Testing Your Mettle (Redux)
May 26, 2011 by Ben Crystal
All right, kiddies, it’s that time again. Every now and then, Bob Livingston allows me to prod your cerebra with the proverbial sharp object. Actually, every now and then, I turn in one of my clever little civics quizzes so close to deadline that Livingston doesn’t have time to fill my space with old Herbert “Herblock” Block cartoons.
Granted, the average reader of Personal Liberty Digest™ is a veritable Rhodes Scholar compared to the low-forehead types who populate some of our dear liberal web counterparts, but I believe in encouraging you to exercise the old gray matter from time to time. “Use it or lose it,” sayeth the old sage. Plus, if you let your brains atrophy, you will start behaving foolishly. From there, it’s only a matter of time before you decay into liberalism and begin living green, speaking with your eyes closed and subscribing to Mother Jones. Being a cavalier sort, I’m here to help. So put away your laptops and iPhones and shut off the television; here comes the latest edition of the Personal Liberty Digest Citizen’s Quiz.
In constructing this examination, I tried to be fair, but firm. Don’t fret if you fare poorly. Remember: There are no stupid answers, only stupid people — and they are at Dailykos.com, waiting for Dennis Kucinich to tell them where the aliens are going to land.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is:
- The maître d’ at Oprah Winfrey’s favorite restaurant.
- A minor character from the film “The Boys from Brazil.”
- The disgraced ex-head of the International Monetary Fund.
- Trying to figure out if that crossbeam in his cell can hold his weight.
- Secretly controls the universe from its headquarters.
- Is the real-life basis for the DC Comics’™ Legion of Doom.
- An enormously influential — albeit shadowy — intergovernmental economic group.
- A national chain of greasy-spoon pancake joints.
President Barack Obama recently sold out Israel in order to:
- Demonstrate his commitment to continuing the peace process.
- Drive down real estate prices close to the beaches in Haifa.
- A result of his comprehensive ignorance of Middle Eastern politics.
- Get a discount at the DuPont Circle falafel cart.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s intransigence in dealing with Obama is:
- Uncalled for. Obama is the WORLD’S President! Why can’t Netanyahu see that?
- Likely to knock him off George Soros’ Yom Kippur card list.
- A bold, statesmanlike stand by the strong leader of an embattled country.
- Going to give Jimmy Carter a coronary if he keeps it up.
Pakistan appears to be edging closer to China’s sphere of influence because:
- Pakistan leaders figure Islamofascism and communism are no less compatible than Islamofascism and freedom.
- The ChiComs ask fewer questions about trafficking in human slavery.
- Pakistan is as loyal to its allies as teenage girls are to fashion trends.
- Pakistan is taking lessons in “how to roll over dissidents with tanks and still host the Olympics.”
Harold Camping’s prediction of the End of Days didn’t turn out because:
- He skipped a couple of important pages in Apocalyptic Cults for Dummies.
- God was out enjoying the beautiful spring weather.
- Please tell me you didn’t need help with this one.
- The world actually DID end Saturday afternoon; it’s just that purgatory isn’t as bad as we had been led to believe.
Herman Cain’s decision to run for President:
- Is really a cynical effort to boost his radio talk-show ratings.
- Is really a cynical effort to widen the market for lousy pizza.
- Will make a somewhat-moribund race for the GOP nomination much more interesting.
- Will give liberals another target for their racism besides Clarence Thomas.
Tim Pawlenty’s decision to run for President:
- Was greeted with all the fanfare of double-coupon day at the Stop & Shop.
- Gives Mitt Romney a challenger in the “Most Stereotypical White-boy Republican” competition.
- Gives moderate agricultural-state denizens someone to consider besides Obama.
- Will redeem Minnesota’s Presidential politics image after that whole Mondale ’84 disaster.
Jon Huntsman is:
- The tennis pro at the Salt Lake City Country Club.
- The real-life model for the “Politician Ken” doll; coming soon from Mattel™!
- Still a better choice in 2012 than Obama, for whatever that’s worth.
- Keeping that “Just for Men™” endorsement deal in his back pocket as an insurance policy.
Obama’s reelection message is “We need more time” because:
- He spent too much of his first term kicking it with the New Black Panther Party.
- It looks better on a bumper sticker than: “Mr. Soros says he has enough cash left over from the Media Matters for America ‘Hatefest 2011.’”
- Four years isn’t enough to utterly foul up both foreign AND domestic policy.
- Michelle Obama wants taxpayers to foot the bill for a few more 5-star vacations.
Donald Trump abandoned his Presidential aspirations because he:
- Couldn’t face four years of competing with his hair for attention.
- Couldn’t face four years of competing with other world leaders for attention.
- Couldn’t face four years of guys like me making lame comb-over jokes.
- Couldn’t convince NeNe Leakes to join his cabinet as Secretary of Temper Tantrums.
Cynthia McKinney recently appeared on Libyan state TV in order to:
- Boost her chances to win the Miss Islamofascism pageant.
- Debut her new single: “Let your hate flow.”
- Remind people that she’s so much more than just the “crazy broad that even Hank Johnson’s congressional district thought was too embarrassing.”
- Give Green Party members something to do besides reread their dog-eared copies of Unsafe at Any Speed.
The floods wreaking havoc in the Midwest are caused by:
- Global warming (aka global cooling, aka global climate change, aka An Inconvenient Slide Show).
- Al Gore and the staff at Current TV.
- The same meteorological and geological cycles which have existed for billions of years.
- An evil conspiracy of Piltdown Man enthusiasts, space aliens and the International Society of Phrenologists.
Obama’s trip to Ireland was:
- A journey of self-discovery for a man in search of his roots.
- A result of the fact that “First Black President” doesn’t mean you can cut in the beer line on St. Patrick’s Day.
- A nicely staged photo-op designed to convince American voters that a small Irish village should play a big role in selecting the leader of the free world.
- An expensive (for the taxpayers) way to make Obama look like he drinks beer instead of white wine spritzers.
America’s still-declining image in the Arab World is the fault of:
- George Bush.
- Dick Cheney.
- Obama’s ham-fisted, spineless foreign policy and the lack of respect it engenders.
- America’s stubborn insistence on allowing women to drive, vote and leave the yurt without being stoned to death in an honor killing.
Time’s up, students. Pass your papers forward so that I may collect them, grade them and then use them for heating fuel this winter when utility rates are higher than Michelle Obama’s wardrobe budget. If you fared poorly, fret not. The good folk of Detroit are still trying to remember how to spell their names at the top of their tests.
I’ll ring the bell now, as I know you have important matters which require attention. There’s the thanks-to-Obama’s-economic-‘recovery,’-we’re-vacationing-in-the-back-yard trip to plan, the kidney you need to list on eBay so you can afford baked beans next month and the new Lady Gaga video coming up on MTV. I hear she’s going to wear a dress made up of strategically placed Filipino children.
Never let it be said that Professor Crystal isn’t hip enough to know what the kids are into these days. But don’t forget: Your final exam is set for November 2012. Study hard.