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As Seen on TV

September 29, 2010 by  

As Seen on TV

Fox News recently reported White House Science Advisor John Holden was urging people to cease using the phrase “global warming” and instead use “global climate disruption.”

Brilliant. Rather than acknowledge that the completely discredited global warming industry was headed out to intellectual sea with the rest of the political sewage, President Barack Obama was resorting to the timeworn trick of repackaging an old product. I could simply have observed how well that plan worked for everything from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign to General Motors, but then I mused: Why not help?

Perhaps what liberalism needs isn’t a one-way ticket to Mao’s mausoleum. Perhaps a little polish might restore the luster to the fading ideology of hypocritical tyranny. After all, it worked for Stalin, right? Errr — it might be useful in getting those unsightly rings off the coffee table. Plus, Billy Mays has passed on, so a Democrat Party infomercial is right out.

So I have undertaken the Herculean task of coming up with all new slogans for some of the tarnished bastions of left-wing politics. I’ve tried to put a happy face on the fear-mongering which has befallen much of the Left’s front line, while at the same time restoring the honesty which all too often is as foreign to liberals as a good punch line is to a Whoopi Goldberg standup routine.

To wit:

Global Warming. So-called anthropogenic global warming is in all likelihood the most successful junk science in human history. Much like phrenology or heliocentric astronomy, global warming is a theory which merely fits the observable facts.

Recent discoveries that major global warming “scientists” were falsifying their “data” nailed the lid down. High-profile backing of breathtakingly stupid Hollywood celebrities like Laurie David and uber-hypocrite Al Gore has finished off one of the farthest-reaching scientific scams since cold fusion was “discovered” 20 years ago:

  • ManBearPig is REAL! We’re super-duper SERIAL!
  • The power of imagination.
  • Is it hot in here, or is it… OH MY GOD!
  • Science? We don’t need no stinking science!
  • You say “summer.” We say “RUN!”
  • We can’t believe we get paid to do this, either.
  • Can everyone on Dailykos be wrong?
  • It’s Bush’s fault.

MSNBC. The destination cable outlet for Democrat National Committee talking points, MSNBC has been circling the bowl since Keith Olbermann led the charge to turn their primetime lineup into a bizarro-world version of Fox News. Desperately jealous “personalities” vent frustration and rage at their conservative betters, occasionally lapsing into fits of almost comical hysteria. It has apparently never occurred to GE management that the talentless nails-on-a-blackboard shrieking of Obama-cheerleader Matthews, the buffoonish Olbermann, Olbermann’s “mini-me” Maddow and mouth-breathing thug Ed Schultz might be the reason the channel’s entire primetime lineup can’t match the ratings of a single hour of Fox programming:

  • We love it here! (Please help us. We’re trapped in Keith’s basement.)
  • Sorry your remote broke.
  • If it’s even remotely related to reality — you’re probably watching VH1 again.
  • When Ed says “voter fraud is cool” he means that in a good way.
  • Like Fox News without all those high-calorie facts.
  • We promise, Olbermann’s only an hour.
  • Yes, Maddow looks like that on purpose.
  • Liberal talking points — we don’t write ‘em, we just read ‘em.
  • FEEL THE TINGLE!
  • It’s Bush’s fault.

The New York Times. Once the nation’s — if not the world’s — de-facto newspaper of record, The Times has descended into the depths of leftist illegitimacy. The “Gray Lady” is now a pale shadow of her former self, regurgitating Democrat talking points as actual news, occasionally without even rewording the releases. The plagiarism and fake reportage scandals of the last decade finally ended any pretense of credibility:

  • Remember us?
  • We were cool before email.
  • We were cool before mail mail.
  • You have to go somewhere during Department of State attacks on Drudge.
  • Print is so relevant!
  • So much more than Jayson Blair.
  • Check out our Pulitzers!
  • All the talking points fit to print.
  • Like the USA Today, without those distracting colors.
  • It’s Bush’s fault.

CNN. The world’s first global cable news network started slowly, but hit its stride during the First Gulf War. Sadly, liberal influence, led by former owner Ted Turner, forced CNN into an inevitable decline. While CNN hasn’t faced the same abysmal ratings as the tinfoil-hat-brigadiers at MSNBC, even the departure of Turner has failed to resurrect the once-proud network. The continued presence of weak personalities like erstwhile game show host Anderson Cooper and howling lunatic Jack Cafferty keeps CNN from shedding the “Clinton News Network” moniker it earned in the ’90s:

  • We used to be awesome.
  • Darth Vader does our voice-overs.
  • Like us, or we’ll send Carville to your house.
  • We’re so tired. So very, very tired.
  • Ted Turner has left the building.
  • Our ratings are still better than MSNBC’s.
  • It’s Bush’s fault.

