Sorry State Of The Union
January 26, 2012 by Ben Crystal
My fellow Americans:
What an honor to be standing above you this evening. I mean for you, of course. Tonight, you mark the third anniversary of my ascent. With your continued obedience, it will not be my last. In fact, if all my plans for you come to fruition, I figure I’ve got at least 30 more of these to go.
I would like to first acknowledge some noteworthies. Seated behind me is the Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden. Hey, Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe, put down the sippy cup! Did you remember to go before we started?
Seated next to Vice President Biden is Speaker of the House John “The Man with the Tan” Boehner. Eventually, I’ll be able to book you a spot where you will really sport a savage tan. The Guantanamo Bay Spa? Bring your sand wedge, buddy.
And where’s my Michelle? Heck, you can’t miss her. Get moving, right to the Taco Bell! What? I figure since we already use two of everything else: limos, Air Force jets and vacations, we might as well use both bedrooms, right? That’s a nice dress, honey. Which one of your taxpayer-funded, take-along-a-few-dozen-of-your-best-friends-and-live-it-up-like-Oprah trips did you pick that one up on? Are those diamonds? Isn’t being rich awesome?
Where’s my other girl? Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi! Hey, Nancy, why so surprised? Oh, um, right. Awkward. But seriously, what a job she did laying the groundwork for my invasi — er — election! How many people watching this even remember that the House approval ratings under Nancy’s Speakership were as crappy as they are now? Oh, right. We suppressed that, didn’t we? Nancy, of all the duplicitous, multimillionaire hypocrites at the top of the liberal food chain, you’re definitely one.
And there’s Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Harry, you can put Nancy’s purse down when you’re in chambers, pal. How long has it been since you and your fellow Senate Democrats have even offered a budget? I think I was still helping ACORN fill out absentee ballots the last time.
Down to my left, the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Guys, I know I ran on an anti-war platform, but no one told me blowing stuff up is so awesome! Did you see that resurgence of Gadhafi loyalists in Libya? Come by the Situation Room tomorrow. We’re going to continue the war we were never fighting to begin with over there. Grab some of the boys I deployed to Uganda without telling anyone. And we need to go over our plan for the invasion of Iran, toward which we are totally not ramping.
Down in front: the Supreme Court of the United States, the last line of defense of the Constitution — whatever the hell that is. Keep whispering, Justices Thomas and Alito. Attorney General Eric Holder needs to see you after the speech tonight, boys.
And where’s Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor? Hey, Mitch: I’ve decided to declare you in session. Now, you’re not. Now, you are. Now, you’re not. Ha-ha-ha! Don’t you glare at me. Ask Senator Rand Paul what happens to prominent opposition politicians who hassle me. Dr. Jellyfinger to the House Chamber, stat!
Up in the gallery: the corporate media. Without your willing complicity, this would be a whole lot more difficult. “Any criticism of Obama is code for racism.” That’s brilliant. And you conservative commentators? Four words: National Defense Authorization Act. Four more: indefinite detention without trial. You feeling me?
As for the State of the Union: I have moved us from two shooting wars to 2½. If the timing works, Iran will be next. The economy is in the toilet, and I intend to close the lid and nail it shut. We’re going to beg, borrow and steal whatever we need to push pet projects like Solyndra and cover cronies like Jeff Immelt when he sends jobs overseas. More Americans than ever are on government assistance; and if I have anything to do with it, we’re going to make that a clean 100 percent. Meanwhile, most of my “achievements” have forced us to run up debt like a second wife on Rodeo Drive. Don’t worry, though. We’ll bill your grandchildren.
To liberals watching me tonight: Keep it up, and we’ll put you on the top of the approval list for one of GM’s combustible golf carts. To the non-liberals: Pay no attention to the Homeland Security strike team outside your front door.
Good night and Alla — er — God bless me!