October 4, 2012 by Ben Crystal
As you read my musings from Outside The Asylum today, keep in mind my deadline was Wednesday morning. I actually typed hours before Governor Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama were to meet in their first face-to-face gabfest of the 2012 Presidential election cycle. Therefore, I can’t wax rhapsodic about what (barring a spectacular flub by Romney or spectacularly honest remark by Obama) will probably be a Presidential debate that relates to the real troubles of the Nation about as well as first lady Michelle Obama does to people who work for a living.
So, I’ll guess instead. After all, if I’m miles off the mark, I can just do what Obama does and claim my perspective has “evolved.” Reality dictates that neither candidate will stride confidently into the hearts and minds of the 5 percent to 10 percent of eligible voters who have yet to make up their minds. Romney will mouth platitudes intended to assuage conservatives that he doesn’t represent a continuation of the super-statist policies that have turned the Obama Administration into the biggest electoral disaster since President Jimmy Carter lost the Battle of the Chattahoochee Bunny. Meanwhile, Obama will do what he always does: lie.
In a debate scheduled to focus primarily on domestic affairs (sorry, kids, we’ll have to wait until next time to hear Obama explain why he lied to the Nation and the world about the murders of four Americans in Libya), Obama will make a number of ridiculous claims that prove only that the best prevaricators really believe their lines.
• He’ll claim he’s a “job creator.” Nothing says “friend of the working man” like a record-breaking stretch of unemployment numbers on the north side of 8 percent (with real unemployment well into the double figures). He’ll also attack Romney and Bain Capital while carefully ignoring the fact that Bain saved hundreds of thousands of jobs by rescuing ailing corporations, including Obama’s own beloved Baskin-Robbins.
• He’ll claim to have “rescued” the American auto industry. As I was driving the other day, I passed by the vacant lot that used to house the local Cadillac dealership. I remember thinking “Good thing Obama saved… er… someone.” So what if the government takeover of General Motors became an 11-figure boondoggle? For just less than $100,000, you too can have the all-new Chevy Volt! At prices this good, how can you pass up the chance to be the first on your block to own an exploding golf cart? Actually, if you’re not one of the 47 percenters, you’ve already paid for one.
• He’ll crow about Obamacare. Now, instead of seeing a doctor, I might get to see someone who has watched all eight seasons of “House.” But I do enjoy knowing my tax dollars funded abortions and Sandra Fluke’s rather impressive birth control needs. Also: Death panels and rationed care! I’m thrilled.
• He’ll claim that he’s introduced meaningful immigration reform. He says “reform;” I say “bypassing the Constitutional Separation of Powers in order to grant amnesty to criminals through executive order.” That’s a long way from “potato/pot-ah-to.” We all know why Democrats want to grant free passes to illegals, and not it’s not just “because Paco does such a great job weatherproofing the teak on Senator Kerry’s yacht.” To be fair, Obama’s grant of amnesty might just have been his way of rescuing Mexicans from the narcoterrorists who wantonly murder people with guns they bought from… Obama (er… this is just awkward).
• And he’ll claim his has been the most transparent, least corrupt Administration in history. As long as you ignore “we’ll have to pass the bill so you can find out, uh, what is in it,” repeated violations of the Hatch Act, collusion between the White House and hate groups like the National Action Network and Media Matters, and pretty much every statement Accomplice General Eric Holder has made, it has been the least corrupt Administration in history.
Come to think of it, Romney doesn’t even need to show up. Democrats will listen to Obama do things to the truth that would cause the hearts of the most diabolical flimflam artists to flutter like teenage girls. And the “undecideds?” They still won’t have an opinion, because they missed the whole thing to watch reruns of “CSI.”