If a greater living liberal than Al Gore exists, I would dearly love to meet him. The scion of an exceptionally wealthy Tennessee clan that built a king’s fortune on tobacco and racism, Gore took the prodigious wealth bestowed upon him and used it to construct an empire. Between his inheritance, the money he made from pseudoscientific screeds like the book Earth in the Balance and the sci-fi slideshow “An Inconvenient Truth,” Gore has salted away a pile large enough to fuel his private jet, heat his multiple homes and send his progeny to the finest schools. But forget about his time as a U.S. Senator. Forget about his complicity in the various crimes of the Clinton Administration. Forget even about his subzero treatment of his ex-wife. Hell, forget about those allegations that he relates to massage therapists the way his old boss Bubba Clinton relates to chubby interns. Focus on Gore, the liberal icon, Democratic hero and super-capitalist.
With the impending sale of his failed hate-speech outlet, Current TV, to terrorist-linked Al-Jazeera, Gore has transcended the usual hypocrisy that defines modern liberalism to become its living god. He will personally make somewhere in the neighborhood of $70 million by signing over a cable outlet that struggled against more intellectually stimulating content such as “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” And Al-Jazeera, which is owned by the government of the nation of Qatar, floats on a sea of the same oil against which Gore has railed for the better part of the generation generously augmented by Gore’s own prolific fertility. (Despite his efforts to convince brown people to stop reproducing, Gore has extended his own lineage by a factor of four.)
A man who may well be the biggest hypocrite in recorded human history — no small feat against the competition afforded by not only American liberals but the various and sundry dictators who live like emperors on the backs of oppressed populations from North Korea and China to Venezuela and Cuba — will bank eight figures from the oil barons in the Mideast. Already wildly wealthy, Gore has sold a vanity project with all the journalistic credibility of VH-1 to guys who were probably wiping the crude off their hands when they shook on the deal.
And (insert liberal-approved deity here) bless Gore for the effort. I’m a conservative. If Gore can turn a lifelong crusade on behalf of the biggest scientific fraud of the modern age into a nearly 10-figure personal fortune, then I say: “Ditch the ball and chain and the rug rats, stride proudly out of whichever of your palaces in which you’re lounging, jump in that SUV, tell that chauffeur to drive you to the airport, board that private jet, fly to the nearest tax-haven tropical island, check into the Global Warming Suite at the Ritz and start pawing the masseuses, Albert!” I don’t blame Gore for making a few hundred million bucks off liberal gullibility — even if he blames me for trying to make a few bucks of my own.
And look who he sold out to. Al-Jazeera, aka the al-Qaida Channel, floats on sea of oil money. While Gore and his shrieking sideshow clowns have repeated laughable Democratic conspiracy theories about some so-called “war on women,” the new owners of the network have proudly campaigned against women doing anything but cooking and bearing children. While Gore and his merry band of idiots have imagined a conservative lack of tolerance, the new owners support programming that includes a weekly host who proclaims the Holocaust “divine punishment” for the Jews. Despite all that, liberals nationwide are lining up to offer their endorsement to what is about to be Al-Jazeera America. I can’t decide if their sudden love of a network that shows al-Qaida recruiting videos stems from their usual “America last” attitude or a desire to let Gore off the hook. But, hey, at least he didn’t sell to that bastard Glenn Beck.
Global warming is dead, buried under the weight of data falsified by its primary perpetrators and titles that change — by necessity — more often than Hollywood freaks change their designer clothes. Perhaps now is as good a time as any to cash out before Gore’s Democratic accomplices finish destroying the economy. After all, that’s what Gore did.