February 19, 2013 by Ben Crystal
No one knew it was coming until it streaked overhead. Fortunately, the meteor that rocked Chelyabinsk, Russia, didn’t kill anyone. But had it cratered in the Russian city of more than 1 million souls, the death toll would have been more catastrophic than the Arab Spring.
Although the near-miss was unrelated to asteroid 2012 DA14 and the fireball seen in the skies over San Francisco on Friday, its impact reverberated across the planet. Democrat sock puppets immediately tried to link the cosmic bombardment with so-called “global warming” (aka ManBearPig) in an odd confluence of science (space rocks) and science fiction (ManBearPig) that could happen only when liberals encounter things Al Gore can’t explain in small words.
The timing of last week’s meteor shower couldn’t have been more perfect. Just days after President Barack Obama demanded taxpayer funding to combat “global warming,” science trumped science fiction. Real things like asteroids can really kill you. And they aren’t the only things out there that present a real threat to life, limb and property. What follows is a short list of a few other unlikely, but more likely than ManBearPig, natural killers:
Two years ago, Jose Luis Ochoa attended a cockfight and left in a body bag. Someone attached a blade to one of the birds’ feet, and Ochoa ended up on the business end of the chicken army’s revenge for decades of McNuggets. The next time you tuck into some KFC extra-crispy, remember the sacrifice Ochoa made so you could enjoy the finger-lickin’ goodness. And, no, I’m not sorry about Ochoa. He was at a cockfight. You’ll never see those in a red and white bucket.
In 2010, someone had the bright idea to smuggle a crocodile in his carry-on bag onto a Filair flight headed for Bandundu, Democratic Republic of the Congo. The croc got loose from the bag, sending panicked passengers rushing toward the flight deck and subsequently unbalancing the plane. The crash took the lives of 20 people, but the crocodile survived.
Little more than a decade has passed since the Segway was introduced. Held up by a series of gyroscopes, the weird scooter is supposed to be almost impossible to knock off its wheels. But all the gyroscopic stabilizers in the world can’t help if the Segway is driven off a cliff. Yet that’s what happened to James Heselden. What’s worse, Heselden was the owner of Segway Inc. The lesson: Segways are death machines… when dropped from high altitudes.
More than 16 million people call Delhi, India, home. One would think the deputy mayor of such a huge burg would live, if not well, at least fairly monkey-free. Yet Surinder Singh Bajwa met his end when a gang of rhesus macaques sent him flying over the balcony of his apartment. “Planet of the Apes,” the Bollywood edition?
In 2009, a woman was attacked and partially eaten by two coyotes while hiking in rural Nova Scotia. She’s one of only two people known to have been killed by coyotes. By the way, that’s also two more than have ever been killed by guns. Bad doggies.
Hungry Hungry Hippos
When it comes to killer animals on the dark continent, neither lions nor elephants nor cheetahs can hold a candle to these adorably plump ungulates. Despite their odd resemblance to Roseanne Barr, hippopotamuses are the No. 1 killer of people in all of Africa. A hippopotamus can run up to 30 mph, nearly as fast as a Chevy Volt. And woe be unto the poor soul in its path; a Twinkie has a better chance of escaping Barr.
That Mother Nature packs a real wallop. All of the aforementioned are natural hazards over which we have no hope of control, except for the Segway. It’s “green,” so it kinda fits. Beyond those nightmares, we have to worry about sharks, volcanoes, lightning strikes, honey badgers, cancer and union thugs. What two things do they all have in common with asteroids?
- They’re all forces of nature.
- They all actually exist.
Yet Obama wants us to fund efforts to combat “global warming.” The Chelyabinsk meteor was a not-too-subtle reminder that science trumps science fiction every time. Honestly, when was the last time Obama demanded taxpayer funding to combat killer monkeys? The funny thing is, the monkeys are a bigger threat than “global warming,” un-wielded firearms and space rocks combined.