Joe, as you know, my popularity numbers have been dropping faster than a free-falling safe. I’ve tried all the usual stuff like blaming my predecessor for everything, making up personal experience stories and flat out lying. The economy is in the toilet, and we are fighting so many wars that they even want me to give back my Peace Prize. I’ve tried the liberal-standard “deny, deflect, delay” schemes and nothing has worked, so I’m in a bind. You know we even got the kids a dog and he really likes peeing in the Rose Garden. Michelle is really fond of all the servants, and I’m hooked on being able to play golf on all the best courses and not having to worry about inconvenient tee times. My Messiah image is getting shopworn, and people are talking about me being a one-term president.
You, on the other hand, have been a constant source of much amusement with your gaffes and have earned the reputation of being the village idiot. Hillary said, “It takes a village.” People can’t wait to see which foot you will put in your mouth next.
I’ve got a healthcare bill that I convinced the Congress to ram through, never thinking in my wildest dreams that anybody would actually read it. Well, they did read it, and I look like an idiot. I’ve got Attorney General Eric “Fast and Furious” Holder hanging around my neck like an anchor, but he’s “one of my people” so he’s untouchable. What I really need is a way to deflect attention from my lack of accomplishment and experience.
I’ve got the Occupy Wall Street bunch, which I initially supported. I even made a statement in support of them. Well, it turns out I backed the wrong horse in that race, because they are showing themselves to be nothing more than dope-smoking weirdos who don’t even want a job. Let’s face it: Defecating on a police car or stealing from a church is not something that looks good on a resume. Hey, even the American Nazi Party endorsed them! Luckily, Nancy (God Bless Them) Pelosi and Maxine Waters also praised them; so I can have my mouthpiece, Jay Carney, say something like, “What the President really meant,” thereby deflecting the blame.
I keep saying that we need to tax the millionaires, but the fact of the matter is that they are becoming an endangered species because of the lousy economy. Back in 2007, there were 400,000 of them; but in 2009, they dropped to just 235,000. I know what you’re going to tell me is that there are still enough of them to fill my re-election campaign coffers but I’ve got to protect what I’ve got, because the truth of the matter is that it doesn’t look like there are going to be any new millionaires anytime soon. The number of people 16 and older who have been unemployed for more than a year averaged 1.3 million in the past three recessions, but in 2010 there were 4.3 million. Twenty -Ten, Joe, that’s on my watch!! So how do I deflect that?
Joe, I have to cut this short because I have a 10 a.m. tee time. I’ll only be able to play 18 holes because Michelle wants me to take her out on a date night later on. Jeez, there’s not enough time to squeeze all this in. So let me get right to the point: I need you to take one on the chin for the home team. There’s no easy way to say it so I’ll come right out with it. Joe, I’m dumping you as my Vice President. There, I said it. You’re an old politician so you know it’s not personal, just business.
Look at what Hillary can bring to the table once you announce that you are stepping down for health reasons or because you want to spend more time with your family — you know the line. The most important thing is that she hasn’t been associated with the disastrous economic policies. Another thing is that she is going to be bringing the older white folks with her, and we need those votes — especially the women’s. She’ll also be bringing Bill. Lots of younger women like him, and he likes lots of younger women. More votes.
As you know, I’ll be going on another vacation with Michelle, the kids, the mother- in- law and about 50 close friends next week. Will that give you enough time to make your announcement, or do I need to get some of my Chicago friends to make you an offer you can’t refuse?
I’m also still searching all 57 states for any remaining golf courses I may have missed, so my time is limited.
Remember: It’s just business,