Nancy Pelosi. Our current Speaker of the House rose to prominence after Dick Gephardt finally decided it was someone else’s turn to quarterback Washington D.C.’s intellectual junior varsity. This furious harridan lives in Catherine The Great-style wealth and comfort, but believes that the rest of us should live in Catherine The Great’s servants-style squalor. Much like the aforementioned Empress of All the Russias, Pelosi relates to normal people the way normal people relate to leper colonies. Pelosi also serves as a caution to those who might consider going the Leona Helmsley plastic surgery route. The mere idea of Pelosi’s proximity to the Oval Office is enough to make brave men quail. It will indeed be a sight watching her trying to get re-accustomed to the title of House Minority Leader:

  • Blinking is overrated.
  • Draining the swamp, one thimble at a time.
  • The miracle of Botox®.
  • I love poor people! They keep my houses clean!
  • It’s Bush’s fault.

Harry Reid. Pelosi’s Senatorial counterpart, Reid is the perfect foil for a shrill harpy like Pelosi. Despite reportedly having once been a boxer, Reid is small, weak-chinned and probably adept at standing in the ladies’ department holding his wife’s purse:

  • Compared to Obama, I’m John McCain.
  • Compared to Pelosi, I’m Barry Goldwater.

John Kerry. America woke up just in time:

  • Yooooou raaaang?

Al Gore. After losing the 2000 Presidential contest despite some exceptionally creative Democrat-engineered voter fraud, the wooden-faced and stiff-necked Gore has spent the last decade in an almost tragicomic attempt to re-establish himself as someone of note. After winning an Oscar for the world’s most inconvenient slide show, Gore continued to trot across the globe, lecturing the masses on the perils of global warming — oops — global climate disruption — while simultaneously leaving carbon footprints the size of Yankee Stadium:

  • PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
  • Do the bolts in my neck show?
  • Have Oscar, will travel (by private jet)!
  • RRRRRAAARRRRRRR! FIRE! BAAAAAAD!

John Edwards. An almost archetypical personal injury lawyer, Edwards built an eight-figure fortune exploiting the sick, injured and grieving, including one case in which he claimed to be channeling the spirit of a dead fetus (despite being pro-abortion). After Dick Cheney cleaned his clock in a 2004 Vice Presidential debate, Edwards staged a political comeback which derailed spectacularly when the National Enquirer busted him for an affair with a paid campaign contractor who bore him a child:

  • (singing)… The kid is not my son! (It IS my daughter, however.)
  • I am dedicated to ending the disparity between rich and… AMBULANCE!
  • I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!
  • Are they still hiring for a new Breck Girl?

The Ground Zero Mosque. The political hot-button issue of the summer of 2010, the Ground Zero Mosque was backed by shady finances and fronted by a Sharia-spouting Imam with an unfortunate track record of supporting the 9/11 attackers. Liberals leapt to the defense of the GZM in the name of the same religious freedom they would deny 9-year-olds who want to bow their heads in silent prayer before school:

  • Jihad, American Style!
  • Join us Fridays for Osama’s Greatest Hits, followed by bingo!
  • When we say “Allahu!” you say “Akbar!”

Barack Obama. So many failures, so little bandwidth. Elected on a wave of manufactured acclaim and old-fashioned race baiting, the former “community activist” has proven to be farther out of his depth than a kid wearing water wings swimming above the Mariana Trench. Backed by a rogue’s gallery of left-wing hate groups like the Service Employees International Union and the New Black Panther Party, Obama is plumbing depths of ineptitude unseen since the Carter Administration. Even Democrat Party candidates are showing signs of “losing the President’s number.” Despite desperate boosting by mainstream media sycophants and far-left-liberals, support for Obama is beginning to falter like a two-pack-a-day smoker in the 10th mile of a marathon:

  • Like Carter, except I don’t hate Jews that much.
  • Quiet, or Michelle will hear you.
  • What can brown do for you?
  • I can’t believe nobody noticed I lifted my campaign strategy from The Distinguished Gentleman.
  • It’s this or President Joe Biden.
  • I’m not asking you — I’m TELLING you.
  • Kenya… Hawaii… what’s the difference?
  • It’s Bush’s fault.
  • Did I mention it’s Bush’s fault?

This is by no means a comprehensive list. Obviously, there are many more leading lights of liberalism in need of an image makeover. Sadly, space and bandwidth limitations constrict my ability to offer assistance to every one of the travelers on the port side of American politics. More to the point — Mr. Livingston would probably prefer I not compose an Encyclopedia Britannica-esque compendium.

I leave it to you, my friends, my countrymen, my fellow Livingstonians to carry on.

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.

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