Another Day Of The Undead

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I’m no aficionado of the vampire craze. Not that I don’t get the allure of watching oversexed attractive people chase each other around; but vampires are (were) bad. Anything which can fit into a category of “undead” is not good news, no matter how impressive its abs might be.

So imagine my horror Friday when I was greeted by the visage of one of recent history’s most vile grotesqueries. Like a teenager in one of those psycho-zombie-in-a-hockey-mask movies, I thought we’d driven a stake through the heart of this creature, doused it in gasoline and set it on fire. And yet, still it returned — the lumbering bulk, the ominous drone, the gaping maw.

Al Gore is back.

While the rest of us were browsing in the non-fiction section, Gore resurfaced like the “Creature from the Green Lagoon.” According to The Hill, Gore noted on his blog (hey, good thing he invented the Internet) that Americans need to take to the streets to protest the industrialized world’s failure to act on “the climate crisis.”

How does the most famous loser in Presidential history keep returning from beyond the political grave? Shouldn’t Gore be hanging out with Walter Mondale; watching Captain Planet reruns at the Old Vice President’s Home?

At the very least, shouldn’t he be at one of his multimillion dollar mansions, getting a *ahem* massage? I mean, didn’t we push this loon out of the Prius and speed off in a cloud of carbon neutral exhaust and ecologically low-impact recycled tire dust?

To make “The Revenge of the Gore-Zilla” more terrifying, he’s brought backup. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, remarking on Sunday about floods in Pakistan and forest fires in Russia, said “there is a linkage,” between those disasters and global warming. America’s termagant-to-the-world made some further gloom-and-doom comments, but the message was clear: Not only is global warming theoretically bad, but it’s literally coming to get us.

But there’s a theoretical hitch in their literal fear mongering. Global warming scares liberals the same way Freddy Krueger scares 7-year-olds; although liberals don’t have dad to come home and check the closet. Global warming is the phrenology of the modern age. It’s a scam, wrapped in a racket, shrouded in a swindle. It’s warmer now than it was then (“then,” in the climate change lexicon meaning “winter”); and that increase in temperature coincides with societal development (a climate-change phrase meaning “summer”), therefore — it’s our fault.

What was once junk science reserved for late-night talk show appearances by coke-addled Hollywood stars and burned out academics who escaped the ’60s with acid flashbacks and tenure has become the cause célèbre of the Luddite Left. Global warming is a theory which has been “proven” by touting the molehill of anecdotal evidence (it’s warmer in some places, there’s less ice in some areas, hurricanes are bad), while ignoring the mountain of evidence to the contrary (it’s colder in some places, there’s more ice in some areas, hurricanes have always been bad.)

The danger isn’t just endless griping from Woodstock-surplus types who are so ecologically sensitive they’ve stopped bathing (thereby making the rest of us more sensitive, albeit less ecologically so). It’s the shadowy specter which lurks just behind the façade of saving the planet: greed. Gore may babble about “An Inconvenient Slide Show,” but he lives like a king and has a carbon footprint the size of one of those Paleolithic rhinos which went extinct the last time the Earth got too warm. (Or was it too cold? Was anyone checking the Indricotherium’s exhaust?) And Clinton may talk about our impact on the planet, but I’m betting she and Bubba have no plans to downsize their Chappaqua palace.

Global warming = power. The real danger isn’t just floods, fires and hurricanes; it’s Kyoto Accords, Cap and Trade and Al Gore’s Silliest Home Videos. It’s the Democrat party convincing chowder head college students that only by voting for them can they save the planet.

For that matter, it’s the Democrat party convincing said chowder heads that the planet requires saving. When the bunko artists running the global warming industry got caught fabricating data, the response was: “But, we have a consensus!” Sure you do. And there used to be consensus that the Earth is flat.

As long as we allow the wingnuts to keep opening global warming’s scientific coffin, Gore will keep coming at us. Freddy Krueger will only go away if people stop going to the theatre to see what’s happening on Elm Street. And Al Gore and his climatological claptrap will only disappear when we stop feeding him the one thing he needs to survive:

Relevance. (And BRAINS!!!!)

Ben Crystal

is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.