztlán) and La Raza Unida. All have uttered the even more goose step-ish phrase “Por La Raza todo, Fuera de La Raza nada” which translates from the Spanish as “For The Race everything, nothing out of the race.” It’s enough to make you wonder if the director of the La Raza marketing department is named something like Pedro Goebbels. Among the other stated goals of some of this crowd: the annexation by Mexico of sections of the American Southwest to Mexico. All right, but we get to keep Scottsdale, Ariz. And you get to evict the Marines at Camp Pendleton.

It might not seem all that shocking for a Democratic Party as clearly disinterested in any hindrances to their hegemony to offer a West Wing warrant to someone whose allegiances are at best a bit — ahem — caliente regarding sensible immigration policy. Nonetheless, the elevation of Muñoz is as loud a trumpet blast from Obama to the millions of illegal aliens that the traffic light at the border may soon change from yellow to green.

Cognizant of the fact that his tenure so far has barely cracked the window on failure, Obama is likely considering tapping a vast new reservoir of voting fuel. As in most instances involving the Democrats and their voter outreach programs, the law suffers. While groups like Muñoz’s former employers at La Raza might not be engaged in criminal conduct as brazen as the vermin at ACORN, there can be no doubt that their intentions are widely — and wildly — divergent from those held by those of us who recognize that illegal aliens do not arrive in spaceships.

The usual retinue of reprobates cheered Obama’s decision to elevate Muñoz to the DPC directorship. The pro-amnesty National Immigration Forum crowed: “With this move, the pressure is on the president to move forward with an aggressive domestic (immigration) policy agenda.” House Minority Leader and whitebread multimillionaire Nancy Pelosi boasted that Muñoz:

…has developed strong relationships with members of Congress in Washington and activists nationwide, and a sterling reputation as a powerful voice on behalf of comprehensive, compassionate immigration reform.

Hang on there, Nancy. Members of Congress and activists? What about hard-working taxpayers and law-abiding citizens? Or, as you probably call them: “the enemy?” Is Obama not interested in hiring a senior adviser who considers the good of the Nation above the good of a small, but vocal conglomeration of people whose very nature runs contrary thereto?

The appointment of Muñoz to the top post among Obama’s domestic advisers should surprise no one. This is the same President who was so aggrieved by Arizona’s refusal to throw open the gates that he tattled on them to his mommies at the United Nations, the same President who just forestalled the deportations of nearly a quarter of a million illegal aliens, the same President whose approval ratings — even among Hispanics — have lately suffered from a touch of Montezuma’s Revenge. What better response than to grant senior status to a woman who believes in a reformed “path to citizenship?” (What was wrong with the old “path to citizenship,” which didn’t require a swim across the Rio Grande or a hands-and-knees crawl through a tunnel beneath San Ysidro?)

What cost will we bear? If Obama finds a way to grant ballots to an indeterminate number of illegal aliens (estimated to be between 10 million and 30 million), he might tip the electoral edge to the Democrats; but somewhere down the road, he’ll end up next to the rest of us in line to cross the border to Canada.

Barack Obama And The Imperial Presidency

I tend to avoid reading the tea leaves fluttering in Washington as predictive of some burgeoning conspiracy birthed in the bowels of the Barack Obama White House. Before you scoff, let me clarify: I have no doubt that Obama daydreams about appointing himself an eleventy-star generalissimo, wearing a garish uniform he found on Tinpots-R-Us (jodhpurs with those ears would make him look like a violin in a Salvador Dali painting) and assigning himself a title which would make Idi Amin blush. But the dream and the reality of imposing a dictatorship on the United States live a far cry from one another. All the same; just because it won’t succeed doesn’t mean Obama isn’t going to try.

Witness Obama and the Democrats’ latest ploy. Last week, Obama decided he was tired of hassling with that pesky, Constitutionally-mandated separation of powers and appointed Richard Cordray to the position of director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau—itself one of those Constitutionally-nebulous “czar” positions which have sprung up during the Obama Administration like fungus in a fleabaggers’ squatter camp. Although the Senate was—and IS—in session, Obama and his accomplices recognized his minions—including the sycophant corporate media—would blindly march to whatever beat Obama drummed up. Armed with that understanding of liberals’ willingness to forgive any offense committed by their dear leaders, Obama bypassed the Senate and “recess appointed” Cordray to the post.

Patriots, stunned by the brazen nature of Obama’s latest crime, howled derision and outrage. Obama not only overstepped the bounds of executive authority, he spat in the face of precedent, violated the terms of the Dodd-Frank bureaucratic monstrosity which created the position in question (which requires Senate confirmation of the office holder) and ignored the opinion of his own Department of Justice. Try to imagine how deep down the rabbit hole Obama fell in order to offend Eric “Fast and Furious” Holder’s Constitutional sensibilities.

The left fired back with predictable unanimity. Obama led with ludicrous assertions that Congressional (Senatorial) intransigence imbued him with hitherto unknown super-Presidential powers; specifically the right to bypass Congress when the mood suits him:

“…I have an obligation as president to do what I can without (Congress).”

Is that how that works? If Congress stands up to a President whose increasingly unhinged decisions fly in the face of precedent, logic and law, then the President may determine if their session isn’t “session-y” enough; and issue edicts by fiat while liberals far and wide cheer his naked power grab.

Meanwhile, noticeably silent on the matter was Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who endorsed pro-forma tactics when the Democrats used them against President Bush in 2008:

“We don’t let him have recess appointments because they are mischievous… there will be no recess. We will meet every third day pro forma…”

Reid, who I suspect was left in the dark about Obama’s nefarious strategy until after the fact, issued a halfhearted endorsement of the wannabe-dictator’s latest offense; claiming to “support President Obama’s decision…” without making any reference to the Constitution. Of course, the corporate media horde carefully omitted any references to Reid and the Senate Democrats’ own employment of pro forma sessions to block Bush nominees.

In recent months, the President has signed the abominable National Defense Authorization Act; which—among other things—empowers the government to stuff you somewhere really remote (I’m thinking the vegetable drawer in Michael Moore’s fridge) until the 12th of Never without so much as a parting gift. He has been as forthcoming as a Gambino button man on the subject of Operation Fast and Furious. His cronies have benefited while working Americans suffered through fiscal disasters like Solyndra, Lightsquared, General Electric’s new Chinese-employment-at-the-expense-of-40,000-American-workers program and pretty much everything which has sputtered off a General Motors, Fisker or Fiat/Chrysler assembly line (and directly into the shop).

Successful businesses like Gibson Guitars face interminable battles with Federal authorities which reek of political gamesmanship. The so-called “Occupiers”—who can’t be more than one or two felony convictions from out-thugging the labor unions—are mutating into a liberal brute squad. The dovish candidate Obama has blossomed into a saber-rattler, Nobel be damned. And then the President announced last week that he gets to make up the rules as he goes along.

It’s time for Obama to face demotion. Don’t expect the Democrats to help; they’re just following orders.